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feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 2:14:02 PM

bettysnowflake

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/9/2010
Status: offline

hi everyone,
i am on a 7 day trial period with an online mistress and it is only day 2 and i love it... the only problem i have is that is that i feel guilty in the back of my mind because i'm not telling my family- they have no idea that i am even the slightest interested in being submissive and i like some parts of my life controlled... not only that, but i am wondering how to create balance between being submissive and exploring that along with my vanilla side??

Post #: 1

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 2:38:15 PM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

What does your family have to do with this? There is no need for guilt unless you have done harm to someone.

_____________________________

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(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 2

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 2:52:54 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bettysnowflake

hi everyone,
i am on a 7 day trial period with an online mistress and it is only day 2 and i love it... the only problem i have is that is that i feel guilty in the back of my mind because i'm not telling my family- they have no idea that i am even the slightest interested in being submissive and i like some parts of my life controlled...

Your profile says you're 26 yrs old. Do you live with you're folks or do you have family...partner/children? Why would wanting to explore "online submission" be an issue? You mention you would like online to possibly lead to offline....would that be any different with regards to "family" issues?

quote:

not only that, but i am wondering how to create balance between being submissive and exploring that along with my vanilla side??

Again, I'm not sure how you see this to be an issue. Maybe a bit more information would be helpful.

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 3

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 3:12:37 PM

bettysnowflake

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/9/2010
Status: offline

well, i think the reason that i feel guilty about keeping something to myself and not telling all about it is that i normally share some details about my life and for me to keep this to myself seems weird even though i know it was cause a lot of stress and crap if i did decide to tell them about my kinky side....

(in reply to slavekal)

Post #: 4

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 3:28:23 PM

Darkfeather

Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline

There are two ways to be honest with people. Always tell the truth, which can get you into trouble sometimes (believe me I know this to be true). The other is choosing to keep some things to yourself. As long as you are not openly lying about your situation, keeping certain aspects of your life private, especially if you feel they may cause adverse effects, may be the correct choice. Remember, ultimately, you live your life for yourself, no one else. Others make it easier, fill it with joy and happiness. But no one but you can validate or give your life meaning. Come to terms with who you are and if that needs to be kept private, so be it. Many kinksters do, so you are not alone.

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 5

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 4:01:34 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

What is it that eveyone wants to announce to the world that they're into bdsm lately??

I mean is this some kind of Christmas gift to everyone or something?

Same thing I said on a similar post just today....why in the hell do you need to tell everyone??

What is it going to accomplish? What is the motivation?

Believe me no one cares and no one wants to know.

(in reply to Darkfeather)

Post #: 6

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 4:43:24 PM

RedBottomGirl26

Posts: 55
Joined: 9/17/2009
Status: offline

Betty, I understand part of your concern, perhaps you are afraid people would think less of you, if you allowed them to understand further parts of yourself (you will find on average most people would not be shocked if you act natural about things). I think this is perhaps the biggest fear of most subs (and I think some Doms are like this too, any time you open yourself up to anything, there is a small chance something bad can get in. But, at the same time, if you are closed to everyone, then nothing good can get in either). It is a fine line to walk & I do sympathize with your situation. I am glad you are happy with what you are experiencing now, but just realize it is a really "new" thing, it could all fall apart faster than you might expect (esp. with it only being online only at this point). Take a few precautions to guard your heart & body a little bit, people can be selfish & uncharacteristically cold when the newness of you wears off. Though, maybe you will get lucky & meet the rare person who will go through with things they say they will.

Little wonder, aren't you being a bit harsh this time of year? Don't you think it's good that more people are trying to come out of the closest as it were (being ashamed of what and who you are is usually the prime factor of why most people are unhappy or discontented). Perhaps, people are just proud that they feel like they belong to something and have finally found something that they have sought, and just want to share it with someone (perhaps they can't with friends or family, & maybe sharing it allows them to feel a part of something greater than themselves).

I urge you to vere away from solely online stuff Betty, I really do (you might find after a time, it leaves you feeling more empty than full). It is fine to make friends with, but please don't expect too many relationships to form over a virtual format. It is fine as a starting tool to build on, but I urge you to get out there and try to make real connections (they can sometimes be disappointing, and maybe nothing like how you imagine it would be, but I also urge you to stick to real world solutions, letters are a great way of expressing yourself, but sometimes you just won't know how you truly feel about someone, until you are in person with them).

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 6:20:00 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I would find it much more freaky to reveal my turn ons to my family. Eww

quote:

ORIGINAL: bettysnowflake

well, i think the reason that i feel guilty about keeping something to myself and not telling all about it is that i normally share some details about my life and for me to keep this to myself seems weird even though i know it was cause a lot of stress and crap if i did decide to tell them about my kinky side....

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 8

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 6:58:02 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

Yes, I'm not getting the reason to tell them either.

I was listening to a discussion about the sub's family knowing about their lifestyle. They do not know the kinkster side but they do know that her husband literally runs the whole show. They were laughing because her family would say things like "have you called *Peter*? Won't he be expecting you to call? What did *Peter* say about that?"

