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Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 8:15:35 AM

love2cubound

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/18/2010
Status: offline

I have been a DOM for the last 15 years plus or minus a couple of years. My former GF was my submissive, we lived together for thee years. She no longer wanted the lifestyle and wanted to return to her vanilla lifestyle which I gladly encouraged her to do. Being a submissive is in your heart, it is not something someone can make you do. Fast forward...... I met a new sub we been talking on the phone. She is tired of all the fake DOMs out there. She claims every time she meets a DOM the energy is not the same as on the phone, in fact she goes on to say they become very passive and wimpy in person. We are going to have a general first meeting today to see if chemistry is right. I dont want to come over as an demanding prick and I don't want to be a push over either. I will be myself, confident, nice, stern but flexible and pleasant. In short: she has been a submissive in a former relationship however never considered herself submissive until reading more about D's relationship. She no longer see's her DOM lover. She has a one great on line experience but nothing real time. She has many twisted thoughts but nothing has materialize. Your thoughts.

Post #: 1

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 8:20:06 AM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Be yourself. This girl will obviously have her "bullshit detector" turned up to disintegrate. Face it, if the doesnt like the REAL you, then you have no future together. Wouldnt it just suck massively if she hated the "False Front" you and would have really liked who you really are?

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 2

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 8:30:01 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Being a submissive is in your heart, it is not something someone can make you do.

I believe the exact opposite. I am unable to auto submit to a guy simply because he self-labels as a dominant. The right man for me can definitely make me submit.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 3

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 8:35:13 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

You're going to hear a lot of this but be yourself. If someone is trying to put on an act or be something other than what they truly are it is always obvious. If you are affectionate and easy going then it's good she finds that out now and see if it works for her. It's not so much how you can fit the bill for her, it's seeing if the two of you match in what works for both of you.

I'll put this out there as well...I tend to react badly if I'm in the first stages of meeting someone and they presume too much. If there haven't been any agreements between us then I don't particularly want a new man to be territorial and/or pushy. If we decide together that we're going to do something then it's a different story and I welcome being told what to do. A lot of men, especially online, will make the mistake of thinking that being a Dom means being a Dom to every and any submissive who crosses their path...not true. You are MY Dom if I say you are and not before.

I could be wrong but my experience is that general good manners and being polite are always welcome...

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 4

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 8:36:48 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

My thought is that I see nothing wrong with your plan of being yourself. The energy will either be there or it won't. If you try to be a certain type of persona that isn't who you really are, you might fool her long enough to get through your meeting, but what then?

The best thing that two people can do when they meet in person is to forget whatever preconceptions of who they "should be" and just be who they are.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 5

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 9:08:44 AM

hisbadkitty

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/6/2010
Status: offline

I can't imagine that there would be any other answer than 'be yourself' - whether for this lifestyle or vanilla... any relationship has to be built on the true chemistry not a facade.

_____________________________

“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires.
Seek discipline and find your liberty.”
~Frank Herbert

*Delightfully in training*

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 9:25:42 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

You should be yourself.

This girl... well... the one with zero real life experience... the one who finds guys she likes on the phone but then no longer likes them face to face... yeah... Well, she's got some work to do.

In the end though, yourself is all you really have to offer someone else. It's pointless to attempt to offer up anything different. Someone either likes that or they don't. Take heart in the fact that you're not alone. I'm pretty sure that I'm too controlling for some slaves here... not controlling enough for others... and control in all the wrong places for the vast majority. That's kinda how compatibility goes, neh?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 7

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 9:42:46 AM

love2cubound

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/18/2010
Status: offline

Thanks, " Be Yourself" I understand. All good information and suggestions. As we know it is very hard to find a good submissive and even harder to find a real connection.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 8

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 12:41:10 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

She's looking for a fantasy, someone who she will have perfect chemistry who will abduct her on sight. You don't want to do that because the odds of her regretting it and charging you with kidnapping are too high. So she'll probably consider you 'too wimpy' also. Be grateful for an escape.

If she listens to you, which I doubt she will, then explain to her where the consent portion of this comes in, and how a good dominant doesn't force a sub to do things she isn't ready for, instead inspiring her to expand her boundaries herself.

Suggest she learns a lot more before she dives in and makes mistakes that could be life threatening. Send her here, to fetlife, to read nonfiction books.

But you have to be yourself, you can't remold yourself into someone who matches what she wants on any given day because her wants will change every day.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 9

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 11:04:14 PM

love2cubound

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/18/2010
Status: offline

Meet this evening, no chemistry.......

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/7/2010 11:30:30 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

I'm not surprised. A woman whose only experience is online is not gsymmv (generally speaking, your mileage may vary) someone who expects real people with real personalities. They expect a porn Dom. Ah well.

One down, 5bazillion 999milillion 999thousand 999 more to go!

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 11

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 2:04:26 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: love2cubound

I have been a DOM for the last 15 years plus or minus a couple of years. My former GF was my submissive, we lived together for thee years. She no longer wanted the lifestyle and wanted to return to her vanilla lifestyle which I gladly encouraged her to do. Being a submissive is in your heart, it is not something someone can make you do. Fast forward...... I met a new sub we been talking on the phone. She is tired of all the fake DOMs out there. She claims every time she meets a DOM the energy is not the same as on the phone, in fact she goes on to say they become very passive and wimpy in person. We are going to have a general first meeting today to see if chemistry is right. I dont want to come over as an demanding prick and I don't want to be a push over either. I will be myself, confident, nice, stern but flexible and pleasant. In short: she has been a submissive in a former relationship however never considered herself submissive until reading more about D's relationship. She no longer see's her DOM lover. She has a one great on line experience but nothing real time. She has many twisted thoughts but nothing has materialize. Your thoughts.

