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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/29/2006 4:36:23 AM

Dustyn

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Now see, I have a differing opinion from those that have been given. I consider them to be very self centered, in terms of the advice, since it is given in terms of what you would want or should consider or what-have-you.

Personally, there is no one thing in any of my relationships that I consider a true breaking point, at least in the general sense. I will consider the ramifications of what has been done, what has been said, and most importantly, the affect on the rest of my life. Flat put, short of trying to actually kill me, there is nothing that I am unwilling to work through, although I won't simply waste my time on useless projects, either. If this person is important to me, in one form or another, then I will do what is needed to work through it, be it talking non stop for hours, or days, or even months, on end. I tend to be very bull-in-a-china-shop when it comes to things like this. If I shoot a rattlesnake, I make damned sure the sucker won't snap and bite me when I turn my back, so to speak.

Now I do agree with everyone else that once trust is broken, it can never be repaired. I don't agree that there is nothing that can be done about it, though. When I have been faced with a situation like you are obtusely alluding to, I will beat that horse until the bones are dust and even further, if needed, to make certain that things are worked all the way out. No mistake in a relationship is solely one person's fault, period. Even if it's only .000000000001% your fault, you are still responsible for that part.

If I were you, I'd be considering if this person, and the relationship, is worth the effort it is going to take to repair it and rebuild it into something new. Things will never be what they were. They might be worse, but they might be better, too. Only way to find out is to do it. Who knows what you might find out about each other on the way through.

Just my opinion, so take it as you will.

One last piece of advice. Whatever you decide to do, do it with utter confidence in yourself. Second guessing a relationship will only lead to problems later down the road. I know this because I have done it to the detriment to a few different relationships. Wish you the best whatever you decide.

- Dustyn

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/30/2006 9:12:45 PM

dincubus

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To me, it would have to depend on how badly the trust was broken. Was it a simple thing like taking something to better the object and return it? or was it something more serious like cheating on you, if there was not a play agreement in place? While all breaches of trust are indeed serious, there are levels to that. At least in my opinion. i mean if my submissive were to cheat on me, i would very highly consider walking out. that is just me. now if she took my boots to get them reheeled, i would be a lil upset, but not enough to walk out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sylphgossamer

How does a submsissive/slave deal with a Master who breaks an understood trust they had between them, especially if this trust is a cornerstone of their relationship?

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 4/30/2006 10:00:59 PM

OscarHargraves

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Question: If you DID continue in this relationship, could you honestly trust him again? If not, then what? Are you sure you're not just looking for agreement on a decision that you have already made in your heart?

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 5/1/2006 10:19:13 AM

LordTravanix

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Funny this should come up now - I recently had to terminate a relationship with a "slave" that was slave in name only. She couldn't follow instructions, meet requirements, etc. In my case, I simply just ended it, not wanting to put up with the lies any longer. Though, my problem goes farther that I've known this girl for a while. It is never easy to remove yourself from a relationship that means a lot, but there is always a chance that the relationship only means something to one person, and means less or nothing to another. Sometimes, best thing to do is build up understanding together, and make sure every expectation is laid out or at least known.

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 5/1/2006 1:18:16 PM

fastlane

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I say a public lynching is in order

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 5/1/2006 7:00:46 PM

RiotGirl

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quote:

How does a submsissive/slave deal with a Master who breaks an understood trust they had between them, especially if this trust is a cornerstone of their relationship?

You know i was talking to my sis the other day about relationships. There are some key elements in a relationship. One of them being Trust. If one of the key elements breaks down - you have to decide if its worth it to stick around and work it out or not. Being worth it, is all your own perogative. What makes some one worthwhile for you. Also its very important that there is effort in a relationship. If one is going to put in the effort to make it work and the other isnt, its a sinking ship. Its a lose/lose situation.

