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What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 1:14:46 PM

TexDomme

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/16/2009
Status: offline

This past July, I accepted the petition of a slave and put my training collar on him. He seemed sincere and trustworthy. After our 3rd session, I permitted him to take my training collar and one of my ball stretchers home as I wanted him to wear them in the evenings after he got home from work. Three days after he took them home, he disappeared; never to be heard from again! He didn't answer my emails or my phone calls to explain his behavior. After many emails to him requesting my property back, I decided it wasn't worth the effort as obviously he was going to continue to ignore me. Three weeks ago, I see on collarme.com that he accepted another Mistress and mentioned her name. I looked her up and sent her a very respectful email notifying her of her slave's behavior and requesting the return of my property. She answered my email telling me that she didn't want to get caught up in any previous 'drama' that occurred with her slave. We all know that the slave was wrong in not returning my property. I want to focus on the nonchalant attitude of the slave’s new “Mistress”. When I am interviewing a potential slave, I always inquire about his previous experiences so I can judge his character. I would want to know about a slave's behavior in regard to a previous Mistress. The character and integrity of a slave is extremely important to me. Beyond that, I believe it is the responsibility of a Dominant to form, shape and correct the traits and weaknesses of a slave. I don’t see a slave as just a hunk of meat to beat upon. If a previous Mistress of a newly slave came to me and informed me that my slave behaved in the above described fashion, I would not only require to slave to return the property but the slave would be punished for his disrespect to a another Dominant. Her taking the position that it is ‘just drama’ prior to her owning the slave, I believe is the height of irresponsibility. I am curious as to others' thoughts on this subject. Would you appreciate being informed of a newly acquired slave’s previous bad behavior? What would be your approach toward the slave? Do you think respect for other Dominants must be maintained in your slave’s heart?

Post #: 1

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 1:28:09 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline

Lesson learned - Do not ever allow anyone to take any of your toys home. Make them buy their OWN, that way you will avoid any drama.

If I were getting to know someone, and his ex dug around until she found my contact information so she could tell me about his misdeeds and possibly even telling me I should tell him to give her stuff back, I'd do exactly what this woman did. I'd probably not be as polite about it. Perhaps she sees him as a man, a human being, instead of a title he appointed himself, wants to make her OWN decisions about who he really is, and doesn't want your interference with her private life.

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 2

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 1:46:15 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Just...wow.

OP - clearly the new Domme is a lady, and a diplomat. She told you, politely, that it's got nothing to do with her and she's not interested in dealing with YOUR problems. That's an entirely appropriate response.

You really need to get this into perspective. You met three times, and he walked away with a collar and a sex toy. Hardly a major crime.

He has moved on. You need to do the same.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 3

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 1:54:50 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

This sounds very much to Me like the old tune of the ex wife trying to cause a rift with the current wife by telling the terrible stories from when the original pair were married. While I probably wouldn't have termed it as "drama" I wouldn't have appreciated a contact such as this, either. I completely agree that it was wrong for him to keep your property. However, it really isn't appropriate to bring someone who is a complete stranger to you into the middle of it. If there was no dispute about the items being yours, I would have made him return them, but I wouldn't have punished him for your sake. Things that happened before I had met him don't fall into that category.

As for believing that My slave needs to have respect for every other Dominant, My answer is no. While he is required to have courtesy, behave properly according to protocol and so on, he also knows My feelings on the matter of respect. To Me, respect is something that is earned. Not something that is automatically deserved just because someone has proclaimed themselves to be a Dominant.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 4

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 3:11:44 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexDomme

When I am interviewing a potential slave, I always inquire about his previous experiences so I can judge his character.

I agree with what the others here have said. I would also ask this: When you inquired about his previous experiences, as you say, so you could "judge his character," I'm assuming you didn't get any feedback that you found negative. Just goes to show that's not a foolproof method, I suppose, since he disappointed you so.

I'm afraid I've got to concur that approaching the new lady in his life was not the best thing to do.........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 5

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 3:20:13 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

You are wrong for inserting yourself in another couple's relationship. Your behavior is creepy and stalkerish. You need to let go.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 6

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 3:22:41 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Would you appreciate being informed of a newly acquired slave’s previous bad behavior? What would be your approach toward the slave? Do you think respect for other Dominants must be maintained in your slave’s heart?

I would think it was dramatic and not a little pathetic if a former *dom*, who I'd met 3 times, was going to such lengths over a toy. As for having respect for other dominants, they are just people, if they are nice and decent then I'm sure I'd afford them the same pleasantness that I would anyone else who is nice and decent.

