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What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 11:49:15 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		My head has come back around to this question, due to a recent munch where a person who identifies as a Dominant was looking for ideas on how to punish and others chimed in with how punishment works in their relationships. Because of my reluctance (maybe fear) of having such a dynamic and my strong need to obey, i don't personally look for or want a relationship that includes a punishment dynamic and i know that there are others on here who have a similiar mindset. That mindset, primarily because it is my own, i can understand. What i have difficulty understanding and what i would like to get a different view point on, is from those, both Dominant and submissive (Master or slave) who have a punishment dynamic in their relationships is a couple of things.

First, was/is a punishment dynamic something that you wanted in the relationship or something that came along with the person that you are in relationship with. Secondly, if it is something that you wanted or needed from the relationship, what about having a punishment dynamic appeals to you or meets a need in you. ( I would really like to hear from both Dominant and submissive viewpoint on that particular point) And thirdly, if a punishment dynamic was not something that you specifically were looking for or needing in a relationship but was more the need/focus of the other part of the relationship, how did you adjust to that, mentally, emotionally, etc.

Thank you in advance for your responses,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 11:56:33 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		We have a punishment dynamic.

I never specifically set out seeking such a relationship but here it is. It just is part of being in a relationship with him. Now that I am in it though I don't mind at all and actually find it a relief. It's nice to know that he cares so much about the things I do and who I am that he's willing to take the time to make sure I do things correctly is nice. It's nice to know that if I screw up he's going to make sure I don't do it again and once he punishes me I'm absolved but the issue is not forgotten. I love him so much that knowing he's disappointed in me kills me more than anything plus there's the fact that his punishments are not light and frilly and fun....oh hell no! I do everything I can to avoid getting them.

I've been in relationships in the past without a punishment dynamic and they never cared if I fucked up at anything. They'd just shrug their shoulders and not care at which point I'd not care either and in the end led to the demise of our relationship because it became a deteriorating cycle. We both stopped caring and the dynamic was lost. The relationship was over.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 12:05:06 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you littlewonder for your excellent reply. May i ask a fairly personal question, when you knew that having a punishment dynamic would be part of the relationship with your Master, did it cause you fear? Was it something you had to adjust to?

Thank you again for your great reply,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 12:09:10 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		No there was no fear involved and I didn't really have to adjust. I am his slave and I trust him completely. Now I do fear his punishments because one...well they're difficult and painful most times and I've disappointed him but I don't and have never feared the dynamic itself. It just came naturally for us I think. I've never had any relationship that has run as smooth and as easily as I have with him. It astounds me honestly.


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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 12:12:35 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you again for your answers, i really appreciate it.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 12:22:37 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I loathe the concept of punishment but yes, my D/s relationships do include it as part of the dynamic.

I'd ask you OP, what do you think your Dominant should do on those rare occasions when your actions provoke genuine anger within him/her? Me, I need to walk away and cool down - affectively meaning I've been punished by her.

But first I march her to a convenient corner where she sits until I've cooled down. So we are both punished; me through being disappointed and let down and her through the denial of attention and the knowledge she's wounded me. I can't fake not being angry when it happens.

OP, I think the negative press about punishment is largely an assumption that some form of corporal punishment is implied as the only form of redress. But I wouldn't dare touch my girl at all when I'm angry - she's waaaay to precious and valuable no matter how angry she's made me within the moment.

Denial of attention is a powerful tool against a submissive mindset. So it's not so much that I need a punishment dynamic as I need her to know one's in place if need be. And I reeeeeeally don't like being angry....

Focus.

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Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 1:19:28 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

First, was/is a punishment dynamic something that you wanted in the relationship or something that came along with the person that you are in relationship with. Secondly, if it is something that you wanted or needed from the relationship, what about having a punishment dynamic appeals to you or meets a need in you. ( I would really like to hear from both Dominant and submissive viewpoint on that particular point) And thirdly, if a punishment dynamic was not something that you specifically were looking for or needing in a relationship but was more the need/focus of the other part of the relationship, how did you adjust to that, mentally, emotionally, etc.


