leadership527
Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008 Status: offline
|
Well... basically you are describing me... or at least the me of a few years ago. From reading your post, I'm still not a Dominant (capital "D", I love that ~laughs~) though because I gather that what you mean by that is "top". Still though, I had to cover a fair amount of ground to get to where I am now. Here's how it worked for us... a) How do I approach him and let him know my needs? We'd run into this all online (Secondlife), then she presented the idea of collaring her. For us, this was not an awkward conversation filled with recriminations about my lack of performance in some way. IF it would be for you two, then you're probably doomed from the beginning. I mean... seriously... this is a fairly basic sort of conversation and if the two of you cannot even say, "How about we discuss our sex life" then I can't even begin to guess how you're going to manage any sort of BDSM. In case you hadn't noticed, the phrase communication is key comes up here all the time. We don't all say that just because we have nothing else to say. For us, Carol said "how about you collar me and I'm your bottom" (she used the phrase "sex slave"). I said, "I have no interest in a sex slave... how about a 24/7 for TPE slave?" She thought about it and said, "OK." I was immediately skeptical and said, "OK, you go buy a collar IN A REAL STORE and bring it to me and I'll collar you." Honestly, I didn't think she'd do it. Imagine my surprise when we were having her birthday dinner a few weeks later and she had a gift from herself to herself *laughs*. It was a $16.95 dog collar from Petco. We still laugh about her trying to discretely figure out what size dog she was standing there in the pet store. b) and I feel like he may be afraid to hurt me... Really? Gee... go figure. A perfectly reasonable fear don't you think seeing as you are asking him to hurt you. Carol and I experimented with SM and, it turns out, it doesn't really do anything for me. Predictably, it does something for her... both sides. Even though it turned out to be a dud for us (mostly), I still had to face those same fears. The bottom line? Yet MORE communication along with taking things slow. I can tell you one of the most memorable moments for me and it may help your partner. I was at a MAST meeting and my poor vanilla sensibilities were absolutely SHOCKED when it came to the need for tarps to control blood spatter.... blood spatter!!!!! Say WHAT! As I sat there and thought about it more I considered all the entirely voluntary ways that MY blood spattered fairly regularly and nobody, including me, thought a thing of it. For instance, I'm a bit of a daredevil so me and roller blades pretty much equals road rash. As I considered a select few times I'd come home assuredly with more damage and more blood lose both than what we were talking about at that MAST meeting (and almost assuredly more pain too seeing as road rash is just plain grinding off layers of body) I had to rethink my position on a bloody whipping. If it's OK for me to go hurt myself for my own entertainment roller blading, why would it not be ok during sex? It also certainly cant' be the blood loss itself. ONly a few days ago I'd gone to the doctor and they'd taken a few vials of blood for some testing. I had to stop and consider what the room would've looked like if I'd uncapped those three vials and flung them about. Again.... probably a lot more blood spatter than the whipping we're talking about at that MAST meeting and again, other than the grossness of flinging my blood about in a doctor's office, nobody would think voluntarily losing the blood was particularly "edgy". So perhaps to sum it up, what I'd say is that you need to seriously work on your communication channels first. You'll need that anyway. Then what I'd say is with a lot of communication and a lot of going slowly and a lot of really thinking about all the other perfectly normal, perfectly acceptable ways that we hurt ourselves for fun... well.. the bottom line is that all this "edge play" that BDSM'ers talk about honestly isn't very edgy at all. I do lots of things that are both more risky from a life & limb standpoint and result in more pain/harm/whatever. I would venture to guess that the same is true for lots of folks. Certianly most anyone who even half-seriously engages in sports. Honestly, while I get how it is that the whole "edgy" thing is all hawt and whatnot and can really serve to spice things up... it really isn't so far out of the spread of normal, every day human behavior as one might think. Careful thought on your part REALLY looking at the things done regularly in the vanilla world will turn up the same answer. And, particularly in the beginning, using all sorts of dark and dangerous and edgy mental models really is counter-productive. Looking at how it's normal and vanilla is what you need in order to help him build a bridge from here to there. Like I said, if I'd rip off half my back roller blading, it's really hard to say why I wouldn't crop Carol's ass if she wanted me to. Have him ponder that. c) He is a good man. I feel it's critical to approach this the correct way. Good. Me too. And, in my opinion, the correct way is as a loving team who find each other safe, comfortable, and easy to talk to... two people who are exploring human sexuality together... and what a freakin wonderful thing to explore!
_____________________________
~Jeff I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael
|