Her new slave left you and for all she knows, you could be totally *cuckoo*. Why on earth would she want to involve herself with you? You are nothing to do with her, or him, for that matter.

agirl

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 7

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 3:31:14 PM

WolfyMontgomery

Posts: 234
Joined: 9/28/2010
Status: offline

While the slave was wrong in not returning your property, he was just a human being, and humans do stupid things, whether they call themselves slaves or Doms or whatever other titles they feel like putting on themselves. While I honestly thing the new Mistress should have forced him to return the stuff (theft is a crime, technically, and who would really want a significant other in general who steals stuff?), but I can see where she was coming from in not wanting to deal with previous drama, too.

For all you know, the slave may have already talked to her about it - maybe he lost the stuff and that was why he disappeared out of shame or something, and when he met her he'd told her about it. Or maybe the slave had left them at your doorstep because he didn't want to face you, but you weren't home and someone came upon the toys and took them before you got home. Shit happens. But they might have already discussed it. As such, maybe they'd already gone over that bump, and she didn't want to bring it back into the picture and thus said "I don't want to get caught in previous drama." Not saying that what she did was necessarily right or wrong, but people often have reasons for everything, and rarely are those reasons blatantly out in the open.

If I was a Mistress and had a new slave (which I'm not, but I have a good imagination ;P) - yes, I would appreciate knowing about previous illegal behaviors (like theft), but I would also take anything said by an ex with a grain of salt, knowing that sometimes relationships end badly and grudges can be held, lies can be told, slanderous things can be said to get back at the ex. Even as a slave - if I ever had a new Master I would appreciate words from previous slaves, but those would also be taken with a grain of salt, knowing that they could say slanderous things as well.
As anyone else would approach something, I'd talk to the person in question. A good portion of the time you can figure out if what the ex was saying was true or not by just judging the person's reaction. Maybe I'd keep a closer eye on my toys for a time to see if there was any grounds in those accusations, that sort of thing.

As for a slave's character and integrity and respect for other Mistresses and Masters - the first two are givens, they are encouraged in every human being and should be encouraged in slaves as well. They should be encouraged in Dominants, as well. But for the respect part: No, just because someone proclaims themselves a Dominant does not mean a slave needs to show respect. Common courtesy, yes, as that is expected of humans to other humans in general. Heck, if Master caught me saying "Yes Sir" or "Yes Miss" to anyone he didn't previously approve of he'd be furious. He requires me to hold courtesy for all other human beings, respect for the human race in general, but an individual has to earn that respect beyond regular courtesy, doesn't matter if they are Dom, sub, slave, Master, Queen, King, bum, gas station tenant, Professor, whatever.

_____________________________

~Eleven

-A Wolf of a Different Color

Fear me and my Gleaming Metal Chompers of DOOM!
..........that means my braces. >_>

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 8

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 3:44:28 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Hell, I don't even respect a lot of other people that claim to be dominant so I couldn't expect anyone else to. Nobody gets respect for slapping on a title. Nobody is treated as a dominant or slave until they are one of those things to the person they are involved with in my opinion. No one else should expect anything.

We cannot go around expecting other people to believe the same things we believe nor expecting them to treat someone the way we would in a situation like this. The way I see it and I have had a few situations myself, is that people given enough rope will hang themselves, given enough time. It's not my problem.

However, if the situation were one where I knew or knew of the person that took my place somehow or the 'crime' far more serious, I might write a letter and did once. Also, I have kept some things I would have returned (or the money for them), but since he was so awful about the things he said about me and did... they are still sitting in a box waiting to be returned upon his real apology for what was actually done. Until then they will rot in the box.

This person could go around telling people I'm a thief. I am not. I am stubborn and don't like being lied about, made a public spectacle and having my personal life broadcasted. That would include email. I don't expect someone else to handle what happened between someone else and I. I can do that just fine all on my own. If I can't handle it, then I simply won't involve myself with people until they have proven themselves with me. That way there is no loss.

Would I believe someone coming to me in email? That would depend on the person, the email and what was said and then I would check things out myself. But no one better expect me to do anything as a dominant or with someone I am involved with. No one directs me. I answer to myself and what I hold true.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 9

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 4:00:43 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexDomme

Would you appreciate being informed of a newly acquired slave’s previous bad behavior?

