RE: new to being a sub and have questions....

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: new to being a sub and have questions....

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: new to being a sub and have questions....

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 7:11:03 AM

dory007

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline

there are many good books out there.
SM 101.
The Loving Dominant,
screw the Roses, send me the thorns,
anything by Jack Rinella,
also go to www.leathernroses.com for good articles

(in reply to SpaceSpank)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 7:14:20 AM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happyhat
It's funny that you mention that because I mentioned our local club to him because I wanted to go to this Kink Karnival thing it was having and he said NO, and when I asked him if he had something against the club and he DID give me a bunch of pretty weak reasons for not liking it. "doesn't like public play"... "doesn't feel like he has to dress up to live this life" etc... Yet another bad sign, huh? lol

After reading all the responses to my posting i am feeling like a complete idiot for letting this go down the way it has...but is reading a book really going to tell me what normal Dom/Master protocol should be? I mean I hear a lot about what a sub/slave is expected to do or not do... but is there really a book out there that can tell me what a D/M is supposed to do or not do? I have already had 50 different types of experiences with different "Doms" on this site... everything from "hi" to right out of the gate telling me what to do... to "establish our roles"... I can tell you all that it is more than just a little frustrating... :-(

Don't ever feel foolish or put yourself down in anyway, you're new to this, and you are being bombarded by Doms who can be the good, the bad, the ugly, and the o so much worse.

Reading books won't give you all the answers you're looking for, neither will the forums. It comes from your gut knowledge of what feels right or wrong. It comes from learning as much as you can from the submissives on the boards, going to local munches, meeting real life people who live this every day and know what's going on. It's a way to make friends, to make connections, to ask questions you have.

If you need to talk, I'm sure any of us here who've posted would be more than pleased to answer any questions you have. Help you sort through how you're feeling, and what you should be looking for. Anytime you want, please don't hesitate to contact me, I'll always reply to your cmails and will do so honestly and without any judgement. You're new, give yourself a break.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to happyhat)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 7:23:54 AM

dory007

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline

oh yeah, totally agree with POOBEAR. don't get down on yourself. It is hard to navigate the lifestyle as newbie and we have all made mistakes along the way. in my early days of sub frenzy i did everything wrong.

What about going out to munches and the local dungeon yourself and meeting people and talking with them? Ask those who run the local club who might be a good person (sub) to help mentor you and guide you. As others have said, someone not being involved in the local scene, especially when there is a large active scene, is a big red flag because it usually means they are not welcome.

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 8:03:23 AM

happyhat

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/21/2010
Status: offline

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind as to take the time to help me out with this... altho a simple "thank you" hardly seems adequate. I will do my best to use the information provided and will continue to use the forums as a sounding board since it has been so invaluable this time around... again, thank you all... :-)

(in reply to dory007)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 6:11:23 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happyhat

After reading all the responses to my posting i am feeling like a complete idiot for letting this go down the way it has...but is reading a book really going to tell me what normal Dom/Master protocol should be? I mean I hear a lot about what a sub/slave is expected to do or not do... but is there really a book out there that can tell me what a D/M is supposed to do or not do? I have already had 50 different types of experiences with different "Doms" on this site... everything from "hi" to right out of the gate telling me what to do... to "establish our roles"... I can tell you all that it is more than just a little frustrating... :-(

Okay. Quit focusing on the D/s stuff. Focus on the vanilla stuff.

On the first meet, it should be largely vanilla anyway. Just chatting and seeing if you like his style and he likes yours. If he wants to test your submissiveness, he might do something like ask you to get him a glass of water, or tell you that he'll be ordering for you. He might tell you what to wear - if he tells you to wear a feminine skirt with a blouse, okay. If he tells you to wear no panties, he's a wanker. On that first meet, you should be asking yourself "Can I picture myself submitting to this man? Does he value himself? Is he intelligent?"

Here are some of the rules I enforce on submissives:
1. Show courtesy and manners. If given something, say "Thank you."
2. Keep communication going. I expect a minimum of three contacts per week - phone calls, texts, emails, or face to face meetings.
3. Show class.

It really is NOT as complicated as you're making it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to happyhat)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/10/2010 9:52:13 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Happyhat:

I don't even know where to start with this. I generally detest the knee-jerk dom bashing that is a staple here at collarme. That being said, he told you that if you could say no then why would you obey?

....
*blinks*
.....
*blinks again just to make sure*
....

OK, I could give about 6 thousand answers to his question and not a single one of those answers reflect well on him. That being said, it seems to me that your gut instincts are working just fine here. My big advice to you is to listen to them both with this guy and future ones.

For the record, Carol is fully aware that she can say "no" whenever she wants. What stops her from doing that is.... drum roll... she likes to please me. Go figure.

Happy, just like everything else in life there are a bajillion ways to learn about BDSM. You can "get a trainer" sure. That, I suspect, is probably the least effective method of all. Honestly, as a sub, I'd be wanting to talk to more experienced subs and slaves. Then, of course, there are books, internet discussion forums such as this, various other websites, events, classes, gatherings, munches, etc. etc. NONE of those way is ever going to tell you what the norm is for any sort of relationship type.

