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Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 2:11:02 AM

Rexeena

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I was supposed to meet an alleged dom this week and just found out he's married. We'd been talking for three weeks and live in the same city, so we were going to do lunch.

He had said he is single, and in his profile (on fetlife, not here) he claims to be a "SWM". Even though it's not the best indicator, he was always with different girls, or male friends in pictures and even sent one with his mom...I guess to seem more legit? I realize some are into polyamory, and even though that's really not my thing, from what I understand, all parties have to agree.
I'm sure his wife has no idea.

Lesson: Check your county's public records before meeting someone, so you can stay away from cheating assholes. Whitepages helps, but it isn't enough because it doesn't always list the spouse, as in this case. The marriage started on 9/15 so that probably wouldn't be enough time to get the info updated.

EDIT: ...guess I should explain the title? a couple of friends had suggested that at his age it was not unlikely for him to be married and well, it's a nice little ironic 'duh!' moment for me

< Message edited by Rexeena -- 11/22/2010 2:15:27 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 6:49:16 AM

OsideGirl

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1) This is nothing new.

2) You don't need to check the county records and wouldn't be an effective route anyway. Just because they live there doesn't mean they were married there. Just keep your eyes and ears open and in most cases they will do something that shows they're married.

3) Cheating is not polyamory.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 6:55:47 AM

DarkSteven

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Good sleuthing work. And yes, poly differs from cheating in that it's open. And ethical. In cheating, by definition, one partner is unaware and not consenting.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 7:05:01 AM

tiggerspoohbear

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As Osidegirl said, this is nothing new. A lot of men cheat on their wives and will give you the typical disclaimers. "We're together for the sake of the children, "it's a marriage of convenience only", "we're not sleeping together, there's nothing there". I could go on ad nauseum. The fact is he's married, and he wasn't honest with you to begin with. You can bet she has no clue he's trying to get a piece on the side. A liar is a liar is a liar. If he's done it to her, he's doing it to you, he's got no compunction about doing it to a 3rd, 4th or 5th woman, etc.

How can you trust any promises he makes to you? How can you trust that he won't lie to you also? How can you trust him period? No matter that he might say his wife "knows", you have no way of knowing that unless you meet her face to face and she admits she knows. And how do you know she's actually his wife? Could be a female friend of his playing the part of his wife. Devious? Of course, but you have no way of knowing anything. There can be no trust. Is that what you want for yourself? Take some time to really think things out.

And what happens is she doesn't know and finds out? And finds you? It can get pretty ugly pretty fast. Again, huge decision to make. He's still a liar and thought he'd get you chatting with him for a few weeks, get you hook, line and sinker then tell you the "truth". Do you want that?

Believe me, I've been in that position before. I knew the guys were married and at the time thought it didn't matter. That was well over 20 yrs ago. I made myself a promise that no married man would "con" me again. I won't go down that road, it's just so wrong to me. Women ought to stick together and this is backwards. And if I'm lied to? He's in for a world of hurt and I would refuse to see him anymore, no matter how I felt. I've been cheated on also, and know the feeling. It's not very pretty. I won't have that done to me again, nor will I do it to another woman. I have too much respect for myself now.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 7:06:36 AM

81song

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Not cool, Someone should say outright what they are, if not drop them like a lead balloon and move on. I for the life of me does not know why some folks have to do that. If they want to be poly type then there are matches out there. It comes comes down to truth and trust.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 8:11:27 AM

jujubeeMB

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Sure, but some people are turned on by sleeping with multiple people and lying to all of them about it, 81song. I think those people should be shot (or at least resigned to a sexless life forever), but they are out there by the hundreds. And being open and poly about it doesn't do anything for them - they want to feel more powerful about it than those they're fucking.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 10:37:12 AM

tiggerspoohbear

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These people aren't even poly. That means that all parties agree and know who's involved. At least that's the way it should be. If you go outside the poly and lie about it, then you're bringing trouble down onto yourself and the partners who are in the relationship with you.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 10:46:08 AM

81song

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I see jujubeeMB I never even gave that a though but it just makes ones own web of problems. I like what some of my poly friends say, when in doubt, communicate, communicate, communicate.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 10:46:43 AM

MollyTroubletail

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This is easily solved by not sleeping with strangers whom you do not know well. If you're welcome to drop by his house evenings and weekends and to meet his mom, then he isn't married.

