Advice on *how* to take things slow (Full Version)

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AquaticSub -> Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 1:23:44 PM)

Taking things slowly, particularly in dating and romance, is one of those things that I've really never succeeded at doing. One of those things that I know I should do but seem to utterly fail at. I seem to be either all in or all out, despite knowing and having every intention of taking things slow and steady.

So I'm curious how others whose natures seem to go against taking it slow have held themselves in check. As I slowly warm up to the idea of dating again, I think I'd like to change my usual SOP of jumping in feet-first and seeing where I land. At least for awhile! [:)]



leadership527 -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 2:26:00 PM)

I sort of 'take it slow'. The things which don't matter to me that much (sex and control) I take slow. The things which do matter to me (love), I do not. There I'm way more inclined to just tumble down the rabbit hole and if I hit a hard landing, then I guess I'll need to pick myself up and move on. Ergo, having self-discipline really isn't that hard because the only areas I need to have it in are not that important to me. I see self-discipline when it comes to love as counter-productive so that's not really an issue.



AquaticSub -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 2:41:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

There I'm way more inclined to just tumble down the rabbit hole and if I hit a hard landing, then I guess I'll need to pick myself up and move on.


*laughs* That's the way I've been doing it for years without much compliant. I suppose my last landing was just harder than I'd care to repeat. If I can find some tools to help me take things more slowly and avoid that, it would be nice.

If not... ahh well. I am fixable. Just sometimes the repairs take longer. [:)]



lovingpet -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 3:43:06 PM)

I think there's taking things slow as in getting to know each other, making a commitment only when ready, etc.  But then there are also things that come as they come.  Some of us have to warm slowly into feeling such as love.  My partner is that way.  Some of us don't even have a chance when love comes mowing us over like suicidal UFO.  I'm that way.  Part of life is experiencing it in all of it's glory and pain.  Sometimes we get hurt.  Other times, anything less and we would have missed the joy of a lifetime.  I prefer to take it as it comes.  I don't care that hearts always heal with scars.  That's the little token of that person having been in  my life and I can look on it fondly remembering the good they brought me, grieve the loss, and maybe even always have that slight ache at their absence.  I don't think I'd experience life the same if I was more cautious.  Maybe it would hurt less, but for me the trade is not a fair one.

lovingpet



Twoshoes -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 3:49:33 PM)

I always take everything slow (and do things rather deliberately). I just don't really like being vulnerable to people in general, especially if I'm unsure about how they might react. Actually, I'd probably never talk about myself ever, if I didn't sometimes just want to make sure I can be understood a tiny bit. [:)]

So, you could either date someone who takes it slow, in which case you'll have to adapt to them.

Or you could constantly remind yourself ACTUAL relationships grow to flourish. And only your imaginary, idealized, in-your-head relationships magically bloom overnight.



AquaticSub -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 3:53:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

Or you could constantly remind yourself ACTUAL relationships grow to flourish. And only your imaginary, idealized, in-your-head relationships magically bloom overnight.


*laughs* That would work except that my relationship with Valyraen pretty much bloomed overnight! Years of never being single or being able to date and then one night we just... went to bed together. [:)]

Maybe doing thing slowly is just something I'm not destined to do unless, as you said, I get involved with someone who takes things slowly and I adapt to them.

Ahh well... it was worth an ask. [:)]



subinlife -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 4:45:09 PM)

[sm=popcorn.gif] 
 
Sorry Aqua, I'm as bad as you are.
 
I'm waiting to see the responses and hope for some good advice.
 
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
 
That's me lol.



littlewonder -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 5:12:25 PM)

taking it slow for me has always meant talking to each other about everything and anything, going out on normal dates, not fucking or playing quickly if I'm serious about wanting possibly more from him than JUST fucking and playing, getting to know him as a person, not a Dom.

I"m not one to rush into much of anything since I was extremely young so I take my time...but that doesn't mean going at a snail's pace either. There's a balance to everything.




DesFIP -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 6:30:13 PM)

I wrote out a list of what I needed and what I couldn't deal with. And I would go through the list to make sure I wasn't ignoring things. But that's not going to be helpful in picking play partners. It worked better in finding a long term partner.



crystalclarinet -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 7:25:24 PM)

I was always bad... I would sleep with the guy first and then date him later... Until my recent relationship... which one would think isn't taking it that slow, but we waited three weeks and kept our dates to public places. I know that seems super lame, but if your at the pizza place or a comic shop its kind of hard to jump in the sack. Avoiding bars for the first few dates also helps. 



