RE: Why it is always my fault.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Why it is always my fault.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Why it is always my fault.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 4:13:51 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

It's always the Dom's fault for the same reason it is always the officer's fault or the Presidents fault, or the driver's fault.

By taking control, you are claiming competence to handle the situation. If you then find out you can't, then it is your fault for taking control in the first place - for all you knew someone far more competent than you could have handled it.

Yeah, there might not exist any person in the world that could have done better, but that doesn't matter - you took control, you get the blame. This is why Obama gets the blame for a poor economy even though Bush created the problem. Obama said he could fix it and people don't think he has succeeded. Though from what I understand of the economic indicators, in two more years the economy will actually be obviously recovered and Obama is going to get the credit and get re-elected. Honestly he probably doesn't deserve the blame today anymore than he deserves the likely credit he is going to get in 2 years, but that doesn't matter.

You got the control, you get the blame.

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 21

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 4:44:38 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~FR~
I just don't believe everything is always the Dom/me's fault. I believe in this sometimes rare animal called personal responsibility, and that goes for subs/slaves as well as Dominants. If I fuck up somehow, I'm sure not going to blame it on Daddy, and I sure hope He doesn't either.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 22

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 5:27:14 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I don't think I could be with a men who thinks everything is his fault. I'm glad with us that we both take responsibility for our parts of the relationship. When one of us fucks up we both take fault in it and do what needs to be done to fix it. Sometimes neither one of us is to blame and realize that life just happens and you either deal with it or let the wind take it where it may.

I think that's too much burden on a man to take on the faults of the relationship. I want to make his life easier, not harder. By me not being at fault for my own fuck ups I'm basically acting like a spoiled little child imo and neither one of us goes for that.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 23

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 6:41:29 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

It's not exactly that. It's more like:
when I tell someone they are responsible for filling in documents and it goes wrong, it's their fault;
if it turns out they didn't have the relevant knowledge to do so and it goes wrong, it's my fault.

We're talking about fault regarding decisions made not the other person's failure to produce a satisfactory result.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 24

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 5:54:19 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes
We're talking about fault regarding decisions made not the other person's failure to produce a satisfactory result.

I think that's the point, right there.

I'm a "the buck stops here" kind of Dominant, too. I am the one making the decisions and that's exactly why I'm going to look for My responsibility first. If the root cause of whatever isn't right is because of whatever decision I've made, what else am I supposed to be assessing the problem to be? Do I fault him for obeying? No, I'm looking at Me.

This doesn't mean that both parties shouldn't be contributing or accepting their part of whatever is going on. It's not an automatic assumption that when something is wrong, it's the Dominant's fault. Still, it's not a terrible idea to examine the methods being used to see if it's possible that I was the start of the ripple effect.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Post #: 25

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 6:33:08 AM

submitting4U

Posts: 64
Joined: 8/16/2010
Status: offline

True development of the psyche enables us to see both positive and negative components within ourselves and in others as well. When we have a penchant to always take blame or feel bad about ourselves or when we always externalize the problems to others, interpersonal difficulties will ALWAYS arise. We are inherently both good and bad ... as are others and consciously discussing this reality lends itself to better relationships. A D/s relationship can hamper this dynamic in that some doms and or subs are stuck in the "all bad or all good" positions ... where then conflict arises when the alternative realities become obvious. If i always take the blame but realize at some point that You are wrong, negotiating that reality could be quite difficult. As internal pressure builds, the relationship falters.

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 26

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 7:10:55 AM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

The phrase “Pride cometh before the fall” came to mind as I read the op.

The idea implies a lack of respect, to me. He would not be respecting me, if he is taking credit for my actions; he would not be respecting himself, if he is giving me credit for his.

I would see it as disabling, as it would eliminate opportunity for the sub to progress; not the epitome of being responsible.

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 27

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 7:14:36 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiIqyF6RnzU

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 28

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 9:58:18 AM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

That makes a lot of sense to me.

