RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if a Dom is for real ?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if a Dom is for real ?

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RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/2/2010 12:09:13 PM

crystalclarinet

Posts: 31
Joined: 10/29/2009
Status: offline

I am not sure if there really is a good way to answer that... other than what my own experiences have been. In all cases of dealing with a Dom whether is was one into only play partners or one that was looking for a partner I was never asked to perform on this first meeting. It's acutally always been quite romantic in a sense..... not saying that it will be that way in all cases, but I think that it should.

In order for someone to give up their trust to that level there has to be a getting to know one another period. Especially if you are going end up tied up to a bed or whatever your desires are. I think there really is no real way to tell unless you go with your gut like someone else said, and also like someone else said it is not all that different from vanilla. Actually with my current Dom, who I am so in love with, we actually met on here... found out we go to the same comic shop... spent the first three months of our relationship in a pure vanilla fashion, and really right now are just getting into the BDSM stuff and have barely scraped the edge of it we are taking it slow, but because we are trying to have a normal relationship mixed with this lifestyle.

Part of it will depend on what it is that you decide you want from a relationship.... like I say so many times when I post on here.... ultimately you decide what it is that you want. Are you looking for that quick kink and crazy orgasm that you see on porn, or are you looking for that deeper relationship that can sometimes bloom from BDSM? Once you figure that out deciding how to read a Dom becomes a lot easier.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 21

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/2/2010 7:28:16 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~FR~
Like I just said to someone over in Ask a Mistress, one person's "real" is another person's "fake," and those terms are subjective at best. They mean nothing really.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to crystalclarinet)

Post #: 22

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 1:07:36 AM

Malkinius

Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline

Greetings want....

The simple answer is to turn it around. If you were looking for a Dom what things would you look for to prove to you that they are real? There are two things that I would use. First of all, do they have a history that is findable online without their giving you more than a few clues to work from and second is do they have references you can check? Take the forums here on CM for example. The people with thousands of posts and years of being a member have more credibility and background you can check than people who have been here two days and have three posts. It really doesn't matter how good, knowledgeable or real you are if you are a total unknown. The more google hits for you the more net cred you may have. It may or may not be good credibility...but it is there.

Be well.....

Malkinius

_____________________________

A questioner by inclination...An Auctioneer for the fun of it
http://www.HouseMalkinius.com The goal is community.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 23

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 5:25:10 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

"wanted to ask the ladies how do you know if a dom is for real, or if it is just some guy out there trying to get laid, what gives it away, I have been browsing the profiles and see that alot of the ladies are putting some trust in a person and then finding out that what they thought was for real turned out to be a real fake"

Well, there's no single set of rules that works for everyone or every situation, but this always becomes clear... over time. Usually less time than more, but if it takes more time and nothing tells me clearly one way or the other, I give it more time. Maybe sometimes the people who had bad experiences didn't take enough time?

"Just wanting to get laid" is a motivation that is usually in quite a hurry and such a person will not stand still and let time take its course. They'll DQ themselves or bow out long before you know whether or not they can be trusted. In that regard, going slow seems to have a failsafe built right into it (at least from this sort of person--there are many other types you might not want to attract who aren't nearly as impatient--time is still your friend in the latter circumstance, but you also need to apply careful observation and analysis).

Trusting in one's enteric nervous system (a.k.a. the gut) is good, but only if it's well educated and got a solid track record. And also, you have to be sure that your gut is really what you are listening to and not your own wish-fulfillment fantasies. That latter part can be awfully tricky.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to wantu2bemine)

Post #: 24

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 2:13:27 PM

thyla

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/20/2009
Status: offline

I feel a genuine Dominant that comfortable in the lifestyle will allow you certain ways to ensure your safety, options are, copy of his license, names of other subs he has worked with who are willing to give a reference, vanilla meeting, safe calls, etc. If he balks at you wanting to protect yourself that is a huge red flag! Also, when I started out in the lifestyle I had a bit of "sub frenzy" did stupid things took some foolish risks in my hurry to experience everything I had be dreaming about for so long. I was lucky, I know others that weren't. Don't be in a hurry, be smart, take your time!

