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Another new dom - 12/3/2010 6:31:17 PM   
Ordovices


Posts: 2
Status: offline 		Hello all, I'm a first time poster here, but I've been reading for some time and enjoy the discussion here.

A little bit of background on me. I've know basically my entire life that I have dom-ish tendencies, however, I've kept them largely secret. I've only ever had vanilla relationships. Anyway, recently I finally made a firm determination to explore this side of myself. Hence, I sought out this site (as well as a few others), for some real-world, practical understanding of what BDSM is and isn't. My exposure thusfar has consisted primarily of pornography, and as we all understand, that paints an incomplete picture at best.

Coincidentally, after coming to the conclusion that I'd explore this world, I've also met a woman who is in many ways the yin to my yang. We met without any idea of the other's tendencies, and have had an awesome time getting to know each other on a personal level. Even if there wasn't a romantic or sexual component to things, I'm sure we would be very good friends. We have, however, begun to share many fantasies and fetishes that we each have, and it appears we are pretty damn compatible in the kink area as well.

So. For some work/life reasons, we've been physically separated for a short time, during which we've done all this exploration of each other's kinks. This separation will be over soon, and we will be able to explore things in earnest. As such, I expect we will have our first kinky encounter shortly. It will be a first for me, but not for her.

I've been thinking about it, and we've been abstractly talking about it, and confronted with my first full-blown dom experience, I really want to make sure things go as well as possible. I want us both to enjoy ourselves, and get things started on the right foot. At this point, my intention is to take things slow, and solicit feedback at every step. Especially things she's never experienced, or which I'm not highly confident she will enjoy.

The feedback I seek from the community is the following:

- Do you have any tips for beginning a new D/s relationship in a mutually positive way?

- Are there any common pitfalls new doms commonly experience? Please, disabuse me of my naive assumptions.

- How do I best assure that her desires as a sub are fulfilled?

I understand these are broad questions, and as I get some feedback from you, I'm sure we'll be able to better clarify things. I know these questions, like most others, are probably pretty common around here, so if those more experienced in the community could point me in the direction of a few relevant threads, I'd be delighted to read those as well.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Another new dom - 12/3/2010 8:16:26 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello,
The answer to all of your questions is communication.  It sounds like you are dealing with that though.  YAY!  Be careful of nything physical / emotional you want to do.  It's a very different thing to engage in a little ass-swatting versus a full blown interrogation scene.  Get information from the physical side of things (stuff like - no hitting the spinal or kidney areas, use of different implements, needing a knife nearby to cut off rope, etc.) and emotional things (some people have trigger words you don't want to say because it will harm them emotionally, these things can be a Pandora's box of emotions - especially when we begin them). 

What I've experienced has been that sometimes the newer folks get caught up in the excitement of the coming out process.  At last we can do this thing!  YAY!  And then they lose sight of the real people / real relationship. 

You could start small with something like holding her hands behind her back while you kiss her (if she has no physical injuries) or just telling her not to move.  You could swat her bum as she walks by and see how she responds.  You could tell her to do something *now*.  You could sit back and tell her to remove her clothing one piece at a time or what to eat one bite at a time or you could simply feed her. 

Step by step.

After you've done something, you can check in with her and a simple "how was it when I X?" and my bet is she'll tell you.

Good luck and have fun... and feel free to come back and um... share the details.  *nod nod nod*  So we can help you more.  Yes, that's why.  So we can help you more. 

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Ordovices)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Another new dom - 12/3/2010 8:20:45 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Fella, it looks like you have things well in hand, and you're not misrepresenting yourself or doing anything stupid.  You don't have any ego hangups that are preventing you learning from your sub.  The only suggestions I have for you are:

1. Find out why she is driven to be a sub.  Is it that she likes to please, gets a charge from ceding control, what?  Once you know that, you'll know how to meet her needs.
2. Is she a sub/are you a Dom in the bedroom only?  If not, give her tasks - getting you a drink, etc.
3. If you live in SLC, there's bound to be a BDSM group there.  If you live in Spanish Fork, not so much.  If you can, join a local group and learn from those that are doing.

to collarme!


