Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 12:46:34 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

No relationship, by virtue of its label, is any more trusting, honest, intense etc., than any other relationship. The relationship is what the participants make it.


QFT.
 
My husband and I are both kinky people, but since both of us are dominant and neither of us switches, our relationship is vanilla.  It doesn't get more trusting, honest, or intense than what we have.  BDSM has nothing to do with that.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 1:37:56 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

No relationship, by virtue of its label, is any more trusting, honest, intense etc., than any other relationship. The relationship is what the participants make it.


QFT.
 
My husband and I are both kinky people, but since both of us are dominant and neither of us switches, our relationship is vanilla.  It doesn't get more trusting, honest, or intense than what we have.  BDSM has nothing to do with that.

Exactly!  This is true for a lot of D/D couples who don't have any kind of power exchange with their primary partner.  We're still having the depth of trust, honesty, and communication that folks want to attribute to D/s.  We're literally having the same discussions on the same topics and all of that other stuff without a lick of authority transfer.  With this in mind, it has to be considered that it's not the power, it's the people.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 1:54:35 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

it's not the power, it's the people.



Too right.  On the other end of the spectrum, my ex-husband and I did have a BDSM dynamic.  Or, at least, we were supposed to have one.  (Passive-agressive masochists /= subs, as I discovered.)  But we never had the level of emotional intimacy or the authenticity that I have in my current marriage, even when our relationship was at its best.  It was harder to save up the money for a divorce than to recover from the end of my first "lifestyle" relationship.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 2:04:49 PM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subforherMaster

In speaking with another submissive, the topic was raised of how to heal and make sure you are over one relationship before attempting to starting another. I agree with most everything I have read on this site about approaching an M/s or D/s relationship just as you would a vanilla or average everyday one. The question is, does anyone else find that a M/s or D/s relationship is more to difficult or time consuming to overcome when it's done? Especially if you are on the down side (having been let go or had a sub end the relationship).


I don't think so. I know that when this relationship ends if he should go before me, I'll be devastated. It isn't because he owns me or because he makes 99% of the decisions. It is because we are so well suited to each other. We got the ideal match in one another, we are a perfect fit. It just so happens that part of that match is that I'm very submissive and he is very dominant, but it is just one piece of what makes our relationship incredible and just click. We know completely vanilla couples who have luckily found similar matches and I have no doubt they would be equally as devastated should their relationships end.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to subforherMaster)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 2:55:41 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		People with healthy boundaries, who have good relationship skills and who are hard wired for a power relationship will invest deeper in such a relationship, which is more satisfying to them than they will in a nonpower relationship where they do not feel as fulfilled.

Of course, if you aren't capable of having a strong relationship, then it doesn't matter if the relationship could otherwise fulfill you.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to BeingChewsie)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 3:02:12 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		My marriage isn't what others term bdsm but it was intense, strong, deep, completely open and honest and extremely transparent. After he passed away it took me almost 10 years to be able to really move on with my life.

My relationship with Master has the same intensities and if our relationship ever ends it will hurt just as much.

For me this has nothing at all to do with bdsm or kink or fetish or d/s. It has to do with the fact that when I am in a relationship I invest myself completely and utterly. Every fiber of my being is committed to it in every single way that is possible and even impossible I think at times.

If I'm going to be in a relationship of any kind it's definitely not going to be half hearted. It's all or nothing.


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 3:58:43 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subforherMaster

In speaking with another submissive, the topic was raised of how to heal and make sure you are over one relationship before attempting to starting another. I agree with most everything I have read on this site about approaching an M/s or D/s relationship just as you would a vanilla or average everyday one. The question is, does anyone else find that a M/s or D/s relationship is more to difficult or time consuming to overcome when it's done? Especially if you are on the down side (having been let go or had a sub end the relationship).

