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Letting Go - 11/10/2010 8:36:11 PM   
ezanac


Posts: 35
Joined: 10/29/2010
Status: offline 		Okay, so this is my first serious posty...

How does one 'let go,'  and feel instead of having the mind take over.

I have a good Dom, He is wonderful, and I want to submit fully, but goodness, it is like a firewall comes up and blocks everything to do with submitting - I seem to go on red alert, and my mind takes over and heads  to the 'what if' categories. 

Any suggestions would be helpful... thnx


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Ezanac
~I'm a sunshine and rainbows kinda girl, with a kinky side thrown in just for fun! :)
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RE: Letting Go - 11/10/2010 9:07:32 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Find someone you can trust.

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RE: Letting Go - 11/10/2010 10:24:59 PM   
ezanac


Posts: 35
Joined: 10/29/2010
Status: offline 		 @Twoshoes -Thanks for  your suggestion ~ but still staying faithful to my Dom


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Ezanac
~I'm a sunshine and rainbows kinda girl, with a kinky side thrown in just for fun! :)

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 12:01:57 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		agree with twoshoes wehn you can trust it will happen

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 12:29:08 AM   
WolfyMontgomery


Posts: 234
Joined: 9/28/2010
Status: offline 		One good idea is to really think about what is holding you back. Is it trust? Perhaps you're fearing something to do with yourself more than him.

Also, what do you mean exactly by "letting go"?

In what I think you mean, I had the same problem first starting out. I couldn't get into the groove of things when playing, couldn't let myself really let myself submit to him without having second and even third thoughts on things. Being afraid to voice my wants and needs to him and so on so forth, constant hesitation. This wasn't an issue of trusting him though, it was an issue of trusting myself, fearing what might happen if I let control of myself go rather than what would happen if I gave that control to another person.

So it might not be an issue of trust at all, or it is, but rather than finding that trust in another person, you might just need to learn to trust yourself. After all, people always say you must trust yourself before trusting another.

I don't really know exactly *how* one learns to trust themselves, other than it takes time, patience, and respect for yourself. And believe you me, it can take a looong time to get there, I'm STILL working on these issues myself. Maybe talk to your Dom about it, he might be able to offer some help. Even if it's just to offer his support and help boost your confidence in yourself.


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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 1:57:44 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		yes it has to do with trust, in yourself too... and not going too far too fast.
if you trust him and if you understand that he might make a mistake
but that he won't do naf things on purpose
and if you are open and honest in giving him all the info he needs to treat you good or bad as you please
then it becomes much easier to relax and go with the flow

also it might help if you two decide on a scenario so you know what is coming
or maybe it would help if you were blind folded

still ultimately you have the power of your own mind... you can let go, or stay incontrol... if your desire is to submit and you want to get off... you have to find a way to give him the power and for you to let go.
good luck

< Message edited by ranja -- 11/11/2010 1:59:56 AM >

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 4:55:20 AM   
Solslave


Posts: 9
Status: offline 		A good Dom can help you through this.
I do believe like everyone has said it's a matter of trusting the person, your surroundings, as well as yourself.

We hear the phrase "just let go" so often in life and we forget to let go of anything means we lose control over it. Even if we merely had the perception of control to begin with.

Explore within yourself what is is you are what iffing about. Find out why you need to control the situation. Maybe submission in this case isn't what you should be doing. Perhaps submission in general is a loss if control for you and you find youare a command submissive needing to control the scenes.

Whatever you find I wish you best.

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 5:04:30 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		I was where you are with the red alert thing... and i lost.

You require more than just trust in him, you require it in yourself as well.

The absolute worse that can happen if you dont "let go" is what?

Take that answer and imagine your life then.

The answer should be easy.

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 5:16:11 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ezanac

Okay, so this is my first serious posty...

How does one 'let go,'  and feel instead of having the mind take over.

I have a good Dom, He is wonderful, and I want to submit fully, but goodness, it is like a firewall comes up and blocks everything to do with submitting - I seem to go on red alert, and my mind takes over and heads  to the 'what if' categories. 

Any suggestions would be helpful... thnx



There is no one formula, no instant button for letting go.

For some people it is more specific to a type of activity that gets their brains to shut down like bondage or sensory deprivation.
For others it is lot of different sensation.

For other people, letting go is specific to the person. It was that way for me, but it took time.

I think even though it's hard, letting go of the idea of letting go helps.
Stop thinking about what your doing wrong and forget about outcomes and trying to make it happen.
Just be with him.
Let him lead you.
When those what if thoughts occur, don't judge yourself for having them, but instead, focus on trust (saying it in your head) and return to the present: what you are experiencing with him.

It is a journey.

edit: typo

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 11/11/2010 5:17:02 AM >

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 5:32:19 AM   
allnewtome


Posts: 73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Status: offline 		You need to relax and trust both yourself and your Dom. Know that no matter what happens you can always use your safeword. You need to trust yourself, to use it and your Dom, to honour it. Once you have that then you will hopefully find it easier to relax and let go. Don't rush yourself. The more pressure you put on you, the longer it will take.


