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CaringandReal -> RE: What happens when?... (11/28/2010 7:25:09 AM)
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quote:
DMFParadox: Physical actions only happened when she was good. Same for dominance. If she was acting up I pulled away.
quote:
Anniezz338: To me, pulling away would be the ultimate punishment. I could take bruises from head to toe but the pulling away would just break my heart. I'd be busting my butt to try to fix the problem, whatever it may be.
If you read this in the context of the entire post, what's actually being talked about here is withdrawal of fun, bdsm physical acts, and the control (telling her what to do). What is not being withdrawn is emotional support, talking, affection or any other part of the relationship. The withdrawal of emotional support is a much harder thing to endure and many relationships do not weather that well, although a few do. This method makes good psychological sense in a "Total Power Exchange," which no submissive should enter unless she really wants to give up all control: it's saying to her, in essense, put your money where your mouth is. In other words, submissive of bright prospects (or grasshopper, if you prefer :p), if you really want to be controlled, then you must expend a little effort into demonstrating that you actually want this control and are capable of accepting it. Essentially, that means obeying orders.
When you say you want control but then do not obey, you're sending a message, whether you mean to or not, that you don't really want a TPE, you want to be controlled on your own terms, whenever and wherever you find it convenient. That sort of relationship is perfectly fine and works for many people as long as everyone's on the same page that this is what they both want. It is not fine in a TPE, where the agreement typically is that the submissive obeys whenever and wherever the dominant finds it convenient, not the other way around.
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DesFIP: Yeah, abandoning someone instead of helping her achieve the goal you set, now that's a great way of inspiring someone to follow you and strive for you. Not.
I beg your pardon but withdrawing sex or even control (control often equates to sex to a submissive in a TPE) is is not exactly what I would term abandonment. Nice try at mispresentation so as to knock a straw man down, however. If he abandoned her so cruelly, then why are they still having these heart-to-hearts after dinner? Why is everything in the relationship in place except his making decisions for her and dominating her sexually? Saying in response to "What should I do?," "Whatever you want!" isn't quite the same as brutally cruel remarks or total silence, now is it? Submissives who consciously enter into a very difficult type of relationship, a TPE, are not usually frail fading spoiled little flowers who are likely to experience such relatively mild treatment as abuse. A woman with large ego needs and the ulterior motives of getting those needs for attention constantly massaged AND getting her own way all the time in a total power exchange relationship might feel this way, however. But submissives who sincerely enter a TPE without such ulterior motives, who sincerely desire to give up control, to not be the center of the universe, but rather orbit around their dominant instead, understand the need for such discipline. Even if you really desire with all your heart to be completely controlled, it's still hard to do, as we're trained from birth to be such self-centered brats, and it takes time to unlearn such training. The treatment advised above: leaving all the vanilla aspects of the relationship including emotional affection in place and just removing the parts having to do with control is quite gentle compared to the standard and quite destructive "baby with the bathwater" advise dominants with unruly subs normally get on this message board: "Kick her to the curb! First infraction? She's new to TPE? NO EXCUSE! Off with her head!" (rolling eyes)
Do not forget that this behavior is being talked about in the context of a TPE where taming a submissive's sometimes-enormous and destructive (to her relationship goals) ego, self-centeredness, and bratty desires to act out or disobey in order to get her own way rather than serve the dominant tends to be more of a priority than in other styles of BDSM relationships. In another type of dynamic, perhaps one one like yours, Des, none of this may be relevant or needed, quite clearly. But he isn't talking about that sort of relationship here. He is talking about a TPE. Unless one has extensive successful experience with a TPE relationship, I highly doubt one is competent to judge what behaviors work or do not work within it. I do have extensive experience as a slave (sometimes this is called a TPE, as well). In my experience the above is a good technique, works most times, and, in the long run, doesn't hurt anybody. It's a very easy and gentle way of training a submissive to obey. Not all domiannts in TPEs are this gentle, not by a long shot. This isn't a stick, it's simply pulling back the carrot a little bit and making the horse walk a few steps to reach it. Oh how terribly cruel and abandoning to make the poor horsie take a few steps toward the carrot it wants so bad! Oh the shame of himiliating it by making it demonstrate it wants something! ... Yeah.
TPEs are serious shit--very demanding of both parties in the relationship and not easy, initially, particularly for the inexperienced. People really should not enter into them without doing a great deal of soul-searching first.
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