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New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/7/2010 6:00:39 PM

AnastasiaJay

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/7/2010
Status: offline

I'm a twenty-one year old female who has only had sex with one person, with whom I am currently involved in a messy breakup after three years together. I have always been interested in bdsm, always fantasized about being tied up, and especially love forced orgasm, chastity belts, and breast bondage -- at least as far as videos I've watched. However, I have no idea how to get into the community, no idea where to find people to help me learn more. I'm sure there are lots of things I'd be interested in that I've not yet even heard of. Also, I recently watched the documentary "Fetishes" and was wondering if other places like Pandora's Box in NYC exist.

If there's a section of the website devoted to clearing up the troubles of noobs like me, I'm sorry, and please direct me there. Looking forward to future experiences.

Post #: 1

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/7/2010 6:42:13 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

You have found the place. Welcome to the boards.

Just a word of caution. You are about to get your inbox SLAMMED. be picky and take it slow. be safe. Trust your instincts.

Only meet people for the first time in a PUBLIC venue in a vanilla setting.
'
More advice will follow from others.

(in reply to AnastasiaJay)

Post #: 2

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/7/2010 8:34:38 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

Welcome to Collarme Anastasia. This site is a great place to read/share
thoughts and ideas in regards to bdsm. There is a great search feature in the
upper right hand corner if you are looking to read up on anything specific.
Also, this link will provide you with any events that may be in your local area.
http://www.drkdesyre.com/index.htm

And as our resident Hard White Cock has pointed out, be very careful.
What looks like fun on film has alot to do with great actors and actresses.
You may feel you are ready to toss your inhibitions to the wind, but please
hold on tight to your common sense. Don't feel obligated to do anything you
arent comfortable doing simply because a man calls himself a dominant.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to AnastasiaJay)

Post #: 3

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/7/2010 8:42:44 PM

Cuffkinks

Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline

Welcome.
You're in the right place... So read, ask, share, and learn.
You're about to start on a journey that will change your life. Just be careful. As others have said, trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, don't let anyone pressure you into it. Most of all...Have fun!
Be safe and enjoy!

_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 4

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/7/2010 8:49:19 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Hi Anastasia

Welcome to the boards! Well done on finding us, it's a great resource.

I second the idea of getting out and meeting people, so I hope the link you were given helps, or you can try googling bdsm and your location. Look first for a munch, which is when a group of bdsmers meet in a regular venue for a drink and a chat, and sometimes a meal. Most munches like you to dress in regular clothes (basic black is always a great standby) so as not to draw attention to the group. It's an opportunity to meet people and for them to meet you and possibly decide if you are OK to be invited to a play party. Naturally bdsmers are cautious as few could afford to be outed for their interests, so don't be offended at the "vetting process". Remember, it will protect you later! At a munch, don't just make a beeline for whom you perceive to be male Doms (assuming that's your interest), be ready to strike up a conversation with anyone. A new sub can learn a LOT from other subs! Keep your ears and mind open and decide ahead of time what you want to be called (doesn't have to be your real first name for eg), and what are no-go questions for you (eg what you do for a living, where you live) or devise suitably vague answers for those questions.

Finally, I thoroughly agree with the advice to take it slowly, even though that can be hard to do when you finally get into the situation of living out some of these fantasies. Don't be easy prey, keep your brain engaged, and if you want, run things past us here - we're all pretty experienced at seeing red flags!

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 5

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/7/2010 8:54:49 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Anastasia, you live in FLORIDA, which along with NY, CA, and MI, seems to have a preponderance of kinksters. You're young... in other words, count on generating a LOT of interest.

Just do some Googling to find munches. Make sure that there's a vanilla connection with the lucky one you pick from the hordes of Doms slavering at your feet.

Note that there is a LOT to the lifestyle in addition to the play aspects.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 6

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 11:52:21 AM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline

Yep, this is the place......I joined here in 2004, this is my second profile due to logon issues......I lurked on the boards for a good 6 months, just reading the posts to get information. There are a lot of great people here who can give you all the advice you need and want. My inbox is always open, if you want to ask there, too.

The best piece of advice right now I can add has been said, but not enough! TRUST YOUR GUTS!!!!!! If there are red flags popping up, then heed them. Contrary to what you'll be told, you DO NOT have to submit to just anyone, be it at the first e-mail, IM, or meeting. First and foremost, you are a person. And there are all sorts of guys out there that will expect you to do all sorts of things, just because they call themselves a dom.

It is not wrong to have standards that one person must meet. Contrary to belief, we in the lifestyle aren't that different from vanillas. We are seeking the same relationship goals, someone compatible with us, that wants the same thing we do, companionship and love. Standards and limits are NOT the same thing. And it's not wrong to have both.

Welcome to the boards and to CM.....this is a great place!

_____________________________

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"...people are starting to take it as a challenge!

*Not a fuck was given.*

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 12:01:47 PM

81song

Posts: 293
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline

Wecome and lik many have said take it easy and slow and above all read as much as you can on this subect and ask anything that is on your mind. That is how we all learn.

