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Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/1/2010 8:21:11 PM   
DaegonNeo


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/10/2010
Status: offline 		Well, after a couple of failures, I'm coming here to ask what I did wrong. Plenty of you guys saw how the community jumped on me when I was being a hard-ass, and unyeilding. So, I adjusted my attitude, and kept trying. Now I've just been told that I'm not "dommish" enough, because in the trial period, I apparently didn't assert my dominance enough.

So, I guess my question is: Are there any reccomended ways to prevent yourself from laying it on too thick or too thin? Usually, if I don't know the person well enough, I don't know what I want out of them, especially if it's an online relationship, and I can't really get a read on what they want. I'm not very much into rule-making right now, especially if the sub seems like a nice girl, who treats me with respect and doesn't need any attitude adjustments. However, that's about the best way to dominate over the internet, according to my latest ex-sub.

Right now, I'm still trying to get a feel for the limits. I just want to break out of this loop I'm in, that I can't find any subs I'd want to have because I don't have enough experience, and I don't have any experience, because I don't have any subs to dominate right now...

Advice is appreciated. Examples and allegories are welcome. Criticism is accepted.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/1/2010 8:25:19 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		The first thing you did after your brush with a toxic start on the boards, was within days you claimed a submissive and I think she had only been here a day or so.

Slow down, read and learn, go meet with others publicly and watch and learn. Stop trying to be something and be who you are.


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to DaegonNeo)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/1/2010 8:38:40 PM   
DaegonNeo


Posts: 26
Joined: 10/10/2010
Status: offline 		....actually, to tell you the truth, that sub/slave has been a friend of mine, since a few years ago. I introduced her to the boards, but she got a lot of strange E-mails, so she asked if she could call me Master, so she could send me the Messages, and let me deal with them. I didn't get as much experience out of that as you'd think.

I'm planning on reading and learning what I can, but I can't go meet others publically, because I'm still in college right now. I can do a few things online, but otherwise I'm stuck here at college, or at my home doing schoolwork.

Right now, I'm just trying to learn how to be a dom, when most of the time I act too soft. I want to be able to assert my authority, without having to worry if I'm being more of an ass than a Dominant. If I'm not there yet, then that's where I want to be right now; reguardless of who I am, that's who I want to be.

< Message edited by DaegonNeo -- 11/1/2010 8:42:55 PM >

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/1/2010 8:54:33 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		What i may consider soft, another will consider perfect. Dont try to be anything... other than yourself. Learn about yourself and what you desire from another. This isnt a race... slow down and enjoy the scenery.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to DaegonNeo)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/1/2010 8:57:42 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

What i may consider soft, another will consider perfect. Dont try to be anything... other than yourself. Learn about yourself and what you desire from another. This isnt a race... slow down and enjoy the scenery.


This.  Be yourself, if you, doing what feels most comfortable and natural to be doing, are too soft or too hard for a girl chances are she isn't the girl for you.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/1/2010 9:05:04 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Being in college doesn't preclude you from attending events about BDSM.  I promise you that they aren't going to stop you at the door and say "ewwwww.....higher education alert".  You may have to specifically seek out TNG groups due to your age, but if you want something bad enough, you will make it happen.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/1/2010 9:08:03 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		I had way more opportunity to attend kink events while I was in college than after.  Colleges tend to be in fairly open minded places and there are often kink centered groups organized through the college.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 12:28:16 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		We have more college students at our munches then we do non college students, I looks like their are a lot of munches and groups semi local to you.

http://www.bdsm-texas.com/state.htm  check some of them out dallas looks to be like an hours drive from you.


_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 12:51:09 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

What i may consider soft, another will consider perfect. Dont try to be anything... other than yourself. Learn about yourself and what you desire from another. This isnt a race... slow down and enjoy the scenery.


This and

quote:


ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Being in college doesn't preclude you from attending events about BDSM.  I promise you that they aren't going to stop you at the door and say "ewwwww.....higher education alert".  You may have to specifically seek out TNG groups due to your age, but if you want something bad enough, you will make it happen.



For my two cents...

Remember that dating and finding a partner is just hard. Think of how many non-kinky people who struggle to find a happy, healthy relationship. Or even just a fuck-buddy sometimes. And the more 'filters', ie. must be a non-smoker, must be submissive, must be able to drive, the more people are going to be weeded out.

