Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (Full Version)

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TakingYou1 -> Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 3:28:45 PM)

It has come to be my impression that there are many girls here seeking a dominant man to relive abuse they have suffered in their past. I am not saying that that is true of all. Nor do I believe that they are doing this on a conscious level. It strikes me that many of these girls are in fact angry...justifiably so. Speaking for myself, I have a real yearning for a very passive sort...calm, gentle, at peace. The girls who have been abused are anything but that. I would be interested in knowing whether anyone else have made similar observations.



Reasonable -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 5:01:17 PM)

You have to watch the heavy duty humiliation sluts carefully. In my past experience, they often have the very ulterior motive you express,and can easily turn on you.

Fun is fun,but when they finally transform YOU into the past abuser in thier minds-and it often happens-things can become very ugly indeed.



missturbation -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 6:03:09 PM)

Quote - i have a real yearning for a very passive sort... calm, gentle, at peace. The girls who have been abused are anything but that.

I would like to ask you not to make a sweeping generalisation like that. I myself have been abused, not a continual abuse, but twice through rape. I am not however an angry person about this and can be very calm, very passive at times.



akisha -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 6:21:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TakingYou1

It has come to be my impression that there are many girls here seeking a dominant man to relive abuse they have suffered in their past. I am not saying that that is true of all. Nor do I believe that they are doing this on a conscious level. It strikes me that many of these girls are in fact angry...justifiably so. Speaking for myself, I have a real yearning for a very passive sort...calm, gentle, at peace. The girls who have been abused are anything but that. I would be interested in knowing whether anyone else have made similar observations.


That's not really fair to say. 90% of women have been abused, you can't say that 90% of us a not calm and passive. Or that we're using BDSM as a relief for past abuse.
I've been molested and raped. I have no lingering issues that i "play out" in this life style. I know that I can not do play rape because i lose the "play" aspect of it in my head. So i have that as a "will not do"

Some people, men and women "might" gravitate towards this lifestyle because of it but certainly not all.



KnightofMists -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 6:31:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Quote - i have a real yearning for a very passive sort... calm, gentle, at peace. The girls who have been abused are anything but that.

I would like to ask you not to make a sweeping generalisation like that. I myself have been abused, not a continual abuse, but twice through rape. I am not however an angry person about this and can be very calm, very passive at times.


I agree ... it is a very sweeping generalization that is in my experience a very inaccurate generalization..



catize -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 6:48:02 PM)

Dominants are not therapists. 
I have read articles by dominants who believe they can provide 'healing' of past abuses just by virtue of their dominance.  That is dangerous territory indeed. 
Counseling and therapy belong within the confines of professionals. 
As to your question 'is it real submission?'  The word 'real' can only be determined between a given dominant and submissive. 



BeingChewsie -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 6:50:19 PM)

90% of women have been abused? Where does this stat come from? I don't believe that. I think that it a grossly exaggerated number.

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

quote:

ORIGINAL: TakingYou1

It has come to be my impression that there are many girls here seeking a dominant man to relive abuse they have suffered in their past. I am not saying that that is true of all. Nor do I believe that they are doing this on a conscious level. It strikes me that many of these girls are in fact angry...justifiably so. Speaking for myself, I have a real yearning for a very passive sort...calm, gentle, at peace. The girls who have been abused are anything but that. I would be interested in knowing whether anyone else have made similar observations.


That's not really fair to say. 90% of women have been abused, you can't say that 90% of us a not calm and passive. Or that we're using BDSM as a relief for past abuse.
I've been molested and raped. I have no lingering issues that i "play out" in this life style. I know that I can not do play rape because i lose the "play" aspect of it in my head. So i have that as a "will not do"

Some people, men and women "might" gravitate towards this lifestyle because of it but certainly not all.



gooddogbenji -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 6:56:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

90% of women have been abused? Where does this stat come from? I don't believe that. I think that it a grossly exaggerated number.



Actually, it could be true, or even higher.  Lets look at a few things:

How do you define abuse?
How do you define 90?
How do you define %?
90 % of what? 

The way I see it, not only have 100 % of women been abused (of those that have been abused), but those women represent 100 % of the population of women.  Abuse being defined as unsolicited physical or emotional contact, including eye contact, smiles, or sitting near in a crowded subway which were not expressly consented to in writing by said abuse victim.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not making light of abuse, (okay, I am, but I do think it is a serious subject) I am making light of statistics.

Yours,


benji



slavejali -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 6:59:20 PM)

I've been in abusive relationship...yet the people around me would say I'm the most together, calm, peaceful person they know...so your mathematics doesnt add up to me either...

But saying that...so I dont just shoot you down in flames, I think it would be important to work out with a potential anyone if their abusives pasts are effecting them in some negative way, I know for myself...I want a partner in relationship..not someone I have to work and heal.



alandraofMists -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 7:19:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TakingYou1
Speaking for myself, I have a real yearning for a very passive sort...calm, gentle, at peace. The girls who have been abused are anything but that. I would be interested in knowing whether anyone else have made similar observations.


i disagree over the bolded part of your statement.  i was abused for years (age 7 till 14)  i am told by most people that i am a very calm and serene person. i am very passive in my relationships, and quiet.

