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How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 12:40:02 PM

LoveSparkie

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline

I received a ridiculous message from a man who claimed he would need my social security number and bank account number. Of course I am not stupid and pretty much laughed him away.

But I started thinking, in a relationship between Master/Slave or D/S..how much privacy does the sub get?

I know it varies in each relationship, but I don't feel comfortable at all giving anyone such private information. I know there has to be that level of trust. Sure if I trusted him completely I would have no problem with sharing some private information, but there are some things that are mine and mine alone, no matter what.

I wouldn't want someone having complete control over my finances especially. What if things don't work out? What then? Would I be left with nothing to my name, because he controlled all the money? I don't like that idea. I'd want to have something thats MINE to fall back in just in case. The future is never certain after all.

_____________________________

"You'll never know the good with out the bad.
It's not until you experience pain that you will know pleasure.
It's not until you experience heartbreak that you will know true love.
It's when you face death, that you truly love life."
~Sparkie~

Post #: 1

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 12:50:34 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I'm going to need your mother's maiden name before I answer that one.

It's not privacy - it's control of finances. As a Dom, I would work with my sub to determine her career path. It would be vital for me that if anything happened to me, she would be taken care of, would have a career to fall back on. And of course, that she could contribute to our household.

I would expect that at some point, I would have access to her bank accounts, and she mine. But not for a long time.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 2

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 12:59:41 PM

YoungBlondeSlave

Posts: 953
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm going to need your mother's maiden name before I answer that one.

It's not privacy - it's control of finances. As a Dom, I would work with my sub to determine her career path. It would be vital for me that if anything happened to me, she would be taken care of, would have a career to fall back on. And of course, that she could contribute to our household.

I would expect that at some point, I would have access to her bank accounts, and she mine. But not for a long time.

i swear, it's like you're trying to make those Doms look bad.

Oh, and OP, he's got it right it should be done that way i believe. Your concerns mirror mine. "What if" anything...i don't want to be left screwed over, either.

_____________________________

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. Salvador Dali

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 3

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 1:03:47 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

I don't have that information for my girl and don't really need it since we don't live together. Even if we did live together, I wouldn't really need it, but I'd probably want to have the information written down and stored someplace like a lockbox in case of emergency. However, for the sake of discussion, think of it this way:

Would you give your husband that information?

If not, then would you file a joint tax return or file seperately? If you file jointly, are you going to do the taxes and expect him to give you his information without sharing yours? Would you have a joint bank account or would each of you maintain your own accounts? If you would share that information with your husband, including having one joint bank account, what happens if you get a divorce? What's to stop him from emptying the account and leaving you with nothing?

If you would share your information with your husband, then why not your dominant?

Of course, this analogy assumes a 24/7 D/s relationship that may also include marriage. If that's not the sort of relationship you have/want, then there's no reason to share financial information. Even in a 24/7 marriage-type arrangement, you might retain some autonomy, such as having a job and your own bank account. This is where individuality of relationships comes into play.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 4

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 1:06:24 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YoungBlondeSlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

As a Dom, I would work with my sub to determine her career path. It would be vital for me that if anything happened to me, she would be taken care of, would have a career to fall back on.

i swear, it's like you're trying to make those Doms look bad.

Steven doesn't have to try; he's just got Teh Mad Domly Skillz.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to YoungBlondeSlave)

Post #: 5

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 1:07:22 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I live my relationships within an ownership dynamic. That is, I own her physical self to use and utilise at my whim.

But I don't own or lay claim to her own material possessions beyond that I'd still expect her to treat and respect them as she would my own material possessions. If she's generally got her outside life sorted then it's not my business, though she's always welcome to seek advice.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 1:10:48 PM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

When i was a slave he had full access to everything about me. This did happen over time. However, i do believe also many D/s and M/s relationships don't last long enough for this type of trust to acclimate and solidify, so there is always distrust or feeling uncomfortable with having no control. Most people in this world really don't know how to trust anymore. Did he utilize all the info, i doubt it, but as he had absolute control over my life so access to same was logical. What most people would have issue with was, while i knew where to find information if i needed it because he wasn't capable of being asked, i did not know all of the personal information he knew about me. I was his slave, i had no expectation of privacy from him. I never felt uncomfortable or exploited because he had this power and control over me. It simply seemed correct to me.

