RE: Hanky Spanky (Full Version)

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CaringandReal -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/16/2010 3:33:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Where do the Hanky Spankies fit in here? 

best,
sunshine



I also wonder where the spanking fetishists have gone. Their interests tend to be pretty specific so maybe they don't find boards like this one interesting.

Shadow Lane's still up and running, I'm happy to see. :)

Some spanking videos are quite hot. My favorites were a series called Beach Girl Spankings. Shot in Florida, the guys would go up to random girls on the beach and ask them if they'd take a bare-bottomed spanking for a hefty little sum. It seemed completely spontaneous and natural, not staged. Many agreed, and the varied responses to the spankings (which always involved a little more than the girls bargained for) and the spanker's humiliating and often very funny repartee made them very much worth watching. I should not have thrown those out when I moved to a smaller place. :/

(Just in case anyone goes googling these, beware of the creators' site--it's listed as having malware--but there are plenty of other places to get them.)



VaguelyCurious -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/16/2010 4:03:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

VC - discussion is not complaining.  It's posts like yours that dismiss what is being discussed that clearly show my point.  I appreciate you giving such a good example at this juncture.

And that kind of response while totally ignoring my point is even more dismissive. I suppose I appreciate that demonstration of a victim mentality, but in all honesty I'd rather you listened to what I was actually saying.

Look, this place is enormous. There's a hanky spanky (if we have to use that word) camp, there's a hardcore TPE camp, there's a leather camp, there's a reasonably vanilla camp, there's a strictly casual camp, there's a faintly misogynist camp and a faintly misandrist camp and an anti-trans camp-there will be a group of people here who will hate anyone you could possibly think of. Your feelings of victimhood are no less valid than any other demographic's, but they are no *more* valid either.

Take it from an impartial observer who doesn't really identify with *any* of you people-daddysprop is just as right as you are, and I'm going to be just as sceptical towards both your attitudes to this issue, because while you might see your posts as discussion I'm reading the same thread and not seeing the same thing at all.

<word changes because it's midnight and I'm tired and not saying what I mean>



Twoshoes -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/16/2010 4:16:43 PM)

If it makes anyone feel any better, I empathize with all of you. [;)]
And I don't become insecure when someone disagrees with me.



leadership527 -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/16/2010 4:52:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
This reminds me of the conversation Julia had with two-ff's Jeff on a thread once about biases-she was adamant that there was an anti-femsub bias on the forums and he was adamant that there was an anti-maledom bias.
Wow, I remember that thread and I gotta say that I have a hard time squaring up your perception with the reality. Honestly, it was hardly an "adamant" sort of thing. It was more a casual observation. Nor do I really think that my point and Julia's contradicted each other. As you said, there can be both.

quote:

Can you people not *hear* yourselves?)

The question you oughta be asking yourself. People make observations about trends they see on the boards. Oft-times, exactly as you noted, those observations are, in part, accurate. Then they get discussed if other people are interested or else they do not.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/16/2010 5:06:25 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Wow, I remember that thread and I gotta say that I have a hard time squaring up your perception with the reality. Honestly, it was hardly an "adamant" sort of thing. It was more a casual observation. Nor do I really think that my point and Julia's contradicted each other. As you said, there can be both.

I could well be misremembering-I've definitely seen Julia be adamant about this, and I thought it was in the thread where she was talking to you, but I could well be connecting two separate events in my head because the topics were similar.

quote:


The question you oughta be asking yourself. People make observations about trends they see on the boards. Oft-times, exactly as you noted, those observations are, in part, accurate. Then they get discussed if other people are interested or else they do not.


I'm not debating that people want to discuss the topic-we're on the third page here, so clearly they do. What I'm saying is that I don't find this complaint about perceived bias particularly valid (on any side). Those two things have nothing to do with each other.

Also, given that sunshinemiss is one of the biggest proponents of the theory that the only behaviour you can change is your own, a thread based entirely on criticism of others' behaviour is hard to swallow.



CaringandReal -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/16/2010 6:01:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

"This community - such as it is here on CollarMe - has a strong lean toward the 24/7 slant of things. "


best,
sunshine


That observation contrasts in interesting ways with my own take on this place. I don't see very much 24/7 TPE stuff on here _at all_, it feels like a dried-out desert to me at times, but our different observations may have to do with the usual: defining these things slightly differently.

