Marriage

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BillYoung24 -> Marriage (10/27/2010 11:05:48 AM)
Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue?

January -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:08:14 AM)
Yes.

LadyPact -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:12:28 AM)
Depends. Does your wife know that you are seeking another relationship outside of the marriage? If so, some people will accept a poly person. If not, huge issue.

BonesFromAsh -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:12:29 AM)
My opinion..... As long as all parties involved are aware of each other and agree with the situation, having a play partner should be fine. However, if...for example...you were married and looking for a play partner only and weren't up front with your wife about it and didn't allow her the opportunity to say yeah or nay...I'd call that cheating. Cheating is a hard limit for me. That being said...why would having children and a job mean a relationship dynamic would be "part-time"?

AquaticSub -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:15:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue? For some people, yes it really is. Why are you expecting others to conform to your moral code? Now, for me, I will play with married people if, and only if, their spouse approves, is comfortable and I can be certain of that. Now if attending a play play and doing a one time scene with someone I don't really know, I'm not going to grill them on their personal situation. I expect them to be playing according to the rules of their relationships just as I play by mine. However, if I'm getting into a relationship of any kind... yes, I have to know that the spouse is ok with it. That isn't a reflection on you, it's simply my code of conduct based on my experiences with cheating and deception between partners. It's not something I am willing to help faciliate so I need to be positive I'm not doing that. If you want people to respect your code, you have to respect theirs.

LadyNTrainer -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:17:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue? Depends. Are they poly, or are they a lying, cheating scumbag who can't even be honest with the person they promised to love and cherish and be true to? Why would I ever believe that such a person would be honest with me, if this is what they're doing to their spouse? In the former case, nope, not a deal breaker at all. Ethical poly is cool. In the latter case, if you really can't see why someone who has no personal integrity is a crappy relationship prospect, think harder. A D/s relationship in particular needs to have a solid foundation of trust, clear communication skills and honesty. Someone who lies and cheats for selfish reasons lacks these things from the beginning. Dishonesty and deception is a very poor foundation for any human relationship, let alone an intimate one.

Shadow-tiger -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:22:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue? To someone else? Oh hell yes! Homey don't play that! That's assuming their partner knows and approves. Among all those 'my spouse doesn't know/understand/want kink so I'm looking elsewhere' types ... yeah, have fun in cheaterville. I'm sure you have enough rope so have at it!

Nineveh -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:25:07 AM)
It's definitely difficult, as a married man, to find a woman to play with. Seems like it is much easier for women. That doesn't mean there aren't women out there who are willing to play with a married man, but you are competing for them not just with all the other married men, but also all the single ones.

BurntKitty -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:38:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Shadow-tiger quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue? To someone else? Oh hell yes! Homey don't play that! That's assuming their partner knows and approves. Among all those 'my spouse doesn't know/understand/want kink so I'm looking elsewhere' types ... yeah, have fun in cheaterville. I'm sure you have enough rope so have at it! Ok, what are you doing in the morning???? [;)] OP- I'm looking for the total package. If a guy isn't single, available, not seeing anyone or involved at all, I will play, lay & stay with him.

Zevar -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:41:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue? Marriage in and of itself is not an issue. The issue of sexually relating with a married adult is complicated when plural relating is not mutually agreed upon. Moreover knowing that someone is married and their spouse opposes plural relating and then to act on relating sexually with the married person is what creates a major issue of betrayal. Actually to act on sexually relating with a married person, regardless of any excuse that would diminish that union, is a gross error. In fact acting on sexually relating without mutual consent from all involved is an error that will never be altered by ignoring the facts of what it means to a monogamous committed Marriage. Monogamous Marriage Vows are not something to alter in a unilateral manner and then expect the consequences to not apply because of some excuse or minimization of the facts. Facts are important. To ignore the facts can only serve toward futility in any form of relating. Ask questions. Accept the answers to be what they are. Make choices based on the facts presented and nothing else. If you choose to minimize the facts after asking the required questions to arrive at a decision, understand that you are totally responsible for the outcome if you agree that you are or not. Consequences are what they are. Facts are facts. Reality does not change because you do not like it. Reality changes because there are mutually agreed decisions made that foster the possibility for changing ones reality, which for some includes the structure of their Marriage from duality toward plurality after being presented the opportunity to arrive at a unanimous choice, as opposed to a deceptive unilateral conversion of the facts. Honesty is the best policy! Take care!