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 7:32:09 PM)

I seem to have sex with men that Im attracted to but know they are wrong for me because of personality issues or where they are at in their lives....and I fully intend to just have a FWB relationship....but then all these pesky emotions start to surface because of attaching emotionally through the sex, that I have to deal with and all these insecurities and boundary issues arise. I give too much and then have to pull it back.



AquaticSub -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 7:47:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

But that's not going to be helpful in picking play partners. It worked better in finding a long term partner.


That's what I'm talking about Celeste. I only date people for long-term relationships. I'm just friends, if that, with my play partners.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 7:49:58 PM)

Having emotional walls up that keep me isolated from love has worked for decades for me...[:D]



pyroaquatic -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 7:51:14 PM)

Take things slow. I have difficulty with that also. It is either full nuclear blast or withdrawal.

So I have simply been making friends and keeping it at the friend level. Universe knows I am terrible at picking up those signals because they get bored and move on or lose those special feelings.



AquaticSub -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 7:58:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Having emotional walls up that keep me isolated from love has worked for decades for me...[:D]


See I'm trying to avoid that... [;)]



sunshinemiss -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 8:02:23 PM)

pssssst.  Me too.  Maybe I should start a thread on how to avoid that *wink



AquaticSub -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 8:25:00 PM)

I'd read it. [:)]



sunshinemiss -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/14/2010 8:54:02 PM)

Ok, more seriously.... I really am pretty guarded personally.  I don't let people in quickly or easily, but when I do I'm fairly loyal.  If you fuck that up, though, it's damn near impossible to get back into my good graces.  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!

I don't trust easily.  I don't believe what people say.  I check it out - not as in I go skulking about and hide to see if they really do work where they say they do.  Although with someone online you'd better believe I google them, look up their company online, etc.  But here's how I check them out -

What I do is listen to what they say and make sure their behavior and their words match.  Are they consistent in their beliefs and behaviors?  What does their face say?  Is there tension?  Are they at peace with themselves?  Do they admit to their own quirks and foibles?  I'm a people watcher. 

I was in a group the other day and someone asked if it was my first time, and I said no it was my 3rd or 4th... because I'd been so quiet the other times, watching and listening that I wasn't noticeable.  (Hard to believe with my big fat mouth!)  I'm also pretty nervous in a large group of people I don't know, that people watching serves me well. 

For me, getting to know someone personally means getting to know them (generally speaking) in a group setting with other folks.  I can see how they interact one on one, how they interact with a group, with men, with women, the wait staff if it's at a restaurant, do they know how to listen?  Do they name call?  Are they able to keep calm in a heated argument? etc.  I get a lot of information about people from that, and from there I can make my decision about whether to proceed forward.

I want people to SHOW ME who they are rather than tell me.  I do my best to hold back on really putting my emotions into things until then.  It doesn't always work, and even though I check people out (ask around about them - I am from the midwest after all...), I am sometimes wrong wrong wrong!  But usually this method works well for me.

And yes, I have been loved deeply and loved deeply in return.  I've also had some other relationships that grew very slowly because of my approach.  It can be frustrating for the other people, but that's just too bad.  It is who I am.  I am not desperate, I am not easy, but I'm well worth the effort.  Mind you, I put in my own effort to get to know someone I'm interested in - this is not a one way street I'm talking about. 

So, going slowly... for me means putting my emotions in check, paying attention, and verifying.  Anyone who has become my friend has been through this process... as have I!  And so have my lovers. 

best wishes to you and Val (have y'all noticed going through this process yourselves?  *wink),
sunshine



WestBaySlave -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/15/2010 4:43:36 AM)

 It's interesting - I tend to be quite comfortable in terms of planning and regulating my online encounters and taking my time to do things right... until I fall for a guy, after which my planning and even my common sense go right out the window. Sunshinemiss gives some good solid advice here, but if you're like me, knowing the smart thing to do and doing it when you're crazy for a guy are two very different things. I'd like to give advice... but given my track record I'm in no position to, so I'll just read others contributions here. The only guys I involved myself with at a reasonable, leisurely pace were the guys I ended up never feeling anything deep for.





anniezz338 -> RE: Advice on *how* to take things slow (12/15/2010 6:14:44 AM)

Well, I am a bit of a chameleon in relationships and dating. I can be a real "now" person and I can also take things very slowly. Truthfully, for me, much can depend on the other person. Some things click click click right away, some things don't.

But, as I got older, I started leaning more to the slower side. I let real life help me set the pace. Work, home ownership (I personally feel IT owns ME..lol.), obligations to family and friends, errands, chores....just life stuff....I can kill two birds with one stone.

If I feel I need to slow down in that area, I focus on other things at that time to work on, and just balance it. It's a win/win. I get something done I needed to do and have slowed down at the same time. And, especially in these times, life can keep us all very busy.

Just something that works for me.



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