I have observed, however, the "20 steps ahead responses" you speak of (excellent description of that behavior, btw) and I imagine how daunting they must seem at times to the question-askers (or I imagine the question askers doing this: o_O). I probably do a bit of that myself, but if someone seems sincere in wanting to know something I know about, I will give them a sincere answer, even if it's not an easy or "baby steps" answer. Sometimes baby-steps answers are just not appropriate. When I see inappropriately "advanced' replies to much simpler issues I assume it's just posters being very involved in their own realities and not able to fully project themselves in another's shoes or back to a more basic spot in time. I don't respond in threads I don't know anything about--and those are often the sorts of threads you are referring to. If someone asks, "Where do we go for fun?" I don't think it's the place of a nerdy anti-social bdsm recluse who has no clue on the subject to answer it. So I field the "how can I be a better slave" issues, because that is something I think about a lot. Besides, nobody likes to go where I go for fun. o_O

So why get sad about this? It's not worth the bad feelings, I don't think. Just give people the best and most appropriate answer you can, and realize that others (most likely) think they are doing the same. :) I think that the current atmosphere, while far from perfect, is far better than the "tear every bold newbie dom poster a new asshole" environment that was popular several months ago.



ownedbyPF -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 3:54:01 AM)

I remember that one VC! You aren't crazy[:D] Not that I think you were thinking that, just sayin... I think it was around the time of that dreaded "Doormat" thread.. please no one needs to start that all over, just using it as a time reference! It started there, I thiiiink and then within a short time moved onto a different one, I am almooost positive.

Now that I've posted in here, I feel like I need to reply to the OP itself. First of all I would agree that there's alot about sensation play, and alot about 24/7 relationships. I would further agree that there isn't alot about specific relationships with bedroom D/s vs sensation play and casual relationships. They are different. However, I also think that there is a wide difference between the 24/7 D/s relatinship and the 24/7 M/s relationship. Again, they are different with different mindsets and issues and frequently if you post about one's like Daddysprop, you do get alot of junk with it. It always goes to.... what if he chopped off your arm, or relationships like that aren't real, or no one can live like that, or you might think it's real, but it's a game...on and on and on and oooooon! Speaking as one who is actually utterly micromanaged and controlled, it's why I don't post alot.

Soooo my take...
sensation play... check
Casual relationships... check
D/s 24/7 (or not even 24/7)... check
M/s 24/7 worship Him, utterly enslaved, no limits.... er not so much (cuz of all those Masters lookin to hack off arms [8|] )
Bedroom D/s relationships... again, not so much.

At the end of the day it's that same ol' take what you can use, toss the rest, what else can you do?



RapierFugue -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 4:05:18 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedSenses
"There is no right or wrong way to do BDSM."


That would be my general opinion. If it (whatever it is, 24/7, occasional, etc) works for the people involved, and if it makes them feel fulfilled and happy, what’s the problem?

I have noted a marked reduction in the number of “One True Way” posts on CM since I was last on here a while back, which I consider to be a good thing. There used to be a fair few “anyone not doing 24/7 isn't fulfilling their potential/"is just playing at it" posts but they seem to have largely died out. Mind you I don't read each and every post on each and every forum.



DesFIP -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 4:45:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Sunshine... I've definitely experienced a similar feeling.  In fact it's probably why I don't post more often... my views and opinions would be seen as "too vanilla".

How many times do we see someone's opinion or answer dismissed with something like, "that can happen in any relationship" or "that's no different than what anyone would do in a vanilla relationship."



I'm probably the person most likely to say this. But I know I don't mean it in a dismissive sense. More to point out that just because you've now slapped these labels on yourself, it doesn't change the need for compatibility, for good behavior, for mutual respect, for attentive listening, for clear communication and so on.

Because subs frequently assume they have to accept a dynamic that doesn't make them happy, in order to get what they want. And this isn't true of female subs seeking male doms. Most of the issues brought up here are relationship issues simply because relationships are filled with such pitfalls as how to balance both parties needs, how to balance wants and needs and time management.

We all have multiple relationships that we juggle. With work, with friends, with family, with ourselves. Picking which to give our limited amount of energy to is difficult. Spend all night tied up without sleep and expect your presentation to be a failure and no chance at the promotion you were angling for. Spend the entire evening visiting an elderly parent and have no time to clean your home. Should you be punished for not having dusted per his rules when you had no time to do so and if so, how do you handle the resentment at him not understanding your problems or do you stay up to clean and screw up at work?

