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BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 6:00:37 AM

ThePeripatetic

Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
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I'm just curious how the kinky people on CM choose to balance there BDSM with the ho-hum of domesticated life/family responsibilities. I've had this nagging fear that once you say your vows, produce some progeny, and settle into suburban hell, it's bye-bye kinky and hello binky. I know this doesn't have to be the case. In fact, I've had the opportunity to witness a D/D married couple juggle family duties and I've always respected/been in awe at how they were able to make it work.

I would appreciate hearing any examples of how couples get creative to keep the kink alive. Do you call up a sitter and take a date-night to play at the local fetish event? Or does the sub in the relationship wear a plug while running the kids to soccer practice? And please, I'm dying to know if someone out there has an 'American-dream', white picket fence house but with a hidden basement 'No kids allowed' dungeon. It seems like the possibilities are endless...

Thanks for reading and thanks for posting.
Regards

Post #: 1

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 6:31:01 AM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
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I am in a different situation then you describe..I am a divorced dad, seing my kid every other weekend and one day during the week.. I arrange my "lifestyle" schedule accordingly so I do not mix both.. basically, I have a daddy weekend and a perv weekend.hope this helps.

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RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 6:45:29 AM

ThePeripatetic

Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
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Thanks for the post Buzzzz. Yeah I'm just curious about any and all BDSM/family dynamics that are out there. For me right now, being unattached and young, it's pretty easy to pursue kink-related activities without worrying about other responsibilities pulling in a divergent direction. However, I'm sure there will come a time when that will no longer be the case for me. I'm just curious to hear how one maintains the lifestyle despite these other important obligations.

(in reply to Buzzzz)

Post #: 3

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 7:24:23 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
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Our major kink has always his control of me, and that can be done anywhere anytime, kids or not. The kids soon got used to the dynamic after a while... no point in asking mum for whatever they want because she is only going to refer us to dad etc. It's not rocket science...

As for the physical side of our kink, well that has always been behind closed doors, so no difference there.

When we were dating we did devote more time to the physical side, both of us being single parents we would meet up on weekends when we didn't have the kids, so we could please ourselves and completely ignore our chores for 48 hours or whatever time we had. So once we moved in together life would often take priority... on weekends the car needed cleaning out, or the gardening needed doing, the shopping, etc. Life does have a habit of rearing its ugly heard... so the trick is to find what your level is and work towards that.

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Post #: 4

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 7:28:15 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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my "life" will always take precedent over my "kink"

so.. no conflict with my 'domestic' stuff.

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RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 8:12:43 AM

petmonkey

Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
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i knew a Dominant couple who had a white picket fence life, a quarter-time nanny and a separate, tiny bungalow in another part of town for play and hang-out with other lifestylers and adult friends. They called it "the vacation home". It seemed like a good set-up in many ways. They could totally focus on their work-a-day life and UM's at home and had a place where they could fully relax elsewhere. They didn't even bother to keep hard alcohol in their main home, the bar was at the bungalow. They offset the expense of having it by using it as their only adult getaway space year-round, rather than going on little trips elsewhere (e.g. during Valentine's day/anniversary) or doing the rounds on the weekends to bars, clubs, restaurants, etc. They felt more relaxed about potential "emergencies" with their UM's (they were only 30 minutes away at most, if the nanny had to call, it was local and memorized ages ago), less stress about carving out time for themselves, and preparations for "travel" were nil.

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RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 8:24:45 AM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
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kids needs come first, we both have one from different marriages. most see us as old-fashioned i give him his meal first get his drinks etc i sit on the floor at his feel but have always sat on the floor to my daughter is usual to his son he thinks i am a hippy. the dynamic is always there but if the kids are around instead of saying master can i do x y or z i will say oh i need to go and do x y or z and he will say something innocent back. children not around then i ask and he gives permission. we both know what the other means. descions about what the children want etc are pretty much up to me unless it involves the whole family then i defer to master but it depends on what it is etc.