Greetings heartfelt,

In the past the idea of punishment was very challenging for me to wrap my mind around. However, accountability is a part of life and persons in a position of authority must address infractions when they occur. You see this is all walks of life and the ramifications aren't always negative, but serve as reinforcement of the standard with the requisite realignment (thought, action, skill, etc.) as determined by the controlling party. Looking at it from a practical perspective and realizing that I had no problem accepting this from other persons when appropriate led me to readdress my reluctance in my personal relationships. The result was very positive and it revolutionized my mindset on the subject as a whole.

For me it is merely a matter of trusting in His ability to function as Keeper and accepting that His manner of enforcement will rarely coincide with what I would want or wish for at a given moment. However, the results of the decisions made will be in my best interest and that reality is the foundation that I stand upon. If I begin to second guess or attempt to dictate what's permissible I'm merely usurping His authority and trying to influence the outcome based on what I believe is best or most comfortable. Actions of this nature deviate from the path He's setting and institute maverick like thinking that is independent and in opposition to His will.

One of the hallmarks of maturity is owning our actions and accepting responsibility for the things we say and do. The aftermath may be unpleasant but I trust the discomfort has a greater goal and remain fixated on that truth as opposed to the selfish one that seeks to avoid the pain in all its manifestations. As such, yes, I want Him to do what He believes is most suitable to restore order and bring my whole self into its rightful place. I'm willing to subject myself to this for one reason alone. I trust Him and sincerely believe that He is capable of instituting the command that His position entails. There's also a strange catharsis about it all. I see correction as a demonstration of love. Oftentimes people are quick to tell us what we want to hear but rarely say what is best. Knowing He will undertake actions that could be less than enjoyable for our collective benefit gives me peace and strengthens my tether to Him.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 1:22:23 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		What about a punishment dynamic bothers you or scares you the most? Is it the physical pain? The (possible) anger of the dominant? The humiliation of being treated like a child rather than as an adult?

The anger is the worst part for me to take. I got lots of this in childhood, and so anger (at least male anger) is a little phobic for me. :(

There are lots of fine dominants out there who do not choose to put a punishment dynamic in place, or if they do, a very light one. You may well end up with someone like that, unless you've already committed to someone who punishes.

I had a light punishment dynamic in my former slavery. Normally what we'd do is talk when I'd misbehaved. He'd had slaves before me and told me about his relationships with them, some were quite severe, punishment-wise, but for some reason he didn't think that was the best approach with me. I wanted a stronger punishment dynamic and even begged for it at times (for some of the same reasons littlewonder has said--it's extremely reassuring) but he didn't budge on this issue so I accepted it.

These days, the dominant people toward whom I feel compatibilty seem to be pro-punishment dynamic as a matter of course. If you find yourself with such a person, I do not think you need to fear. Even very bad pain is far easier to take when there is a close connection between you and the administrator. There's an emotional warmth, a reassurance there at those times, even if he's scolding you sternly, that is unmistakable. Some dominants probably punish with coldness, perhaps even coldness combined with pain. But even in that worst-case scenario, I would think you would know, if you had a close connection with them, that the coldness would eventually thaw, and that no amount of conditional coldness could freeze the warm connection that is at the base of all this.

_____________________________

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"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 1:23:57 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I loathe the concept of punishment but yes, my D/s relationships do include it as part of the dynamic.

I'd ask you OP, what do you think your Dominant should do on those rare occasions when your actions provoke genuine anger within him/her? Me, I need to walk away and cool down - affectively meaning I've been punished by her.

But first I march her to a convenient corner where she sits until I've cooled down. So we are both punished; me through being disappointed and let down and her through the denial of attention and the knowledge she's wounded me. I can't fake not being angry when it happens.

OP, I think the negative press about punishment is largely an assumption that some form of corporal punishment is implied as the only form of redress. But I wouldn't dare touch my girl at all when I'm angry - she's waaaay to precious and valuable no matter how angry she's made me within the moment.

Denial of attention is a powerful tool against a submissive mindset. So it's not so much that I need a punishment dynamic as I need her to know one's in place if need be. And I reeeeeeally don't like being angry....

Focus.



Thank you for your reply Focus. The two bolded parts struck me as very interesting. Had never thought of the first one at all, and although i have heard of the second one, it makes a having a punishment dynamic, like a first strike defense against misbehavior, even if it never has to be used.

