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RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/1/2006 6:03:18 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll

a few visits are critical.....

but how well do you get to know someone in a weekend?
most people can keep it together for the 3 or 4 days you go to visit....we all know what it is to be on our best behavior.

in any relationship, no one is perfect. as time goes on, you begin to see the good and the bad, the endearing and the annoying. but you assess the imperfections and the things you love and that is what leads you to decide whether or not you want to continue.

i personally don't think most long distance relationships have the "quantitiy time" needed to get to know someone well enough to pack up and move 3000 miles.

I stayed with Master for 3 weeks before I flew back to pack up and move. He has chronic health problems and in that 3 weeks I got to see just how He lived and coped with it all. He would have totally understood if I had decided it was not for me. In fact while I was staying with Him I had to call an ambulance once and cope with quite a few hypoglycemic episodes (He is diabetic).

(in reply to pissdoll)

Post #: 21

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/1/2006 6:12:47 PM

Submotive

Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

what you are getting in to when you write that you will relocate. This is in response to more than a gizillion profiles that state relocation--with Im sure about 1% who really do---so here's the test--spend a weekend looking aound, really looking--at friends, your daily pattern, your home/house, your things, your stuff--your support group---the things you need to pack, leave, childrens lives, school friends---your address where everything comes, your Dr, your pharmacy, your familly.

Now think of the task of moving--packing, saying goodbye, starting all over where the only reason you are there is H/him or H/her-the cost of moving, starting new---is it enough? We do see stories like LittlePita where it worked, but we have seen may many more where it is a ruse, or where people when faced with it get cold feet---

Be careful, make sure you know what you are getting into--the thought of being carted off to some Dominants palatial home where you will serve naked is fantasy--especially when the cold hard slap of reality sets in.

Thoughts?

Self responsibility regardless of whether one is Dom/me or sub, is critical. If anyone believes another is actually truly responsible for their decisions and choices, therein lies the problem whether it involves relocation or anything else.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 22

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/2/2006 6:32:27 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Littlepita
Is the two-year mark because that is statistically the case with most relationships? Just curious about why you picked two years.

A mix of personal experience, cultural perspective and "that sounds about right."

There's nothing really scientific about it, just seems two years is a good chunk of time to have gone through the initial honeymoon phase, then adjustments, then just normal life bumps.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 23

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/2/2006 6:47:09 AM

Chaingang

Posts: 1727
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline

Hmmm, actually the numbers you seek are often stated as ranging from 4-6 years because most relationships between human beings are for procreation whether the participants realize that or not. It's 4-6 years because that's the average time it takes a man and woman to have a baby or two and rear them just beyond their most vulnerable, infant years. This would be an anthropological perspective.

Wiki says your nearly spot on though, depending on how one looks at it:
"On average, most American cohabiting relationships last two years before marriage or a break up; and 63% of cohabiting couples separate . Only about 10% continue to simply live together."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cohabitation

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 24

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/2/2006 8:50:14 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks
I wish CM would post a willing to relocate within a set number of miles or anywhere. For me 100 yes, 200 yes, maybe even 300 from here, but not much more than that. Willing to relocate does not always mean clear across the country or to another continent.

This most closely resembles my thoughts on the matter.
I am willing to relocate, just not to Alabama or another continent... I'm a romantic at heart who will take a leap of faith if I believe a relationship has the potential, but I as Twicehappy said, I would be sure to have enough to afford a way out of the situation (flying or driving back); otherwise I wouldn't feel safe enough to go in the first place. M

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(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 25

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/2/2006 9:28:37 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
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If someone wants to relocate to me, I tell them they must secure their own living quarters (rent an apartment, buy a house, whatever...), and secure their own employment. Once they have maintained those 2 criteria for at least 6 months, then I *might* consider a live-in situation.
I'd be a fool to let someone move in my home, with my son, and my family, if I've only met them twice over a weekend or something.
And I'm certainly not here to house some freeloader looking for a fantasy Mistress to support them.
Show me consistently, over time, that you are a self-sufficient and capable adult.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 26

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/2/2006 12:59:06 PM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

Having just come out the other end of this situation (albeit a relatively close relocation) i have learned more than my share of lessons. I am still in the process of kicking myself for allowing myself to end up where i am now. I am a well educated, self sufficient individual but the financial devastation I have suffered because of decisions based on the desire for a relationship and the wish to escape a nasty divorce have left me just short of living on the streets. And I was one whose profile stated I would NOT relocate.

I thought nothing of leaving my job, my family, my friends and moving from Houston to California to live with my now ex husband when I was 25. I had very few obligations and my financial debt was minimal. No big deal to move. This was not the case when at 41, I jumped at the opportunity to relocated just an hour away. I think as we get older and our roots are more firmly planted, relocation comes with a higher price tag.

The best advice I can give is to take stock in your life PRIOR to entering a relationship. Once involved in a relationship, better judgment can be left by the wayside as the desire for a happy, lasting relationship creeps in. View any relocation as if it were a sole proprietorship. Detail start up costs, consider how much capitol is needed to keep it afloat until it becomes established and consider how much capitol is needed should it fail (2 to 3 months living expenses in addition to relocating costs should you wish to move back to where you started). Set this money aside…consider this money a hard limit that is not to be touched…even TWO years into the relationship. Once you are financially able to relocate, consider the emotional aspects…your friends, family and all that is familiar is about to bear the burden of your decision. You are, after all, starting your life over again only this time on someone else’s terms. You are about to have the task of “fitting in” to their already established world.