If you want to sleep with people whom you do not know well, you take your chances at it. They can turn out to not only be married, but can also be harboring any number of other startling or dangerous surprises.

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)

Post #: 9

RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 10:47:18 AM

Nineveh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tiggerspoohbear

These people aren't even poly. That means that all parties agree and know who's involved. At least that's the way it should be. If you go outside the poly and lie about it, then you're bringing trouble down onto yourself and the partners who are in the relationship with you.

First I want to say I agree that cheaters are not poly, they're cheaters and people should stay away from them for a lot of reasons. Poly doesn't always mean all parties know though. There are people in Don't ask Don't tell poly relationships who don't want to know about one another's partners, just that their primary is being safe about it.

It's not what my wife and I do, we tend to be fairly involved in each other's relationships, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work for some people and even if it does involve keeping secrets that doesn't mean it is cheating or dishonest (unlike the guy in the OP, he's a cheating bastard who I hope catches scabies off of someone)

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)

Post #: 10

RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 10:53:47 AM

anniezz338

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I had this happen to me once. I'd been seeing him for several months. I didn't know until he introduced her to me at a local club we used to go to. I was dumbstruck. Some peoples ethics are questionable at best.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 12:42:36 PM

Lucylastic

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In some cases SWM means Sleazy Wanking Moron

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 12:48:43 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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Now I know why I lubs ya Lucy!!

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 1:01:17 PM

Lucylastic

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curtseys n winks for da Poohbear

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Post #: 14

RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 1:21:12 PM

LaTigresse

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I would have figured the wise already knew this stuff...

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 2:05:31 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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I may not always be wise, but I'm always silly.

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 2:17:33 PM

LadyRian

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There's a lot of that crap everywhere. It seems that on that site you mentioned they're a lot more lenient towards cheaters, too. Sad but true.

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Post #: 17

RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 10:01:36 PM

Rexeena

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MollyTroubletail

This is easily solved by not sleeping with strangers whom you do not know well. If you're welcome to drop by his house evenings and weekends and to meet his mom, then he isn't married.

If you want to sleep with people whom you do not know well, you take your chances at it. They can turn out to not only be married, but can also be harboring any number of other startling or dangerous surprises.

Re-read my original post...haven't met the guy and was planning to...never said anything about meeting the mom.

Who said anything about sleeping with this person?

You're jumping to conclusions by assuming things from god-knows-where. I didn't give any information implying what you have apparently made up your mind about.

(in reply to MollyTroubletail)

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/22/2010 10:25:32 PM

Arpig

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~FR~
While I tend to agree with most of what has been said about cheaters, I thought I would point out something from my own life. My Ex and I have been apart for well roughly 5 years now. We live separately and live entirely separate lives. We are, to the best of my knowledge divorced, yet she insists we are only legally separated and are technically still married...if she's right then I would technically be cheating if I were to be with somebody else.
So, apparently, it possible to be both married and not married at the same time

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RE: Word to the Wise - 11/23/2010 12:24:59 AM

subkatslut

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Well I think the fact he is married is an aside. The bottom line is when meeting people online it takes time to fully know them before you take anything they say as fact or true and trust them.

Maybe I'm paranoid but I ask lots of questions and eventually when someone isn't being honest they'll trip themselves up all on their own. The picture I form based on their answers has to fit with their story and it's easy to spot the lies.

Did you seriously think pics were proof of anything? I think that's what gets me...that you sound shocked based on pics alone.

It's good you figured it out before so you didn't waste your time with someone who is not what you are looking for. Just remember next time to not be so gullible because being married is tame compared to some other problems you could encounter by trusting a stranger too fast on something so unreliable.

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Post #: 20

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