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RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/11/2010 4:11:09 PM

Awareness

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

Having a sub is not what makes one a Dom.

Dom's - to varying degrees - have a achieved a level of self-mastery. This is a critical point, simply because there's a lot of delusional people out there where people think they can learn to dominate by aping what they see.
Being a Dom is a psychological mindset. And dominance and submission takes place purely in the space of the mind. You can't learn to be dominant, you must become dominant - and that does not require a sub.
Put simply - master yourself. Develop a personality which is defined by strength. The strength to deal with stressful situations, hardships and the truth of reality. Build your self-esteem almost to the point of arrogance. When you reach that place of certainty in yourself, your interactions with others aren't motivated by the need for validation.

In short, you are in no way ready to be a Dom. You're basically running around trying to please a community of people on message boards. This shows you have insufficient certainty in who you are and how you wish to behave. I suggest you examine your own motivations for why you wish to identify as a Dom - if you're driven by need or the desire to compensate for how unjustly you feel the world is treating you, then you're trying to live a fantasy to compensate. That's now how this works.

(in reply to Nineveh)

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Post #: 41

RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/11/2010 5:39:57 PM

Zenjamin

Posts: 3
Joined: 11/11/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

What i may consider soft, another will consider perfect. Dont try to be anything... other than yourself. Learn about yourself and what you desire from another. This isnt a race... slow down and enjoy the scenery.

To ecco this, I would like to say that changing yourself contrary to your nature is fundamentally not dominant, And could even be seen submissive.

This is my first post, so I could be completely wrong. But as an example, if you are with a woman and she thinks you are being too soft, one of the most dominant things to do would be to straight up tell her that you are soft when you desire to be soft, and hard when you desire her to be hard. Tell her that you will reaveal your more beastly nature when you see fit. And if she pushes the matter, she may regret it... ;)

But in all seriousness though, the submissive can be forced out of the potential sub.
But the dominant can NOT be forced out of the potential dom. It has to be coaxed out.

Paradoxical? Perhaps. But that is how I see it.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

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Post #: 42

RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/11/2010 6:05:56 PM

SoulcatcherXXX

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/28/2004
Status: offline

Just a note about my experience with online D/s. I've ended up doing it quite a bit over the last few years because I live in a smaller town now with an even smaller D/s scene. I've seen quite a bit of both sides of it--a lot of posers, a lot of people pretending to be something they actually aren't, a lot of people who "forget" to mention that they are married for a long time, etc...but I have to say that I've also had some good, lasting relationships online and met a number of people in RL who I got to know in an online situation first. Meeting in RL, the other person is usually not quite what you expect, or better to say they are not exactly the same in RL as they are online. That applies even when both people are being honest with each other, I think it's just a matter of being able to relate face-to-face as opposed to having a mostly text-based relationship. Talking with them on voice chat or cams goes a long way toward solving that issue, as text tends to be more difficult to convey emotional nuances in, etc. Anyway...the people I ended up meeting in RL, I have to say, were all legit and were all just who they claimed to be. Of course a person has to be selective (and maybe lucky too) if they hope to have that happen, but with a decent screening process I have never been disappointed after meeting the people and have made several long-term friends too. Online is a good thing, in the sense that you can meet people you'd have never known at all otherwise...so in that sense it gives you quite a few options. Its limits are pretty obvious and it's certainly no substitute for a RL relationship, but I think it can often be a good way to learn about and try new things in a safe environment...I know it has helped many people get into the lifestyle who otherwise probably wouldn't have had the opportunity. I've seen quite a few instance where people who met online later got together in RL and seemed to make it work very well. I think the key to that, as others have said here, is to be honest about who you are and what you're looking for...if you pretend to be someone else, there is almost no chance that RL meeting is going to be a success because the first that happens will be being exposed as a liar...there goes the trust, and its all downhill from there. I think if a person is honest about what they want and need, and selective about who they develop online relationships with (some are not, and it usually doesn't end well) there is a pretty good chance of meeting a person who will be genuine and who may even become a close friend or partner in RL somewhere down the road. But like with anything online a person has to be careful and watchful, aware of the potential for deception that always exists there. I hope that made sense...I was just trying to add my experiences to those of others here on the subject because it never hurts to get feedback from a variety of sources.

(in reply to Zenjamin)

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Post #: 43

RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/11/2010 7:24:05 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Having a sub is not what makes one a Dom.

Dom's - to varying degrees - have a achieved a level of self-mastery. This is a critical point, simply because there's a lot of delusional people out there where people think they can learn to dominate by aping what they see.
Being a Dom is a psychological mindset. And dominance and submission takes place purely in the space of the mind. You can't learn to be dominant, you must become dominant - and that does not require a sub.
Put simply - master yourself. Develop a personality which is defined by strength. The strength to deal with stressful situations, hardships and the truth of reality. Build your self-esteem almost to the point of arrogance. When you reach that place of certainty in yourself, your interactions with others aren't motivated by the need for validation.

In short, you are in no way ready to be a Dom. You're basically running around trying to please a community of people on message boards. This shows you have insufficient certainty in who you are and how you wish to behave. I suggest you examine your own motivations for why you wish to identify as a Dom - if you're driven by need or the desire to compensate for how unjustly you feel the world is treating you, then you're trying to live a fantasy to compensate. That's now how this works.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Awareness)

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Post #: 44

RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/11/2010 7:25:12 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

Wait, are you trying to tell me to be more arrogant?

(in reply to poise)

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Post #: 45

RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/11/2010 7:40:30 PM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

but I can't go meet others publically, because I'm still in college right now. I can do a few things online, but otherwise I'm stuck here at college, or at my home doing schoolwork.

The university near here is very active BDSM wise, and I live in a hokey, countrified, midwestern state.

Check it out.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to Nineveh)

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Post #: 46

RE: Inexperienced Dom here. - 11/12/2010 10:52:39 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Having a sub is not what makes one a Dom.

Dom's - to varying degrees - have a achieved a level of self-mastery. This is a critical point, simply because there's a lot of delusional people out there where people think they can learn to dominate by aping what they see.
Being a Dom is a psychological mindset. And dominance and submission takes place purely in the space of the mind. You can't learn to be dominant, you must become dominant - and that does not require a sub.
Put simply - master yourself. Develop a personality which is defined by strength. The strength to deal with stressful situations, hardships and the truth of reality. Build your self-esteem almost to the point of arrogance. When you reach that place of certainty in yourself, your interactions with others aren't motivated by the need for validation.

In short, you are in no way ready to be a Dom. You're basically running around trying to please a community of people on message boards. This shows you have insufficient certainty in who you are and how you wish to behave. I suggest you examine your own motivations for why you wish to identify as a Dom - if you're driven by need or the desire to compensate for how unjustly you feel the world is treating you, then you're trying to live a fantasy to compensate. That's now how this works.