quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I can tell you from personal 1st hand experience, that they are limiting themselves, yes there is a bit of acting involved to set the right mood, but a client will not open up and tell you about his desires and all that if you are the stereotype, also if you are acting too much and portrait something you are not, you're burning out, a lot of the clients know if somebody is just putting on a front or if somebody is into it.

You have to be authentic, you can be technically perfect but if you loath what you are doing and you are changing your personality to be the stereotype you think all clients want, you're not going to last very long, because not every client wants the same and it's too much of a toll on yourself. I only accepted sessions that I knew would work for me too. Sure, I could possibly have had more sessions if I would have accepted all requests, but I refused to wear latex, I didn't do "intimate bodyworship", AB, and quite a lot of other stuff, I could have had more "one off" sessions but I preferred regulars.

To be honest, I never met a domme who lasted very long when she couldn't be herself and her professional persona was too different from how she really is. Yes you do need to have a certain wardrobe, tools and toys and expertise because you get paid.

Since you mention 2 ladies have said that, I think they are more the exception, most of the dommes I know, their "professional domme persona" is not all that different from their real persona, it's like any other job, if you can't be yourself, you're going to burn out.

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To me, a true Mistress is also a true WOMAN! Confident, strong-minded, classy, independent, intelligent, attractive, yet very gracious and sophisticated! A woman who's NATURALLY dominant, alpha woman, if you want.
Don't know how else to explain this, but I've been very successful in my relatively short life (I'm 27), and for me to truly submit to a person, I would have to look at that person as being somewhat superior, someone who can truly stimulate my mind

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.Am I just really unlucky, or is that a common trend among Mistresses? Are my standards set too high? ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien

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ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
It is entirely possible that the women you have met are exactly as you feel they are, but, there's probably more to them than that.

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ORIGINAL: Lockit

LOL Damien, I'm sorry you feel you are the prince of Monaco and are looking for a princess Grace and feel that a back handed bitch slap towards dominant women will gain you the presence of the perfect domina or piss off the others. lol

You describe yourself as sophisticated, with a calm demeaner, intelligent, very sucessful and thrive in sophisticated environments. I wouldn't call your post a smart or sophisticated thing to do and don't believe it was calm. It was more fitting to your bad-boy nickname than anything else.

A classy or sophisticated man with any intelligence at all would know that to barge in and announce how anal they were about perfection, appearances and pompousness, wasn't the smartest thing to do, especailly if he were looking for that Princess Grace type. Therefore, if you are these things, you must have been coming for a different reason, which I must assume is that bab-boy looking for a smack down so that he could passive aggressively come back with the argument that those damn domina's were classless jerks with all sorts of emotional issues. lol

As for your question if your standards set too high... you think we are going to say yes to that? lol We answer too high and you just got us to admit we are all those things you said those women you met were. No, I don't think answering that question is a smart or sophisticated because I think it is the wrong question.

Your question should be... do you think I am being realistic? The answer to that is, no. It isn't realistic to think that a post such as your own was a true attempt to solve anything and it isn't realistic to think that you can come in and state how a domina must be according to your expectations or she is all those things you said disqualified those other women. It also, isn't realistic to think you could outsmart everyone so easily or rile us up.

Welcome to CM... It will be what you make of it. If you wish to be anal about getting some anal, I hope you are flexible.

Signed... the mostest, classiest, Jerry Springerish domina you will have the chance to meet. +

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

There really isn't any way to answer your question.  It seems really off to Me that you had five first meets with Dominant women who proceeded to spill their emotional baggage all over you.  If that really were the case, I would tell you that a) yes, you are incredibly unlucky and/or b) your screening process must really suck.  The odds of this really being how you describe here are incredibly slim without having any bearing on the common denominator.  You have to remember that the one constant in all of these separate occasions is you.  I'm more inclined to believe that there is something tied in with that.  What that is, I really don't know because I don't know you, know your perception on things, or anything else.

Even with that in mind, there is something that I want to point out to you.  While I don't tend to use the "fake" label all too quickly, I'm not going to say that what you are telling us that you found doesn't exist.  There's really no difference between the genders on this one because there are both men and women who do this.  They slap the "Dominant" label on themselves with ulterior motives.  They think it's the path to easy sex, easy attention, or whatever it is that they feel they can obtain through the use of it.  They tend not to last long and they fade away quickly, but it is out there.  Again, the chances that you ran into five right off the bat is so relatively small that it's barely worth mentioning.