(in reply to submitting4U)

Post #: 29

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 10:02:09 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

I completely understand the OP's point -- not that it is my "fault", but that, because I am the guiding hand in the relationship, by mutual choice, the progress or deterioration of that relationship, along with the need to stay on top of changes so that they don't take the relationship off in an unhealthy direction are, without a doubt, my responsibility.

Yes, it takes two (or more) people to make a relationship... however, in authority-based relationships and hierarchical households (which mine is by preference), the individual who is holding the authority -does- carry the heaviest burden in terms of the responsibility for the success or failure of that relationship. It becomes my responsibility to make sure that steps are taken to resolve conflicts; to assure that the needs of the participants are being met; and that the relationship is progressing in a manner that is healthy -and- productive for the household and for the individual members. If I didn't -want- that responsibility, I wouldn't take a position as Matriarch. If nothing else, it becomes -my- responsibility to recognize when the relationship is no longer healthy and cannot be 'repaired', and do what is necessary to restore balance -- even if that means ending the relationship.

I get it. I really do. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't wear that same set of situational 'shoes', but yeah, this makes perfect sense to me.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 30

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 10:09:40 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

The phrase “Pride cometh before the fall” came to mind as I read the op.

The idea implies a lack of respect, to me. He would not be respecting me, if he is taking credit for my actions; he would not be respecting himself, if he is giving me credit for his.

I would see it as disabling, as it would eliminate opportunity for the sub to progress; not the epitome of being responsible.

Kim

I simply don't understand this perspective at all. If my role, as HoH, is to nurture the household, then it is my responsibility to assure that there ARE opportunities for the submissive individuals (and the dominant ones) to progress. It isn't a matter of me "taking credit" for another person's actions -- it is a matter of acknowledging one's responsibility, as the Matriarch or HoH, to the household and its members, and accepting responsibility for the fact that, if I am not doing my job, the household, as a whole, will suffer.

When one lives within the context of a household, one is NOT an individual. One is part of the larger organism that is that family. Above and beyond anything else, the household becomes an 'entity' of its own, and, to choose one possible analogy, the HoH becomes the central nervous system of that household -- all of the parts will certainly send out their own impulses... but the HoH -must- be both able and willing to assure that those impulses are moved along the appropriate pathways so that productive action results.

It may be possible for individuals within a dyad to maintain high levels of individualism, but the larger the family, the more crucial it is that everyone become part of the collective entity that makes up that family... not just a group of essentially internally-oriented individual people living in the same place -- and that the collective nourish the individual natures of which it is comprised so that the traits that make that person special are nourished so that they, in turn, can nourish the collective entity of the family.

Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 31

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 11:13:44 AM

submissivemale22

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/4/2008
From: CinCity
Status: offline

i literally injured my eye rolling it back so far while reading this initial post. im not even kidding, it kind of hurts.

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 32

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 11:29:09 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

This is just part of my personal dynamic, not something universal in any way, but I thought I'd speak about it. For me part of being a Dominant is that anything that happens in the relationship is my fault. This isn't some sort of guilt complex, I don't beat myself up over it, I just look and see what I could have done differently and what I can do to remedy the situation. Now from an objective standpoint some of the problems that arise might be considered her fault, or nobody's fault at all, but by claiming them as my own I take responsibility for them. With power comes responsibility, and the reverse is also true, part of where my power comes from is from taking responsibility for the wrong as well as the right. Even when I cannot do anything to correct the situation, and cannot really learn to alter my behavior in the future because the situation was unique it still fulfils that part of me that thrives on being in control to choose to consider what went wrong as due to myself rather than anyone else.

I regard myself as being ultimately responsible for how my property carries and behaves herself but "responsible" doesn't equate to fault in a general sense. And if I did feel that way, it'd probably be time to take a holiday....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 33

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 11:33:21 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

This is just part of my personal dynamic, not something universal in any way, but I thought I'd speak about it. For me part of being a Dominant is that anything that happens in the relationship is my fault.

Without any disrespect, and in a sincere spirit of trying to help - is neither sensible, nor healthy.