(in reply to soul2share)

Post #: 8

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 1:15:54 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Welcome.......my absolute best suggestion, get to know some of the more experienced submissives. And NOT the ones that are looking to reel in new recruits for their dominant/master/mistress. Make friends. Listen to them talk about their experiences. Listen to them. Spend time on here and read.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to AnastasiaJay)

Post #: 9

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 1:39:51 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

What others have said here, and to be honest, if you want to explore maybe talk to a pro-domme, a lot of them will reduce the rates greatly for a female sub, possibly even play with you for free, and show you different techniques and explain what you have to be aware of, what you want to avoid, which might give you a good start when you explore on your own and every guy will tell you that he's your dream dom...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 10

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 2:03:30 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

I'm looking into a club here in my area. Someone said I may want to contact them to find other subs I could talk to first, before I go to an actual munch. I thought it was a good idea and I'm going to fly with that.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 11

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 2:10:45 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I'm looking into a club here in my area. Someone said I may want to contact them to find other subs I could talk to first, before I go to an actual munch. I thought it was a good idea and I'm going to fly with that.

Great idea, safety in numbers

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 12

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 2:31:29 PM

AnastasiaJay

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/7/2010
Status: offline

Cool! I'm happy you're all so friendly and willing to help.

One of the first things -- and this may be a stupid question, so forgive me -- but I was wondering at the difference between a sub and a slave. I definitely identify as submissive, though all the sex I've had was pretty vanilla (we played with tying up and gentle spanking, but nothing serious) and what I gather of the difference is that slaves are... more committed subs, for lack of a better explanation. i.e., slaves are submissive at all times, outside of the bedroom, as a lifestyle, whereas subs, maybe not. There are things about bdsm that scare me, and things I'm not sure I'd be able to get over (I'm not sure I'm okay with sharing a partner, for example - I'm looking for a one-on-one connection and not a dom who has a thousand subs/slaves). Great ideas so far, and I'll definitely keep a lookout for a munch... very nervous about the non-anonymity of showing my face though! haha.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 13

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 2:45:29 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Relax, not all BDSM relationships are the same, just like not all vanilla relationships are...

As for being nervous about a munch, why are you nervous about showing your face? All the people attending will be into BDSM and I'm willing to bet they are as eager as you are to not walk around with a big sign saying "I'm into BDSM"

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to AnastasiaJay)

Post #: 14

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 2:54:27 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello, and welcome!

quote:

ORIGINAL: AnastasiaJay
One of the first things -- and this may be a stupid question, so forgive me -- but I was wondering at the difference between a sub and a slave.

No, that's not a stupid question - you'll find it's one of the questions we fight about, and disagree about most often here on the boards.

My advice - for what its worth - don't worry at this stage, focus on discovering the things that you want, that are important to you - In due course you might find yourself identifying as a slave, a sub or any of a whole bunch of other categories!

Oh and I have to second the advice you've already been given - You will get a LOT of attention, and a lot of it will be from buffoons, some of it will be from proper dyed-in-the-wool crazies, and some will be from interesting, sane, sexy dom types. It'll take some patience, but the interesting, sane, sexy dom types are out there.

We're often found here on the boards as it happens ;-)

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to AnastasiaJay)

Post #: 15

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 6:03:03 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'm committed to him all the time, and fairly obedient at all times. But I identify as a sub, not a slave.

My own line between slave and sub is pretty sarcastic but here goes. A sub is someone who won't do what I will and a slave is someone who will do what I won't. I've started defining it this way after reading more than enough one up manships by s types who claim that they are real and true and I'm not because they'll have unprotected sex with anyone their partner tells them to. Or they'll shoplift if told to. And other such idiocies. Unfortunately there are several of those types here.

Basically take advice from the people who you think say smart things, and ignore the others.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 16

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 6:47:21 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338
I'm looking into a club here in my area. Someone said I may want to contact them to find other subs I could talk to first, before I go to an actual munch. I thought it was a good idea and I'm going to fly with that.

Just a thought annie... As the "vanilla guy" I had a lot of trepidations about attending our first munch. As it turned out, they were pointless. It was just a bunch of nice folks discussing a shared interest. At least at the munch I went to, there was no need to be prepared in any way. There was nothing to be "safe" about or with. It was some adults in a restaurant. It was no more threatening than going out to any sort of public event.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 17

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 6:58:15 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AnastasiaJay
One of the first things -- and this may be a stupid question, so forgive me -- but I was wondering at the difference between a sub and a slave. I definitely identify as submissive, though all the sex I've had was pretty vanilla (we played with tying up and gentle spanking, but nothing serious) and what I gather of the difference is that slaves are... more committed subs, for lack of a better explanation. i.e., slaves are submissive at all times, outside of the bedroom, as a lifestyle, whereas subs, maybe not.

