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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 6:36:24 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

How does a submsissive/slave deal with a Master who breaks an understood trust they had between them, especially if this trust is a cornerstone of their relationship?


http://www.collarchat.com/m_275488/mpage_1/key_broken%252Ctrust/tm.htm#275488
Re-Establishing Trust



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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 7:10:02 AM   
smilezz


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quote:

To me, once trust is broken, the relationship will never be the same.  It can be "fixed" but not made whole again.

I used to believe this also.  I decided one day to go against the grain and leap into what could have destroyed me.  I decided to have faith in that person and see what would happen.  With much communication, everything is whole again.

~smilezz~ 

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 7:27:55 AM   
DesertRat


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From: NM/USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: smilezz

quote:

To me, once trust is broken, the relationship will never be the same.  It can be "fixed" but not made whole again.

I used to believe this also.  I decided one day to go against the grain and leap into what could have destroyed me.  I decided to have faith in that person and see what would happen.  With much communication, everything is whole again.

~smilezz~ 


Thank you, smilezz, for sharing that. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear something like that this morning.

Bob

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 7:34:35 AM   
smilezz


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quote:

Thank you, smilezz, for sharing that. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear something like that this morning.
 
Life is sure a challenge at times Bob, and while i believe in "what does not kill us makes us stronger" that leap of faith is the hardest thing to do.........................but worth it, if for no one else than yourself.

Hope your day gets better and you have a great weekend...

~smilezz~ 


_____________________________

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�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 7:39:13 AM   
BrianSenior


Posts: 88
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		What works for some wont work for others, as you can see from the responses, they differ like everything else.  A personal question or opinion is just that personal so you will have to look at them and then decide what suits you, and what you are facing, the choice is always your own to make. The first thing I am thinking is, what was the trust that was broken. Some see different issues being stronger then others. Like adultry, braking ones word, etc. As I was thinking on that, I continued to read the other posts. Seeing how some said to leave, that they could not be with some one that has broken trust, and I do understand that. I seen others that said they would talk to the person and see what comes out of it. Some said that there is a cahnce things can work out. I see it like this. What is it worth to you. Is the love, the relationship, in your heart, does it mean enough to try to work things out. Since you are here asking about it, it would be a thought that yeah, you would like to be with this person still. It is hard, to see them, speak to them, hear their voice and know what they did to you. Yet, it is not going to be easy to not be with them either. The more you love them the harder it will be to be away from them and to not hear thier voice etc. What is it worth to you? Would have to start almost form the begining. The trust issue would have to be worked on all over again. It was done once, can it be done again. Is it worth it to you. Some have been able to do it. It was worth it to them. Some can't do it. All comes down to ...  is it worth it to you. ~BK~

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 7:42:56 AM   
wistfulsapphire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: smilezz

I used to believe this also.  I decided one day to go against the grain and leap into what could have destroyed me.  I decided to have faith in that person and see what would happen.  With much communication, everything is whole again.

~smilezz~ 


I agree... I have done this as well, and been very glad I did.  I won't lie, it was hard, and I often doubted us both.... but the person and the relationship were valuable to me so I couldn't just *throw* it away.  Walking away would have been the easy path, I had to try.  And.. I'm glad I did. 

< Message edited by wistfulsapphire -- 4/28/2006 7:46:43 AM >

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 7:56:06 AM   
ddesire


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/13/2004
Status: offline 		Its a real pain to find out that someone has lied to you..or broken your trust.  Once you get past the hurt and anger you can sometimes be successful enough to repair the damage.  Not saying thing are the same..but pretty close...if its worth fighting for.  You need alot of communication and understanding and hope for the  best..  The first relationship I was in over 12 years ago...decided to not be completely honest about his feelings toward a new sub sister <yes, we were poly...2 real time..one online.  The newest online only training submissive , yes married, yes with children and yet ONLINE only..lol...<boy was I nieve then>...turned into more...and his 2 R/T submissives asked for release.  My sub sister, who was the older of the 2 of us...has never really overcome her loss for our, then Master.  No amt of communication could have saved this relationship in my opinion. even after being collared for 2 and 3 years.  Boy, i bet your wondering where his relationship is now..lol.  Married to the 3rd sub...all 4 children live with them, ex-husband devastated living in Ohio, and the happy Dom/sub living in San Jose..

Gosh...one could almost write a book about this stuff..lol.   

I am just so very happy that with time you can look back at things..and hopefully you have learned from them..healed yourself..and dont take what has happens in this relationship.<.if it ends> try not to hold it against the next one...Dont sabotage the new before its time.   I totally agree with the....what doesnt kill us makes us stronger motto....Live, learn and go on..

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 8:23:20 AM   
Mercnbeth


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sylphgossamer

How does a submsissive/slave deal with a Master who breaks an understood trust they had between them, especially if this trust is a cornerstone of their relationship?

 
 
personally, this slave believes it all boils down to one question:
 
How much does the relationship mean to the parties involved?
 
as far as how to "deal" with a Master:
 
this slave would ask respectfully to discuss the matter privately, express her opinion and listen to whatever Master would have to say regarding the issue.  then, this slave could forgive, forget, turn the other cheek, let it GO and move on.
 
OR
 
this slave could focus on her hurt feelings, refuse to forgive, harbor resentment, take it out on friends, family or an online message board, see a therapist or priest for counseling, try to get "revenge", etc., however this slave is more inclined to the actions described in the former paragraph rather than the latter.

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 9:16:37 AM   
justatoy2


Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		well in my opinion it really depends what was broken. Was it an honest mistake, or was it intentional? Is he genuinely sorry. Do you think its likely to happen again. There are so many variables involved. I do believe anything can be resolved if both parties want to work to do so. Doms are not perfect. They do make mistakes. I often see where submissves are more easily forgiven by a dom, then the other way around. Its like we hold doms to a higher standard, but they are after all human, and will on occasion fuck up.