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Ordovices)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Another new dom - 12/4/2010 7:59:17 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In terms of what to do, I suggest you both fill out a bdsm checklist and start only with the activities you both rank highly. It doesn't have to be things you've tried, but things that attract both of you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Another new dom - 12/4/2010 3:10:08 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Ello! And welcome!


quote:

ORIGINAL: Ordovices
The feedback I seek from the community is the following:

- Do you have any tips for beginning a new D/s relationship in a mutually positive way?

- Are there any common pitfalls new doms commonly experience? Please, disabuse me of my naive assumptions.

- How do I best assure that her desires as a sub are fulfilled?


For starters, I'm with DarkSteven - the fact that you're thinking of these questions means that it looks like you're making a really good start.

For what it's worth, here are my quick responses to your three questions..

1) Communicate, communicate, communicate - If you're both exploring then you wont necesarily be that certain of where your respective limits are - so keep listening (priority number one) and keep talking (priority number 2).

Bear in mind that lots of things that seem really hawt in fantasy land can... disappoint in reality - Don't be put off, but be ready to make some mistakes. If you can both back off from something, and maybe even laugh about it then that's good.

2) Common pitfalls - not listening, pushing too hard too fast, going too slowly (ironic eh!), not taking the time to come down after play - There's a chance the sub partner will need more reassurance than you think

3) The very best way to ensure your subs desires (and ideally - needs) are fulfilled is to know what they are!

Good luck, and I really hope you enjoy your journey as much as I have.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Ordovices)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Another new dom - 12/4/2010 5:28:47 PM   
LEGALLYxBLONDE


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/5/2010
Status: offline 		very

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Another new dom - 12/4/2010 7:15:45 PM   
BurlyBill


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/1/2010
Status: offline 		First, welcome to the lifestyle and this site. I'm new to the site and have been in the life since the early 90's. I've benefited from it and hope you do, also.

The comments you've received here strike me as excellent.

You can't communicate too much. Find out what your sub wants, expects, secretly wishes for, and so on. And let her know the same things about you. Especially early on with someone, it's quite acceptable to ask how you're doing, how they're feeling, what they'd like more or less of, and so on. If doing physical things, using "red, yellow, green," can be helpful, and my subs and I have benefited from using numbers (1 through 10, with 10 being more than she can take at that time). Accept the fact that both of you will change from day to day and that you need to check each other each day.

Be patient. Take your time. Don't try to do everything all at once or even in the same session. Work up to intensity. Let her enjoy the sensations and let her respond to them. And, when a session is over, hold her, warm her, give her some chocolate (Hershey kisses were made for this, I think), and let her know that you treasure her and are grateful for the gift of her submission that she's just given you.

Read. Ask questions. Ask other Doms. Ask subs. Arrive at an understanding of what you both enjoy and what you don't. For example, I've always let my subs tell me what they would like to experience in a session. If I want the same thing, good for both of us. But they know that if I don't want to do something they want, we probably won't be doing it.

Don't restrict your D/s to the bedroom or the dungeon only. Go out for a meal. See a show. Do things together. It'll help you learn more about each other and it will help you be better partners.

Enjoy. If we don't enjoy what we are doing, why are we doing it?

Practice. A lot of what we do can be dangerous and it's quite possible to really hurt your sub. If you don't know exactly where the flogger is going to land, you probably shouldn't be using it until you do. I practiced on pillows.

Vary your play. Don't always start with the same light, "warm-up" flogger, for example. We are dealing with sensations and they can be provided by many different implements, at many different levels. You will both develop strong attachments to some toys (I like a thuddy flogger and canes and love it when my sub likes the same things), but you don't always have to use them. Surprise can be a good thing.

Again, welcome.

Bill


(in reply to Ordovices)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Another new dom - 12/4/2010 7:23:02 PM   
Ordovices


Posts: 2
Status: offline 		Guys, I really appreciate the feedback. I'm of the opinion that a well-thought-out question is more likely to garner well-thought-out responses, and you all are confirming that nicely. Again, thanks a million.

sunshinemiss, I've done some of the very early testing of the water like you described, and the responses to my little explorations were universally VERY positive. We've discussed how I intend to approach things, and my intention is to do exactly as you recommend; to talk about her limits beforehand, and make sure she knows that if we get in over her head I'll IMMEDIATELY ease off to where she's comfortable and feels safe. It's really important to me that we establish solid trust from the beginning. I want her to know that she can absolutely trust me in what can be a very vulnerable situation.