Your sub gets a speeding ticket - are you going to deduct points from your own license? Or, in the spirit of helping your sub are you going to give her some support in ensuring she/he doesn't drive dangerously again? You can't take responsibility for the ticket, but you can take responsibility for ensuring that ticket number 2 doesn't happen.

And when ticket number two comes along... I'd still challenge you on the "fault" question again. You've done your best to guide and lead your sub, and she's failed.

If you sub is never at "fault" for anything, how is he/she going to grow?

C'mon.

quote:

This isn't some sort of guilt complex, I don't beat myself up over it, I just look and see what I could have done differently and what I can do to remedy the situation.

Hmm... I'm getting "beating yourself up over it vibes" here... that said - I completely agree that when things go wrong it's worth doing a little introspection, sure.

quote:

Now from an objective standpoint some of the problems that arise might be considered her fault, or nobody's fault at all, but by claiming them as my own I take responsibility for them.

You can claim a problem as your own - and take responsibility for its resolution, but it's just absurd to assume the "fault" for the problem in the first place, surely?

quote:

With power comes responsibility, and the reverse is also true, part of where my power comes from is from taking responsibility for the wrong as well as the right.

I'm guessing that most responsible dominant partners would agree more or less with this.

quote:

Even when I cannot do anything to correct the situation, and cannot really learn to alter my behavior in the future because the situation was unique it still fulfils that part of me that thrives on being in control to choose to consider what went wrong as due to myself rather than anyone else.

That's just absurd, and if this is something you dwell on at all, I'd consider therapy.

As others have said - a relationship is built on two sets of needs, wants, values and depends on some sharing of responsibilities. I guess there are subs out there that would like a dom to shoulder "all" responsibility for "everything" - But I'm not fucking likely to be interested in that type of relationship personally.

I'm responding so strongly, because I've had a bad experience in the past over this "responsibility thing"

I used to be a regular in a UK chatroom - Females that like to be dominated. One time, I got a ton of PM's from people telling me that SubX had been telling everyone that I was a journalist and that I was going to write an expose on the members of the group. Fortunately, there were enough other regs who knew me personally to quash the rumour.

When I contacted her to ask her why she'd done it, her response was "Talk to my Dom, he's responsible for my actions" - What a pile of arse that was.

We take responsibility for the things we can control, govern, manage, it's foolishness assume responsibility for the things we cannot change.

The serenity prayer comes to mind:

quote:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 34

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 12:31:57 PM

Minotauros

Posts: 45
Joined: 11/1/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I regard myself as being ultimately responsible for how my property carries and behaves herself but "responsible" doesn't equate to fault in a general sense. And if I did feel that way, it'd probably be time to take a holiday....

Focus.

I totally agree with that. There is a big difference between responsibility and fault.
Is it a dive instructors fault if someone panics while under water and gets hurt or killed? No, but it is his responsibility to make sure that the chance of this to happen is a slim as possible.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 35

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 12:34:42 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes
We're talking about fault regarding decisions made not the other person's failure to produce a satisfactory result.

I think that's the point, right there.

I'm a "the buck stops here" kind of Dominant, too. I am the one making the decisions and that's exactly why I'm going to look for My responsibility first. If the root cause of whatever isn't right is because of whatever decision I've made, what else am I supposed to be assessing the problem to be? Do I fault him for obeying? No, I'm looking at Me.

This doesn't mean that both parties shouldn't be contributing or accepting their part of whatever is going on. It's not an automatic assumption that when something is wrong, it's the Dominant's fault. Still, it's not a terrible idea to examine the methods being used to see if it's possible that I was the start of the ripple effect.

I like being in control. I like having the responsibility. I am a big believer in personal responsibility as a human and dominant responsibility as a dominant. I have created problems by not listening to the input that was given or, sometimes, just choosing a wrong course...and that wrong course has been following her input and it has been following My choice. In those cases, it was My fault as I had been given the responsibility to make choices. If I want the buck, then I take on the work of earning the buck.

