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ORIGINAL: Real0ne

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ORIGINAL: SexyBossyBBW

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ORIGINAL: Real0ne
In that once upon a long time ago when I was quite new, I was severely beaten and abused in a hotel setting, and once again meeting at the Domme's home for "trial" where in that particular case I flew in at night and was hauled out into the middle of nowhere and wound up sleeping with a huge butcher knife under my pillow until I could make my exit the next morning.  I wont go into details but I was in fear for my life.

That was several years ago and to my surprise even today I seem to attract those who demand its all about them (and thats kool), but at the same time take no consideration of what my past experiences has deemed unsafe meeting arrangements even when explained to them.

So, you're attracted to the type who would take ownership immediately, and insist on having her way. You are also cautious because you've been abused in a meeting with just such a character. Do you really have the right to complain, and call it abuse, if she behaved exactly as you said you desired?

I am not sure that your take on what I said is the same thing as what I said, but you make a good point nonetheless and have given me pause for thought.  I have to think about that.

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I seem to attract those who demand its all about them (and thats kool), but at the same time take no consideration of what my past experiences has deemed unsafe meeting arrangements even when explained to them.

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ORIGINAL: SexyBossyBBW
This is largely what I was focusing on.    I don't think it's realistic for you to acquiesce to a domina, without knowing what kind of human being she is.
Aside from that, I recommend common sense, and not an extended amount of online communication, before a simple meet; because if she is anything like me. considering pixels on a screen, will b9g
fairly quickly.     M

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ORIGINAL: Real0ne
That is possibly the best method of meeting that I have heard to date.  People can meet in a social environment and if there is no personal connection turn around and immediately socialize with others.  The idea of insisting a safe call is also an excellent approach imo. 

Really that is another point, that the Dominant needs to be safe as well, and my concern, being the sub and benevolent I tend to worry more about my butt and from experience I can say that once a sub is in bondage what ever is going to happen happens and the Dominant is in total control.  Great suggestions....

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ORIGINAL: Real0ne
Its difficult to understand another's mind, especially a Dominant when they do not offer it up freely and what is not said is not known

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I am not sure why one person would feel they are above "initially" accommodating the sub on something as important as feeling comfortable on the first meeting and then afterward slip into full D/s posture

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LadyHibiscus
If a person behaves in a way that makes you uncomfortable before you have even met, they are not the person for you! Just move on, and don't worry about their motivation.

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ORIGINAL: RedBottomGirl26

Sexyred, seemed to have some pretty solid advice, but some men just get a little sidetracked. You can't realistically expect a man to pay attention to you all the time. Yes, it would be nice, but that isn't very realistic, he may get tired talking of the same things, or he may think you are a self-absorbed person if you go on about your hobbies or life stories, so it can be good to ask him about his life and hobbies, though some men aren't really very open even about simple things.

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ORIGINAL: cloudboy
(1) Have a power of attorney executed in advance.

(2) Prepare to sign all financial instruments for a transfer of ownership.

(3) Be pre-fitted for a neosteel chasity belt.

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ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Have I ever mentioned to you that maybe your Mistress needs to beat you more often? 

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ORIGINAL: cloudboy

(1) Have a power of attorney executed in advance.

(2) Prepare to sign all financial instruments for a transfer of ownership.

(3) Be pre-fitted for a neosteel chasity belt.

(4) Be able to demonstrate competency in the domestic arts.

(5) Let her speak first then follow her lead. Never blather on with your answers and don't go off topic.

(6) In your specific case, keep all conspiracy theories related to the US government, your neighbors, friends, family, or large corporations to yourself.

(7) The interview will go better if you can mention: (a) that your boat is docked at a nearby marina; (b) you have a second home in Aspen, Las Vegas, The Berkshires, or Martha's Vinyard etc. (Just mention one of the homes if you have several, you don't want to show off. Keep it casual and matter-of-fact.)

(8) If she hates crossdressing, you hate crossdressing. If she "doesn't get" cuckholding, you don't get cuckholding. Agree on the negatives, but show interest in the positives (she likes canes and crops) without looking too eager.

(9) If 1-8 are outside of your comfort zone, be sure to at least demonstrate (a) competency in world; (b) listening skills; (c) adequate grooming habits. If dining out, offer to pick up the check. Don't burp out loud while together. Don't mention the size of you dick unless she asks. Don't speak about sex. Limit your alcohol intake to two drinks, maximum. Don't talk on your cell phone while together, which also means no text messaging.

