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RE: finding my way back - 11/10/2010 2:07:54 AM

ranja

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RE: finding my way back - 11/10/2010 12:02:48 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

so im asking, all of you people, lovely lovely people, who may have been here before, or are here now, what this process is and how did it turn around for you, if it did.

is it or was it a feeling of loss
acceptance
or something you fought or fight now

im changing again, re-evaluating. i feel a huge loss and i want it back, but i cant seem to get it back. i cant accept that this is it, because im still reasonably young, vibrant and together, i dont want vanilla and i dont want a watered down version of Ms. i want my enthusiasm back, not sure where its gone. i do feel lost without this, like a big part of me has closed down and im finding myself almost inwardly attacking Ms and finding fault in all it is and stands for. challenging it and im not sure itll survive the process.

Greetings lally,

Transition is difficult and we each approach change in our own way. You're seeking a return of what was but perhaps it's time for that to evolve into something greater. I have been down that road a time or two, though I don't discuss it openly and you're always welcome to speak with me privately on the subject. In terms of your question, yes that makes sense because you aren't static and continue to expand through experience and time. Your perspective has grown and the idea of fatigue is real. It can manifest itself as frustration, internal unrest, confusion, or merely a feeling of being lost and not knowing where to go but sensing you need to do something. Many time the solution is the very opposite of what we're attempting. When you feel compelled to do is precisely when you need to take your hands off.

I have privately wrestled with this in the last year. Building and dismantling things and reaching a point where it seemed like I'd found my way. But that's when an obstacle rears its head and you encounter another challenge. Rather than see it from a negative perspective I accept it is something I needed to confront when my plate was no longer overflowing. In the past I fought and was determined that I would go in one direction but I don't have that same oomph so to speak. I suppose it's a place of acceptance that things wax and wane and I can never replicate yesterday.

My interpretation of what M/s involves has taken a hit and I really don't know. Much like you I find myself at a crossroads and what I'm confronting has taken away the naivete. But perhaps that was necessary. I don't know. I'm aware that I have limits that didn't exist a short time ago and I see situations through seasoned eyes. However, that couldn't occur without clarity and a period of introspection that allowed me to come to terms with other ideas/emotions that were standing in the way. The answer isn't simple because I think it is something we must each discover for ourselves. For some it entails fortitude and others change or abandonment.

I advise that you find your quiet place within and listen. The truth is always staring us in the face but we ignore it due to fear or an unwillingness to hear something that may go against what we desire in our mind or heart. I don't believe this means you must sacrifice your wish to have a fulfilling M/s relationship. But perhaps it's time for that idea to transmute into something that holistically aligns with the woman you are and you're becoming in the here and now.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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RE: finding my way back - 11/12/2010 5:24:29 AM

CaringandReal

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This is kind of a sad thread. First of all, I wish you the best, Lally. And you too, Porcelaine, if you are going through something similar.

I have not been through what you are describing in regards to wanting M/s or not, but I've experienced it in other areas of life. The only thing that's worked for me, and it's not really a suggestion because one really has no choice but to do this is living through the time. Getting through it as happily or as sanely as I could. A bad or confusing experience never makes sense at the time, but later, when it's long over and I can examine it more impartially, I learn interesting things from it. I think sometimes that what appear to be philosophical issues or matters strictly to do with your internal soul are often due simply to people not yet having met the right sort of person for them. With someone with so much on the ball as you both have, I believe that it's only a matter of time, probably shorter rather than longer, before you're snatched up in the jaws of something wonderful (and perhaps a little terrible).

I don't know if it helps to know that some random person on a message board thinks you're both going to be very extremely happy in the future and in the situations you think you are removed from at this time, but it's true in my case. Qaulity in individuals wins out, and eventually draws to them that which they need the most. (Unless, of course, your name happens to be Job, and who's to say he didn't personally need a little challenge to keep him on his toes? ;) )

I like you both, you each inspire me in different ways, and I appreciate your sincere posts. One to three years from now, barring accidents and death, I'm firmly convinced both of you will be looking back at this time of your lives and laughing in relief that it's over--or even in disbelief that it could have happened at all. I really don't know if you'll be doing M/s, D/s, S/m, B/d, or any of those combinations, but I do believe you will be much more content.

Regarding health issues: if this is your first experience with them, they can be a bit sobering. Eventually, if they happen enough, you learn to... laugh at them! (And defy them, lol.) But the stress or pain generated by a health issue also profoundly colors one's mood: don't underestimate the effect this may be having on you, Lally.

