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Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 7:29:26 AM

anniezz338

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Joined: 8/17/2010
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Hi all, has anyone dealt with this? I entered into this in March with complete agreement on my end that this is trainging only and will be no more than that. We get along great, training has been going well and we are both pleased with the progress.

But sometimes, I just plain want him for more. I'm exploring things that I want to anyway, but I know in my heart, as much as I want to explore something, sometimes my top agenda is pleasing him. Oh I've had my one lecture so far and now it comes up rarely and we end up laughing it off. Kinda like getting a crush on your therapist?...lol

My concern is what this is going to do moving forward with my training and meeting someone for a real relationship. He said last night when he becomes the reason I don't want to meet anyone else, then we have gone too far. He's dead right. But he's also set a pretty solid bar of what I'm looking for in a Man and a Dom.

And truthfully, even if I could have him, I wouldn't do it. That's the crazy part. What we have is really great.....I wouldn't want to ruin that. Anyone ever deal with this? Thanks in advance :)

< Message edited by anniezz338 -- 11/16/2010 7:31:39 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 7:46:07 AM

BonesFromAsh

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Joined: 6/17/2010
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Training??????????

The above link is, in my opinion, a good bit of insight for how many people view training. With that in mind, I wouldn't be training or receiving training from someone I'm not already in a fairly commited relationship with.

Now, commited could be seen many different ways, but for me it means I'm learning what my partner likes or teaching them what I like. Nothing more nothing less.

You mention...

quote:

My concern is what this is going to do moving forward with my training and meeting someone for a real relationship. He said last night when he becomes the reason I don't want to meet anyone else, then we have gone too far. He's dead right. But he's also set a pretty solid bar of what I'm looking for in a Man and a Dom.

...what was the purpose of this 'training'? Was it a chance for you to explore different types of play or was it tailored more to his taste and you learning them? What were your expectations? What were his?

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 11/16/2010 7:54:46 AM >

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 2

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 8:08:46 AM

anniezz338

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Joined: 8/17/2010
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Hi, the purpose of the training to is just that....learning. Like a class, what to expect, what;s not going to work for me, what will, getting some kind of ideas of a Doms mindset, etc.

And it is a balance of both play and pleasing some of his tastes. For example, I want to learn to cum on command, orgasm control, that is very erotic to me. Making a woman cum is not a big pleaser for him but he wants me to get a general learning because he knows some Dom's like that, so we work with that too.

Just somewhere along the way, moments of deeper feelings hit me. It's not out of control or anything. But I wonder sometimes....

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 3

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 8:20:17 AM

BonesFromAsh

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Hi anniezz,

I understand it could be difficult learning what works for a specific person with the understanding that it may or may not be applicable for another relationship.

Honestly, it sounds to me as though the two of you need to have a conversation about expectations and goals. I would suggest you lose the phrase "training" and instead look at it as a temporary relationship. Enjoy what he and you bring to the moment and accept that it won't be forever.

If you can do that...live in the moment without projecting into the future...you might be able to just enjoy the experience without the heavy mindset.

Just remember...partners, dominant or otherwise, aren't one-size fits all. I like that you say YOU want to learn to orgasm on command...that's cool. You may never be in a position to use that talent, but the fact that you're doing it for you is what counts, in my opinion.

Good luck

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 4

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 12:03:39 PM

kiwisub12

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Joined: 1/11/2006
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Sounds to me like you have a crush on him. And that is all well and good, until someone gets hurt. And right now, it looks like that someone would be you - since he has already told you not to get attached.

As for what you should do - if you think you are falling for this man, logically you should dump him and look for a dom of your own. It is easy to say and hard to do if you are crushing on him.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 5

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 1:02:42 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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You already are in too deep to recognize a new dom as a good one for you. You've already started to bond to him and you're not telling him because you know he'll drop you like a hot potato the moment you do. You've already proved to yourself that you can't do a fwb with him and remain unattached.

Orgasm on command? You are aware that should you meet Mr Right you won't be able to orgasm with him, only with Mr Right Now who is your 'trainer'. Accept the fact that you will be hurt when he moves on and decide if what you're getting is worth that or not. But you aren't going to remain unscathed because it's already too late.

_____________________________

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(in reply to kiwisub12)

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RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 1:31:58 PM

JanahX

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Joined: 8/21/2010
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What do you mean by training? Doesn't each Top train his own .. or in other words tell the sub what it is that he expects or likes and works with the sub to get them to do better? Im not sure I know what you're talking about, except you entered a relationship that you agreed is supposed to be void of emotions. I'm not sure if that is realistic. We are not Vulcan and somewhere along the way you are either going to like or dislike the person you are spending time with.

You are a fool to of put yourself in a position of getting attached to someone who clearly has set boundaries from the start. If it turns out painful for you, I hope you have learned a lesson and wont choose to put yourself in something like that again.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 7

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 1:42:26 PM

anniezz338

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You already are in too deep to recognize a new dom as a good one for you.

Sigh. And that is my concern, because that goes completely against what the training was out to accomplish. Shit

We've had a good run, broke down alot of my inhibitions and talk about the things we still want to work on. Yes, it's going to hurt when it ends. And I will accept that and move on, like any grown woman should. Bloody hell.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 1:43:42 PM

anniezz338

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Your right.

