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RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 5:16:52 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

Yes, He will spank me whenever He pleases... and whip me and just be sadistic in every way.

But, i don't feel the same as when i am getting punished though it literally is so EROTIC to me the whole punishment scene and Him punishing me when i've done something...that someone is stern with me and shows me my place.
Play is fun...but it's not that ... doesn't give me nearly the same feeling is what i am saying :/

You had that image imprinted in your fantasies beginning at at young age.
So it does not surprise me that you are unable to disconnect the two.
And in that yes, I think you are overthinking and taking on too much responsibility for that headspace.

For me, actual punishment is not erotic but the fantasy of it is for much the same reason it is to you, so I can understand the complexities of the ritual, the pain, the catharsis... the release given to you by the stern disciplinarian...and how all of that can be so erotically charged.

Talk to him about you feelings openly and let him decide how he wants to handle them.
There could be ways of incorporating small infractions into a maintance spanking that might give you the release you need on a regular basis and if your connection tying eroticism to punishment is a problem for him he can make other arrangements...finding a pain you do not find erotic or a non-pain option.

But for now as you have stated: you are in a punishment dynamic.
He likes punishing you.
You learn from the punishment and get aroused.
It may not even be an issue... .

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(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 21

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 5:35:19 AM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
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So what's the problem? People crave punishment for all sort of reasons, do you want to be cured? Otherwise, as long as it's not making the rest of your life a mess, go with it.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 22

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 5:42:49 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss
i hate being punished by Him because i know i've done something wrong, and i really do just want Him happy with me. And, i've shown that because i accomplish everything He wants (just sometimes mistakes happen because i am learning, 19 and well human, lol). But, that's the thing i hate it, but love it. i hate the rosewood paddle i get
...
i like being like the zebra! Hahahaha...
...
and i'm a masochist, but everyone says that punishment wouldn't work then You get the whole " how do you punish a masochist?" But, it's weird because punishment DOES work for me, and i don't act out...and i do feel bad... and want to cry... so what the heck???
...
Can someone maybe help me shed some light on this issue? i'd soooooooo appreciate it, you have no idea. Something i've been wondering about for like ever...

I think you've answered your own question nicely here. You like being the zebra! :D Seriously speaking, it's normal for a submissive person's psychology (although not necessarily a pure masochist's psychology) to love/hate discipline. It's natural, if you feel submissive, to feel both these emotions at the same:

* On the one hand, you hate the spankings because they hurt (by the way, I'm entirely with you on the wooden paddles--I hate them, with a vengence, particularly the thicker ones! I'd much rather feel the sharper kisses of a crop or a cat than those blunt pieces of wood smashing into my flesh.)

* On the other hand you love the way the punishments make you feel: more obedient, more submissive, contrite, more like yourself.

That is love/hate. It's enjoyable to feel both things at the same time, I think. I hope you enjoy it as well. :)

I really like the way you are not beating yourself up for being young and not knowing a lot of stuff and having screw-ups. FWIW, experienced submissives screw up a lot too, especially with a new dominant because we do not know them enough to know what they like or don't like. I have seen that some nefarious dominants will take advantage of the fact that the submissive doesn't know a lot, and try to destroy their self-esteem by constantly pointing out how bad they are at submitting. I don't think the master you have is doing that, but some will. It's almost as if some dominants have a desire to make a submissive think that she really isn't submissive. Watch out for that type!

_____________________________

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(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 23

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 7:25:44 AM

sunshinemiss

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You know, I get where you're coming from. People don't want to peer into the abyss (it looks back at you - Nietzche)... Who wants to come face to face with that?

Sounds like you are going through the beginning process of accepting something about yourself that you haven't in the past. The whole "should" thing gave it away. Perhaps it will help you to think of it like a lot of people feel when they come out as gay. Are they bad people? Is what they do bad? Wrong? SHOULD they be straight? That's what many gay people think when they come out. They don't WANT to be gay (many, not all). It takes some time to slough off the "shoulds" of society to accept who you are / what you like.

If it doesn't harm anyone, and it brings you pleasure, allow yourself the good feeling. What would it hurt to say, FUCK YOU to the world that judges you for what you enjoy? It takes some time. *For some it takes decades.* The fact that you are looking at it means you've got a jump on things.

Try to be kind to yourself. Try to reserve judgment. And try to relax.

good luck, and best wishes,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 24

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 7:40:00 AM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

But shouldn't i not like it? shouldn't i feel horrible?