Finally, when you've be "at [a] game for so long," sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop playing it entirely. Not partially. Cold turkey. For a long time. Six months, if you can swing it, three at minimum. And during that time, not only no personal contacts, but no reading profiles or profile mail, no chatting about it online, no reading message boards or surfing for information about it. No muches, parties, dungeon fetes, all the rest. Not even a "Variations" magazine! (wonders if that is still in print) Total censorship. But allow yourself vanilla, if you find you want it. This is hard to do and may not be practical in your situation, but I've noticed that when you get completely away from something for a good, long time, it becomes fresh and new and special again. You see it with new eyes, and even better, for some strange reason others see you with brand new eyes and all these interesting people pop up out of the woodwork that were not there before.

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RE: finding my way back - 11/12/2010 6:12:19 AM

wandersalone

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FR

I am not in the headspace or emotional space to write a long and thought out response to this thread however let me just say I understand.

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RE: finding my way back - 11/17/2010 1:45:10 AM

ranja

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I just hope that lally (or anybody else feeling a bit down) has stopped over analysing yet and gone dancing instead...
but alas... good advise is usually ignored

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RE: finding my way back - 11/17/2010 6:24:14 AM

dreamerdreaming

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{{BIG HUG}}

Lally,

CHANGE IS GOOD!

So, see it that way.

The times I could have been in the sort of frame of mind you're describing, I never really went there because I didn't over-think it- I just gave myself permission to do what felt right.

The results of me letting myself become more ME - or more my authentic self- with each new day:

1) I've had a few yummy vanilla phases. Vanilla is SWEET when you're doing it right.

2) A few years ago I turned dom. Boy, was that unexpected!

But its fantastic! I LOVE the new me!

So, embrace the new you (whoever you decide that is) with each passing day, and savor the sweetness of the changes that feel natural and right to you!

Final thoughts:

It sounds like you're dealing with some pretty significant injuries, and also it sounds like the crash was scary too- so don't expect too much from yourself right now- and do get any help you may need, to get through the difficulties of this time for you.

Take it easy! This is a time to pamper yourself and be careful so that you heal up well. Remember that YOU are the owner of yourself right now, so:
Be the best, sweetest, most loving and attentive owner to yourself, that you can! Be the kind of owner that you wish for yourself.

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RE: finding my way back - 11/17/2010 1:25:53 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

This is kind of a sad thread. First of all, I wish you the best, Lally. And you too, Porcelaine, if you are going through something similar.

I have not been through what you are describing in regards to wanting M/s or not, but I've experienced it in other areas of life. The only thing that's worked for me, and it's not really a suggestion because one really has no choice but to do this is living through the time. Getting through it as happily or as sanely as I could. A bad or confusing experience never makes sense at the time, but later, when it's long over and I can examine it more impartially, I learn interesting things from it. I think sometimes that what appear to be philosophical issues or matters strictly to do with your internal soul are often due simply to people not yet having met the right sort of person for them. With someone with so much on the ball as you both have, I believe that it's only a matter of time, probably shorter rather than longer, before you're snatched up in the jaws of something wonderful (and perhaps a little terrible).

Greetings CaringandReal,

Thank you for the kind sentiments and well wishes. My situation is a little different from hers and I'm embarking on a different path and a new way of relating that will take some getting used to. The internal civil war that I'm undergoing is necessary. But I'm at the tail end of the transition and I know I'll be okay. I believe there's a time and season for all things. And when we reach a point when we must rest it is wise to listen to the internal promptings of the heart and allow ourselves the restorative time we need to grow and heal.

By the way, I loved the reference to Job. It's very apropos.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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RE: finding my way back - 11/17/2010 2:40:23 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

I just hope that lally (or anybody else feeling a bit down) has stopped over analysing yet and gone dancing instead...
but alas... good advise is usually ignored

Where did you miss the post that she's recovering from a serious car accident? You really think she's physically well enough to do that? Perhaps you ought to reconsider your so-called 'good advice'.

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RE: finding my way back - 11/17/2010 11:58:54 PM

myotherself

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Lally,

I'm going through something similar, so I know how you feel.

I've been meeting people and dating for the past couple of years, and now the inspiration to submit is barely raising its head, never mind bounced out of the closet, grabbed my hand and dragged me along.

I've pretty much given up meeting with guys off here, and in my local bdsm community there's just no-one suitable for me. It's not for lack of enthusiasm and effort and compromise - and now I'm just tired and disillusioned about the whole thing.

