RapierFugue
Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: subjeremy2
I hope you'll excuse a new guy on here writing about his thoughts, but this particular topic bugs me.
I recently moved to my new home for work reasons and during the week I am a mild mannered, very busy engineer working for a highly respected company, and if you met me there you wouldn't think I was the sort of person that the Daily Mail warns you about.I don't even own a long leather coat or a Gothic style beard and my head isn't shaved. EEeeek !!! I know its shocking, I should be spanked.
So anyway come the first Tuesday of the month I went to check out the local munch at a pub near me, hoping for interesting people, friendly welcome and the rest of it, as it turned out there was no welcome, no body there I could relate to just a bunch of people in standard issue long leather coats and Gothic face fungus, so I left without further ado.It just seems strange there must be other people who like me have to at least pretend to be normal.
I am not sure what the question is but it just annoys me so I ranted a bit.
As the BDSM world is just another part of society, so it tends to follow that there are all sorts of different munches/parties/gatherings, etc. Some munches are great – you go along and there are people specifically “tasked” with making sure newbies aren’t left out in the cold (although I take and agree with LP’s point that, as the newcomer, it’s incumbent on the individual to make an effort), or there are just very gregarious people who’re more than happy to engage with newcomers. I’ve emailed thanks to several people over the years for being so welcoming and engaging when attending a munch for the first time.
On other occasions I've seen it go completely the other way; nasty-minded little cliques, intent only on sitting around, sneering at newcomers. In my experience Doms are often the worst for this; I don't know why, but some of them (well, some of “us” I guess I should say) seem to think it’s “un-domly” to have the courtesy to go speak to a newbie. I have a dom mate who has a theory that some doms label themselves that way because they're not good at communication, and thus being their "type" of dominant means they think they don't have to communicate with others other than at the point of a cane. Not sure I agree entirely, but it’s a point of view.
My personal funniest was one where it wasn't that the room was anti- me, more that there were 3 distinct groups/cliques, all of whom seemed to hate each other with a passion. So they’d sit in 3 different corners of a pub’s snug area, glowering at each other. I went up to each clique in turn and introduced myself, and they were reasonably friendly – give it a 6/10 on the “friendly” scale. However, as soon as I then went to talk to another of the cliques I was warned off “them”, coz “they're arseholes”. Except all 3 cliques were pretty much the same. Honestly, it was more like a crèche than a munch 
As a couple of ideas; not sure where you are, location-wise, but have you been to one of the bigger fetish fairs/markets/etc? Being bigger it’s easier to “lose” yourself in a crowd, and you can often strike up pleasant conversations with people where they often then recommend munches they attend; that way a) you’re more confident it won’t be a nightmare coz you've had a recommendation and b) when you do go you'll have one or more people to talk to that you already know.
Also, if you're going to a larger munch (and I find the better attended ones tend to be less cliquey, if only because there’s too many numbers to really gang together) then it’s sometimes nice to say so on that munch’s bulletin board or local section, maybe by asking for directions, thinking about going, etc. Often you’ll find people then pipe up and say “oh I’ll be going and I’ll be wearing X so come talk to me and I’ll introduce you” or similar.
I haven't been to munches for a long time now, for various reasons, but again I agree with LP that it’s as much down to you to reach out to people as it is for them to reach out to you. But if you make the effort and it’s rejected then what you're dealing with is possibly a “munch in decline”, and it most likely won’t be around for too much longer anyway – in my experience the cliquey talking-shops tend to die out, for obvious reasons.
Lastly, turning to the “normal” thing – again, as BDSM is a broad church, so it follows that there are as many different “types” as there are individuals; some munches have lots of people who like to dress up, others are very “stealth”. It’s a question of finding one that suits you, and that sometimes takes a little time and effort. What I would say is that I've met some smashing people at munches over the years (many of whom could be categorised as distinctly “odd”), some of whom I still correspond with today, even though I've left the area. But if you persist and find a decent munch that suits you, you'll find many of the “non-normal” folk are actually perfectly “normal” underneath. Vive la difference and all that.
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RE: Pretending to be normal ;-) - 
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