There may be no wiggle room in tpe but I'm betting there's plenty of angst.

However a lot of subjects simply don't generate long answers. Technical questions require only a handful of answers to explain how to do something, or give a link to the book or website considered the authority on the subject and point out important safety considerations. It isn't that electrical play isn't an acceptable subject, just that there isn't that much to say when someone wants to know how to do it.

Since we all have had relationships and have felt passionate about them, these are the subjects that will garner the most replies, and the most passionate arguments.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 5:53:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello folks,
In response to the discussion of more intellectual?  indepth?  threads, I'm putting out something that has been niggling at my brain for a bit.

There are a lot of people on the fora that are "Lifestyle" people.  These are folks who really go with the whole TPE kind of dealio.  (Y'all know I'm down with that - if it makes you happy, nobody is being harmed, hey... have at it!).

I rarely see threads that are about "in the bedroom only" kind of folks.  Where do the Hanky Spankies fit in here? 

What comes up sometimes is the whole Domination / running the relationship thing, and often the folks who are just not into that aren't represented as much. 
The Tops and Bottoms are here, but the norms of the fora (which I did start a thread about recently) are generally about more intensive BDSM type relationships (not more intensive relationships - just ones that are more BDSM dynamically inclined). 

Am I off my rocker here? too sensitive? missing something because of a blind spot?

best,
sunshine



I'm reposting the original post in response to so many people trying to psychoanalyze me.  I've noticed a trend, I've pointed it out in hopes of some interesting discussion.  There has been some of that.  The thread has also gone here there and yon, as threads / conversations are wont to do. 

It's certainly true that there is a plethora of opinions / perspectives / ideals, and I've appreiated the opportunity to discuss one of them.

best,
sunshine



Twoshoes -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 6:43:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
I'm reposting the original post in response to so many people trying to psychoanalyze me.

[:)] Moi?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello folks,
In response to the discussion of more intellectual?  indepth?  threads, I'm putting out something that has been niggling at my brain for a bit.

There are a lot of people on the fora that are "Lifestyle" people.  These are folks who really go with the whole TPE kind of dealio.  (Y'all know I'm down with that - if it makes you happy, nobody is being harmed, hey... have at it!).

I rarely see threads that are about "in the bedroom only" kind of folks.  Where do the Hanky Spankies fit in here? 

What comes up sometimes is the whole Domination / running the relationship thing, and often the folks who are just not into that aren't represented as much. 
The Tops and Bottoms are here, but the norms of the fora (which I did start a thread about recently) are generally about more intensive BDSM type relationships (not more intensive relationships - just ones that are more BDSM dynamically inclined). 

Am I off my rocker here? too sensitive? missing something because of a blind spot?

best,
sunshine

 
sunshinemiss: Can I haz validation.

You can haz validation. [;)]
quote:


I've noticed a trend, I've pointed it out in hopes of some interesting discussion.


Right, 'discussion'. Perhaps seeking validation didn't happen on a conscious level? [8D]



RapierFugue -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 6:43:22 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
I'm reposting the original post in response to so many people trying to psychoanalyze me. 


Perils of the internet, that - everyone's a fucking expert [;)]



xssve -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 7:10:15 AM)

Another thing to consider, is that the members of this site who post on the forums are only a fraction of the members on this site - presumably, those with the time and inclination to post on the internet, the rest are presumably looking for something else, a hookup, cybering, the one, etc, and we have no idea what their opinion may be.

I like it here because there is more discussion of things like ethics, etc., the various nuts and bolts of it, philosophy, theory, if you will - you are more likely to get stories about actual experiences, good or bad, over at fet - which is good too, but the way the forums are set up over there, it's difficult to get a focused conversation going, there isn't as much give and take, conversationally speaking.



LadyPact -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 7:33:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
I'm reposting the original post in response to so many people trying to psychoanalyze me.  I've noticed a trend, I've pointed it out in hopes of some interesting discussion.  There has been some of that.  The thread has also gone here there and yon, as threads / conversations are wont to do. 