Adults get to decide how to consensually engage sexually with other consenting adults! However, if you are sincerely concerned about your sexual desires, I suggest you seek out a Licensed Professional Psychologist that is Kink Friendly to further discuss all of your "shouldn’t" and "horrible", thus whatever your heart desires.

https://www.ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals.html

Enough said!

i am fine with who i am and that i am into that.

i just feel bad that punishment makes me feel content... when i feel my Master maybe wouldn't like that?

< Message edited by lilmisssubmiss -- 12/20/2010 7:50:47 AM >

(in reply to Zevar)

Post #: 25

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 7:43:52 AM

sexyred1

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You really gotta love when someone posts a complete stream of consciousness about how they feel/should feel about punishment and when they get good and reasonable replies that they dislike, they go off on the poster.

Grow up, girlie. Just because you are endeavoring to do grown up physical things, your emotional self needs to as well.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 26

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 7:48:37 AM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
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And, there is a lot of good information in this thread.
i am ok with my feelings... but i feel i should feel bad, when i feel happy about it i feel like He'd be disappointed and maybe that's making me a bad sub...if that makes sense. i just never want Him mad at me or to let Him down ( i am extremely connected with Him ). i am ok with being in this and who i am.

i sent Him an email He will get back to me whenever He has time ..... uggggg which will be forever He's so damn busy.

But, all of this really helped. i feel a lot better... especially that there may not be anything wrong with the relationship if W/we both like it, and He gets the desired effect out of me anyways cause i still learn? .... hmmm good thoughts. Thank you soooo much guys.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 27

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 7:48:56 AM

sunshinemiss

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To the OP: Zevar is spot on target. If it is something that truly bothers you, then what he's suggested is absolutely excellent advice. He didn't judge you or say "You need therapy, you crazy bitch." No, he merely gave you a resource that you think would not work for you.

It is gracious to say thank you and then let it go.

good luck,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 28

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 7:54:35 AM

allthatjaz

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I don't think there is anything wrong with thinking about things. Thinking is about unraveling and unraveling often brings up some interesting answers. I have taken apart and dissected what I do with the energy of a neurologist and I have found my human mind to be hugely interesting.
What I discovered was (and dare I say this!) that my fantasies are all about the unconsensual.
My dominant fantasy needed to imagine that I could rule someone without question and for them, there is no escape. Reality is, I can have all of that but only with their permission and only with a man/woman who knows and understands this lifestyle. That can make it feel a little tame sometimes and yet in reality its the way I prefer things.
Fantasies or at least the initial ones that brought us into this lifestyle are hugely important. They have been played over to the point of perfection. Its a little bit like a good book that is then made into a film. The film is often not as good as the book because certain things have to be compromised. You now have to compromise those fantasies, especially the bits about it not being consensual.
I can't put myself into a head space where I believe all of this is real (perhaps because I am in the habit of dissecting things), simply because it can never be as real as my fantasies, but then again, this is as close to my fantasies as I ever want to get. I happily accept that my/our submissive is with us because she adores the way we get so close to her deep inner fantasy and she has the sense to understand that it can't and wont become deeper than that.

Punishment often reaches further into the depths of our mind and that is why the thought of punishment for some, is extremely hot.
This is why for some, punishment has to be a thing of 'dread' and taken very seriously.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 12/20/2010 7:56:52 AM >

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 29

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 7:57:28 AM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
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I thought He was being a smart ass, sorry....And it was misread how i was feeling. i didn't mean like " omg i can't handle this ... i feel like such a bad person" ...uhhhh this has nothing to do with me and my vanilla life, but when it comes to my kink life and me trying to be the best for my Master i feel a little ashamed i feel this way...

Nothing to go to a therapist about, if you ask me.... i am ok i am in this....and when conflicting problems come up like this... part of the fun is figuring yourself out. i just need to communicate with my Master about this because if He knows i feel He can be a better Master towards me, therefor making me a better sub for Him.

i don't care that i am a masochist and that i love pain...that i am in this lifestyle, but what i do care about is feeling guilty that i feel like i like something Master meant as punishment. If He knew He might think i wasn't being serious or something, but i can't help how it makes me feel...that makes me feel bad . It's something not therapist can help me with, lol only He can cause He's my Master. i just needed some thoughts put together and i got a lot of good thoughts so thank you.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 30

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 8:02:56 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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quote:

It's something not therapist can help me with, lol only He can cause He's my Master.