What's much more likely is an issue of a combination of factors.  The first being that you have some preconceived notions in your mind of what a Dominant woman is that is based on some stereotyping which nobody could live up to.  The other is that you may be dealing with some Dominant women who are new to the life and still coming into their own.  Unless you and the people that you are dealing with have a good base of experience, both of these factors are going to have a degree of impact on your perceptions.

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ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
I'm new here. After a couple of bad experiences with mistresses (live), I stumbled across this site, and joined in hopes of finding some compatible people.

Anyways, to this date, I've gotten in touch with 5 mistresses (via local clubs, common friends etc.), however, all of them turned out being big disappointments for me (I just met them, nothing more!).

Let me explain. They all ended up being "fake mistresses" as I call them, women who seem to be "mistresses" because of deep seeded personal issues, women who are practicing it because they're trying to elevate themselves, their egos, to heal their own insecurities, failures, baggage, etc. To me, that's not a description of a Mistress, that's a description of a bimbo!

I'd like to mention a couple things I found interesting. Do you notice how many times you use the word "mistress" to describe the type of woman you're talking about? Of course, I'm not a female dominant, or femdom if that's easier, so maybe I'm being bothered by something that isn't really such a problem. The way I read the above, however, gives me the impression of a role and not really a person being what you seek.

As for the "fake/bimbo" nonsense...again, I get the impression from what you've posted here that these women didn't fit the "image"...YOUR "image"...of a mistress let alone a dominant woman.

What were your expectation of them prior to meeting?

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ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
To me, a true Mistress is also a true WOMAN! Confident, strong-minded, classy, independent, intelligent, attractive, yet very gracious and sophisticated! A woman who's NATURALLY dominant, alpha woman, if you want.

Strangely enough, many women who identify as submissive also possess many if not all the traits you've mentioned above ( except for the "NATURALLY dominant" part....maybe). Again, what are your expectations of the "true Mistress" you seek?

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ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
Don't know how else to explain this, but I've been very successful in my relatively short life (I'm 27), and for me to truly submit to a person, I would have to look at that person as being somewhat superior, someone who can truly stimulate my mind.

Well, if you want a "superior" partner (oh, that's the other thing...is it a partner you seek or a playmate?) are you the type of superior man to attract such a woman? I get the impression from reading your profile, personal preferences aside, that you've set a very high bar for any woman. Also, keep in mind, your location could pose a slight problem for some in the US even though you state you plan on "being in the US a whole lot."

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ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
Am I just really unlucky, or is that a common trend among Mistresses? Are my standards set too high?
Thanks!
Damien

Unlucky? Common Trend among "Mistresses"? Again, what are your expectations of these women (yes, women, they're human after all....full of quirks, foibles and, god forbide, baggage.)

As for your standards....that's something only you can figure out.

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ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
P.s.: Note that me having "switch" in my profile doesn't have an effect on this subject. I'm only slightly dominant when it comes to very submissive women/girls. When it comes to Mistresses, that side is totally non-existent!

P.s. As one switch to another.....are you sure about that?

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ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina

Could you find the woman of your dreams in a vanilla setting by only dating 5, that you have met at the local club or pub? if the answer is no, then I would ask why would you think you will find your dream mistress after meeting 5?

Patiance grasshopper, life takes time, and you have to kiss a lot of leather covered frogs before you find your princess mistress.

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ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

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ORIGINAL: LadyRian

Hello, Op,

It sounds to me as if you may have been meeting either ProDommes, who's ability to earn their living depends on how well they can adopt the stereotypical persona of how a Domme is depicted in porn, or non pros who might also be influenced by this same stereotype.  For some people, porn is the only guide they might have to all of this, depending on what sort of access to information and resources they possess.  Porn is fun, I like porn, but porn is fantasy.

If a Domme is trying to emulate the porn model, I'd say this would be more than slightly along the lines of performance art. That might suggest "fake", because what you may be picking up on is that the person might be thinking in terms of emulating the stereotype, instead of allowing her genuine self to shine out?

And then, consider asking yourself this question- where have you developed your expectations of who a Domme is? Are you seeing  through the veil of your own fantasies? Are you saying that you're encouraging women to be themselves, but when they are, you're disappointed?

The earning ability of a pro domme is not how well they can adopt a stereotype personality, quite the opposite, they cater to all sorts of fetishes and desires, with acting like a stereotype, she would not do well, within the time frame of a session, she has to get into the head of the client, find out what he needs and wants, how much would he open up is she's just a carbon copy and he can't talk to her?