It's certainly true that there is a plethora of opinions / perspectives / ideals, and I've appreiated the opportunity to discuss one of them.

best,
sunshine

I don't think it's so much that anyone is trying to analyze you.  I think it's that we do have to recognize that this board is something of a catch all of all styles of relationships that fall on the power meter.  We have to consider the whole spectrum of various styles.  The majority of threads aren't going to reflect the opposing sides of the bell curve.  Realistically, I'm on the opposite side of this, as there aren't many dynamics that would reflect Mine, either.  This is something that has changed in My time here on the site.  There aren't as many obedience based M/s dynamics here as there once was.  I could probably pick out ten names from the boards who could advise Me if I felt I had an issue where I could get advice from those who have the type of dynamic that best reflected My own, but the general board wouldn't be the best option for Me to do that.

When people do bring their relationship struggles to the board, the truth is that the answer to at least ninety percent of the issues fall into two responses.  Talk to your partner and do what works best that fits in your dynamic.  Other than that, the best that people can do is discuss how the issue would be handled in their own life, based on the type of dynamic they share with someone.  If they have ever faced the same issue, they related their experience.  Everything else is just conjecture. 

One thing that I do have to say here is that I don't necessarily believe that obedience based dynamics are particularly "easy".  I've seen the job and heck, I even expect it.  I can promise you that it wouldn't be easy for Me.  Even people who are prone to obey do struggle from time to time.



daddysprop247 -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 9:52:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedbyPF


Soooo my take...
sensation play... check
Casual relationships... check
D/s 24/7 (or not even 24/7)... check
M/s 24/7 worship Him, utterly enslaved, no limits.... er not so much (cuz of all those Masters lookin to hack off arms [8|] )
Bedroom D/s relationships... again, not so much.

At the end of the day it's that same ol' take what you can use, toss the rest, what else can you do?


this is a pretty accurate assessment of the acceptable/not acceptable, discussed/not discussed relationship-types around here. it would be interesting to see more topics dealing with "bedroom" D/s, as you're right the focus does tend to be more on casual or otherwise very narrow relationships in that sense. i can imagine there are a lot of complicated and confusing issues which come up in those relationships. maybe it's a matter of people in those relationships just not letting their voices be heard enough....because i'm pretty certain their questions and insight would be welcomed here.

unlike 24/7 M/s, which as you say gets a bad rap because of all those limb-removing Masters. i always wondered though, what do they do with all those slave arms and legs? you think maybe they're donated to charity? [:D]



Zevar -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/17/2010 8:10:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hello folks,
In response to the discussion of more intellectual?  indepth?  threads, I'm putting out something that has been niggling at my brain for a bit.

There are a lot of people on the fora that are "Lifestyle" people.  These are folks who really go with the whole TPE kind of dealio.  (Y'all know I'm down with that - if it makes you happy, nobody is being harmed, hey... have at it!).

I rarely see threads that are about "in the bedroom only" kind of folks.  Where do the Hanky Spankies fit in here? 

What comes up sometimes is the whole Domination / running the relationship thing, and often the folks who are just not into that aren't represented as much. 
The Tops and Bottoms are here, but the norms of the fora (which I did start a thread about recently) are generally about more intensive BDSM type relationships (not more intensive relationships - just ones that are more BDSM dynamically inclined). 

Am I off my rocker here? too sensitive? missing something because of a blind spot?

best,
sunshine


I'm reposting the original post in response to so many people trying to psychoanalyze me.  I've noticed a trend, I've pointed it out in hopes of some interesting discussion.  There has been some of that.  The thread has also gone here there and yon, as threads / conversations are wont to do. 

It's certainly true that there is a plethora of opinions / perspectives / ideals, and I've appreiated the opportunity to discuss one of them.

best,
sunshine


Greetings sunshine:

In reading this entire thread, it appears that there are varying opinions, as usual. I too express my opinion and naturally it is not always appreciated, if at all and especially in and among the Internet there will always be varying opinions on any subject that might be presented in a thread or whatever medium that is used to present ideas.

Are some folks attempting to psychoanalyze you? Perhaps in an armchair sort of approach, with no first-hand experience: having no direct experience, only secondhand or theoretical knowledge or conjecture.

