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RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 7:55:41 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

One of the first orders he gave me was to say no when necessary. And explain it to him.


I like that and I'm going to steal that in my relationships.

And claim that it was my idea too. 


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 9:29:09 AM   
81song


Posts: 293
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline 		I would have to agree with many here and that is you have the right to say no or stop but yes it does have a few  flags. I would say you might want to read u on the many books out there on D/s.
Its funny but the one thing at least I have learned so far is you do a lot of reading and then some, read what others have to say about D/s and trying to find a Dom or a Domme can take some time but along the way you might meet some like minded friends.

(in reply to Inthewoods)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 9:58:44 AM   
happyhat


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/21/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you for the sound advice.   I would have to say i agree 100% with your comment 'I believe it is about drawing one to want to submit to me, not forcing them to.'
holly

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 10:04:21 AM   
happyhat


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/21/2010
Status: offline 		Sunshine,
I had no idea that one could offer to take part in things like that... I was under the impression that you had to find a Dom/Master to teach you... Thank you for the insight. I most definitely will be taking your advice and see what happens.
Thank you!

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 12:46:07 PM   
WolfyMontgomery


Posts: 234
Joined: 9/28/2010
Status: offline 		You'll find a bounty of knowledge in ANYONE from the kinky side of things. Not just Doms/Masters. I hope your Dom-type person wasn't the one who told you that... was he? If he was, can you kick him in the nads for me? I think he needs a wake-up call.

In fact, a lot of people will probably tell you that you should look for a submissive mentor, to help you understand the feelings and emotions you're experiencing during your forays into the lifestyle. It is a pretty common thing that Doms know how to be Doms, and subs know how to be subs, and not often is that interchangeable, except with switches and the more experienced sorts.
It's sorta like how guys know how guys think and girls know how girls think, but you have a guy trying to describe how a girl's thinking and a good portion of the time he's gonna be way off the mark, or not as in depth as you want to learn in.
And of course, you know how YOU think better than anyone else can. Keep that in mind when you're learning from anybody.


_____________________________

~Eleven

-A Wolf of a Different Color

Fear me and my Gleaming Metal Chompers of DOOM!
..........that means my braces. >_>

(in reply to happyhat)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 1:44:06 PM   
happyhat


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/21/2010
Status: offline 		Hi again!

If you are asking if my Dom was the one who said that NO is out of the question, then the answer is yes.  lol   I suppose I should have given a little more background info when I first posted this... he and i talked online for about a week or so prior to meeting. Then our first meeting was very casual and nice. After that he started being my Dom, per se, and during our conversations he made that comment. Then on our second meeting i was to be his "slave" and act accordingly... but it was so awkward for me that i was unable to address him properly, etc. and he let it go... saying that he figured that he would have to adjust some of the rules for me. Again, nothing much happened that meeting either (he spanked my ass and roughly pinched my breasts). The reason i posted these questions now is because the next meeting we are supposed to have is my "first torture session" as he calls it and so now the idea of not having a "safe word" is starting to scare me a bit. Part of me feels that he just likes screwing with my mind, that this is just part of the game, if you will. But, how the heck am i supposed to know for sure? I will tell you all this, i have never met him with out my best friend knowing exactly where i am and about what time i should be done... as a safety net.

Anyway, i am supposed to meet him tomorrow for this "session" and i am both excited and afraid, but isn't that also somewhat normal?

(in reply to WolfyMontgomery)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 2:21:44 PM   
hisbadkitty


Posts: 17
Joined: 11/6/2010
Status: offline 		Excitement and fear may seem similar but are not the same emotion. 

I get the feeling from your last post that you have a big lack of trust and... trust is key.  For me, I see myself as handing over my emotions, mind and body and that is not a responsibility that I would want any Master to take lightly or without knowledge of how to care for their slave properly.

_____________________________

“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires.
Seek discipline and find your liberty.”
~Frank Herbert

*Delightfully in training*

(in reply to happyhat)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 2:49:18 PM   
WolfyMontgomery


Posts: 234
Joined: 9/28/2010
Status: offline 		Woah. He wants to have a "torture session" with you for the first time, without safewords?!

If he doesn't know you well enough to know when you're being overwhelmed or hurt, there needs to be some form of safety word in place so that he can make sure he doesn't do serious harm to any part of your body, or worse, your mind.

Even people who like screwing with other peoples' minds have the sense to be open and honest when it is needed. Before that session starts, you need to have a serious discussion with him to figure out what is in place to keep you from being hurt mentally or physically. There are SO many things that can go wrong in a session, from a rope being too tight or damaging a muscle because it's tightened on you wrong, or a missed whack with a crop or cane that hits the tailbone or some part of your body that shouldn't be hit, to you having a panic attack or hyperventilating. If he doesn't know you well enough to know when your limits are being reached then you NEED to have some form of safeword in place.
And he CAN'T know you that well, because YOU'VE stated yourself that you're still learning, so you can't possibly know every single one of your limits either. And you need to TRUST him that he will respect those safewords (whether it be "blue jello" or something weird or just plain old fashioned "NO") so that in a situation where you would need to say it, he would take it seriously and not say, "slaves aren't allowed to say no" and keep going, because that would be seriously wrong.