I don't think that it's the BDSM or the mundane scene that makes the difference to the time it takes to heal. And I persobally don't think relationships ever end as one carries the memory of every relationship around in one's head. I've often said relationsjips never end.
However as for healing? It depends on the nature of the wound.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to subforherMaster)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 3:59:28 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		PRINNIE!!!!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 4:03:48 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

PRINNIE!!!!

YEH!!!
xx


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 5:41:34 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		*FR*

For me, I have only had one D/s relationship and that is with DB (who brought me into this). He and I have been together for 7 years and the things that we have done and the places I have allowed him to take me go beyond what I have experienced before. However, my divorce ripped my heart out. I have felt pain during my relationship with DB when things haven't been all that great. It was horrible, and my heart broke. To say part of it was because of our D/s relationship may be accurate (for me). In my experience, any trust that has been betrayed or promises broken feels like a death to me.

As an aside, I applaud UniqueRaven for being content in her world as it is now. I feel the same way. Whether in a relationship with DB or anyone else, I'm happy with the life I have right now.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/27/2010 10:17:43 PM   
plushiecat


Posts: 109
Joined: 12/18/2005
Status: offline 		Why is it insulting?  Simple.  One is not better than the other, and to suggest otherwise is something I find to be insulting.

(in reply to Frenzyandpoise)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/28/2010 3:02:46 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Perhaps what I am not saying very clearly is that if your (generic "your") vanilla relationships are not as deep, as emotionally transparent, etc., it's because YOU didn't make them so. You weren't true to yourself, didn't give your all, whatever. It's not the nature of the relationship, it's that you weren't true to yourself. No relationship where you are untrue to yourself, or not living an authentic life, is going to be as difficult to get over as one where you are those things.

Cali




But it takes two to be emotionally transparent. In my long term vanilla relationship I was never able to entice deep and intimate thoughts from my partner. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find a way to get into that mans head. When I touched on kink he backed off like it was something sordid and something to be feared, when I tried to touch on things that I personally needed to heal from he backed right off.
When I got into my first BDSM relationship it was like an open door. I could talk about things intimately for the first time in my adult life. I told him things I hadn't ever dare tell anyone, especially my long term partner and I did it without fear of rejection. I never wanted to be thought of as a slut but that is exactly how my long term partner thought about people like me. That's why he could never know.
When my first BDSM relationship ended I did feel more vulnerable. I had opened and revealed Pandora's box and there was now another living thinking human being that walked this earth knowing just how I thought deep down, sexually and mentally. I had trusted someone so much that I had allowed him in to my inner most secrets and when he was gone, he took those secrets with him.
I remained with my vanilla long term partner for many years because he was a good man. He was a prude and he wasn't interested in revealing his deeper thoughts or knowing anything about mine but he was a good dad, an honest and trustworthy character, a hard worker and a caring man. When we separated I felt nothing like as blown apart because all we had to share out was our material wealth. He didn't know me, I didn't know him, Oh I thought I did at the time but now I understand that we knew didly squat about each other.

Some people try real hard to get inside someones head and understand whats going on but when your constantly faced with a brick wall, its actually NOT your fault.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/28/2010 3:21:16 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: plushiecat

Yup.  :)  It still will bug me when folks will try to claim one is better than the other tho'.  *shrug*


Wow you have completely over reacted.
Surely all of this is about personal experience? I know that my vanilla relationship was nothing like as deep as my D/s relationships and so for me it was better and I make no apology for that.
My vanilla friends are respected and loved as much as my scene friends. I may keep secrets from my vanilla friends when I don't tell them about my lifestyle but I also keep secrets from scene friends because I rarely allow them access to my vanilla friends!

The thing is this; If I was in a long term vanilla relationship but had all this kink stuff inside of me, will I share it with him? or will I keep it a secret? I may keep it a secret because of the way I know he will react to it and its such a BIG secret. The more I keep it secret from him, the less he knows me. He may think he knows me but 'WOW' he's in for a surprise if he ever finds out.