And that is a good thing because you want what you want. Just be patient - it may happen tomorrow or in five years.

Also, if you want to build up your toy-bag skills, put some feelers out for experienced subs/bottoms who are willing to scene with doms/tops to let them get experience. It probably won't be a relationship but it will get your whips swinging and may turn out to be something. Maybe not with the bottom/sub in question but I have suggested tops/doms I've helped to teach to others.

Best of luck regardless of the path you take.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 7:19:19 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaegonNeo
I'm in, that I can't find any subs I'd want to have because I don't have enough experience, and I don't have any experience, because I don't have any subs to dominate right now...
Become active in your local community and find yourself a RL mentor. I would recommend that the mentor be the same role, Dom male.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DaegonNeo)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 8:53:13 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaegonNeo

Well, after a couple of failures, I'm coming here to ask what I did wrong. Plenty of you guys saw how the community jumped on me when I was being a hard-ass, and unyeilding. So, I adjusted my attitude, and kept trying. Now I've just been told that I'm not "dommish" enough, because in the trial period, I apparently didn't assert my dominance enough.
Fuck the community. Fuck what anyone else says. Be you-being true to who you are is the only way to be a Dominant. Otherwise you are only selling a lie, creating a sham, a facade to pull someone in under false pretenses. And that would make you a shitty person, so don't head down that path. If you're a hard ass, be a hard ass. If you're a softie sensualist, be that.  There's a nut out there for every screw. Look long enough, be a relatively decent man and sooner or later you'll run across someone compatible. Until then, know what? Some of the gals you meet are gonna like the you that you are (or become). Lots won't. So what. Keep sifting to you find the one who clicks with you...and vice versa. Ya know, just like any other relationship.

So, I guess my question is: Are there any reccomended ways to prevent yourself from laying it on too thick or too thin?See above. Usually, if I don't know the person well enough, I don't know what I want out of them,Why not? I damn well know what I want of/from/for/to a slave. Why the heck shouldn't you? (I'll whisper this once. The single most attractive/erotic trait a man can have is self confidence. Not arrogance, not being an overweening jackass, but simple confidence in who he is and what he does) especially if it's an online relationship, and I can't really get a read on what they want. Errrr, dude. She's supposed to do what you want, not the other way around. I'm not very much into rule-making right now, especially if the sub seems like a nice girl, who treats me with respect and doesn't need any attitude adjustments. However, that's about the best way to dominate over the internet, according to my latest ex-sub.

Right now, I'm still trying to get a feel for the limits.What are your limits? Lay it out. This is what I like. This is what I want. This is what I have done. This is what I'd like to do. This is what I expect out of anyone I am involved with. Can she meet it. If not, keep looking, don't waste your time or hers. My limits define our relationship, not hers I just want to break out of this loop I'm in, that I can't find any subs I'd want to have because I don't have enough experience, and I don't have any experience, because I don't have any subs to dominate right now...

Advice is appreciated. Examples and allegories are welcome. Criticism is accepted.


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to DaegonNeo)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 9:13:44 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		OP, Kana is right about one thing:

Self confidence is the most attractive trait, but not arrogance or an overblown ego and sense of entitlement. I would also keep to your thought that limits should be discussed; and worked on together. Making immediate demands is probably not the best way to go, but again, some women like that.

Just be yourself; one woman might not like a soft Dom, that other woman may consider him her dream Dom.

As far as what line to strike whether you are coming on too strong or not, again, be yourself, but be cognizant that not everyone likes the same approach. I would err on the side of courtesy, which is not mutually exclusive of being Dominant, in fact, I think it shows class.


(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 9:14:31 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		You don't learn to BE a Dom.. you either are or your not... if you are then you can learn to express it better, gain experience in it, cope with the problems of dealing with submissives better... but if it isn't in you to start with then it will never be who you are.

Top... different matter, you could train a chimp to be a Top... actually from some of the Tops I've seen, maybe that's already happened, just they need better training

First task for anyone new... learn who you really are, not just who you would LIKE to be.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 9:28:53 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

OP, Kana is right about one thing



Just one? Young lady, go to your room.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse
First task for anyone new... learn who you really are, not just who you would LIKE to be.