There ya go.... I'm your trainer now too. I've told you the only rule I'm personally aware of:

there are no rules... there are no standards... there are no norms. Do you REALLY expect to find a lot of commonality in between two vanilla marriages? I don't. I can tell you that there's a fair number of folks on these boards whom I respect. My relationship and the norms within it look NOTHING like any of theirs and these are the people I respect and identify with.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 11/10/2010 10:02:45 PM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to happyhat)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/11/2010 11:07:02 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

You barely know the guy.............

Bearing that in mind, you can CHOOSE to go for a *torture session* with no real idea of what that might entail.....

..OR you can CHOOSE to opt to decline due to the fact that you'd rather have a clue what you might be letting yourself in for.

Either option is open to you..neither is wrong. Which do you feel more comfortable with?....NOT *which would HE feel more comfortable with*..lol

Just as an aside.......I'd be far less likely to care about whether I had a safeword or not, than I would be about the fact that I knew barely anything about someone that I was thinking about giving carte-blanche to.

Basically a safeword only holds water if you know the person that's meant to be taking notice of it.....OR you're in a public situation where other people can step in if need be.

Just try slowing up........people calling themselves *doms* are just people calling themselves *doms*. Someone YOU might consider a *dom* will very likely alter with some experience and time.....and there's plenty of time.

agirl

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/11/2010 5:58:42 PM

TomcatLXVI

Posts: 8
Joined: 11/8/2010
Status: offline

It's my opinion that a Dom who thinks that way is the kind of Dom you want to avoid unless you're dead sure that you want to wind up dissolving in a barrel of acid somewhere. No judgments, it takes all kinds, but the kind of attitude you described sounds to me like the attitude of someone who doesn't realize or doesn't care that the whole BDSM thing is as much about your pleasure as it is about his, maybe more so. Your submission is a precious gift you give and the sexy sexy pleasure you receive derives from exploring your limits and pressing around the edges, not having him charge on through them like Juggernaut on a bender. Safewords are like seat belts. We put up with them, respect them, and use them not just for the sub's protection, but also for the Dom's.

(in reply to Inthewoods)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/11/2010 6:00:14 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I like that and I'm going to steal that in my relationships.

And claim that it was my idea too.

Typical, you'll probably steal all my cookies too!

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/11/2010 7:22:16 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Mmmmffmmmmmff....

What cookies?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/11/2010 7:49:17 PM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

Big red flag to me. He knows you are new. He should be bending over backwards to make you feel comfortable.

Instead, he is trying to manipulate your submissive tendencies.

I have had the very good fortune to be with more than one male I could not say no to. In no circumstances was it b/c I was forced into that. On the contrary, I was slowly led into that by a person who could prove he could be trusted.

And, you know, your feelings are your feelings. If you cannot trust absolutely, it is not YOUR fault. You will trust absolutely when you know you can, and until then, it's a no go...and that is on HIM. A good dom knows this.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to Inthewoods)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/12/2010 4:18:10 PM

happyhat

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/21/2010
Status: offline

Just an update for you all... I asked him to please do without the restraints because I was scared and he basically tried to guilt trip me into begging him to do it!! I told him since he wasn't willing to understand my fear and slow things down I would not be able to see him anymore. His only response was "I understand. Sorry it didn't work out" So, all is well. I will slow down and take my time. Thanks everyone!

(in reply to daintydimples)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/12/2010 6:56:44 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Well, I'm really glad you stood your ground, that you're ok and in one piece. I think it's also telling that he didn't seem to want to do things differently to accomodate your request. There are lots of guys out there, I really think you'll find someone who values wanting you to be be comfortable and who wants you to submit to him out of respect and trust...not fear. It's nice hearing how things worked out, thanks for coming back...

(in reply to happyhat)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/13/2010 5:58:34 AM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

Thanks for the update. It's nice to know that you told him you weren't comfortable. His loss at not realizing that manipulation wasn't going to work with you. May you find the right Dom for you, a man who is willing to earn your trust while he earns yours also. It's always a two-way street. Never forget that.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to lizi)

Profile

Post #: 54

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/13/2010 6:02:15 AM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

The only thing good about this is when he asks you if he is being an asshole you won't have to lie you can say Yes Master.

(in reply to Lockit)

Profile

Post #: 55

RE: new to being a sub and have questions.... - 11/13/2010 8:52:10 AM

dory007

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline

quote:

Just an update for you all... I asked him to please do without the restraints because I was scared and he basically tried to guilt trip me into begging him to do it!! I told him since he wasn't willing to understand my fear and slow things down I would not be able to see him anymore. His only response was "I understand. Sorry it didn't work out" So, all is well. I will slow down and take my time. Thanks everyone!

YAY for you. as you can see he really wasn't interested in you as a person. keep looking. there are good Doms out there. you just have to wade through the trash to find them.

(in reply to happyhat)

Profile

Post #: 56