Be ready to mention an interesting hobby with a related anecdotal story. Sky diving, scuba trips, luck on a craps table, hiking in an exotic location, anything involving a helicopter, or meeting a famous person will do. Keep the story on the short, tight side. If she asks question, then you can elaborate.

(10) If she fails to shows up. If she turns out to be a dud. If you are otherwise turned off; -- keep the power of attorney in your brief case and allow yourself more latitude than is prescribed in 1-9.

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ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

Well, I am not an owner ... but maybe looking for one.

That said, while i am not trying to brag, i will say, i have met many Dominant Women over the years. And honestly, the best advice is to be a gentleman!

Treat a Lady as a Lady, vanilla or otherwise, and you will find friends, if not more!

Where you meet, will depend on the Lady. Some will stick to public places, yet i have had Ladies ask to picked up at home, because it is a date. Take your cue from Her, assuming the two of you have exchanged email, phone or something. This is easy. Have three or four different suggestions in your back pocket. She will tell you which one is right for Her.

Where you go will also depend on the Lady. Some will want to meet for the proverbial coffee, some will be willing to go out to dinner with you. Again, it all depends on Her! This is really the result of the earlier mentioned suggestions.

On the date, BE A GENTLEMAN! Never bring up kink. Do not discuss it UNLESS She brings it up! Rather, have a few questions about Her in your back pocket. Ask about Her job, favorite movies and so on. Be interested in learning about Her!

Leave the cackling crackberry off (well, unless you are meeting at your job, but that is not a first date ;)

And be a Gentleman!

Truthfully, meeting a Lady here (or anywhere else in the kink world) is NO DIFFERENT, then vanilla! Put your best foot forward ... and ...

Be a gentleman!

At worst, you will make a new friend!

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ORIGINAL: RedBottomGirl26

RealOne, I felt the need to respond to you, especially since the things you mentioned seemed horrible for it to happen to anyone, where you were in fear of your life. Actually, after I read Ladypacts response, I also thought of whether it was even safe for me to ask for the Dom's address...as one person commented, even them giving you an address or phone number might not be legit, they could give you a friend's and they might not even be where they said there were from, but once you've met them, it might be too late to take back the knowledge you've already shared. I must admit, I don't want to appear paranoid or leery of people now, though I kind of always have been, even when I agreed to meet people I never fully trusted anyone I was with (even the people who seemed nice). I felt that everyone deserves a break and for you to trust them sometimes, yet if you place your trust too easily in someone, is it much easier to be disappointed.

Yes... the dynamics of internet dating is unnatural and frankly I do not like it.   It tends to try and defeat mother nature with the kid in the candy store approach.   The attitude that because there are so many to choose from the false impression that you can walk up and pick someone off the shelve and presto shazamo you have an insta slave. 

Another problem and I am sure everyone has at one time or another ran into regardless of their niche.... is that this kind of lifestyle is a magnet for people who frankly cannot make it in the nilla world.  Meaning that what is a dysfunction in the nilla world can now be masked or even hidden into a kink.  So I am not trying to make you nervous here but in a natural setting people tend to be in contact with each other for other reasons than dating or bdsm and attractions grow based on  fundamental laws of nature rather than prescription so that is a very good point.  Better to err on the side of caution.

But, I also have to think like a realist, even from my own experiences, most of the men I met turned out disappointing, or expecting too much from me (they never really seem to care about anyone's past except their own), so had already developed this mindset that...I was this perfect woman without any problems or barriers, the problem with that is that, again, they were only thinking of themselves and how great it would be to have a submissive "serve" them without thinking about other stuff, such as, she has a family too [not children or a husband but still, I am someone's daughter, someone's sister, and they rely and depend on me;there are problems like any family], they care about my safety. I'm not just so sex-ridden slut who goes out with any one any time, and the few times I do, I don't like others to make me feel like a slut, because I've usually carefully weighted the options there and if I am sleeping with someone there is usually a very good reason why I am. The more than I find young men messaging me, treating me like we're on myspace or any other site that is suppose to be used for one thing, yet people always make it a lame attempt to get laid; that really infuriates me really, I'm sure alot of other people feel the same, especially if you're older, you probably want something more substantive. I know I do.

In word yeh.  I would say moving to fast and to heavy I found to be a major factor in most that I have met.  I think there is a certain natural disconnect 2 main levels.  One that reminds me of my father the clown, when we were children and had cream puffs for desert he would catch one of the kids not paying attention and bop them on the back of the head (pie in the face), and then when they would complain he would smile and say what the matter I didnt feel a thing?  LOL

The one swinging the whip can get into it as fast as they like with no "worries" as its not their ass thats on the line! LOL

the next disconnect is that when a connection is felt often times I think its easy for a Dominant to go with that familiar feeling and push harder of move faster than the sub is capable.