On the other hand, lets say I am totally not into any of this and neither is he. We don't have to keep any secrets and therefor our relationship is just as strong as a D/s/BDSM one.
Its when we start hiding things that our relationships can't have transparency and believe me, that's a place I never want to go back to.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to plushiecat)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/28/2010 4:45:34 AM   
plushiecat


Posts: 109
Joined: 12/18/2005
Status: offline 		I feel bad that you feel that you might have to keep your kink side a secret to anyone.  Both my mates know of it.  They simply aren't into it.  There are no secrets with us.  And, I feel that what I have in my vanilla relationship is just as strong as any I've had with D/s.  But, for someone to make blanket statements that one is better?  No.  I do not like that at all.  Neither one is as a whole.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/28/2010 6:04:44 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I keep all of this side of me a secret from my children because all they want is a good wholesome mum and they can have that without having to know the rest.
I have a few close vanilla friends that know some of what I am but certainly not all. I don't for example tell them that sticking a urethral sound up a guys cock may be part of my Saturday nights entertainment. I allow them to know what I think they can cope with.
My ex BDSM partner was very open about what he/we did and when we moved house and made new friends, he thought it would be fun to tell one particular guy what we were into. The guy was great about it and even came along with us to a BDSM club but he also told everyone else in the local vicinity. Life in that area wasn't so good after that and before long we became so ridiculed that we had to pack up and move.
I have mixed a few BDSM people with some vanilla friends but after a bad experience with a scene woman that ended up drinking too much before loudly spilling the beans, I do that with absolute caution.
A couple of bad experiences have made me wary but that doesn't stop my fun. D/s can be invisible and BDSM isn't just what I am about. I am very relaxed with friends on either side of this but then I don't have to live with them 24/7



_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to plushiecat)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/28/2010 8:13:37 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subforherMaster
The question is, does anyone else find that a M/s or D/s relationship is more to difficult or time consuming to overcome when it's done? Especially if you are on the down side (having been let go or had a sub end the relationship).



NO... I think the lost of something one values the most is what makes it more difficult and not the type of dynamic it happens to be. I would also indicate everyone has different process with grieving.... and a lost of a relationship is a grieving process! But.... I suppose there are weak ego people that need to inflate the whole M/s D/s relatiomship dynamic over that of others in order to feel better about them selves.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to subforherMaster)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/28/2010 9:25:08 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
In my long term vanilla relationship I was never able to entice deep and intimate thoughts from my partner. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find a way to get into that mans head. When I touched on kink he backed off like it was something sordid and something to be feared, when I tried to touch on things that I personally needed to heal from he backed right off.


Although it might look like I am contradicting myself I must also admit that this situation happened to me during the past year. I attempted a vanilla relationship. The purpose of the relationship was not to heal from anything BDSM...but I have to say that what went on in his head regarding anything nearing erotic or kinky was either completely non-existent or repressed beyond being guessed.
It's impossible to go backwards.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/28/2010 9:47:08 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subforherMaster

In speaking with another submissive, the topic was raised of how to heal and make sure you are over one relationship before attempting to starting another. I agree with most everything I have read on this site about approaching an M/s or D/s relationship just as you would a vanilla or average everyday one. The question is, does anyone else find that a M/s or D/s relationship is more to difficult or time consuming to overcome when it's done? Especially if you are on the down side (having been let go or had a sub end the relationship).


No.  Relationships are the people involved, not the type it is.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to subforherMaster)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/28/2010 10:07:41 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		When I say heal Prinsexx, I don't mean from the acts of BDSM. When I was with this long term partner, I had never done anything regarding BDSM but what I did have was some pretty diverse and sordid thoughts and I spent years believing I was the only one and that I was mentally ill. I needed to heal from being mentally ill, which of course I wasn't but believed at the time that I was. My deep imagination lived alongside me like dark shadow, an unwanted companion that wouldn't' go away and that threatened to ruin everything.
My healing came when I met others and discovered that I was only slightly batty and not a complete fruit cake!


< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 12/28/2010 10:08:51 AM >

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 59
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094