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien

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ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh
What were your expectation of them prior to meeting?

It's probably more me being a newbie and perhaps not using the right word. I'm basically looking for naturally dominant women. That's the basis.

You can't really plan, much less force, anything else. If something more happens, cool, if it doesn't also cool.

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
As for my expectations of the "true Mistress". That's very hard to answer, harder than I thought.
I mentioned being strong-minded, naturally dominant, not easy to push around ... but at the same time also remaining a lady.
Oh and someone I can't get my way with! I never manipulate anyone intentionally, however, I always seem to somehow get what I want in the end ... make others do things my way.

This dates back to school. The harshest teachers, teachers everyone disliked, were my favorite. I kept doing bad things just so I'd "hear it" from them. ;)
And I seem to appreciate such treatments more and more with each day.

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
Don't know how else to explain this, but I've been very successful in my relatively short life (I'm 27), and for me to truly submit to a person, I would have to look at that person as being somewhat superior, someone who can truly stimulate my mind.

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ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh
Well, if you want a "superior" partner (oh, that's the other thing...is it a partner you seek or a playmate?) are you the type of superior man to attract such a woman? I get the impression from reading your profile, personal preferences aside, that you've set a very high bar for any woman.

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ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
I really wouldn't mind a partner ... however, as I mentioned above, that's not something you can plan, much less force! It'll happen when you least expect it, spontaneously.
And I don't want to answer the "superior man" question. ;)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
P.s.: Note that me having "switch" in my profile doesn't have an effect on this subject. I'm only slightly dominant when it comes to very submissive women/girls. When it comes to Mistresses, that side is totally non-existent!

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ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh
P.s. As one switch to another.....are you sure about that?

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ORIGINAL: BadBoy Damien
Honestly? Not really ... :/
Again, being a "newbie" in this area plays a part. It's close to impossible for a "newbie" to be sure about something he's a "newbie" at.

As a "newbie" doesn't mean you're a "newbie" at interpersonal relationships and communication....or does it? This all seem to go back, in my opinion, to looking for a "mistress" before looking for a woman.

edited for the damn qutoe thing which I don't have time to get right.....UGH!!!!!

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 12/10/2010 6:08:44 AM >

(in reply to BadBoyDamien)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BadBoyDamien
A very good post!

And yeah, that's the thing. The probability that I ran into 5 such subjects is very low.
However, even if the probabilities are low, it still doesn't mean it's not a coincidence! And that's the main reason why I decided to post here and/or try my luck here.

And I actually always use a very good screening process. However, I'm a total newbie when it comes to looking for Mistresses/Dominas, so perhaps my screening process included wrong parameters.

P.s.: Sorry for using/posting separate posts instead of one big one! Doing too many things ... things I have to do/finish tonight.

quote:

As for my expectations of the "true Mistress". That's very hard to answer, harder than I thought.
I mentioned being strong-minded, naturally dominant, not easy to push around ... but at the same time also remaining a lady.
Oh and someone I can't get my way with! I never manipulate anyone intentionally, however, I always seem to somehow get what I want in the end ... make others do things my way.

If people were very rude to others in public...though it was unpleasant, it was good to know this from the start.  You had a narrow escape.

As for what you said in the above quote, maybe there are some others who are like me.  I do not dominate someone on the first date when we are having a public meetup.  Domination is an emotional thing, something that grows inside of me as I get to know a man.  If I get a crush on him, I want to boss him around, tie him up, flog him and do things like CBT.  

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

One of the really common themes you will hear from some of us 'organic femdoms' is that many, many subs have said to us over a pleasant dinner introduction or first date, "You don't seem very dominant to me," or "I guess I expected you to look and act a little more...well...dominant."  It leaves us scratching our head, wondering if these men DO expect us to be barking at service people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
One of the really common themes you will hear from some of us 'organic femdoms' is that many, many subs have said to us over a pleasant dinner introduction or first date, "You don't seem very dominant to me," or "I guess I expected you to look and act a little more...well...dominant."  It leaves us scratching our head, wondering if these men DO expect us to be barking at service people.

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Femdom does not equal bossy, bitchy or domineering. In fact, all these personality traits are ugly.

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No one in a crowded room would tag me as being "dominant."   Words that are more appropriate are confident and assertive. My dominance -  or my femdom side -- comes through via acts of lust, sensuality, affection or sex.  To go around trying to send off wildly dominant "vibes" to alert all men in the area of my "status" would be tacky and embarassing for all involved.