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 25

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 2:40:30 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wantu2bemine
how do you know if a dom is for real, or if it is just some guy out there trying to get laid

I'll bite.

A real dominant doesn't care if you think he's real.

A real dominant doesn't give a flying fuck whether you act respectful to him -- yet for some reason, you act respectful to him anyway.

A real dominant thinks respecting himself is more important than having sex with you.

And, most important: a real dominant really wants to get laid.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to wantu2bemine)

Post #: 26

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 3:40:48 PM

delicatelydirty

Posts: 126
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline

I agree with the general consensus of one persons fake is another persons real ...
I have had contact with a lot of different Doms over the past few years, some I have dated, some I have had relationships and some are just mates... One thing I noticed is that dominance varies greatly and the most important thing is finding the type of dominance that works with my submission.

I seem to work best with men whose dominance is understated, they don't need to be called Sir or Master or walk around reciting I am Dom hear me roar. They are just the boss and they know it, eg here my current partner is for all intents and purposes vanilla (he doesnt identify as Dom or even really kinky) and yet he rings all my bells, in the bedroom and outside of it. I don't think my submission has ever been stronger. I believe this is because he has no preconcieved notions of what he should be, he is just himself and rather than us saying oh we are a D/s couple therefore we must do x,y,z, we just go with the flow, reading each others needs and wants. Yet I know some couples thrive in high protocol situations that would look at us and think "oh that isnt real D/s", but it is very real to me.

Point of my waffle is you need to find a person who compliments you, not only in kink but in the vanilla stuff to, then the rest just happens (oh it takes effort like any relationship but it should just feel "right")

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 27

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 4:41:15 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Hi wantu2bemine,

Here's what works for me. Other subs will have different responses:

Do
- Take the time to read my profile (I check my Who's Viewed Me) and comment on something from it.
- Take the time to fill out your profile.
- Have pictures in your profile. You can easily make them so your coworkers won't recognize you if needed.
- Use proper grammar and spelling in your profile and initial communications
- Respect my need to get to know you before we meet
- Respect my need for the first meeting to be at Starbucks and other precautions
- Be honest about your level of experience

Don't
- Invite me to chat before we've emailed
- Contact me without reading my profile
- Ask me to chat or cam or lunch or dinner in your initial email
- Attempt to bully me into calling you by doubting that I am female
- Expect sex the first time we meet
- Expect us to meet at a hotel
- Hide your marital status
- Ask me for naked pictures until we've established some intimacy
- Expect me to be submissive right off the bat. I'm not YOUR submissive yet

Because I like to be tied up and beaten, I need to be careful. Once you earn my trust, You get to make the Do's and Dont's :)

Other readers - while this may come across as a one-way street, it's really not that way for me and I am simply trying to answer the OP.

(in reply to wantu2bemine)

Post #: 28

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 8:13:21 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wantu2bemine

wanted to ask the ladies how do you know if a dom is for real, or if it is just some guy out there trying to get laid, what gives it away, I have been browsing the profiles and see that alot of the ladies are putting some trust in a person and then finding out that what they thought was for real turned out to be a real fake,

Greetings wantu2bemine,

I don't believe one knows but makes an educated guess that is paired against the prospective dominant's words and deeds. In my opinion it is next to impossible to make a concrete decision about anyone's character through this medium. At best we can say the person in question appears to be a certain way, but without a connection outside of the virtual I'd hasten to throw my support behind the individual wholeheartedly. I would suggest that one spends more time listening than speaking and be cognizant of your inner voice. Sometimes the gentleman presents himself in a manner where he seems ideal and his polish can be the tool he utilizes for disarment. Persons who employ tactics of this nature always have an arsenal. But if you're not astute or remain blinded by the desire to serve as opposed to carefully analyzing the one you might serve you can fall prey to deception.

Although the subject of who and what is fake is bantered about quite frequently, I'm often surprised that little is said about those that are seemingly accepted as genuine. In my mind that's the person you need to be wary of, not the one that's belligerent or presenting himself in a way that is sure to ruffle feathers. I've found that dominants that offer well crafted opinions and conduct themselves in a manner that suggests breeding are typically given a pass or at the very least one assumes he's legitimate when he could be the very individual you should stay far away from. I say this to illustrate an important point. Deception wears many guises. Oftentimes we've conjured an image in our mind about what is supposedly nefarious and the latter is far more harmless than what we'd willingly embrace in our bosom.