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 10:53:47 AM   
sylphgossamer


Posts: 383
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		thank you all for the advice. he just seems to keep on, and try to either ignore what he did or else blame it on me. interestiing.

somehow screaming at a person whom you've violated their trust isn't the best way to begin to rebuild it. doesn't work real well for me, anyway.

< Message edited by sylphgossamer -- 4/28/2006 10:55:22 AM >

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 12:02:55 PM   
DesertRat


Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sylphgossamer

thank you all for the advice. he just seems to keep on, and try to either ignore what he did or else blame it on me. interestiing.

somehow screaming at a person whom you've violated their trust isn't the best way to begin to rebuild it. doesn't work real well for me, anyway.

 
If it doesn't work for you then you should get out of the relationship and stop trying to make something happen that can't.

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 1:07:05 PM   
sylphgossamer


Posts: 383
Joined: 1/22/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesertRat
 
If it doesn't work for you then you should get out of the relationship and stop trying to make something happen that can't.


i thank you for your wise opinion, Sir, it's just hard when love is involved, and he says he's in love with me and wants it to work. i'm rather fond of him as well.

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 1:47:11 PM   
DesertRat


Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sylphgossamer

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesertRat

If it doesn't work for you then you should get out of the relationship and stop trying to make something happen that can't.


i thank you for your wise opinion, Sir, it's just hard when love is involved, and he says he's in love with me and wants it to work. i'm rather fond of him as well.

 
Then you both should try hard to make it work.

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 2:03:32 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sylphgossamer

thank you all for the advice. he just seems to keep on, and try to either ignore what he did or else blame it on me. interestiing.

somehow screaming at a person whom you've violated their trust isn't the best way to begin to rebuild it. doesn't work real well for me, anyway.

 
I have had this happen to me before, being attacked by someone who did wrong to me.. I call it adding insult to injury.. and I think the reason that people do this is a mechanism of  "using an offense as a defense". That is something people do sometimes so they can protect themselves emotionally.. It isn't very effective either.. it tends to make things worse. I wish you luck and send you light.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 4/28/2006 2:04:30 PM >

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 3:13:37 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sylphgossamer

How does a submsissive/slave deal with a Master who breaks an understood trust they had between them, especially if this trust is a cornerstone of their relationship?

 
 
This is a question that is going to require an indivdual answer for everyone.  Only you can answer this for yourself and only I can answered it for myself.  However, I will say that it takes "TWO" to make the relationship work and only "One" to end it.  Do you want to end it? If you don't, then I guess the broken trust was not really that much a cornerstone of the relationship as you would suggest.  Be honest with what you need and what you want.  Be honest with what you can give and what can't give.  If you can't give "Trust" no amount of love is going to make a difference.  In fact... the love will slowly die without the growth of trust.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 3:27:38 PM   
FirmhandKY


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Joined: 9/21/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

You have to deal with four key issues, one flowing into another
  1. Do you want to stay in the relationship?
  2. If you chose to stay, was the break due to a genuine mistake or a personal failing?
  3. Has he acknowledged his mistake?
  4. Has he shown that he keeps his word, has he shown self discipline, do you believe that the mistake will not be repeated?


Worth repeating.

FHky


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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 3:36:35 PM   
quietWonder


Posts: 23
Joined: 4/17/2006
Status: offline 		oh yes I would have to agree with Knight of Mists in all he states.  I have been there, and depending on how you value trust , the deeper its value regardless, without it it is very difficult to love and that 'so called love' can and will most likely dimish through time.  And to further add, if you don't resolve the issue/s, I think they can esculate to a level of remorse and or even hatred.  You know you are in the wrong place if that exists (atleast that was my experience)

im-realized-o

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 5:32:27 PM   
mathiasdomm


Posts: 71
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline 		I'm with Tikkiee on this one.  You either choose to forgive or to forget in the short term, but eventually you'll have to do both to move on. The question is whether or not you're interested in staying in the relationship. 

Encouraging news:  Lots of married people commit adultery, doing the same sort of emotional damage  you're alluding to.  Most of them (something like 70%, but this is coming from a CNN article that I vaguely remember) choose to stay together and become strong again in time.  You just have to make a conscious effort to get past it, put it behind you, forgive your partner and forgive yourself.  Good luck
-m

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 6:27:22 PM   
unquenchable


Posts: 155
Joined: 4/17/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: sylphgossamer

How does a submsissive/slave deal with a Master who breaks an understood trust they had between them, especially if this trust is a cornerstone of their relationship?

 
 
This is a question that is going to require an indivdual answer for everyone.  Only you can answer this for yourself and only I can answered it for myself.  However, I will say that it takes "TWO" to make the relationship work and only "One" to end it.  Do you want to end it? If you don't, then I guess the broken trust was not really that much a cornerstone of the relationship as you would suggest.  Be honest with what you need and what you want.  Be honest with what you can give and what can't give.  If you can't give "Trust" no amount of love is going to make a difference.  In fact... the love will slowly die without the growth of trust.


Agreed.

Only you can decide what it is you can forgive. I would sit down, talk, try to get by it.  Yes, trust is important and the breech of that trust can sometimes be disasterous, I just cannot throw something away without first trying to repair it. 

Now it is just up to the 2 of you to see if it can be repaired.

un----------

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/28/2006 9:03:51 PM   
nstyslave


Posts: 34
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		i don't usually post, i just read and go on. But on this topic, having "been there and done that," i just have to ask, can you literally place your life in hands that you don't trust? Trust is needed on two levels, consciously and subconsciously. If the subconscious doesn't trust Him then you'll never be able to fully give of yourself. Trust your gut instinct, and good luck  

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