DarkSteven, thanks for the kind words! I really like the first suggestion you have, and I'm going to bring it up. You're right, understanding what she's in it for will help me understand what she needs and desires. Regarding your other comments, this is going to be a primarily bedroom-only dynamic, and that's just fine with me. Also, yes, I'm aware of a community in the SLC area, but I haven't yet made any contacts.

DesFIP, good suggestion, I'm aware of some of her particular likes, and am going to email her regarding my own fantasies. We'll start mostly with stuff that sounds exciting to us both.

crazyml, good input, I appreciate it. I'm especially intrigued by your suggestion not to go too slow. As you intimated, that sounds like a tricky balance. Care to expound a bit?

LEGALLYxBLONDE, yep, absolutely. Very very. :)

(in reply to LEGALLYxBLONDE)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Another new dom - 12/4/2010 7:27:44 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Care to expound a bit in great detail?


You forgot a couple words, so I added them for you.  I am helpful like that 

sunshine



_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Ordovices)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Another new dom - 12/5/2010 10:18:01 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Ordovices,

Thanks for your response... as for your question about not going too slow (and to satisfy the filthy curiosity of Miss Sweet as 3.14)...

The thing is, you're the D in this relationship - so ultimately, it is up to you to set the pace, drive things. If you're too tentative then there's a risk that your Sub might stop seeing you as "being in charge". But this has to be balanced against the "going too fast" warning too. Judging that balance is one of the things I found most difficult early on, and continue to find challenging in a new relationship - because the pace you can set is determined by the trust your partner has in you (which, of course, develops over time), and the confidence you have in yourself (which also develops over time).

I hope that helps?


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Ordovices)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Another new dom - 12/6/2010 6:25:31 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I hope that helps?



*devastated by the lack of details*  sigh....

I'm putting away my notebook...

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 12/6/2010 6:26:25 AM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Another new dom - 12/6/2010 6:37:44 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		understanding that kinky play is Topping and Bottoming within a limited time frame. While controlling a person within the relationship is Dominanting and Submitting.

So.... are you both just want to keep it in the bedroom.... or is it going to be an aspect of your relationship outside of the bedroom. It is also a rather grey wide line between the two.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Ordovices)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Another new dom - 12/7/2010 4:50:49 PM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		My 1st relationship failed miserably. Iwas pushing too much and was always telling her thast we both were on a road riding on bicycles and I was about 30 ft ahead, stopped , looking back towards her, waiting on her..... I tried to slow down and "ride with her" but I couldn't do it.I learned from my mistakes and go at a very nice pace at this time ( same girl btw, we got back together a year later)

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._



(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Another new dom - 12/7/2010 7:10:14 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I hope that helps?



*devastated by the lack of details*  sigh....

I'm putting away my notebook...


I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought this....I'd really like to see that notebook! lol

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Another new dom - 12/7/2010 9:21:20 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Ordovices, what a great attitude You have for a new Dom! Positively refreshing - and that shows in all the lovely replies You already have.

It IS a fine line between too much and too little, so best upfront to say You are going to adopt an initial policy of "keeping her wanting more" so she'll come back the next time for it. That leaves the door open for her to say at some point, "Please Sir, i want some more ... LOTS more!"

I know You are intending to make it bedroom only, but if she gives You any hint of wanting to serve You, then don't miss out on the pleasure of having her do so. Getting You a drink can become hot play if You have a particular way for her to fetch it and serve it to You. And applying kink to everyday chores can create a fabulous fun scene ... like the time I had My sub put the groceries away after shopping ... with his hands tied behind his back! So let Your mind go and think of some fun creative things to do too. It doesn't have to all be "whips and chains".

If You need technical advice about any activities, try the search feature here (top right corner above the flags), and if that doesn't give You the info You're seeking it will probably help You phrase the exact question to get it.