Friend or no friend, her knowing where you are won't help you if he's just going to mind-fuck you and leave you high and dry. Unless she's a psychologist or a counselor or something there's not much she can do when you're coming back a broken woman. This isn't a matter of him raping and killing you or anything, this is a matter of health and safety - mistakes get made, you need to have things in place to reassure safety when you play with a person you don't know very well.

Excitement, and even a little bit of fear is normal and sometimes fun emotions, but you also gotta really think about where those emotions are coming from. If you're afraid in the happy way or in the "oh fuck what am I getting into" way. Seriously though, talk to him, make sure he has precautions to keep you safe and sane and within YOUR limits, not just his.

And no, I was wondering if he was the one who said that you could only learn from Doms and Masters.


_____________________________

~Eleven

-A Wolf of a Different Color

Fear me and my Gleaming Metal Chompers of DOOM!
..........that means my braces. >_>

(in reply to happyhat)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 3:21:53 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I am owned.
Some people have safe words and some people don't.
My Master will not play with out them.

You are brand new.
I know that this is exciting.

If you say no, and walk away there will be another Dom to teach you, if you want to go that route.

At the moment from my perspective it looks like he wants to teach you how to skydive while assuring you it's not only safe, but normal to leave the parachute on the ground... not even have it in the plane so you won't be tempted to use it.

However, if this is what you really want, if all the red lights are flashing and the flags are up and your common sense is telling you what ever it is telling you, and you want this anyway, I hope it works out.


I am putting a link in your box.

edit: spelling and to add the however.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 11/9/2010 3:25:24 PM >

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to WolfyMontgomery)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 4:17:41 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		Has this guy told you he's a sadist? This may sound like a silly question, but for someone who hasn't really played then it's an important question, and one you need an honest answer to. "Torture session" and not allowing you a safe word is not right unless it's someone you have been with for a long time and there's implicit trust built up.

This guy is just setting off red flags with a lot of us. And your friend knowing where you are and when your supposed to be home? How is that going to help if you're unable to contact her for whatever reason? This just doesn't sound right. I don't care what he says. This from someone who's been taken past agreed limits AFTER using a safeword and having it ignored. Never met him again, doesn't matter what nic he shows up under, I still know it's him and I block everyone of his messages to me.

You don't want to become another statistic of mental health abuse or physical abuse. Please, please thing this over. And don't let him talk you into it if you back out before meeting him, he'll try everything to persude you, from the rational to the irrational.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".


(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 7:32:11 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Safe calls are useless. By the time your friend will know you need help something has already happened to you. There isn't much your friend can do if you are bound somewhere and hurting except get you a tissue while you cry and tell her about it. I don't think you should go to this 'torture' meeting. You say you are feeling wary and that you are uncomfortable being without a safe word - which is only good btw if he decides to honor it. There's not a damn thing you can do if he doesn't outside of prosecting him, which again is after the fact. At this point he may say that you can have a safe word because he's picked up on the fact that you seem to want one and he wants to play with you, but again, how do you know he'll honor it? I would not put myself in a compromising position with this man seeing how cavalier he has been with your safety.

There is something tipping you off to being uncomfortable, listen to your gut and protect yourself. This guy's approach just sounds off and many people here who know a heck of a lot more than I do have called him on it. Try and educate yourself please and you'll not be easy prey for those who are looking for that. Hanging out here in the forums is a good place to start, read things, go to a munch and meet people. There are a lot of men out there, you can definitely find one who makes you feel safe instead of worried.

Edited to add...I have seen postings from women like poohbear who were violated as to their hard limits and whose safe words were not heeded. It is not easy for them to shrug something like that off and it leaves emotional scars. Please reconsider this meeting where he's been upfront about saying he will torture you.

< Message edited by lizi -- 11/9/2010 7:37:46 PM >

(in reply to happyhat)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 7:36:55 PM   
hisbadkitty


Posts: 17
Joined: 11/6/2010
Status: offline 		I regretting not listening to my first instincts in the past in a vanilla relationship...

_____________________________

“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires.
Seek discipline and find your liberty.”
~Frank Herbert

*Delightfully in training*

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 8:38:24 PM   
dory007


Posts: 40
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline 		after 1 date you are his slave????? that is totally crazy. you do not know this man. How in the world can you just up and submit to him? i mean really he sounds more like he wants a bootie call than a relationship. would you marry a man on the second date? getting a collar and becoming a slave is much the same type of commitment as marriage. please think about this and slow down. 

(in reply to happyhat)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 8:41:55 PM   
dory007


Posts: 40
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline 		oh and if you do decide to play with this guy - i sure hope you don't - make sure you play in a public dungeon or with a friend there and have and use a safe word. no safe word - no play, no one there to help you to back up the safe word, no play. safety is your responsibility. dead (or worse) does happen. 