So now I'm in the process of making a decision whether to jack this all in and go vanilla. I'm not sure that a non-kink relationship will last long for me, but I guess I have to give it a go.

I don't have any advice to give, all I can do is send you big hugs and hope you find the inspiration you need to allow you to be "you" again

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RE: finding my way back - 11/19/2010 1:26:44 AM

lally2

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group hug:))

- i wish!

im sitting here a little lost for words really - you guys have really been special.

thank you CaringandReal. it is a bit sad - change is never easy. the crash was the catalyst oddly, but ive been feeling jaded for a while, well, no not jaded maybe, more - like the others have said - unable to get enthused or excited. i almost feel as if ive become too strong and too powerful in my own right to be attractive to the opposite elements here. but then a good good friend wrote to me on the other side, someone ive known for years on here who said i needed a spanked arse for wrecking another car, and i just laughed and nodded.

in an odd way it is a game we all play to start with, a hedonistic ramble through our fantasies and needs and when thats satiated maybe thats when we get 'Real' and start needing something real and all the games and hedonism are taken over by this calm knowledge of what and who we are - and then it gets tougher to find the complimentary opposite, maybe because there arent that many out there who have reached this point and stuck in there.

maybe we should stick this out and be what we've grown to be from all of this.

im lucky in that i have my paganism and that is a form of submission to the elements and energies i connect with. last night i knelt in the cold wet grass, bathed in the most amazing moonlight - maybe there was a time when kneeling to the moon and starts would have felt ridiculous, but it felt deeply natural and beautiful to me.

youre right to suggest i pull away from all that is BDSM - in the end it isnt the BDSM that im looking for and it never was. the BDSM is fun but it takes over the mind and body and is often the trade off for that 'real' thing we're now hanging in for.

Stella i remember hit this wall a few months back, i havent seen her around since then - and from this thread i see that im not alone in this dissallusion.

thank you for all the hugs and support and real strength coming from you guys. Ranja i always take advice and i always listen to what people offer and im taking all of this advice and its helping me alot.

so, as you all say, ride the change, ride the curve, sit with it and go with it.

love you xxxx

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RE: finding my way back - 11/19/2010 1:31:59 AM

ranja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Where did you miss the post that she's recovering from a serious car accident? You really think she's physically well enough to do that? Perhaps you ought to reconsider your so-called 'good advice'.

Where i missed it Des??? well somewhere on the first page i suppose... unlike you i do not read every single line of every thread, we can't all be perfect Des... and obvioulsy, since she must have broken 3 legs and her neck in about five places, it might indeed be better advice to go and moan about the hassle of life to some shrink for the next decade or 3.

Lally as soon as you feel fit to sit on a horse again, do go and check out modern jive, even if it is just to watch at first... it really is so much fun and a very social activity, you will meet lots of very nice people

oh and Des wouldn't you consider doing some dancing?... it might actually cheer you up... or would that exactly be the thing that puts you off it?

ETA... i might see you some time on the floor then Lally... i am learning the male lead now aswell... we might have a dance...
all the best

< Message edited by ranja -- 11/19/2010 1:34:45 AM >

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RE: finding my way back - 11/19/2010 1:34:49 AM

lally2

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dreamer - hugs xx

yes i suppose it is, lol

- we cant stay stuck, we have to move on and grow - its just really scary to leave behind something that has been so much part of my life for actually all of my life. finding this ten years ago was so incredibly amazing and wonderful - its a bit of a case of - if i only knew then what i know now - id have leap frogged the frogs - but maybe id still be where i am now, lol, only with fewer crazy memories to keep me ruefully smiling at my crazy days. no, come to think of it, that was part of the journey, im glad i went there.

so change - eek - i have no choice its taken the bit between its mouth and is carting me off - hey ho.

id try being a Domme, but id be pants at it.

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So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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RE: finding my way back - 11/19/2010 1:40:06 AM

lally2

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hugs to Des,:) xx

Ranja, thanks, a friend has invited me to go along to something where the man grabs you and moves youre body how he wants, she says its the hottest fun - so i might give that a wrhirl when im grabbable -

and ill check out ceroc locally, see if theres something around here, probably is.

xx

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So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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RE: finding my way back - 11/19/2010 5:10:21 PM

baddog123

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The thought of a sad lally brings a tears to me 'ol eyes.
For me searching never seems to help, it the unexpected joys you wander into that are the best.
I guess it's best not to labor it than to get caught up in something for the sake of want.
Have faith lal

Mike

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