If i couldn't trust him with my money or private information, how could i remotely trust him with my physical person and life or something utterly sacred to me? To me, this concept is the very basic of such a dynamic -- trust is trust, either you trust him fully or you don't.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to YoungBlondeSlave)

Post #: 7

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 1:23:13 PM

LoveSparkie

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
Would you give your husband that information?

Truth be told, no I would not. Not ever.

I have my reasons. When I was with my childs father I trusted him enough to give him access to my bank account. Right before he left me for another woman, he emptied my bank account. At the time, not only was that money for me, but for my mother. She had just separated from my father and had moved into a new apt (bad situation for her at the time) and was paying her rent using the money from that bank account.
I will never forget the day my mother called me hysterically crying because all the money was gone and she was terrified of ending up on the streets. From then on, I vowed that no one would ever get that sort of private information from me. I gave someone that much control once before and not only was I screwed over, but my mother was as well. I will not take a slight chance on that happening again.

I don't mind having a joint account, but I will always have a private personal bank account to fall back on.

_____________________________

"You'll never know the good with out the bad.
It's not until you experience pain that you will know pleasure.
It's not until you experience heartbreak that you will know true love.
It's when you face death, that you truly love life."
~Sparkie~

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 8

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 1:49:05 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
Would you give your husband that information?

Truth be told, no I would not. Not ever.

Well then, there you go. Put it on your list of hard limits and make sure you communicate it to potential partners. Nothing wrong with that. Though I would suggest keeping the information stored somewhere safe and making sure someone you do trust (your mother, a lawyer, etc.) can access it if there's ever an emergency. You probably already do that anyway.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 9

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 1:54:06 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

I know it varies in each relationship, but I don't feel comfortable at all giving anyone such private information. I know there has to be that level of trust. Sure if I trusted him completely I would have no problem with sharing some private information, but there are some things that are mine and mine alone, no matter what.

You answered your own question. It varies. If you aren't comfortable with that, than find someone who doesn't insist on that. Like anal sex or having kids.

quote:

I wouldn't want someone having complete control over my finances especially. What if things don't work out? What then? Would I be left with nothing to my name, because he controlled all the money? I don't like that idea. I'd want to have something thats MINE to fall back in just in case. The future is never certain after all.

Our relationships really aren't that different in this regard. When you get serious, you pool money or don't depending on your comfort level. For example, Knight of Mists and his lovely companions (unless I'm remembering incorrectly) have their money legally separated. However, he still controls it by stating what it will be used for. Val and I do things much the same way.

It's really not something you need to worry about right now. A bit like picking out a wedding dress on the first date - sure, give it some thought so you have an idea of what you want when the time comes but it's not going to be an issue until you and the person you are with are at the bridge and ready to cross.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/23/2010 1:56:33 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 10

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 1:55:52 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
Would you give your husband that information?

Truth be told, no I would not. Not ever.

Well then, there you go. Put it on your list of hard limits and make sure you communicate it to potential partners. Nothing wrong with that. Though I would suggest keeping the information stored somewhere safe and making sure someone you do trust (your mother, a lawyer, etc.) can access it if there's ever an emergency. You probably already do that anyway.

Phft... there you go. Being all concise and shit.

What teh smart cookie said.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 11

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 2:10:27 PM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

while it is about one's individual comfort level when it comes down to things such as finances (and the control of such), perhaps i'm a bit old-fashioned in that i think certain relationships, by very definition...say, Master and slave relationships...imply that a slave will have no autonomous control over such things, much less "privacy."

of course, other dynamics leave room for a lot more negotiation and variation, which is the middle ground in which most people are comfortable. but for myself, being a slave and wired as a slave, i could not imagine having an independent financial life of any sort. also, it absolutely does not go both ways...he is privy to everything concerning me, and i am privy only to what he wishes to share with me. or as Daddy says, "your business is my business, and my business is MY business."

