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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/18/2010 4:40:05 PM

Twoshoes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

There may be some out there with enormous reserves of zen-like self control, but, if I've had a tiring and/or stressful day it does have an impact on my expectations.

Well, if everyone were like that, then no one would notice and those people wouldn't feel special.

However, self-control is a huge misnomer. People who think emotions can be controlled are doing it wrong. "I'm telling myself to not be upset, so I'm not upset." won't get you any further than denial - if even that.

It's actually all about self-knowledge. The better you know yourself and are cognizant of what's happening to your mood, the more power you have over it.

The area in the brain responsible for mood changes simply reacts to your own completely subjective assessments of what is occurring and will choose whatever mood seems likely to get the current most desired outcome (whether that's to be left alone, to get the point across, to hurt someone, etc). This assessment works like a scale - adding/subtracting things from either side will definitely influence the resulting mood. So, if you can tell a situation is in the process of changing your mood, you can usually alter this assessment by creating physical distance from the stimuli or even by using internal dialog to convince your brain its assessment is inaccurate (adding weight to whichever side of the scale you choose).

"This person is trying to manipulate/provoke/control me, because they are helpless and don't know how to alleviate their problem in any sort of positive way." It's fairly hard to feel upset at someone whose weakness you're highlighting.

"If I got upset, I'd say things I'll regret later." I tend to know exactly what hurts people the deepest and the few times I've done that, I've felt so incredibly bad afterwards and spent days apologizing. When it's hurtful but completely true, you can be forgiven, but you can't really take it back and no one ever forgets such things.

"I'm somewhat responsible for this situation." So, if you decide to go home when you know there is often traffic, why would you get upset about the traffic? Someone who doesn't feel helpless to change their place of work or schedule simply won't get upset over traffic.

Conversely, exaggerating the importance of specific things from your internal assessment is a pretty good way to work yourself into any mood, really.

There have a been a few times, where I've actually enjoyed the helplessness of someone's anger (over something as trivial as traffic and never about anything serious), which always freaks me out, considering I try to be an ethical, good person.

Not that I'm saying everyone should worry about any of this and I actually think if you can use anger in a healthy way, you may as well. In my case emotional stability is one of my priorities and it doesn't take me much effort.

And actually, I'm a lot more creative when I'm unhappy and genuinely interested in helping others feel better, which means I'm drawn to sadness and sadness draws out the best in me, essentially. I'd be really screwed if I didn't have emotional awareness.

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/18/2010 4:59:30 PM

delicatelydirty

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When life became all to much my ex became an emotionally abusive asshole ... he was never much of a Dom to begin with and stress turned him into a foot stomping tantrum throwing child who thought it was fun to abuse me and my children... Needless to say once the abuse started on my children he found himself and his stuff out in the gutter.

I recognise that people have bad days and I want to do all I can to help but being the target of abuse didn't fall in the being helpful catagory, that catagory holds things like giving him space, giving him massages, being a distraction in whatever way he enjoys most ect.

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/18/2010 6:54:26 PM

DMFParadox

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

When he's had a bad day he's been known to use me pretty harshly. He's definitely much more sadistic when he's had a bad day. Does that equate to "taking it out" on me? I don't know. I figure I'm his slave and if he needs to use me harshly to alleviate his stresses out on then so be it. I mean...I am his slave. I don't mind to be honest. I feel as if I'm being helpful and useful when I can help him to be a better happier person and if that helps, great!

I see it as a service to him.

Perfect.

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/18/2010 6:55:55 PM

DMFParadox

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quote:

ORIGINAL: delicatelydirty

When life became all to much my ex became an emotionally abusive asshole ... he was never much of a Dom to begin with and stress turned him into a foot stomping tantrum throwing child who thought it was fun to abuse me and my children... Needless to say once the abuse started on my children he found himself and his stuff out in the gutter.

I recognise that people have bad days and I want to do all I can to help but being the target of abuse didn't fall in the being helpful catagory, that catagory holds things like giving him space, giving him massages, being a distraction in whatever way he enjoys most ect.

Mm. Yes, this seems like a severe self-control issue on his part; good call.

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/19/2010 2:21:17 AM

WolfyMontgomery

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Using fast reply =)

When Master has had a particularly nasty day, he will come home in a mood - the mood is obvious. Usually I'm there watching it happen to him and know what's causing the mood. When it happens, it's just like with any other person who has a short fuse: give them their space to cool off, do things to make them feel better, etc.

Sometimes what he needs IS a play session, but he never terms it as "punishment", it's stress relief for both of us, and we are always honest about our needs. Just like when I've had a rough day and I ask for a few spankings to make me cry and let it out and then cuddles. I shouldn't be the only one that can get stress relief from a play session. And if he 'starts going too far' or being too harsh for comfort because stress is distracting him, we have safewords for a reason - and he expects me to use them.