Thank you again for your reply,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 1:32:39 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It doesn't work for me. I prefer a win/win solution where we solve the problem. Punishment is the least effective way of changing things. In fact, I will go so far as to say that it is a mark of a lazy dominant. It takes a lot more work to teach someone to succeed than it does to order them to do something and punish them for not knowing how. Or for not having explained something and expecting them to be a mind reader.

I just read a post on another site where the sub was punished for anticipatory service when the dom had never told her not to do it. That's wrong. If he couldn't be bothered to tell her never to make a suggestion or try to be helpful, that's his fault when she didn't know it. He just punished her, he never explained what she should do in the future.

Nor is punishment an excuse for breaking hard limits, which is also seen a lot.

Over the years, the problems we've had where he mainly could have punished have been always due to miscommunication. He didn't explain fully or my understanding of what he said was entirely different than what he used by the term. He asked me during the baseball playoffs to look up when his team was playing. I responded that it was dark that night, meaning a Broadway term referring to no performance. He got upset believing it was blacked out in our area. Should I have been punished for not understanding what he meant?

The other thing that he could sometimes punish me for is for being short tempered. However, invariably I get that way because I'm thirsty, hungry or overtired. Should I be punished for him not stopping for lunch? Punished because my blood sugar dropped? Not in my book. Here we keep an eye on the time and now schedule in breaks so that this won't happen.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 1:34:10 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

Greetings heartfelt,

In the past the idea of punishment was very challenging for me to wrap my mind around. However, accountability is a part of life and persons in a position of authority must address infractions when they occur. You see this is all walks of life and the ramifications aren't always negative, but serve as reinforcement of the standard with the requisite realignment (thought, action, skill, etc.) as determined by the controlling party. Looking at it from a practical perspective and realizing that I had no problem accepting this from other persons when appropriate led me to readdress my reluctance in my personal relationships. The result was very positive and it revolutionized my mindset on the subject as a whole.

For me it is merely a matter of trusting in His ability to function as Keeper and accepting that His manner of enforcement will rarely coincide with what I would want or wish for at a given moment. However, the results of the decisions made will be in my best interest and that reality is the foundation that I stand upon. If I begin to second guess or attempt to dictate what's permissible I'm merely usurping His authority and trying to influence the outcome based on what I believe is best or most comfortable. Actions of this nature deviate from the path He's setting and institute maverick like thinking that is independent and in opposition to His will.

One of the hallmarks of maturity is owning our actions and accepting responsibility for the things we say and do. The aftermath may be unpleasant but I trust the discomfort has a greater goal and remain fixated on that truth as opposed to the selfish one that seeks to avoid the pain in all its manifestations. As such, yes, I want Him to do what He believes is most suitable to restore order and bring my whole self into its rightful place. I'm willing to subject myself to this for one reason alone. I trust Him and sincerely believe that He is capable of instituting the command that His position entails. There's also a strange catharsis about it all. I see correction as a demonstration of love. Oftentimes people are quick to tell us what we want to hear but rarely say what is best. Knowing He will undertake actions that could be less than enjoyable for our collective benefit gives me peace and strengthens my tether to Him.

Namaste,

~porcelaine




Thank you for your reply. Your first paragraph really spoke to me and it makes a great deal of sense, if i have a boss at work who has to speak to my behavior (although personally i don't like that either), but i accept it (or i did before i became self-employed) and change my behavior accordingly. But in those instances, there is rarely if ever anger. They speak to me as a mature adult and as a mature adult, i adjust my behavior. i have no problem with the concept of correction of behavior when does in an anger free, physical free (ie no physical punishment) manner.

Your second paragraph i think speaks to this issue, that i would want to control how any correction is made (ie that it not be physical) i lived through being physically abused as a child (supposedly punished for my own good when i was not in a position to be able to control how it was done) and as i type that, i realize that is at the heart of my issue with punishment.

My initial question stemmed from wanting to know why some people actually want a punishment dynamic from both sides and i thank you for also addressing some of that in your reponse.

Thank you again,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 1:39:46 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

What about a punishment dynamic bothers you or scares you the most? Is it the physical pain? The (possible) anger of the dominant? The humiliation of being treated like a child rather than as an adult?