Its also IMO about what you can handle or not. Its all pretty much about your own perspective. Some people can handle lying while bad table manners is something they cant. Every relationship and person has problems. What you have to decide is are the problems worth dealing with and can you deal with them. There is no "better" out there. As everyone and everything has problems.. problems.. problems.. All you do when you leave a relationship or situation is trade one set of problems for another. Its all about what you can handle... what are you're deal breakers.

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 5/1/2006 7:07:10 PM

accipitres

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Not sure what your trust issue is about, so your situation may be very different, but for me, "trust" is shorthand for "you will behave the way I want you to."

I trust you not to have sex with other woman
I trust you not to flirt with my friends
I trust you to keep my secrets
I trust you not to take my money

All about controlling the other person's behavior.

So for me the answer is either: 1) walk away, or 2) surrender control.

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 5/3/2006 11:43:14 AM

SirMise

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I think that once the trust has been broken the foundation has a crack and will eventually crumble, especially if it's early in a relationship?

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 5/3/2006 5:30:32 PM

sylphgossamer

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i wish to thank all who have responded to this question, and yes, it is one which is answered inside each of us. my query was initiated by a misunderstanding that we had, and which has since been well cleared up and we each are stronger as is our relationship.

sometimes it takes something that one perceives one way to allow themselves to be open enough to see things from another perspective, and to see how caring, devotion, and trusting that you both want the same goal and are willing to do whatever it takes to reach it, can build up a far stronger foundation than that which existed before.

i would hope that everyone will find what i have had the great fortune to find, care for, wonder at, and be in awe of.

i thank you, Master DesertRat, for all you have shown and taught me and will continue to show and teach me. i trust you with my heart, my life, and my soul.

< Message edited by sylphgossamer -- 5/3/2006 5:37:35 PM >

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RE: How do you deal with broken trust? - 5/8/2006 9:41:16 AM

MlilnikkiM

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Trust is something that doesn't come easy for me, so once it is shattered; it is extremely hard for it to be 'repaired'. However, with work, I have been able to gain trust in many loved ones, including my mother, and other 'blood family members'. It will always leave an impact on me, I will always be aware of that occurrence, and it will always render a jaded view on situations, and my reactions to things. This is something I have been trying to conquer, but I come from the school of thought 'fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' I learn my lessons, or at least my take on them rather quickly and I usually stick with what I have learned, and rarely make that same mistake twice.

I do believe that if the relationship was solid enough before the break, even if it was a cornerstone that was broken, it can be repaired. It will never be the same, and dynamics may be shifted a bit, bit it can be repaired. Relationships change as you progress into them. Wounds do heal, but usually a scar remains. It will change everything, and nothing will be the same, but if the person is worth being with, its worth the work and time that will have to be put into mending the break.

Trust being restored alone will not save a relationship. Often with broken trust, the harder things to deal with are the anger, the hurt, and the loss of those 'special feelings'. Again they may come back, but chances are those too will never be the same.

I agree completely with what Tikkiee had to say: "The same way you deal with all the other issues in life. The way I see it you have two choices. Either forgive, or don't forgive."
Forgiveness is something that will have to be done, but shouldn't be done and probably can not be done until a person is ready to do so. It may be a week, a month, or years down the line, but again if the relationship is worth it, then it is a minor thing to wait through. If it’s not worth the forgiving or worth being forgiven then its not worth staying through, and both parties should come to an agreement and walk away.

Communication is not just needed, but is required in relationships of all kinds, but especially those of the D/s dynamic.

I have put all my trust in to Sir, have entrusted in Him that He knows what is best for Himself, for my well being, and for O/our well being. If that is shattered, then my submission may be severely affected. Nonetheless I would still be inclined to work hard to repair and to work with Sir on finding a way for us to continue to be U/us. I accepted Sir's collar with every intentions of being His for life. This means through the thick and thin, through the rough times and the good times. Trust if it is ever broken, I would hope that our foundation is strong enough that together we could conquer that as well.

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