Good luck 

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 6:52:20 AM   
ezanac


Posts: 35
Joined: 10/29/2010
Status: offline 		Everyone thank you for your posts, they all are very helpful.

Last night, I spoke at length with my Dom, and *whew* I feel much better.


< Message edited by ezanac -- 11/11/2010 6:53:39 AM >

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Ezanac
~I'm a sunshine and rainbows kinda girl, with a kinky side thrown in just for fun! :)

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 6:54:54 AM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ezanac

 @Twoshoes -Thanks for  your suggestion ~ but still staying faithful to my Dom



Sorry, I wrote it that way.

Focus on what you'd need him to do for you to trust him, then.

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 8:55:41 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I couldn't possibly give you a *how to*, but even now , after years of being with M, in whom I have enormous trust built over a decade........I still have times when I don't trust MYSELF to*let go* in certain circumstances.

I SUBMIT to everything he does, but *letting go* isn't the same at all.

I'm not sure if you mean you just don't *let go*, or that you don't *let go and actually submit*.

Not doing what he says wouldn't do at all, here.....it's the corner-stone of our relationship-style. Grumbling a bit, not liking, being fed up, being cross or frustrated ..not a problem .......not submitting....BIG problem.

agirl

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 9:47:47 AM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		Trust, of course, is number one. I'm still new to this also and have found I have what I call "knee jerk" reactions.....old tapes running through my head from the vanilla lifestyle, especially in the restraint department. A big NO will fly out of me without me even seeing it coming.

We're bombarded daily with murders, rapes, kidnappings, serial killers....on and on. We're (especially women) taught to not put ourselves in positions we are now seeking to be in.....lol. On TV, anyone seen trussed up like we would like to be, is in serious trouble. So now I have to not only learn, I have to unlearn.

I find what helps me is being led with lots of variety, keeping things moving and good old fashioned "don't give me time to think about it" (within the limits and the ones to push, of course). The "knee jerk" NO reactions are slowing up. Good luck.

Edited spelling :)

< Message edited by anniezz338 -- 11/11/2010 10:05:45 AM >

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 10:15:25 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		What eveyone else have said is right on the money. You have to have trust in him that he will do what is best for you, and you have to trust youeself. I was afraid to trust at first myself i was afraid if i handed the control to him i would never be the same. I was right i am not the same i am better. After almost 5 years trust is not an issue it is always there. I am glad you talked to your Dom that is most important. Try to relax and tell those voices in your head to shut up and just enjoy. That is what i had to do.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 10:38:18 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		How long have you known each other? Because you need a history with someone, seeing them in action, before you can trust in their future actions. This takes time.

Suggestion: he slows down, slows way down and allows you to relax instead of pushing to do everything immediately. If this relationship is stable he doesn't need to start with enemas and needles on play meet one. You can go for years and not get to that point. Go back to the beginning and do only what both of you enjoy doing. If you folks haven't filled out a bdsm checklist and shared it with each other, you're overdo. There is nothing wrong in just cuddling, going out for walks hand in hand, and dating either. If all you do is have sex together, then it's a booty call, not a relationship and you can't trust sufficiently.

Some people can play casually, others need a deep connection. Whatever you need is right for you.


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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 4:04:59 PM   
ezanac


Posts: 35
Joined: 10/29/2010
Status: offline 		*blows... thank you kisses to everyone!*

I am truly grateful for all of the advice, and I am finding all your words very helpful.  As many of you had referred to; (after some time reflecting) the main part  of my question had been about  a fear of not trusting myself to let go, fearing that a ripple effect would begin... 'if I start this... then I might like that.. and then... oh my goodness, what kind of a person am I , if I like THAT!'   < so now, I will push the STOP & DELETE buttons on my mental ipod>

I have always been a natural submissive so I am happy to do what He requests, which up to now, has been fun and exciting.  I believe  that I was being a bit too analytical on letting go, and trying to find the 'how to' process.  Now, I am excited about going through this unfamiliar territory with my Dom, and am learning to experience for experience's sake -  no outcome to focus on -especially with Him to to lead me.   

*Learning to 'let go'  and Live*

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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 6:03:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It's always a good idea to talk over the problems with him first.

However I do have a suggestion. I relax much easier if I'm blindfolded and bound. It's a physical thing. You may find that some sensory deprivation helps you relax, for some it does, for others it doesn't. You don't know what your reaction may be till you try it.


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RE: Letting Go - 11/11/2010 8:37:44 PM   
BbcSlutKc


Posts: 60
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		having faith in urself and him goes a long way....

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RE: Letting Go - 11/12/2010 3:59:48 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		For me letting go involved getting past that little voice that said "does my butt look huge like this, and is he being repulsed?"  ,  or  " did i remember to wipe really well"  or " how can he love/like/enjoy my ------------(insert insecurity here).

Once i realised in my heart, not just my head, that he loved every bit of me, regardless of what i thought of it, i hit subspace. Of course, this took more like a year than a couple of weeks.

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