The anger is the worst part for me to take. I got lots of this in childhood, and so anger (at least male anger) is a little phobic for me. :(



Caring,

Thank you for your reply. i realized as i was typing my response to porcelaine that the reason that i am so personally opposed to a punishment dynamic, is because of the physical abuse that i lived with as a child which was called punishment, when i was not in a place where i had control over what was going to happen. For many years, i refused to indentify as a slave, even though that is how i act, because of my fear of someone who would want a punishment dynamic. If i was "just" a submissive and not their slave, i could say no, no physical punishment dynamic is allowed, talk to me like an adult and i will correct whatever action that i made that was displeasing. That felt safe, i could do that.

More and more as i look inwardly, i realize that i am really a slave that that is what i truly desire to be, i just keep stumbling over certaini issues. i now realize that when i ever find the Dominant/Master that is for me, that i can explain the situation and the fear, now that i see the root of it and then leave it in his hands to do what he thinks is best given what is inside me.

Thank you again for your reply, i really can relate to being afraid of male anger.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 2:18:37 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Thank you for your reply. Your first paragraph really spoke to me and it makes a great deal of sense, if i have a boss at work who has to speak to my behavior (although personally i don't like that either), but i accept it (or i did before i became self-employed) and change my behavior accordingly. But in those instances, there is rarely if ever anger.


Greetings heartfelt,

You're more than welcome. Getting to that point wasn't an easy journey for me because I saw it from a logical standpoint that didn't take into account the other avenues where the same took place without resistance on my end. The ability to compare and contrast things within and outside of my dynamics has helped me to reconcile areas of discomfort successfully.

quote:

Your second paragraph i think speaks to this issue, that i would want to control how any correction is made (ie that it not be physical) i lived through being physically abused as a child (supposedly punished for my own good when i was not in a position to be able to control how it was done) and as i type that, i realize that is at the heart of my issue with punishment.


Given your background it's easy to understand why this is a challenging for you and I wouldn't be too hard on myself. Instead I'd recognize the past is rearing its head and reaffirm the fact that you will move forward and overcome the things that frighten or hinder your steps. Although I haven't experienced the same, I've noticed that the men I find most attractive are stern and usually unyielding to a large degree. While I understand the draw there's a downside and the biggest problem I've had are those that yell. I detest screaming. It makes me cringe when men do it and catapults me into a weird head space.

I'm uncertain why this happens. In the past I would detach when it occurred but I've learned to remain present and endure it on a different level. Whereby I recognize his disappointment stems from the infraction and not in me. I understand the area of correction has incited his wrath and realize without its occurrence the shores would be calm. This prevents me from entertaining ideas that inflict punishment where none is warranted or within my capacity to dispense.

quote:

My initial question stemmed from wanting to know why some people actually want a punishment dynamic from both sides and i thank you for also addressing some of that in your reponse.


I don't believe it's a matter of consciously wanting a punishment dynamic. I'm merely at the point where I refuse to tie His hands. My reactance only brought confusion and an array of emotional responses that I could have avoided by letting go and allowing Him to smooth my ridges. Acceptance has opened a door and shut another. It's impossible to return to what I once knew now that the truth has taken root. In many respects its narrowed my options rather than expanded them. I've found it's much harder to unearth that level of consistency and order. But those hellbent on waging personal tug-o-wars will find the pickings are plentiful.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/4/2010 5:06:50 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:


First, was/is a punishment dynamic something that you wanted in the relationship or something that came along with the person that you are in relationship with.

Secondly, if it is something that you wanted or needed from the relationship, what about having a punishment dynamic appeals to you or meets a need in you. ( I would really like to hear from both Dominant and submissive viewpoint on that particular point)

And thirdly, if a punishment dynamic was not something that you specifically were looking for or needing in a relationship but was more the need/focus of the other part of the relationship, how did you adjust to that, mentally, emotionally, etc.


No, and in a different relationship I might very well dislike it intensely.

Although I'd never given it any great thought, it works extremely well with the person I've been with for years. The reason it works is that it goes hand in hand with all the REST of him and all the other more IMPORTANT things makes up the way we interact, live and enjoy life.
I wouldn't say that punishment, inandofitself *appeals* to me but I know that it works in our little herb garden.