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 12

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 2:58:17 PM

MaxsGirl

Posts: 355
Joined: 12/2/2010
From: The Arctic Circle
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

When i was a slave he had full access to everything about me. This did happen over time. However, i do believe also many D/s and M/s relationships don't last long enough for this type of trust to acclimate and solidify, so there is always distrust or feeling uncomfortable with having no control. Most people in this world really don't know how to trust anymore. Did he utilize all the info, i doubt it, but as he had absolute control over my life so access to same was logical. What most people would have issue with was, while i knew where to find information if i needed it because he wasn't capable of being asked, i did not know all of the personal information he knew about me. I was his slave, i had no expectation of privacy from him. I never felt uncomfortable or exploited because he had this power and control over me. It simply seemed correct to me.

If i couldn't trust him with my money or private information, how could i remotely trust him with my physical person and life or something utterly sacred to me? To me, this concept is the very basic of such a dynamic -- trust is trust, either you trust him fully or you don't.

angel

Ditto here. Alpha owns all the material posessions, and my paychecks go to him. He portions out money and belongings as I need them. But that's what works for our relationship, and certainly wouldn't work for anyone. Part of our dynamic is that he is my protector, and leader in all things. It takes an extreme level of trust to know that he will take better care of me than I can by myself. Not everyone has earned that level of trust, or can earn it, or even should earn that. If you have doubts, go with your gut. There's nothing wrong with self preservation - in my case, I just go about it by letting him take care of things.

_____________________________

Property of rubbrdsir

Collared Fox and
Future Thru-Hiker!

(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 13

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 4:40:24 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

We live together. We have each other's passwords. I do his banking for him. However I do lock the bathroom door. That's non-negotiable.

But none of this came about until after we were living together.

Personally I suggest you forward this to support, as he is obviously an identity thief and needs to be dealt with harshly.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MaxsGirl)

Post #: 14

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 4:59:20 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

I received a ridiculous message from a man who claimed he would need my social security number and bank account number. Of course I am not stupid and pretty much laughed him away.

As DesFIP says, I would forward that message to support as He is most likely up to some dishonest shit and isn't to be trusted. You could be saving yourself a HUGE headache.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 15

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 5:39:56 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Kim and I have access to each other's accounts, including pin numbers and such.

I can understand being gunshy when hving been burned before, but it is comforting to enjoy that level of trust and intimacy with someone.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 16

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 5:40:57 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

We share elliot's bank account actively. We have elliot's SSN, but We needed, in part, to add it as part beneficiary on Our life insurance policy, and it could have Ours if it ever had need. The boy isn't yet on Our personal account, mostly because We keep forgetting to do it.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 17

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 8:09:27 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Technically I have zero privacy with Master. While he has never asked for something like my ssn or bank acct number yet, I'm sure one day he will and I will give them to him. That's his perogative. I am in a relationship with this man. Why would I NOT let him have this infomation? If I didn't allow him to have control over all of my life what am I saying about the trust I have in him?

Now he does allow my certain privacies but one day he may decide to take those away and that's just how it would be. It's his choice.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 18

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 8:26:07 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

In the relationship between the three of us there is no privacy. There is nothing that we do not or are not willing to share with each other. For us this is how it works. I would have no desire to be in a long term relationship with someone that I could not trust with that information.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 19

RE: How much Privacy do you have? - 12/23/2010 8:43:18 PM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

Well I work for him, so obviously he has all of my pertinent information. However he travels a lot and has had some health scares so I have full power of attorney as well as being named on his advanced directive. I am the sole beneficiary of his life insurance (no children) as well as the heir to his company and his assets. He pays me a weekly salary but it is mine to do with what I want, he pays all of the bills. He's older than me by 16 years and has the mindset that it is the man's job to provide financially if possible. He is stubborn that way and I know I am lucky in that aspect even if some people have issues with it....

We do have a trusted joint attorney that handles these things for us but I am not going to enter into a relationship with someone that basically keeps me in the dark about financial matters and hands me an allowance. No more than he would accept not having access to my passwords, which is fine by me, I have all of his as well. To my knowledge he has never once looked at my email or my phone texts, but he could. I don't look at his either.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 20

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