Some of the things that happened to me during my abuse have happened in play, sometimes there is no noticable reaction, sometimes there is a negitive reaction. none of this affects my behavior outside of play... quiet, calm and serene...

my behaviors and demeanor outside of the play scene are who i am, i have not allowed my abuse to chose how i see the world or interact with it. It happened to me and is a part of me but it is not who i am as a person.

The way i read your statement is that it is the because of abuse girls behave in an angry fashion.  If that was not what you meant, could you please explain what you do mean.

Knight's alandra



akisha -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 8:09:35 PM)

Sorry I stand corrected. It was when i took law in highschool that we learned 3 to 4 women out of 5 would be abused by the age of 25. I did a search and the number sits closer to 65%. But remember only 65% report it. What about those that don't?

Still. what happens in ones past may reflect on who they are but it does not mean it still runs their life.



Kimiko -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 8:16:54 PM)

I was sexually abused as a child and my shrink assures me that my attraction to submission is an attempt to replay the abuse, but change the outcome. She believes -and I am given to agree-that when I take on the role of a submissive, I deep down know that at any time I can stop the abuse. I think it is empowering. She suggests that these activities are dangerous. We will just have to see I suppose.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 8:29:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TakingYou1

It has come to be my impression that there are many girls here seeking a dominant man to relive abuse they have suffered in their past. I am not saying that that is true of all. Nor do I believe that they are doing this on a conscious level. It strikes me that many of these girls are in fact angry...justifiably so. Speaking for myself, I have a real yearning for a very passive sort...calm, gentle, at peace. The girls who have been abused are anything but that. I would be interested in knowing whether anyone else have made similar observations.


You stated this accurately - it is your impression.  I wouldn't ever want to relive the abuse I experienced.  I have, however, been able to face some elements of past abuse, with my Master.  That has been quite helpful in allowing me to tear down barriers which may have prevented me from submitting completely.

Reasonable - as for heavily humiliated sluts easily turning on someone.  Hmm.  To that I would say, not if done right.



juliaoceania -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 11:16:53 PM)

It depends on what kinda abuse one is talking about when we start posting stats. Some people would put sexual harassment in there, others only abuse when someone was a child.

I am not exactly calm or peaceful and suffered zero sexual abuse in my life and no other abuse as a child. I am not "angry per se either. What does calm and peaceful mean? Is it "serene"? I am not into serene... I am into endorphin rushes and adventure...lol.

About your question, at the risk of sounding like Oprah Winfrey or Dr Phil... perhaps it is something in YOU that attracts angry people? If I had a pattern of attracting the same negative type into my life time after time after time I would think that I was doing something to attract this type, or I was drawn to that type. It is not that we subs are all angry, it is that you attract or are drawn to angry subs... why not try looking at it from that angle?



Reasonable -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 11:35:19 PM)

I was making specific refference only to those I knew.

The truamas they has suffered in the past left them with...issues.....it was very unpleasant to have to deal with.

I am much more wary these days.

I never try to play therapist.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 11:44:49 PM)

Thanks for the clarification.  I had read it as a "generalization" comment. 



Reasonable -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (4/30/2006 11:46:50 PM)

I rarely speak of things I have no personal experience of.

I've been around the block a few times in this sort of craziness. Reminds me that I should avoid turning the corner the next time.[;)]



littleone35 -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (5/1/2006 7:08:39 AM)

I am with julia on this one i was never abused as a child.  I am also not a pain slut.  Then again not all pain sluts were abused.  One of my friends is a pain slut when she never used to be she was not abused as a child she just was trained to it by her ex Master.  I know i am rambling.

Matt's littleone



Tikkiee -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (5/1/2006 7:32:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TakingYou1

It has come to be my impression that there are many girls here seeking a dominant man to relive abuse they have suffered in their past. I am not saying that that is true of all. Nor do I believe that they are doing this on a conscious level. It strikes me that many of these girls are in fact angry...justifiably so. Speaking for myself, I have a real yearning for a very passive sort...calm, gentle, at peace. The girls who have been abused are anything but that. I would be interested in knowing whether anyone else have made similar observations.

I was abused as a child, yet I do not participate in S&M because of that. In fact, it has gone a long way in not only helping me to put my past to rest; it has also given me a calmness and a peace that I had not felt before discovering this side of me. I guess you could say it has given me focus [:)]



juliaoceania -> RE: Is Submission "Real" When It Relives Past Abuse? (5/1/2006 8:32:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

I am with julia on this one i was never abused as a child.  I am also not a pain slut.  Then again not all pain sluts were abused.  One of my friends is a pain slut when she never used to be she was not abused as a child she just was trained to it by her ex Master.  I know i am rambling.

Matt's littleone


I can count on one hand how many spankings my parents gave me, perhaps this is why I adore them today (grinning). I love pain because I am an endorphin junkie. I exercise daily just for my "fix". It has NOTHING to do with being abused, it has everything to do with the rush of chemicals that send you to outerspace...smiling here.



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