In my line of work I must psychoanalyze those who choose to a seek professional to accomplish being analyzed. Am I attempting to psychoanalyze you? Absolutely not! Actually what I am saying is that regardless what others believe about Hanky Spanky is meaningless unless you allow an alternative perspective to wrongly influence contrary to your own cherished perspective that brings peace to your mind.

What is my take on Hanky Spanky, not that knowing it will clarify anything for anyone? Nonetheless, I agree with the fact that there is not much that is specifically presented in light of the subject.

Optimistically speaking, perhaps this is the beginning that was needed to break ground for further specific discussions on the subject? Maybe not. Regardless how others view the subject, or their take on the Hanky Spanky, holds no bearing on how you decide to conclude on the subject.

Having said that it leads me to ask the question(s), Am I dancing a dance others have danced before? Or my own? If I am sensitive is that ok with me? Only you hold the answer to each question you might have. I say, Dance your dance, as only you can dance, forgetting all else, aye!

Take good care of you, sunshine!



crazyml -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/18/2010 1:59:29 AM)

To the OP.

Hey sunshine! I'm not sure people are doing much psychoanalysis on you here.. To your question - I think is could really be a simple fact that many of the hanky spanky types just aren't "into" the scene enough to want to read and participate on these boards.

I reckon that many of the hanky pankies who come to CM or alt etc (and I'm sure there are plenty more who don't) don't view kink as a desperately serious or "core" part of a relationship so don't dwell on boards like this.



CaringandReal -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/18/2010 2:51:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
Questions like 'my delta slave and my epsilon slave are arguing about slave pose number six but really they're arguing about how delta hates poly and wants me all to herself but really the only one of these people I actually like is beta who is married to some poor bugger she never has sex with because she's in a secret LDR with me but she still refuses to leave him and please could you fix this, internets?' can really only be asked among kinky people.


:D

You know I wondered, if only briefly, as I read the above, "Just how did she manage to peep into my bedroom?" The kink problems also seem to be rather universal--perhaps because the kink universe is far smaller? But these are also problems of the times. The hallowed interents have made such ridiculously complicated interpersonal issues commonplace. Without the enabling media, we'd find creating a situation like the only-slightly-exaggerated one above an execessive and time-consuming pain in the butt.

I'm getting a bit tired of relationship overcomplications, frankly. I really wish that the mystical cybernetic hive mind meld which is where this all this amazing overconnection--and its lovely fallout--seems to be headed at breakneck speed would just happen already. Although, knowing my luck, I'll be outside getting drenched in a rogue thunderstorm and swearing at myself for not carrying an umbrella when the golden coin drops and everybody else at their keyboards starts to hum AUM. :/



takemeforyourown -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/18/2010 2:54:28 AM)

Hanky Spanky!!! That's great! We are a wildly diverse group here. I am just a puppy to submission myself. My 'coming out' was met with less-than-enthusiastic applause by my vanilla husband. However, there seems to be room for almost everybody here.



ownedbyPF -> RE: Hanky Spanky (11/18/2010 3:15:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

To the OP.

Hey sunshine! I'm not sure people are doing much psychoanalysis on you here.. To your question - I think is could really be a simple fact that many of the hanky spanky types just aren't "into" the scene enough to want to read and participate on these boards.

I reckon that many of the hanky pankies who come to CM or alt etc (and I'm sure there are plenty more who don't) don't view kink as a desperately serious or "core" part of a relationship so don't dwell on boards like this.


Ya know, I think there is a whole lotta truth to that! I've known a fair number of couples that were somewhat kinky in the bedroom. Couples ranging from slap and tickle, to swingers, to paddles and crops. They didn't regard it as anything other than how they had sex, what they enjoyed. It wasn't a foundation, or core piece of their relationship anymore than missionary would be to someone else, so why would they join a messsage board to talk about it?

I also remember (back in my early years of exploration) a forum I joined that was D/s ultra light :) Meaning they did spanking etc in the bedroom, and they had a few, let me stress the word feeew, rules the hubbie could enforce out of the bedroom. BUT they were very specific rules that they had absolutely agreed upon... (lol D/s in the bedroom and maybe extending to the hallway, but certainly not into the kitchen!) Anyhow, if you even thought of saying to them that that fell anywhere under the umbrella of BDSM, omg, look out! Their perception was that BDSM was waaaay out there, waaaaaaaay too much, and well, just plain yucky! So, again, not people who would dwell within these boards.
~s



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