And just to help out a bit, here's a few simple suggestions for fun scenes which shouldn't be too threatening (unless she has serious body image issues that is!), and which don't require a lot of expensive gear:

1. Bath time - 2 ways to go with this, she can bathe You, soap You up all over, rub Your back, give You a massage, ie sub pampering Dom and I bet You know where that might lead! OR You can bathe her ... which might be seen as pampering the sub but on the other hand, can make her feel quite vulnerable and 'kept' as You explore all her folds with the soap and Your fingers and a nice fluffy towel and ... yeah, well, You know!

2. Shave time - can be part of scene 1 or separate - if she has body hair You'd like to see removed, You could apply some bondage and then set to with a shaving stick, shaving brush and a razor! I do recommend the old fashioned stick and brush ... so many things to tickle with the brush!

3. Kitchen time - tie her to the kitchen table or bench and then raid the cupboards and fridge for fun items and try them out. Blindfolds can be great here (unless this is one of her limits) ... you can make her guess what item You are using. Think impact toys like wooden spoons, spatulas etc, squishy things like sauces You can squirt on and lick off, and hot and cold is huge fun. Try putting a metal blunt butter knife in the freezer or in ice for a bit then use it on her (unless she has a reason to be seriously freaked by any kind of knife). Or just use an ice cube and put it in interesting places to melt or hold it above her and let it drip. Using hot on one side of the body and cold on the other (eg nipples) can be a serious mindfuck too, not too hot, obviously!

For initial bondage, You can buy some nice soft rope and wash it a couple of times to get it soft and smooth. Ends can be taped or seared to seal them. You need to read up on how to apply rope safely so it doesn't cut off blood supply. However, other alternatives are bondage tape (You'd need access to a bdsm or adult shop, or online) which wraps around and sticks to itself but doesn't stick to skin or hair. A few turns of that is quite effective as a restraint; or plastic food wrap works in a very similar way. Have a pair of safety scissors (ones with a blunt nose) on hand to cut the food wrap off in a hurry if necessary, bondage tape unwinds quite readily.

Hope that helps, and above all, have FUN!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Another new dom - 12/8/2010 2:00:38 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought this....I'd really like to see that notebook! lol



Ha! That was my thought too. I doubt it is just a single notebook... I'm thinking "Tomes" and "Voliumes"


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Another new dom - 12/8/2010 2:15:43 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Well, it ain't a punishment post-it, I'll tell you what!

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Another new dom - 12/8/2010 2:26:49 AM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		The bottom sets the direction, the top sets the speed.

I wear a yin / yang ring to remind me that one needs to keep the relationship flowing.  Each feeds the other.  If that stops, well, . . . you're done.

I also have gone "too slow" to my regret.

I also have been not expansive enough - that is, kept it in the bedroom when partner wanted to start moving toward other activities.  Once learned, I didn't forget that lesson.... when it was time to move out into other arenas, I had the boy dress in full leather - outta sight.  He thought out-on-the-town.  Nope.  He was then told to dance and strip slowly for me in TV room. Of course TV mode : OFF ! !.

Result: YEE HAW!  And, I have pics to prove it!  Talk about your trust issues!  To this day those pics reside on my computer and have never been printed out -or- gawd forbid - made it to internet.

As others have said "GREAT attitude!"  I predict you'll have only minor prolems - if any.

Welcome!  Enjoy!

Afterthought - does she have a source of info independent of you & your sources?  Of course, reading SM101 in bed together can be a fun way to learn together - BUT important for her to have her own friends that might be going through some of the same growing pains.  You, too.  Find a mentor!  www.CouncilOfTribes.com

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 12/8/2010 3:26:30 AM >

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Another new dom - 12/8/2010 5:31:34 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		That's a good job. I think that all of the punishment post-its in the world have been used up

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Another new dom - 12/8/2010 5:34:24 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Lance,

Quality response.

I really liked "The bottom sets the direction, the top sets the speed" as an idea - I think it would be a really good discussion topic in its own right.

As for ..

"I wear a yin / yang ring to remind me that one needs to keep the relationship flowing.  Each feeds the other."

It's a real treat to see some of the new-age "tree-hugging" hippy side to your persona ;-)

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 20
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