There's a rule on these forums that states there'll be no blacklisting. I bring this up because I find what you describe as "bad behavior" and bringing it to the attention of a new partner as being similar to blacklisting. Unless the person in question has commited some sort of crime or possess some character flaw that could lead to possible criminal behavior or actions, why would it be necessary to share past failures with a new partner?
In regards to the example you gave, that of sending this man home with a collar and a piece of equipment, was there even an agreement in place as to the return of this property? If yes, then bad on him. If no, then bad on you. Regardless, no business of the new partner. In fact, you yourself said you had decided to let it go...

quote:

After many emails to him requesting my property back, I decided it wasn't worth the effort as obviously he was going to continue to ignore me.

...until you found him here on CM and listing someone new as his owner.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexDomme
What would be your approach toward the slave?

As I said, if it was agreed the property would be returned, I would take it up with him...not his new partner. Personally, I think this would make one heck of a case for Judge Judy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexDomme
Do you think respect for other Dominants must be maintained in your slave’s heart?

No. Common courtsey is always acceptable but respect is earned, not given because someone goes by "Master" or "Mistress".

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 10

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 4:17:45 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

I'm just kinda grossed out by the thought that you want the ball stretcher back so that you could use it on another....
I wouldn't want anything that touched someone else's balls on my balls.
If I had balls....

_____________________________

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 11

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 4:30:59 PM

MIsabelah

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/7/2010
Status: offline

I don't think this is about getting your property back at ALL. I believe this is really about you wanting an explanation by your previous slave of why he skipped out. And contacting his current Mistress is your way of trying to involve her into your business so you are righted. My suggestion is some serious introspection. Of course you are upset and of course you are hurt by the ended relationship- but your behavior is unhealthy. We all dislike being rejected it makes us feel like sh-t, but we cry, get mad, and eventually move on. Focus on YOU- and not on him.

< Message edited by MIsabelah -- 10/31/2010 4:32:33 PM >

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 12

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 4:38:35 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexDomme
After many emails to him requesting my property back,

How many are we talking about? More than two? Who's the dominant here? The one who makes a decision and sticks with it, or the one who begs and pleads over email again and again and again?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 13

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 4:43:24 PM

jujubeeMB

Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

Sorry, but this doesn't have anything to do with dynamics. The guy is a straight-up thief and the OP was trying to guilt him into giving back her property by bringing a third person into it when contacting him directly didn't work. I think she's being completely reasonable, and even though she's very unlikely to get back her toys, I don't see the slightest trace of disrespect or stalkerish behavior. Frankly, if the items he stole were worth more than a hundred dollars, I would inform him that I would be reporting the theft to the police if I didn't have the items back in a week, and then see if that got a response from him. Not all of us are rich, and BDSM gear can be incredibly expensive.

And no, it has nothing to do with being respectful to all Dom/mes or anything like that. When he refused to return her property, he relinquished the right to keep his theft a secret from whoever she happened to tell. She happened to tell his new Mistress. Was it the bigger person thing to do? Probably not. But to hell with being a bigger person - she wanted her stuff back.

(in reply to WolfyMontgomery)

Post #: 14

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 4:54:16 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexDomme

If a previous Mistress of a newly slave came to me and informed me that my slave behaved in the above described fashion, I would not only require to slave to return the property but the slave would be punished for his disrespect to a another Dominant. Her taking the position that it is ‘just drama’ prior to her owning the slave, I believe is the height of irresponsibility. I am curious as to others' thoughts on this subject. Would you appreciate being informed of a newly acquired slave’s previous bad behavior? What would be your approach toward the slave? Do you think respect for other Dominants must be maintained in your slave’s heart?

Greetings TexDomme,

I'm sorry you had an unfortunate experience with your previous slave and loss your property as a result of it. However, if I were in a similar situation and another individual approached my Partner regarding my behavior I'd be pretty perturbed. I'm certain the response would probably be less to their liking unless He held them in high regard. It's a very delicate situation and as other members have mentioned it often casts a negative light on the bearer rather than the one you're speaking against.

As such, I have a firm policy about keeping people out of my affairs and have discovered the less they know the better. Irregardless of the good intentions involved, it invariably leads to confusion and distrust and in the end no one can prevent me from making a mistake. We each must accept ownership for our decisions and the ramifications that follow. Under no circumstances do I want advice or would be warnings from well meaning persons. I trust that prior to engaging with the individual I made an informed choice and stand by it. Learning about previous mishaps isn't going to shake my confidence in the one I'm with, but it would make me very skeptical about the motives of the party determined to share yesterday's news. Best of luck.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to TexDomme)

Post #: 15

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 5:34:10 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I'm just kinda grossed out by the thought that you want the ball stretcher back so that you could use it on another....
I wouldn't want anything that touched someone else's balls on my balls.
If I had balls....