But in general - we're all human. We both deal with each other's upsets, bad moods, mood swings, bad days, etc. He has to deal with mine just as I have to deal with his. And I'd gladly take him even in a bad mood than not at all.

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/19/2010 3:17:03 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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What's amazing is when you come home from having a bad day, and your submissive offers their self up for a little stress relief. Priceless :-)

None the less this is one topics that's a bit of a fact of life... nobody is perfect. What counts is how you and your partner deal with it and not with how everybody else thinks you should. Hope that makes sense.

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/20/2010 4:24:17 PM

agirl

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No, never. He's a little tetchy when he's tired, that's about it. He directs his emotions where they are meant to be.......He doesn't inflict them on an innocent *me*.

If he wanted to *do* something as some kind of distraction, fine, ...........but I would be unimpressed if he took stuff out on me without me knowing what was going on (as Des said).

And *punish me* when I don't deserve it? No, he never has and never WOULD *punish* me for anything that wasn't of my doing, my making or my responsibility.

Part of why I cleaved to him was the fact that he is this way. I don't need things to be *fair*in the eyes of the wider world, but I DO need things to be clear and acceptable between us.

agirl

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/21/2010 10:25:42 AM

blogslave

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it happens

< Message edited by blogslave -- 12/21/2010 10:35:38 AM >

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/21/2010 12:23:56 PM

LaTigresse

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My first reaction was..........this is like asking if, after a bad day, I come home and kick my dogs.

My home is my sanctuary. It's where I want to be when life gets rough. Whomever, person/s or animals, is there, is a part of that happy place thing. There is no way I want to pollute my happy place.

Besides, much like Twoshoes........ not much in life gets me upset. Shit happens, ya deal, then move on. Much of what sends other people into orbit barely registers on my radar.

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/21/2010 12:53:55 PM

lovingpet

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A rough, gritty session where he is able to release in a controlled fashion anything pent up from the day is not an issue for me at all. What I would not appreciate is out of control violence against me or anyone else in our home. There is a world of difference between those two concepts. One is utilizing appropriate time and place in a controlled and established manner. The other is a bull in a china shop breaking anything in its path. Use me as you need me, but do not abuse me as your impulses dictate.

lovingpet

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/22/2010 7:52:55 AM

ThundersCry

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of course...

its time to beat her

its ALL about me at those times which doesnt happen enough -L-

Go ahead....ruin my day <eg>

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/22/2010 2:51:24 PM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: delicatelydirty

When life became all to much my ex became an emotionally abusive asshole ... he was never much of a Dom to begin with and stress turned him into a foot stomping tantrum throwing child who thought it was fun to abuse me and my children... Needless to say once the abuse started on my children he found himself and his stuff out in the gutter.

I recognise that people have bad days and I want to do all I can to help but being the target of abuse didn't fall in the being helpful catagory, that catagory holds things like giving him space, giving him massages, being a distraction in whatever way he enjoys most ect.

Totally agree. My ex loses his temper if the wind blows, lashes out at everyone in a really mean manner and it is NOT acceptable. When called on it, he says, this is who I am, I can't change. Hence, ex.

When I am with someone I do everything in my power to make them feel better if they are upset, angry or stressed. But anger has no place in this dynamic and taking it out on your sub is bullshit. I am not talking about a rough session or stress relief or anything like that. I am talking about being an abusive asshole and expecting that a sub should just deal with that behavior.

There is not a chance in hell that I would support someone taking it out on me, and when my ex appeared to be doing so, I did not sit quietly and take it under the guise of service.

Lack of self control, the inability to own up to your own bad behavior and blaming everyone and everything, never apologizing and hitting below the belt emotionally...all being blamed on being upset, makes a man or woman less in my eyes and therefore, due no respect.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/22/2010 2:54:02 PM >

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/22/2010 7:25:50 PM

DRC1986

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Well, I really enjoyed reading everyone who replied. Very informative.

Myself - It takes a whole lot to get me angry. I have a high level of self control. And when I do get mad, I usually explode for two or three minutes (which can involve me beating an inamite object, like a 2x4 or an old chair or something, half to death. But that rarely happens (maybe once every four or five months). And once it's over, no one would ever be able to tell I was angry, because I'm right back to normal, focusing on the next step.

I have lived with people close to me, and even when I come home pissed at the world, usually as soon as I see them, it helps dissolve my anger because I know they care and they weren't the cause of my bad day. Being abusive on an innocent is something I have no tolerance for. Having a rough session may be one thing, but abuse, there's no call for that, ever.

Have a good holiday everyone. Enjoy the time off if you get it.

Drc

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RE: Outside influence affect your behavior? - 12/28/2010 6:21:02 PM

RLMK

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+1 on actually "taking it out on a sub" being abuse.

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