That said...I also believe in the personal responsibility of the submissive. Not just in the areas in which she has not relinquished control but also over those areas where she has relinquished control and yet, failed to obey or chose her own terms or ways of obedience which resulted in a failure to accomplish the task in a way that was pleasing and beneficial to me, to her submission, to the dynamic.

I deal with adults. As nv noted, both parties should own their own in a relationship because it takes two to make it work. Owning what you are responsible for is one thing I admire in a dominant and a submissive but only when it is done properly. I've read too many instances on here where a dominant...wrongly...blamed his submissive for what was clearly his fault once the situation and his level of responsibility in the dynamic were described. BUT...I've also read too many instances in which a submissive did not communicate clearly or thought she knew a better way to handle something in which she had been instructed entirely differently or just failed to do it for her own reasons that did not fit within the dynamic she'd agreed to.

Mistakes made for good and/or normal and/or " my human nature" reasons are one thing...own up and take your responsibilty, as either a dominant or submissive. Mistakes made because you are not living up to what you agreed to and then laying it off on the dominant OR the submissive is not responsible...it is manipulating the dynamic.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 36

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 3:17:22 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

To some degree I actually agree with the OP. Not completely, but if you are going to take the kudos when your girl does well, you have to take the lumps when she messes up.

For example, you know your girl is an introvert, and she needs time alone. You require her to be around people more and more and more even though she reminds you she needs a little time alone to recharge. You tell her no, she needs to continue in this vein indefinitely. She did what she had agreed to do - followed your instructions. She told you she needed some time alone, you refused to allow her that. She pleaded and started hiding in the bathroom for 5 then 10 then 15 minutes at a time just to put a band-aid on the problem, and you didn't even notice. She gets withdrawn at these events you require her to go to, and you tell her she needs to be more sociable, and she responds with,"I'm trying, but it's overwhelming me." and you tell her to snap out of it.

Finally she leaves for a few day before she really snaps because she needs to recharge her battery.

Yeah, it's your damn fault. I've seen this happen more than once.

If she hadn't left to take care of herself when clearly her needs (not wants - actual needs) were being ignored, that's her fault. I've seen a girl punished for falling asleep during the day because she wasn't permitted more than 5 hours sleep at night. Yeah, you bet that's your fault.

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 37

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/9/2010 9:33:34 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

~Grins~

Heck, what's the point in having a slave if ya don't have someone to blame

"The maid did it....in the library with a candlestick..."

All seriousness now, it's a fine thing to take responsibility where it belongs, and certainly healthy to analyze situations and look for areas where improvement could be found, but there's a fine line between being reasonable and accepting fault where it doesn't lie.
That's not domination, that's an ego out of whack.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 38

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/10/2010 12:09:54 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

Were you by chance raised Catholic, OP?

I share your perspective in this. But less because I'm a 'dominant', and more because I'm just so much more damned aware than most people that I instinctively assume I could have headed things off if I'd been paying just a little more attention.

And like a lot of people have said, that's totally egotistical. It may be true, but it is serious fuckin' head-trip time. Like... beyond the fucking pale with the self-importance, here... so far beyond the pale that shit flipped around and got colorful again, left the pale gasping in exertion. It even made this lame-ass metaphor colorful in passing, that's how far beyond the pale my ego is.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 39

RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/10/2010 1:50:14 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

i think its a control thing and has also to do with being a bit lazy really...
If it is my fault, i can own up to it and correct it and i can cope with my own feeling of failing
if it is someone else's fault... first there is the problem that they might not own up to it... then they might not feel capable or willing to correct it and lastly they might be so down about their own failing that it takes a lot of loving to get them cheerful again
Altogether it is much easier for things to be my fault... and i am submissive...often it is a lot of tricky work to deal with other peoples faults

i also sometimes lose games on purpose so my opponent feels very happy and i will ride their victory on the sly, for a good mood and easy fun, i trick them... and if they find out i own up and say sorry and suggest a rematch

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Why it is always my fault.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094