I'm quoting you here not to attack you but to point something out. A good therapist can help people. (Other people read this thread, not just you). Many people have found it helpful.

But on a different note, NO he is nto the only one who can help you. You have stated a couple of times that you feel better from being on the board here. WE helped you too. Friends, another sub woman, could help you as well. One man is only one man. Please remember that.

Good luck, and it's way past my bedtime. Night folks.

sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 31

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 8:06:09 AM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
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Well, He's the only one who can help at this point because you guys aren't in the relationship with me... He is... so to get to the bottom of it i need to go to Him eventually.

A good therapist can..... lol...... but i like this it's part of D/s ....i am not going to a therapist that'd ruin the fun for me because i don't think i'm fucked up.

i went to a therapist when my Mom died and was severely depressed. - That's the kind of thing i'll go to a therapist for.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 32

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 9:28:28 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
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Why on earth would you go to a therapist over something like this. I think you have a good healthy attitude and you certainly don't sound traumatized!

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 33

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 10:39:32 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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No one has said that the OP should see a therapist.

Zevar said

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar
However, if you are sincerely concerned about your sexual desires.....

And I agreed, saying:

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml
if it becomes something that you obsess a lot about, worry a lot about,or feel very guilty about then it may be worth having a natter with a kink friendly therapist.

If, if, iffety if the OP begins to obsess, worry, or feel very guilty about her desire for punishment, but only if, if, iffety if then a chat with a kink friendly therapist seems like a reasonable idea.

But only if.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 34

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 10:50:44 AM

nighthawk3569

Posts: 283
Joined: 6/22/2005
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First, let me say I don't see anything wrong with the '19 sub/50 Master' dynamic...as long as both of you are satisfied. Don't listen to those who say you're too young or He's too old. It's your life...live it!

Next, stop overthinking things(good advice from several posters). Since you obviously enjoy pain, get as much as you can...be happy that He enjoys giving you what you crave.

Finally, if you absolutely must, the T/two of you could(by talking things over)find another form of punishment. Maybe something that's humiliating, instead of painful.

Good luck...be well...and, above all, enjoy your life!

'hawk

< Message edited by nighthawk3569 -- 12/20/2010 10:56:23 AM >

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 35

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 2:02:19 PM

mbes

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Joined: 12/14/2006
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It sounds to me like changing the punishment to something that doesn't include pain wouldn't change your feelings about it. That it is the fact of being punished that gets you off, not the activity. Is that correct?
If that's the case, it seems that you are simply one who enjoys a punishment dynamic, perhaps you find intimacy in giving that power to another. I don't find anything wrong with that, in and of itself. If you think it might concern your other half, of course speak to him about it, but otherwise, I'd just relax and enjoy it.

(in reply to nighthawk3569)

Post #: 36

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 4:19:18 PM

lilmisssubmiss

Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mbes

It sounds to me like changing the punishment to something that doesn't include pain wouldn't change your feelings about it. That it is the fact of being punished that gets you off, not the activity. Is that correct?
If that's the case, it seems that you are simply one who enjoys a punishment dynamic, perhaps you find intimacy in giving that power to another. I don't find anything wrong with that, in and of itself. If you think it might concern your other half, of course speak to him about it, but otherwise, I'd just relax and enjoy it.

Yeah, exactly, thanks!

Might even show Him this whole post.

(in reply to mbes)

Post #: 37

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 5:44:52 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: mbes

It sounds to me like changing the punishment to something that doesn't include pain wouldn't change your feelings about it. That it is the fact of being punished that gets you off, not the activity. Is that correct?
If that's the case, it seems that you are simply one who enjoys a punishment dynamic, perhaps you find intimacy in giving that power to another. I don't find anything wrong with that, in and of itself. If you think it might concern your other half, of course speak to him about it, but otherwise, I'd just relax and enjoy it.

Yeah, exactly, thanks!

Might even show Him this whole post.

Ever considered that it's the control you're finding hot....no matter what comes FROM that?

agirl

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 38

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 6:29:11 PM

lilmisssubmiss

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Joined: 9/29/2008
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Ya might just be control in general, and punishment i like because i can't call red, i literally have NO control. Love it.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 39

RE: Craving for punishment- confused - 12/20/2010 7:28:16 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
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That makes sense. Punishment would be a form of exerting control, so works for you.
If you or he find it really bothers you, perhaps find another way to show the overt control; so long as neither does, have a good time!

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)

Post #: 40

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