Amen.


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 9:53:01 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Nothing much to add to the excellent advice you've already had - it really is about being yourself!

I really just wanted to say kudos for coming back and posting again.


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to DaegonNeo)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 10:33:46 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Echoing what others have said so eloquently - there is no such thing as a "perfect Dom" ... there's just "you".

Do it the way you want to do it because, eventually, you'll want to do it for the longest time with just one woman (or a few, if you're looking for poly).

You can only sustain an act for so long before it starts to fall apart. Like many subs, I like honesty and consistency. I also want to fall in love with a dominant man whose needs suit mine. If his needs start to change because we didn't start out with honesty, then I'm going to get disillusioned and eventually walk away.

Be yourself, be confident, and be patient...the right woman will come along eventually

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 12:27:02 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Think long and hard about who you are at the core of things and then be yourself. You weren't right for someone you met, ok, life goes on. It's not about being right for everyone you meet, it's about being what's right for you and then finding someone who is attracted to that. Self confidence and knowing what you want is drop dead sexy. If you don't fit every woman out there like a glove who cares? It's just like finding someone who likes the same type of music or food that you do...it's a match up of interests that makes things work with another person so figure out what type of relationship or D/s interests float your boat and go find someone who likes that too.

I'd personally laugh at someone who wanted to act the part of a Dominant man. I've been with very controlling Doms and very lenient ones. The common quality they had that attracted me was their utter honestly with what they wanted and the fact that they showed me a genuine portrayal of themselves.

My Dom now is not uber-controlling, he likes my input. We work well together and he's still the boss of me. I"m sure other subs would find him not controlling enough but whatever, it's a success for us. Find the right person who will appreciate you for who you are.

(in reply to DaegonNeo)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 8:00:15 PM   
DaddyDomP


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline 		Take a look at your thread title...inexperienced Dom. Yes, you either have a Dom personality or not but there is nothing like experience to become better aware. No one is born a perfect Dom. One suggestion is listen and be aware of what is going on while with Your sub. The more aware about Your surroundings, the better you adjust to different things. Anybody can bully a sub but it is far more difficult to have a sub willingly surrender to You because that is where she wants to be. I know others have different styles and subs are different but My style is to guide and nuture a sub until she desires to surrender to Me. This doesn't mean I am soft because I can be as strict as the situation calls for but if I treat every situtation with the same strictness then You put Yourself in a very unflexible, one sided relationship that isn't able to grow. There is nothing better then a Dom and sub to grow their relationship together and expand their horizons and experience as one. Hope I make sense.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 9:00:29 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi Daegon,

As I recall, you are looking for online only. The advice you're getting "to be yourself" may not be valid for this situation.

A sub looking for online only often wants a fantasy fulfilled. Her fantasy Dom will be rather different than anything she could handle in real life. That may be why the subs you've chosen don't think you are domly enough. You are competing with a make-believe man derived from their kinky imagination. They likely don't have any more real experience than you do.

I see nothing wrong with you experimenting with your Dom personality during online interactions (not in the forums, please!). Think of online domming as a rehearsal for that time when you can finally make it IRL. See what fits. See what doesn't. Have fun. Make it fun for your online sub.

Good luck. And don't be so impatient. You've been here for about two weeks!

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to DaegonNeo)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/2/2010 9:26:54 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: January

Hi Daegon,

As I recall, you are looking for online only. The advice you're getting "to be yourself" may not be valid for this situation.

A sub looking for online only often wants a fantasy fulfilled. Her fantasy Dom will be rather different than anything she could handle in real life. That may be why the subs you've chosen don't think you are domly enough. You are competing with a make-believe man derived from their kinky imagination. They likely don't have any more real experience than you do.

I see nothing wrong with you experimenting with your Dom personality during online interactions (not in the forums, please!). Think of online domming as a rehearsal for that time when you can finally make it IRL. See what fits. See what doesn't. Have fun. Make it fun for your online sub.

Good luck. And don't be so impatient. You've been here for about two weeks!

January


This is true.  There are various places you can roleplay D/s, as well as exploring aspects of your personality through e-mail and IM's.  If you want things to transition, eventually, into real life though don't go too overboard with it or the real you wont be able to compete with the online one.

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 20
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