Lol, and for today's CM laugh....

And I can see both points.

For the OP (and me), there's a world of difference between me giving as opposed to them taking - no matter what the item is.

And yeah, I don't re-use personal toys (dildo, butt plug etc) with a new sub. If she's worth letting into my personal life, then the toys should come complete with "new car smell"....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 16

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 6:47:00 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

sounds like drama on your part. lesson learned. let go and let be.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 17

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 6:48:40 PM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

In reading the OP, the first thing i wondered was - did he really see it as a loan or a gift. Did she actually buy these things FOR him as in no one else can or will ever use them based they are used for a person's genitals?

He could see your hounding him after he decided not to have any more contact with you as your bad faith in wanting a gift back. And i wonder if everyone "really knows" he "took" your property - as you gave it to him, the items you gave are very personal in nature and usually are used only for one person. So while your side of the story may seem plausible --- there is another side no one knows. His side.

From your post, his side could be, she gave me a gift, i told her i wasn't positive about accepting a training collar but she pretty much forced it and the ball stretcher on me so i took it. I did tell her i wasn't interested anymore and moved on. And she keeps calling and hounding me and now she has moved on to hounding my new Mistress.

As others have commented, while i don't know what a ball stretcher actually is, its not something i would see as a need back concept because you plan to use it again on someone else -- eww factor sorry. And i presume they are not resaleable?

To me calling the new chick in his life is to me having been on the side of "old girlfriends" (i.e., strangers to me) who wanted to tell me what an ass he is -- is ALWAYS freaky and to me a little stalkerish.

But you the OP actually using an anonymous profile to contact a person you don't know to tell her about how "bad" and such her new slave is -- to me is ultra freaky and obsessive, harassing etc and yeah major stalkerish and at the very least drama. For all anyone knows, his story to her is they were a gift and when i decided i didn't want to be with her again, she started freaking out wanting her gift back.

The police probably will tell her its not their problem. She GAVE the property to him, so it is either a gift concept or a verbal or written contract issue, both civil matters she would have to take up in civil court and a judge would decide if its a gift or a contract concept where he would owe her the monetary value etc. Also, as i presume its a toy most people don't share between partners simply by the name, in court the Judge would probably use the fact she bought them for him as weighing more as a gift than something she will need back because they were something she bought to GIVE to him to use? The training collar is slightly different though just as eww to me as it would have other people's sweat on it and okay just yuck lol.

To me, if you really felt the way you do OP-- you want it back or the monetary value back there are ways other than stalking and harassing an innocent party in the whole thing ---> take him to small claims court and ask for the return of the property or the monetary value of same. Then the court will decide if he acted in bad faith or if you are in demanding it back.

So in the end its hard to decipher the truth because we are only hearing one side of the story and based on her post, i am getting the stalkerish, harrassing, omg he didn't call vibe from her and because he didn't, she wants her stuff back concept -- and her call to this new chick more of a OMG let me tell you all about him moreso than wanting her stuff back. As i said, if she wanted her stuff back that much -- she seems intelligent enough to know she can go to small claims instead of harassing a woman who has nothing to do with the issues she has with her ex. Its not a pleasant concept to receive such an email or even being approached by an ex regarding their wanting to whinge about the guy they are no longer with and i happen to be talking to him.

angel

Also, edited to add the following:

quote:

I decided it wasn't worth the effort as obviously he was going to continue to ignore me.

Obviously you didn't think it wasn't worth the effort as you were still perving his profile three months later. Which is why i don't think your contacting her had anything to do with your stuff but instead you were looking to start trouble in his new relationship and that to me equals drama queen.

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 10/31/2010 7:14:13 PM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 18

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 7:26:25 PM

hematitan

Posts: 49
Joined: 6/25/2010
Status: offline

I'd be more concerned about the new Domme if she were quick to accept the word of someone she presumably never even talked to before. It sounds like she avoided making a rash judgment or taking sides, and I think that was wise.

Without knowing what's going on in her relationship with the slave, it's impossible to know if she's "handling" it or not. For all we know, she asked the slave about it after getting the message and they discussed it. Or getting the message may have made her question the slave's integrity. We don't know.

(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 19

RE: What are your thoughts? - 10/31/2010 7:59:25 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

How much was the stuff worth?

Some of those collars can run into the tens of thousands.

This probably isn't worth the time you're spending on it. But. If it was a pricey toy set he walked away with, that changes the equation.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to hematitan)

Post #: 20

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