Exactly as Crazy said... not a stupid question. It's also not a question that there is an answer to. Take me for instance. I have identified as Master/slave for the last three years. I'm now reconsidering that and may opt for dominant and submissive or simply "mates". My changing of the labels in no way changes the reality of my marriage. Carol didn't become someone new yesterday. Neither did I. We are still in a tightly committed marriage. She still obeys me in all things. I'm just thinking that the master/slave model isn't really what I want anymore. It's too civilized for the thing I'm after. It also is too antagonistic. But all of this is me simply playing with semantics. The reality of our marriage exists independent of the words I use to describe it.

So with us, you have a couple who was M/s and is now D/s and nothing has changed. That oughta tell you what the difference between sub and slave is :)

quote:

There are things about bdsm that scare me, and things I'm not sure I'd be able to get over

Here's a thought. EVERYTHING is scary in theory. When one thinks about submission IN THEORY, then one needs to consider all the possible "masters" one might find and all the possible things those masters might do... yeah... scary stuff. Carol, however, doesn't need to worry about that. She only needs to think about ME and what ME... the guy who adores the bejeebers out of her... might do. That's a lot less scary even if I do have total control.

Another way to look at the same thing goes like this. When you're thinking about what you theoretically might do for some theoretical master, then you are extending unearned trust to an unknown person. Yeah... clearly that's only going to go so far. Carol, on the other hand, extends trust to me based on a gradual accumulation of actual historical fact. Her opinions about me and the likelihood I'd do something bad for her are well founded in actual fact. Her trust is well founded and so she doesn't get the "I'm standing on thin air" feeling.

I may or may not have Carol perform for another guy or bring another woman into our marriage or have her strip in a public restaurant or [insert troublesome command here]. But what is inconceivable to Carol is that I would do such a thing casually or without a great deal of forethought as to how this was going to play out for her. I'm not a casually thoughtless guy and she knows that by now.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to AnastasiaJay)

Post #: 18

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 9:00:52 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338
I'm looking into a club here in my area. Someone said I may want to contact them to find other subs I could talk to first, before I go to an actual munch. I thought it was a good idea and I'm going to fly with that.
Just a thought annie... As the "vanilla guy" I had a lot of trepidations about attending our first munch. As it turned out, they were pointless. It was just a bunch of nice folks discussing a shared interest. At least at the munch I went to, there was no need to be prepared in any way. There was nothing to be "safe" about or with. It was some adults in a restaurant. It was no more threatening than going out to any sort of public event.

I hear you. No matter how I go about it, I just need to do it. I'm still going to be nervous...that's inevitable...lol. I'm going to shoot for the duck on water thing. On the surface, I'll glide along, just be myself and try to relax..but underneath I'm going to be paddling my ass off.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 19

RE: New and curious -- show me the ropes? - 12/8/2010 11:00:01 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AnastasiaJay

Cool! I'm happy you're all so friendly and willing to help.

One of the first things -- and this may be a stupid question, so forgive me -- but I was wondering at the difference between a sub and a slave.

Ask ten people and you'll get twenty answers on THAT kettle of fish. *laughs* May I suggest not worrying about labels until you have some experience under your belt and you've seen how people identify and how they behave themselves in person for about six months?

quote:

I definitely identify as submissive, though all the sex I've had was pretty vanilla (we played with tying up and gentle spanking, but nothing serious) and what I gather of the difference is that slaves are... more committed subs, for lack of a better explanation. i.e., slaves are submissive at all times, outside of the bedroom, as a lifestyle, whereas subs, maybe not.

That *really* depends on who you ask. If you ask me... what you just said is bunk for reasons I'm not listing here lest this turn into another 50 page sub v. slave thread.

But a lot of people would also really agree with it. In the end, it just matters how you and the person you are involved with defines things.

quote:

There are things about bdsm that scare me, and things I'm not sure I'd be able to get over (I'm not sure I'm okay with sharing a partner, for example - I'm looking for a one-on-one connection and not a dom who has a thousand subs/slaves).

Nobody is going to make you share if you don't want to. Just like in 'vanilla-land', you look for someone who shares your views. If having a mono relationship is important to you, seek that out. There are lot of people who want that. Just make sure that you talk about what falls under sharing - while it's positively not a bad thing to not want your partner to scene casually (ie. not sex, just flogging) it's not the sort of thing you want a misunderstanding about, ya know?

quote:

Great ideas so far, and I'll definitely keep a lookout for a munch... very nervous about the non-anonymity of showing my face though! haha.

Munches and great and try not to worry about the non-anonymity. Remember, everyone there is there because they are into this too! Since they take place in a public restaurant if someone were to magically know that it was a kinky group and try to give you trouble about it, you can always pass it off as "Oh I went in and saw and friend so I went to sit with them. I didn't know they were kinky - how did you know!"

If you can, get in touch with the munch leaders and send a few e-mails back and forth. In my experience the people who run munches really care about the groups and the people in them so I'm sure they will be happy to answer any questions you have and to reassure you. If you tell them when you are coming, they can be on the lookout for you and make sure that you are included in the discussions.

Best of luck and welcome to the forums - I hope you find tons of answers and great friends here.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to AnastasiaJay)

Post #: 20

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