as for the bedroom that says behind the bedroom door so happens when he wishes it to happen. as some of you may remember my daughter found about a bit too much so lock your toys up and make sure the kids don't suddenly wake up when you are talking. but its all settled and she doesn't ask anything anymore she isn't convinced hes not my master but she doesn't ask or talk about her discoveries all she sees is us happy. one day when shes discovers the truth about bdsm i know i may be having a conversation with her but that is in the future and she may then not want to know.

so my advice is lock your toys up firmly away from prying eyes. accidents happen.

but the two do mix perfectly with a bit of work and agrements about how to follow protocal when teh children are around. no one in my family know nor will they ever thats just too freaky again tehy jsut see us as oldfashioned

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Post #: 7

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 9:54:33 AM

MaxsGirl

Posts: 355
Joined: 12/2/2010
From: The Arctic Circle
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I'm a divorced parent too, so we keep our kinky play to times when my son isn't here. The rest is just the way our relationship runs, and isn't anything we need to hide. To outsiders (or children) we just look like a traditional relationship with him in the lead.

My biggest concern is what will happen when we eventually decide to have a child of our own. Pregnancy and infants will present some challenges both to our kink, and to our M/s dynamic. When I need help doing everyday things because I'm exhausted from caring for a baby, I wonder how it will play out.

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Post #: 8

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 10:12:28 AM

SexyBlackMan2

Posts: 108
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Just like any vanilla relationship, a BDSM relationship takes work...

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Post #: 9

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 11:55:34 AM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
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i have been quite ill off and on for the last 4 months luckily it seems i am over it after eventually getting an operation but while ill and recovering from surgery he did a lot of the house hold tasks as it was my job then to get better and that was more important then the the jobs round the house. i felt terrible when i couldn't do things but as he said he wants me healthy and well and he ordered me to rest it made things easier and slowly i took over things again it didn't effect our dynamic and it still stayed i still asked to do things i couldn't ask him to get me drinks etc and he knew my difficulty here he used to stock me up with things where i was lying on the sofa so i didn't need to. Drs visits etc he came along and he came in with me so knew all what was happening this took pressure of me as i didn't have to say what i needed from him he knew ( i asked him if he would and he said he wanted to but didn't want to push it on me). although i am better and i have fully taken on all the things again i still get tired at night and he will let me rest and sleep on the sofa till bedtime and will silently go get what he needs.

its alla bout discussion planning and a bit of hard work to fit a family life in

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Post #: 10

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 12:16:58 PM

yellowroses

Posts: 167
Joined: 6/12/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith

Our major kink has always his control of me, and that can be done anywhere anytime, kids or not. The kids soon got used to the dynamic after a while...

As for the physical side of our kink, well that has always been behind closed doors, so no difference there.

This is very similar to how we do things. The control aspect is always there and I have been asked to wear a plug in the afternoon sometimes when he isn't home to prepare myself for anal sex later in the evening.

Most of the time I am instructed to not wear panties as well as I am usually in skirts or dresses.

To look at the 2 of us you would think that we are just 2 average maybe even conservative people. Most people would not guess that we are in the BDSM lifestlye or that we are Poly either for that matter.

yellowroses

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 11

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 3:00:50 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Vanilla people have difficulty carving out alone time. They worry about the kids overhearing them having sex. If it matters to you, then you will do what's necessary to make it happen.

Alternate sleepovers with a friend. One night a month they get yours sleeping over and two weeks later you take theirs.
Get a babysitter and go to a motel. Arrange to come in late to work one morning a month and work late to make up for it.

Learn how to soundproof the bedroom.

And I'm beginning to think that around here, the best thing for us to do noisier stuff is to park the minivan down the driveway and play in there on the bench. But not till the weather warms up.

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Post #: 12

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 3:24:40 PM

ThePeripatetic

Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
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Thanks everyone for the great posts. Some really interesting stuff so far. I really liked the idea of the "vacation kink bungalow"... of course something like that would totally depend on having some extra income to throw around and would probably be the first thing to go when times get tough. Ahhh, the joys of becoming an adult.

I'd be interested in hearing from any couples out there who maintain atypical gender roles. Are you selective as to when that dynamic is exhibited or is it 24/7 even with the kids around, PTA meetings, and dinner get-togethers w/ vanilla friends???