There are several more variants, which all fall into the abuse category but I will limit it to the responsible unintentional scope.


Sexyred, seemed to have some pretty solid advice, but some men just get a little sidetracked. You can't realistically expect a man to pay attention to you all the time. Yes, it would be nice, but that isn't very realistic, he may get tired talking of the same things, or he may think you are a self-absorbed person if you go on about your hobbies or life stories, so it can be good to ask him about his life and hobbies, though some men aren't really very open even about simple things.

People in general make snap decisions.  I was shocked at the conclusions some people concoct about me.  I met this shrink whom in a couple of emails determined I was a raging alcoholic.   I literally busted my gut laughing.  Practicing shrink!  (and people actually send their kids to these types!) 

You are correct especially when people are together as in the same thing as being married day in and day out there is only so many times you can talk about your basket weaving hobby (for instance) before your partner is ready to strangle you....  If you have never been married talk over the dinner table is usually about the experiences of the day and whatever business or politics etc they are into that is constantly changing.  Even talking about kink as much as a turn on as that can be can get really stale after a while and its extremely difficult to match your partners physical, emotional and spiritual dispositions at all times.  The speed, depth, sensitivities, frequency etc.  How good can you juggle?  Human factors just keeps getting in the way...LOL 

Don't get me wrong I met one or two men who I was glad I met, maybe after things fell off due to their lack of interests, perhaps in a moment of despair I said to myself, I wish I had never met them, but the honest reality is, the experiences were good for me, it showed me there was more to my world, than the confined spaces I usually inhabit, & for better or worse, every experience can teach you about the human experience (there are some people I avoid, such as sadists for instance, but to me, I think I'm playing my cards right there, it would be too easy for a sadist to manipulate me, even I'm aware of that fact, and since sadists are usually very open about who they are, and since most of them are arrogant, you can generally tell who they are. Though one person also said, the most sadist person they knew was mannerly and followed her protocol as well, so maybe that's not always an indicator of safety, thanks for pointing that out by the way.

Well all sadists are not cut from the same stick.  There are different levels of sadists and frankly some sadists can be great fun....  Its important for you however as the recipient of their sadism to screen them very carefully so that you know the boundaries of their sadism and if its 50% of how far you are willing to go then when they expand their interests after 5 years of being together its about perfect for you,...  LOL

You are bang on however, I know many very mild mannered Dominants who will joke around, smile, even joke with you while they beat your butt bloody.   The one thing I would caution anyone on however is those who drink.  bdsm and alcohol does not mix.  Especially if your Dominant is a sadist!

My experience has been mixed, met people of all different states of mind, levels of desired engagement character and so forth...mostly good I would say over all....

the main thing imo is to be happy with yourself and dont let your desire to have someone or to be in a kink relationship overrule your better instincts!  If you can be satisfied with yourself and I know it can be damn hard sometimes its much easier to go into new relationships with a clear head and invariably will yield the best results over all.  (Its also a bit more lonely when you look for substance but the rewards are 10 fold).

Real One, yes I almost laughed when I also read your comparison to the "AOL" days [yet I didn't fully laught b/c I know that this was a real problem that frustrated many with the online roleplay], while that wasn't really before my time, when I first started using the internet way back in 1999, I was more concerned with high school work, and the only ppl I talked to were usually people my age, or perhaps just people in online hobby groups or internet gaming groups, so you really have little to fear from hobby people generally. However, I knew exactly how you felt about "down on your knees" types, it really makes me laugh, and it's a little sad that men actually think that approach really works.

Yeh it was annoying...

A true man who would make you melt, wouldn't have to say anything, you'd just do it automatically I think HAHA.   It can happen!

Ah, well, sometimes hind-sight can be a good help in determining future decisions is one thing I'm always reminded of, is that experiences may not always turn out good, but if you can't learn anything from it, then it wasn't a real experience (I do admit, some things aren't really worth the risk though, so if something doesn't feel right, if a person goes through with it, they will probably end up regretting it, it may seem stupid to patiently wait for the good things to happen, and alot of ppl might feel it wastes time.

Not at all.  Let nature take its course.  It may happen soon it may never happen.  You just sort of have to go with the flow, like watching a mystery movie that you have no idea how wit will turn out and just wait and see.  They main thing is be fulfilled in your life as much as possible.

But, I think good things are worth the wait, there's no satisfaction in the quick and easy fix, but if you've waited for something for a long time, sometimes you get alot of joy when you've had to work and wait for what you want).