I didn't have to make any adjustments to live with it, it was something that evolved as the *most effective way*. HE doesn't *need* to punish or dole out penalties either. It's really just a case of * this works*. He worked with what he had and so did I.

The happiness we have is based in that he is leading, whether I like it or not sometimes, and I follow him, whether I like it or not sometimes and if I take the odd detour, he shunts me back where he wants me.

He rarely ever gets angry with me, but I rarely incite it. We both know what to expect from each other for good or ill.

I'm not a submissive character and don't have any great desire or need to *please* him or serve him, a lot of my focus is on *pleasing* myself.......therefore, if there's a penalty attached something, I tend to pay a GREAT deal of attention to it. I'm afraid that *being a bit pissed off* isn't going to have the same affect as the the thought of 20 lashes with something nasty.

His thoughts are that it's ME that ends up *uncomfortable*, not him, so why would HE be upset? I'm sorry that I have had to go through it on the very odd occasion, but it's not as if I couldn't avoid it. 

It does tend to make the odd abberation much rarer.

agirl










< Message edited by agirl -- 12/4/2010 5:12:37 PM >

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/5/2010 1:18:16 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		i dont really use the term punishment dynamic but as part of our relationship if i do somthing wrong i hurt him and i hurt myself because of it he will take time out to get his head together when i am not allowed ot alk or ask him things etc etc when hes back so to speak can be anything from 5 mins to a coupel of hours depends (and it doesnt happen that often) it will then be over for him but he knows i need a final ending as i feel so bad for ahving caused it i will recieve someform of actual punishment for me its an ending and i know things are good again

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/5/2010 6:10:19 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for your reply, agirl. Given how you have described both your relationship and your general nature, i can see how it can be affective in your relationship and how it is part of a whole. i have seen in a number of "Dominant" profiles how strongly they stress how strict they are, which seems to place a punishment dynamic in an entirely different light than how it is implemented in your relationship.

Thank you again for your reply,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/5/2010 1:02:30 PM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


I'd ask you OP, what do you think your Dominant should do on those rare occasions when your actions provoke genuine anger within him/her? Me, I need to walk away and cool down - affectively meaning I've been punished by her.


I have to ask why you punish your submissive for your lack of control, Just because your angry even if shes done it on purpose, has really little to do with her, if you need to cool down thats on you and how you control your emotions, your emotional response isn't dependent or due to any other person but yourself. So why do you punish your submissive because you dont know how to respond to your anger in a positive way?

OP I was in a punishment dynamic when I first entered this lifestyle, I will never be in one again. I strive to obey and make my partner happy, I do not go out of my way to make my partners life unhappy or to make him angry upset or frustrated with me. If any of those things come about that is not my intent or from my provoking. Because of that a punishment dynamic would be moot. Because he would be punishing for genuine mistakes and i would become rather resentful and spiteful within the relationship. Because as a Dom he shouldnt make mistakes either, however when he makes one theres no repercussion like there is for me.

My first partner, If things werent done exactly to his liking I got a beating, If things were exactly to his liking, I got a.. Beating... and He never really explained if I was getting beat because he was happy or because he was upset. This was a flaw within that dynamic. He also never explained how to do things exactly to his liking.

Ive had the concept of punishment brought up by several potential partners, who I had to decline a relationship with for that simple fact, It wasnt because of fear, its because they and I could come up with no way where punishment would be helpful and not hurtful, all I need is a few very simple words like Pet, enough or Pet, stop.... and like magic I obey. Or we talk about why the situation has come about like two adults have been known to do and expectations are clearly mapped out.....


_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

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RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/5/2010 5:38:11 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		I do not enter into a punishment dynamic in most cases but I have before.  I really don't like having to punish, I feel that I have failed just as much as she has.   I am a sadist, so I would never use physical pain as a form of punishment, after all, it's my fault too and I am not going to use my mess up as an excuse to do something I enjoy.  I think Focus said most of what I would say fairly well.



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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/6/2010 1:04:04 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


I'd ask you OP, what do you think your Dominant should do on those rare occasions when your actions provoke genuine anger within him/her? Me, I need to walk away and cool down - affectively meaning I've been punished by her.