(in reply to JanahX)

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RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 1:54:02 PM

BonesFromAsh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Sigh. And that is my concern, because that goes completely against what the training was out to accomplish. Shit

Figure out what you want and need out of a relationship and stick to your guns. Casual play is fine so long as you're able to not get too emotionally attached, which seems to be difficult for you.

By the way, accepting responsibility for your part in your current relationship is important, however...don't forget there are two people involved. It sounds like he enjoyed "training" you as much as you enjoyed it.

Good luck.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 10

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 3:22:09 PM

littlewonder

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I wonder what happens when you meet a Dom who wants the exact opposite of all this "training" with someone else. hhhhmm.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 11

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 4:17:36 PM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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The entire point of both training and mentoring is to allow men to get women they could not otherwise get with. Of course you fall for them, that is the whole point.

Sad thing is something neither party gets that but anyone who has been around a while will laugh at the entire concept of training.

I mean to the best of my knowledge I have never licensed anyone to train women for me...so how on earth could they be doing anything but training you for them?

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 4:28:09 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
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~FR~

I agree with SimplyMichael.

I think the whole concept of training a sub for someone else is unethical. The Trainer is getting the goodies without the responsibility.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 13

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 5:00:35 PM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: January

~FR~

I agree with SimplyMichael.

I think the whole concept of training a sub for someone else is unethical. The Trainer is getting the goodies without the responsibility.

January

I agree too.

Training can make sense if it is done in a service role. But sexual training? Sounds like a cheesy line.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to January)

Post #: 14

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 6:14:53 PM

dory007

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Joined: 7/2/2009
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i've never been a fan of "training" relationships. i find they are usually just a way for a a D type to get to play with lots of s types and not be committed. And if sex is involved it is even worse. s types are vulnerable to attachment. a D type who identifies as a "trainer" is avoiding attachment. and generally when an s type finds the right D type for them, they have to learn all new stuff anyways because the interaction is different, the expectations are different, and the mentality of commitment is different.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 15

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 7:06:20 PM

KatyLied

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Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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I don't find training unethical as much as I find it hilarious. Unless you are being trained for something specific, such as a skill that you can always use (cooking, sewing, etc) for the enrichment of life in general, what good is it? Each dom has specific ways he wants things to be done. Obviously this guy can not train you for future dominants. Unless of course, you need training in how to give the perfect bj. That skill will always be in high demand.

_____________________________

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(in reply to dory007)

Post #: 16

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 7:15:52 PM

LadyNTrainer

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Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Training can make sense if it is done in a service role. But sexual training? Sounds like a cheesy line.

This.

What I focus on professionally is improving the health and attractiveness of a submissive so that they can find a dominant or better please the one they're with. It's not sexual per se; a lot of what I do is vanilla personal training and fitness/nutrition coaching, with pleasing a dominant as one of their key motivations. But there's no question that what I'm doing is a self-improvement service, and that it is a service that they're paying for. I do emphasize that one thing I *can't* train someone to do is to be a better submissive to someone they haven't even met yet. I can train for specific skill sets and for general fitness and attractiveness. I don't claim it is "slave training" in a general sense, though it certainly can improve a submissive's chances of being wanted and valued by someone they do wish to have a personal relationship with.

_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 17

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 8:22:46 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

Thanks all for the input. I kinda feel like a dumb butt, but everyone is right.

I thought it would be great to have a mentor, someone who I could play with and feel more confident venturing out to meet other Doms in search of The One. I don't want to throw him in the sleaze ball catagory...yet.......as we truly have an honest liking for each other (I think.... I'm not sure what to think now). I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he has good intentions.

So, now, not only do I have a huge headache, I feel like I'm losing a friend. But it's my fault. I knew the outcome of the game before it began. It's shame on me more than him.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

Post #: 18

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 8:51:48 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I personally don't see anything wrong with you two staying friends as long as you both are aware and on the same page that that's what it is you are doing....casual friendly type of playing from the sounds of it. Unfortunately though it sounds like the ole fuckbuddy problem.....both agree that you both wiill be fuckbuddies and nothing more, bootycalls for the cold, bored lonely nights but uhoh.....one of you is falling for the other and wants more but the other still likes it the way it is. That's when the heartbreak and hard decisions happen.

I wish you luck though.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 19

RE: Getting attached in a Training relationship only - 11/16/2010 9:41:16 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I personally don't see anything wrong with you two staying friends as long as you both are aware and on the same page that that's what it is you are doing....casual friendly type of playing from the sounds of it. Unfortunately though it sounds like the ole fuckbuddy problem.....both agree that you both wiill be fuckbuddies and nothing more, bootycalls for the cold, bored lonely nights but uhoh.....one of you is falling for the other and wants more but the other still likes it the way it is. That's when the heartbreak and hard decisions happen.

I wish you luck though.

Thanks wonder :)

But that wasn't my gameplan. I don't want to be brainwashed with a mindset that will make it harder to achieve my long term goal which is to find Him. The Dom I'm suppose to be with. I'm blowing off some really great guys who want to chat and meet partially because of my feelings for him, being a plaything for him. Do I really want to trade off my long term happiness for his short term pleasure? I could have not only what I have with him but so much more.

And he knows what he is doing. He knows how I feel and I feel he knows he could be or is holding me back some. He keeps coming back because I do pretty much whatever he tells me to (he's not extreme with me). I think about it and see it's more just about pleasing him than real "training" per se, the little turd.

I'm not upset. I just know what I need to do.

My headache's gone :)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 20

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