Sometimes we fail to know because we choose to ignore or we're too enamored to see what's right in front of us. In the end self gets us into these situations and it is the remedy for extraction.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to wantu2bemine)

Post #: 29

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 11:05:55 PM

Atropos19

Posts: 56
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Come on guys, quit jerking this poor guy around and just tell him about the secret handshake.

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 30

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/3/2010 11:47:43 PM

jujubeeMB

Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: wantu2bemine
how do you know if a dom is for real, or if it is just some guy out there trying to get laid

I'll bite.

A real dominant doesn't care if you think he's real.

A real dominant doesn't give a flying fuck whether you act respectful to him -- yet for some reason, you act respectful to him anyway.

A real dominant thinks respecting himself is more important than having sex with you.

And, most important: a real dominant really wants to get laid.

This. I'm applauding, but you can't hear it because you're not in this room.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 31

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/4/2010 12:28:55 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

OP -

Are you asking because you want to appear "real" to hide the fact that you're "just trying to get laid," or are you asking because you want a serious connection with someone and are afraid you're not going to stand out in the crowd? If it's the former, I don't want to help you, and if it's the latter, other people have said it: just be yourself. Be the best self that you are, and think of it as a vanilla dating site until D/s comfortably comes up. So no talking about how much you want to spank her ass until after you've shared a few laughs and had a political debate

this was my first thought as well.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)

Post #: 32

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/4/2010 4:47:13 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

I would say that he or she relates to you as a PERSON, and not to or from the role. I would also say that kinks or sex should not be discussed in the initial stages of getting to know someone, and that was advised to me when I was new by several dominants I trusted. Not all may agree. "Real" to me meant that someone was looking for what I was: a life partner, not a play partner, not a one night stand. I got rid of all the little boys trying to be dominant men, the ones who asked for a "full body shot", or if I was shaved, or an erotic writing assignment. I got more real - with what I wanted and needed.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 33

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/7/2010 3:43:34 PM

astartefinch

Posts: 10
Joined: 7/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

I have received plenty of mail from men that are just looking for a quick fix for their sexual desires,
and while this type of communication doesn't hold my interest, I dont see how that makes them any less
dominant, or fake, as you call it. How more real can one be when they are honest enough to let you know up
front that this is what they are looking for?

i agree with you completely, just because two people are not compatible, that doesn't make one of them a fake, like you I am not interested in the quick gratification of sexual desires, but I would prefer if people were honest at the start. A polite thanks but no thanks, and I wish you well is fine.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 34

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/8/2010 4:21:34 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

I would say that he or she relates to you as a PERSON, and not to or from the role. I would also say that kinks or sex should not be discussed in the initial stages of getting to know someone, and that was advised to me when I was new by several dominants I trusted. Not all may agree. "Real" to me meant that someone was looking for what I was: a life partner, not a play partner, not a one night stand. I got rid of all the little boys trying to be dominant men, the ones who asked for a "full body shot", or if I was shaved, or an erotic writing assignment. I got more real - with what I wanted and needed.

Agreed. The absolute last thing I want is a mess. So I will find out whether I am compatible on a nonsexual basis with a woman first. If and only if the compatibility is there on both sides will I proceed to see if she's a compatible play partner.

If we are not compatible, that doesn't necessarily end it. I have introduced a couple of submissive women to the local community, and each has become very active in it. Believe me, the fact that there are folks in the local community willing to vouch for me makes a big difference in making me seem more "real".

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Post #: 35

RE: Ladies, need to ask a question, how do you know if ... - 12/8/2010 1:02:36 PM

MasterTslave

Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

really if you like Him and He is all that a Dom is to you, than He is real...don't just screw on a first date....and keep in mind that everyone starts out as a newbie and if that is fine with you, that is good...He might be great or a jerk, but there is no one person that is born a Dom like with a tattoo on his back saying it is what He was born for...just use your brain and it should be fine.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 36

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