(in reply to dory007)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/9/2010 8:47:58 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dory007

after 1 date you are his slave????? that is totally crazy. you do not know this man. How in the world can you just up and submit to him? i mean really he sounds more like he wants a bootie call than a relationship. would you marry a man on the second date? getting a collar and becoming a slave is much the same type of commitment as marriage. please think about this and slow down. 


Agreed.

The first meeting sounded fine.

The second meeting - play is okay, but slavery is a VERY serious thing.  Almost all the time, a slave begins as a submissive and over the next few months/years feels comfortable enough to be a slave. You should NOT become a slave without fully understanding what you are signing up for.

Either the guy has no clue what the hell he's doing, or he's manipulating you unfairly.  Either way, I'd recommend booting him to the curb.

Just for fun, ask him to take you to the local BDSM club.  See what lame excuse he comes up with.  The reason is that he's blackened his reputation there for life, and is terrified to show his face there.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to dory007)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 2:45:11 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		well i cant say no but i can explain why i dont want somthing to happen or to do somthing. and mostly then we wont do it but he jsut wants teh real reasons why i said no so he can then help me though it or never suggest that again. this is diferent to a safe word which is written in stone the minute i use it then it stops no question no punishment nothing we will then discuss what happened so it doenst occur again. so it depnds on what you are sayign no to

(in reply to Inthewoods)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 6:04:04 AM   
happyhat


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: dory007

Just for fun, ask him to take you to the local BDSM club.  See what lame excuse he comes up with.  The reason is that he's blackened his reputation there for life, and is terrified to show his face there.

Its funny that you mention that because I mentioned our local club to him because I wanted to go to this Kink Karnival thing it was having and he said NO, and when I asked him if he had something against the club and he DID give me a bunch of pretty weak reasons for not liking it. "doesn't like public play"... "doesn't feel like he has to dress up to live this life" etc...   Yet another bad sign, huh?   lol

After reading all the responses to my posting i am feeling like a complete idiot for letting this go down the way it has...but is reading a book really going to tell me what normal Dom/Master protocol should be? I mean I hear a lot about what a sub/slave is expected to do or not do... but is there really a book out there that can tell me what a D/M is supposed to do or not do?  I have already had 50 different types of experiences with different "Doms" on this site... everything from "hi" to right out of the gate telling me what to do... to "establish our roles"... I can tell you all that it is more than just a little frustrating...   :-(

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 6:21:28 AM   
SpaceSpank


Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline 		You can be against public play and dressing up and still attend events. They sound like lame excuses, anyone worth their time should know that asking someone to make a jump like that so soon is not wise. Would you marry someone after a first date? I'd say probably not, so why would you allow yourself to be a slave?

I'm a Master who wants a live in slave as well... but after 1 date? Please. What if you two are a horrible match? From his point, what if you just grabbed all his stuff the minute he left the house and vanished? From your point, what if he's a serial killer/rapist or just an all around crappy person (not even getting into being a crappy Master). One date is just asking for trouble.

If he's pushing the issue as opposed to just bringing it up for discussion he's looking to get some quick and dirty sex or worse.

If you really want to continue with him, then ask him to slow it down. If he can't accept and respect a slower pace as a trade off for a comfortable and willing slave, then he's not worth your time.


(in reply to happyhat)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 7:09:48 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happyhat
After reading all the responses to my posting i am feeling like a complete idiot for letting this go down the way it has...but is reading a book really going to tell me what normal Dom/Master protocol should be? I mean I hear a lot about what a sub/slave is expected to do or not do... but is there really a book out there that can tell me what a D/M is supposed to do or not do?  I have already had 50 different types of experiences with different "Doms" on this site... everything from "hi" to right out of the gate telling me what to do... to "establish our roles"... I can tell you all that it is more than just a little frustrating...   :-(


You should not formulate your actions based on what you may read in a book, or from some strangers
email to you. Protocol is a desired interaction between two consenting adults, and usually something that is
built upon as the relationship grows. I'd suggest reading the books or the many online articles and focussing
on the warning signals first. Most importantly, being involved in this lifestyle doesn't mean you throw your
common sense out the window. Many men will throw a title on themselves in order to gain quick access
to some kinky fun. Trust your instincts, and don't ever feel rushed or obligated to anyone but yourself.

< Message edited by poise -- 11/10/2010 7:10:45 AM >

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to happyhat)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 7:10:49 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happyhat
tell me what normal Dom/Master protocol should be? I mean I hear a lot about what a sub/slave is expected to do or not do... but is there really a book out there that can tell me what a D/M is supposed to do or not do? I have already had 50 different types of experiences with different "Doms" on this site... everything from "hi" to right out of the gate telling me what to do... to "establish our roles"... I can tell you all that it is more than just a little frustrating...   :-(

There really is no "normal". Just do what you're comfortable with. Don't let someone rope you into something you're not comfortable by telling you that there is some protocol or that you're "not a real submissive".

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate someone that I don't belong to, haven't met, and don't even know if I like yet telling me what to do right out of the gate.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to happyhat)
Profile   Post #: 40
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