myotherself -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 11:55:37 AM)
I only play with people I know really well. This is pain play ONLY, there is no sex involved, and is either in a club or in a group with other people. Those people are either single, or in relationships where their partner/spouse is aware of the play, and give their approval. I will ask for their approval in person, and if they don't give it then I don't play. For me, that's about honesty and trust. I need to trust the person I'm going to play with. No trust = no play. For a relationship, I don't want a part-time partner. I have a demanding job and family demands too, but that does not mean I deserve less. I want someone who wants ME, not someone who is looking for a bit on the side, or something a bit extra to spice up an existing relationship. I don't care if his wife/partner approves of him doing whatever he wants to do, I'm absolutely not interested. If his wife/partner does not know or approve of his extracurricular activities and he pursues them anyway, then that makes him a scumbag and not worthy of my time or attention.

Viridana -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 12:02:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? Yes, definately

DamnPickyDomme -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 12:03:16 PM)
unless you're married to me, i don't play with married people.

lizi -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 2:03:30 PM)
Yes, it is absolutely an issue for me to have my partner be married or with someone. I'm not interested in poly, I don't play with anyone outside of my relationship, and I'm not into having casual sex. That means I'm interested in one man who I have a relationship with. I want that man to myself, I want to be the only person in his life, I want to have a vanilla life with him as well as kink. Married or otherwise involved men aren't going to cut it for me. It's an instant dealbreaker...it's the way that I work and I'm not sorry for it, nor do I feel inclined to change.

sweetsub1957 -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 4:26:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? It depends. Daddy is married and poly and His Mrs knows about me and approves. I've even talked with her. That I'm okay with. A lying cheating scumbag Who wants to keep me a dirty little secret while He lies to His Mrs? Oh HELL NO!! Not a chance in hell of that happening. Not even, in this lifetime or any other. ~sweetsub~

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 4:36:30 PM)
I will not play second fiddle to someone's wife, and top priority, so for me, yes, someone being married is a huge deal breaker in any relationship where they're a regular partner and shares my life. A play partner, or a one night stand or someone like that, as long as they're not cheating on their wife, and their wife is ok with me, then I'll swing with or play with married people. quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue?

Killerangel -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 5:07:15 PM)
Yes - complete dealbreaker.

catize -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 5:32:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BillYoung24 Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things? Not at all, unless I mind numerous broken dates, (something/someone happened) spending every major holiday alone, feeling rushed because the married person 'only has an hour', never being able to spend the night,or not able to shake the feeling that I am just as much a part of betraying an innocent spouse as the married person. Otherwise, no problem at all! Okay, so the above was sarcasm, but can't you see how you do not get the best of both worlds and how you shortchange your wife and your 'side piece' and yourself? Honesty with yourself is a lot harder than honesty to another person. Look at yourself honestly and decide what is most important; your marriage or the kind of things you dream about. I am not monogamous, but I only submit to/play with people who know that and they are also open about their non-monogamy.

DesFIP -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 5:33:09 PM)
If you discovered that your wife was having a torrid affair with a coworker, wouldn't you be hurt? How will she feel when she finds out, and eventually she will. Will she seek a divorce, exile you to the couch, teach your children that you're an untrustworthy liar? All of those are possibilities. It would be better to decide first what matters more to you, keeping the family intact or your chance for happiness. Now I know there are lots of unhappily married people out there, with a mistreated partner who stays because he/she doesn't want to destroy their children. And that's praise worthy. But the same partner who refuses to do anything to help fix the marriage is also the same one who will be as vindictive as possible when they discover that you went elsewhere to find a small imitation of the happiness that you are denied at home. You must be prepared for that. And the easiest way to prevent the vindictiveness is not to have anything they can use against you.

DarkSteven -> RE: Marriage (10/27/2010 5:34:06 PM)
There are two issues here. 1. The ethics. if it's a poly relationship and everyone is on board, than it's fine. If it's cheating, then no way. 2. The time factor. I want a submissive that will be mine as close to 24/7 as possible. Yes, there will be children and jobs, etc. but I don't want to share her with another man. Now, what I wrote applies to relationships, not play sessions. I have played with a taken woman before. Everything was aboveboard. It was just an OTK spanking.

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