Well I'm gonna class her as inexperienced so BE WARNED, there is no greater folly for a Dom than living up to the preconceived notions of a novice submissive with a lifetime's fantasies waiting to be unleashed. I've been overbearing to some and seemingly not dominant at all to others - without ever being anyone but ME...! Fortunately I also found subs who doubled as mature, realistic adults and also appreciated me for being me....

So if it does go badly, at least be the real you that didn't do it for her rather than some arsehole role you thought might move things along....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 12

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 2:16:32 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

Well, I agree with what everyone else has said pretty much, but I'll add that first impressions are worth a little showmanship for. So go ahead and plan to blow the girl away with a well-thought-out introduction. If it's good enough for the military (Basic Training shakedown, anyone? fuckin' CHRIST I hated that cattle car), it should be good enough for you.

Sorry there was no chemistry there, broski. Better luck next time.

< Message edited by DMFParadox -- 11/8/2010 2:17:45 AM >

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 13

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 3:17:41 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

I also say be yourself, a true dominant does not and should be expect to have a certain way we act or certain things we do, i am myself , i love to laugh, dollhouses is something that i collect! It does not me make any less dominant then anyone here, it is a part of me that i tell the submissives i meet! Oh yes get this they made a tiny whip! Yes i could not believe it either!

mons ( sometimes the new ones can be very good to have they are more open and not jaded as some of the more experince submissive, ok not all of you are jaded just a small number)

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 14

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 3:19:25 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: love2cubound

Thanks, " Be Yourself" I understand. All good information and suggestions. As we know it is very hard to find a good submissive and even harder to find a real connection.

I agree with those that have suggested being yourself.
This is not about finding a good submissive but about finding someone who YOU have a connection with.
Each and every person is hugely individual and yet it seems that she has made you nervous by stating that all she has met is wishy washy fake dominants so far. I doubt that's the case and its more likely that they simply didn't press the right buttons for her.
Her expectations are very specific and her view of dominance could be very narrow, which means your either going to hit it off or your not. She may not find you dominant, whilst another submissive may find your the perfect dominant.

All you can do is test the waters and see how it goes but I think the worst mistake you can make here is trying to impress by acting out something you think she wants.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 15

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 3:41:45 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

stating that all she has met is wishy washy fake dominants so far. I doubt that's the case and its more likely that they simply didn't press the right buttons for her.
Her expectations are very specific and her view of dominance could be very narrow

All this 'be yourself' stuff eats at me a bit, because it's not... mm. Trying to find a good adjective here. It's not complete.

Be your best self. Use that first meet as an excuse to do things you've wanted to for a while. Punch it up. Life's too short and death's too final to waste your time dozing through it. Think of some things that would be really cool if you heard about somebody else doing it on a first meet. Then do them. Not because you're gonna ride or die on this chick, but because it's fun. If she doesn't work out, fuck it, you still had a ball and have a story to tell.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 16

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 4:26:25 AM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: love2cubound

Meet this evening, no chemistry.......

Somehow I'm not surprised.

I'm going to go against the majority and say I think both of you went to this meeting with preconceived notions of what 'should' happen and left little room for what 'could' happen.

She was looking for the perfect porn dom, but I think you might have also had your own expectations of making her 'see the DOM light'.

Meh, just my thoughts. Better luck next time.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 11/8/2010 4:28:21 AM >

(in reply to love2cubound)

Post #: 17

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 4:31:27 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

I agree with Bones...

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 18

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 5:42:05 AM

fellowtraveler

Posts: 26
Joined: 3/11/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

She's looking for a fantasy, someone who she will have perfect chemistry who will abduct her on sight. You don't want to do that because the odds of her regretting it and charging you with kidnapping are too high. So she'll probably consider you 'too wimpy' also. Be grateful for an escape.

If she listens to you, which I doubt she will, then explain to her where the consent portion of this comes in, and how a good dominant doesn't force a sub to do things she isn't ready for, instead inspiring her to expand her boundaries herself.

Suggest she learns a lot more before she dives in and makes mistakes that could be life threatening. Send her here, to fetlife, to read nonfiction books.

But you have to be yourself, you can't remold yourself into someone who matches what she wants on any given day because her wants will change every day.

WOW, this is right on the money. The potential submissive has already told you that she has unrealistic expectations and is always frustrated upon meeting real people (if you read between the lines). Best way to deal with her is to think of it as a teaching session... let her know that dominant men do not have a special aura that makes everyone we come into contact with instantly want to fall to their knees.

She will likely add you to the list of "whimps", but at least you will havve been true to yourself... and to her. Nothing more dominant than that.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: Meeting a new submissive today - 11/8/2010 5:53:20 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

I'm not surprised. A woman whose only experience is online is not gsymmv (generally speaking, your mileage may vary) someone who expects real people with real personalities. They expect a porn Dom. Ah well.

One down, 5bazillion 999milillion 999thousand 999 more to go!

This is actually a very common theme that some Dominant women will talk about when meeting with someone who has gathered all of their ideas from either porn or the internet. Inexperienced men often show up for that first meet expecting the Ice Bitch stereotype that is so common. Then, when they meet a woman who smiles, laughs at jokes, or speaks in a normal way (rather than barking commands like the guy expects) the guy concludes that she's not a "real" Domme.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 20

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