Her family does not know about the kinkster part, they just see it as a very strong traditional Man runs the household type situation. To me, it sounds like a good solution.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 9

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 7:01:20 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Here's the other thread on the topic of coming out to the family: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3510073/tm.htm

14 years ago I was a bit conflicted about being both a strong assertive woman and a submissive. That was before I realized how much power subs have and the joys of power exchange :)

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 10

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 7:02:46 PM

wittynamehere

Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bettysnowflake

hi everyone,
i am on a 7 day trial period with an online mistress and it is only day 2 and i love it... the only problem i have is that is that i feel guilty in the back of my mind because i'm not telling my family- they have no idea that i am even the slightest interested in being submissive and i like some parts of my life controlled... not only that, but i am wondering how to create balance between being submissive and exploring that along with my vanilla side??

1) Don't feel guilty about having privacy from others. We all need and deserve privacy. Just quit feeling guilty - nobody cares, and it helps nobody (and hurts you).
2) You don't have "sides". There's no balance needed. If this is part of who you are, then accept yourself and stop trying to say you have "sides".
3) You're fine and perfect exactly as you are (unless YOU are unhappy with yourself, in which case it's up to you to fix it).

_____________________________

I almost never return to a thread, so if you saw my post and want me to hear your reply, please message it to me.

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 11

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 7:10:06 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bettysnowflake

well, i think the reason that i feel guilty about keeping something to myself and not telling all about it is that i normally share some details about my life and for me to keep this to myself seems weird even though i know it was cause a lot of stress and crap if i did decide to tell them about my kinky side....

Being kinky is new to you.

At some point you may decide to share this aspect of yourself to family and "vanilla" friends, but my suggestion is that you wait until you are feeling more comfortable in your own exploration.

If it feels odd to you to not tell them, let me ask you: do you openly discuss details of masturbation with these people?

My guess is problably not.

Think about it in those terms.
Not everyone has to be privy to every sexual detail of your life.

It is okay to have some privacy, just the way you would probably close the bathroom door.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 12

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/24/2010 11:04:25 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

You may want to consider that your family doesn't really want to have this knowledge. It's one of those things that can't be undone once you tell them. You may want to satisfy yourself with letting them know that there is someone new in your life that you're excited about and that's it.

It is kind of selfish on your part if you tell them something that they'd be uncomfortable isn't it? Why put that on them?

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 13

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/25/2010 12:49:42 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Does your mother normally call you up and tell you that she got it up the ass last night? Then why would you?

You relate to people as individuals. But at 26, if you aren't able to wait until you've actually met someone and decided if you want to see him/her again before telling your family, then your issues are greater than your sexual orientation. You need to do some hard work on having healthy boundaries.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Killerangel)

Post #: 14

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/25/2010 1:04:40 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Wow. I am extremely close to my family, especially my mother and while I share important things about my life, I would NEVER speak with her about being kinky or my sex life.

If you feel so guilty about being kinky and are looking to get absolution from that guillt by confiding in people you trust, such as your family, I would advise speaking to a therapist you trust about it.

Therapists are trained to be objective while families are anything but.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/26/2010 12:14:34 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

In the holiday spirit and knowing we all have some issues around family, today's quote of the day goes to the Divalicious SexyRed!

Sunny
Quote of the day!

Therapists are trained to be objective while families are anything but.

Amen, sister.

As an added bonus, a bit of a movie trailer to go with the quote... yes yes it's Thanksgiving, but the sentiment applies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGH0uZDnUZg

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 16

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/26/2010 6:49:37 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Boundaries, please. It's okay to have some secrets and areas of non-disclosure in your life.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 17

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/26/2010 8:11:51 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Wow!!! I made Sunny's quote of the day!! Now THAT is a a holiday bonus!

Love ya Sunny.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 18

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/26/2010 8:34:29 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

I think it depends on whether you're into kinky sex or BDSM lifestyle.

If it's sex, there's no need to tell your family what you do in the bedroom. I'm sure you don't feel like you're hiding anything if you don't specifically tell your family when you go to the bathroom...some things are done in private for a reason.

If it's lifestyle though, I don't see why you shouldn't tell them. You don't have to sit them down and say "Mom, Dad, I'm into bondage" but I don't see why you'd need to call your Mistress your "girlfriend" around your family if that's not who you really are...to draw a parallel, I'm sure there are some parents who don't want to hear that their kid is gay but you wouldn't tell them to call their boyfriend their "friend" either, you know?

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 19

RE: feeling guilty about being submissive - 12/26/2010 9:52:40 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bettysnowflake

well, i think the reason that i feel guilty about keeping something to myself and not telling all about it is that i normally share some details about my life and for me to keep this to myself seems weird even though i know it was cause a lot of stress and crap if i did decide to tell them about my kinky side....

Would you tell people/family about your first blow job?

How about the moment you lost your virginity?

Ever think, maybe, your family/friends dont want to know?

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to bettysnowflake)

Post #: 20

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