I have to ask why you punish your submissive for your lack of control, Just because your angry even if shes done it on purpose, has really little to do with her, if you need to cool down thats on you and how you control your emotions, your emotional response isn't dependent or due to any other person but yourself. So why do you punish your submissive because you dont know how to respond to your anger in a positive way?

OP I was in a punishment dynamic when I first entered this lifestyle, I will never be in one again. I strive to obey and make my partner happy, I do not go out of my way to make my partners life unhappy or to make him angry upset or frustrated with me. If any of those things come about that is not my intent or from my provoking. Because of that a punishment dynamic would be moot. Because he would be punishing for genuine mistakes and i would become rather resentful and spiteful within the relationship. Because as a Dom he shouldnt make mistakes either, however when he makes one theres no repercussion like there is for me.

My first partner, If things werent done exactly to his liking I got a beating, If things were exactly to his liking, I got a.. Beating... and He never really explained if I was getting beat because he was happy or because he was upset. This was a flaw within that dynamic. He also never explained how to do things exactly to his liking.

Ive had the concept of punishment brought up by several potential partners, who I had to decline a relationship with for that simple fact, It wasnt because of fear, its because they and I could come up with no way where punishment would be helpful and not hurtful, all I need is a few very simple words like Pet, enough or Pet, stop.... and like magic I obey. Or we talk about why the situation has come about like two adults have been known to do and expectations are clearly mapped out.....


My *lack* of control...?

And it's got little to do with her even if she's angered me on purpose...?

<sheesh>

Let's just pretend dom/mes are allowed to be human and have emotions etc (just sayin'). I don't regard myself as having a temper but yes, there are occasions I get angry, including through something the girl has done. Despite your creative reasoning, I regard myself as having a structured method of dealing with it - one that *works*.

I don't lift the big weights anymore but I'm still a big, strong man. Lack of control is where I just give her a backhander (or 5) and to hell with how much the adrenalin might be pumping through anger. Riiiiiight...! No-one gets a punishment beating in my household. Was that not the point you're argueing against?

Seems to me you're projecting all the negatives of your first partner onto potential new ones without even giving them their due. And onto me, too.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What do you get out of having a punishment dynamic - 12/6/2010 1:13:56 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


My *lack* of control...?

And it's got little to do with her even if she's angered me on purpose...?

<sheesh>

Let's just pretend dom/mes are allowed to be human and have emotions etc (just sayin'). I don't regard myself as having a temper but yes, there are occasions I get angry, including through something the girl has done. Despite your creative reasoning, I regard myself as having a structured method of dealing with it - one that *works*.

I don't lift the big weights anymore but I'm still a big, strong man. Lack of control is where I just give her a backhander (or 5) and to hell with how much the adrenalin might be pumping through anger. Riiiiiight...! No-one gets a punishment beating in my household. Was that not the point you're argueing against?

Seems to me you're projecting all the negatives of your first partner onto potential new ones without even giving them their due. And onto me, too.

Focus.


Her angering you in your own words is her "punishing you" there for you feel the need to exact revenge Again in your own words for her angering you and you feeling the need to walk away....so you put her in the corner for your inability to control your anger... Your doing it not because she deserves punishment but because you feel the need to punish both yourself and her because shes made you angry...

Physical punishment isnt the only form of punishment in the world. What does she learn by being put in the corner other then shes made you angry? what does she learn by being placed in that spot? Other then you put people in the corner when your angry?

There are several forms of punishment that can bring about desired results in behavior modification, however when punishment is inflicted it needs to teach as well as be a deterrent, your situation is not offering either other then you feeling the need to Punish her as well because shes made you angry. Wither or not I prefer or will engage in a punishment dynamic isnt me projecting, its me using your own words you ask you a question.  One youve chosen to evade by making it about physical violence and that being the only way to express lack of control when it comes to expressing anger.

In my punishment dynamic i was punished both verbally and physically but mostly physically, however your punishment does not express physical punishment at all only.... humiliation for your percieved notion of her punishing you by making you angry... You could very easily leave her where she stands or sits while you cool down. You feel the need in your lack of control to place her in a humilating situation  (corner time stops being effective at what age 5) While you cool down....



_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 20
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