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 4:20:03 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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We've never had to hide it as there's not exactly anything TO hide. It's really a matter of fact thing.

To anyone looking on, we are a very well-matched, happy pair of humans who seem as if they understand each other.....and they'd be correct.

The children have known for years exactly what kind of relationship is going on here, it's just one type amongst many other types they see around them. Not much to write home about. It really is quite mundane, to be honest, as it's just *everyday* life.

agirl

(in reply to ThePeripatetic)

Post #: 14

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 4:39:12 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThePeripatetic
I'd be interested in hearing from any couples out there who maintain atypical gender roles. Are you selective as to when that dynamic is exhibited or is it 24/7 even with the kids around, PTA meetings, and dinner get-togethers w/ vanilla friends???

It isn't a role. It's who we are. He is always the person who steps up to the plate to take charge in a situation. I'm always the person who does the support work. People who know him know that he's going to take over in any situation where there isn't a clear leader. People who know me, know I'm never going to be the PTA President, but always the one working the book sale and the cookie sale.

You don't go around barking orders and calling your partner bitch or slut in front of your parents or hers. The person who takes charge in the relationship can do so without being an ass. It is just as easy to say "Honey, it's almost 9:00, we need to leave now" as it is to say "Get moving slave". And if you treat your partner with love and respect nobody will say anything. Because what your friends and family really want to know is that you are loved and happy. And if they don't care about your happiness, do you really want to spend time with them?

Two years ago the PTA President here was a father. Nobody cared.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 12/27/2010 4:40:05 PM >

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RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 6:49:54 PM

ThePeripatetic

Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
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Okay so maybe "role" isn't the right choice of vocabulary. I understand that for a lot of people in the "community" the "lifestyle" isn't a facade but a genuine part of their "identity", "personality", whatever you want to call. It just comes natural whether manifested in their daily vanilla life or in play. Yet as I peruse the message-boards, profiles, etc. I see stuff that is all fine and good in fantasy or for individuals who aren't tied down to family obligations... So yeah, just curious about how people approach this from a practical sense.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 6:57:00 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Like others said, there's nothing to hide. He is the leader, I am the follower He makes the decisions, he decides what to do, where we go, etc....doesn't matter who's around. We just look like a traditional couple.

As for the kinky sex....yeah, it's sex. We do it behind closed doors.

And like any other couples in the world, we make sure to slow down and make time for each other...date nights were always something that happened when my daughter was a child, just to make sure we didn't forgtet we were more than just parents but lovers.

Like I said, no different than any other normal couple out there.

(in reply to ThePeripatetic)

Post #: 17

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 7:14:29 PM

ThePeripatetic

Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline

And I'm not really thinking in terms of how people "hide" this part of themselves. That's not what I mean at all. I'm just curious to hear about any creative approaches people take when there might be a "conflict" between the lifestyle and daily-life (and again, don't mean to say that they can't be compatable). Hope that makes sense.

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Post #: 18

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 7:16:28 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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What do you mean by conflict? Seriously, I'm not understanding. I've never had conflicts so I'm confused on what you mean by that.

Maybe if you were a little clearer on what you mean by that then you would get the answers you're seeking.

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Post #: 19

RE: BDSM and Family Life - 12/27/2010 7:35:58 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThePeripatetic

Okay so maybe "role" isn't the right choice of vocabulary. I understand that for a lot of people in the "community" the "lifestyle" isn't a facade but a genuine part of their "identity", "personality", whatever you want to call. It just comes natural whether manifested in their daily vanilla life or in play. Yet as I peruse the message-boards, profiles, etc. I see stuff that is all fine and good in fantasy or for individuals who aren't tied down to family obligations... So yeah, just curious about how people approach this from a practical sense.

Doesn't this depend very much on WHAT you've *read* and *understood* in these profiles and on the message-boards?

It *comes very naturally* for DesFip with her chap.......it's comes *very naturally* to us. It just doesn't read like a D/s fantasy novel because it's.... well, not.

DesFip gave you a very clear example of her own practical approach, living it.

There is a myriad of stuff that might look as though it's fine *just* in fantasy but who knows what you're referring to, specifically.

agirl

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Post #: 20

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