Of course it’s not impossible. For some it is a relatively smooth transaction and life is wonderful. For others, they tried, it failed and they are able to continue on without missing a step. I only suggest having simply a back up plan which if needed, is indeed a fully executable plan and not simply a well thought out option that wavers as the circumstances change...

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(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 27

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/2/2006 1:00:53 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

Phoenix lived in New York.

I lived in California.

He flew out to California then got a train with me and came to Maryland with myself and my children. He stayed a week in Maryland with us then went back to New York settled things there then moved to Maryland with us. His family thought , still think he was crazy for making this move.

Would it have worked for everyone? I don't know, however; it worked for us. It wasn't easy and we both came into this situation with realistic expectations. We knew we were both starting over from ground zero. We knew it would be hard work and that somedays we would be stressed out.

I think that is the mistake many make when "relocating" to be with someone. Their expectations are simply not realistic and they have no plan B. They assume it will be a happy ending without admiting it may turn out to be anything but.

I would also say that you should always meeting the other person face to face before showing up at their door with your suitcase. It is so easy to be respresent yourself to be one thing or way online when in reality your something/someone totally different.

How is it safe to move in with someone you have NEVER meet face to face?

What if you move and have no job, no money, and your in an unfamiliar state or county out and it turns abusive?

What if you move and you relize there is not that connection?

Nika{Phoenix}

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 28

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/3/2006 10:58:38 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

There's nothing really scientific about it

I think we all gathered that.

------

MH, relocating is a complicated proposition. I imagine you and your boy will be learning all kinds of new things about each other. The key will be him creating a new home in NC. I don't know what other cliches to throw at you, but I'm following your story with all my earnest attention.

Its seems from afar that you and he are giving it a good faith best shot with a reasonable amount of due dilligence. I hope your choices and decisions are blessed with good fortune and long term rewards.

Here's my little two cents: When making a crucial decision, its usually wise to subject yourself to cross examination by a neutral, knowledgable, respected third party. Its important to see if your convictions stand up to a hearty but well meaning devil's advocate.

------

quote:

champagnewishes: View any relocation as if it were a sole proprietorship. Detail start up costs, consider how much capitol is needed to keep it afloat until it becomes established and consider how much capitol is needed should it fail (2 to 3 months living expenses in addition to relocating costs should you wish to move back to where you started). Set this money aside…consider this money a hard limit that is not to be touched…even TWO years into the relationship. Once you are financially able to relocate, consider the emotional aspects…your friends, family and all that is familiar is about to bear the burden of your decision. You are, after all, starting your life over again only this time on someone else’s terms. You are about to have the task of “fitting in” to their already established world.

Very thoughtful advice, champagne. Very thoughtful indeed.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/3/2006 11:09:40 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 29

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/14/2006 6:29:58 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

On thinking about this some more, I thought the definitive post on this subject that struck a chord for me was this one:

Collared and relocating inside 1-6 months?

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/14/2006 6:32:13 PM >

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 30

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/14/2006 7:03:09 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear MH00314, Ladies and Gentlemen;

When I do have individuals that have "willing to relocate," I have to wonder what they are trying to escape from or to.

Of course, there are those who are moving to the area anyway so, I just tell them let me know when they do arrive. For some reason, they don't contact me. [Chuckles]

There are those who really would relocate for the right person. But, they are wise to know that it takes a lot of time and visits back and forth. I consider it an investment. Plus, pulling roots up gets much harder as people get older and more settled in their enviorment.

Then, there are those who have children or parents that require out attention, which causes different pulls. Sometimes, it cannot be helped.

Like Proprietrix, I require slaves to understand that they must be able to support themselves and live outside the premise on their own. I want them to thrive should something not work out between us. I also found that some slave/submissives think, that being part of a Dominant woman's household, is a free ride on living, eating and other expenses. This does thwart young ones, as there was a sudden realization they were not leaving home with mother and daddy; into another parental relationship under the guise of M/s and or D/s relationships.

There are so many reasons why people are willing to relocate as there are those who will not.

Even if individuals meet each other local, that is no "sure fire" recipe for successful matches.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 31

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/14/2006 7:10:45 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Hello A/all,

I had a submissive a long time ago. She was all hot to get married, etc. She was lovely, except for a weird tendency to convince all and sundry in the room that she was a "natural submissive."

I didnt say anything.

At one point I found her a temporary contract job near where I was in an industry she knew nothing about. Told her "sure, you can live with me for the two months you are employed out here" thinking, in a psychotic orgasm-haze testosterone fog, that it would all be tea and crumpets.

Was I ever wrong.

Im not sure what it has to do with the thread. But I am not going to start living with somebody early on in the relationship again. Good things happen to those who wait.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Sinergy

_____________________________

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(in reply to mons)

Post #: 32

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/14/2006 8:13:58 PM

puella

Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Littlepita

We do marvel at how well it’s going for us and how much we really believe that we will be one of the lucky ones who make it. We also know we can’t get lazy and take it each other for granted. A happy relationship is nurtured constantly so that it thrives.

More true words have never been said, Littlepita... I wish you both the best in the future.

(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 33

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/14/2006 8:30:36 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

And, no offense to Pita, but they are still in the very new beginnings of living together. Situations that last more than 2 years are even less likely.

They're less likely, true, but not entirely out of the question. That is, provided the individuals involved have taken the time to really get to know this person they so desperately want to be with 24/7.

It took Master and me a year before I was comfortable with leaving my job and moving the 150 miles to His home, and He was comfortable with the idea of having a woman living in His home again. I've been here five years now, and we're getting married, so we must have done it right.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 34

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/15/2006 12:30:30 AM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

Hello MHOO,

I state I would be willing to relocate for "the right woman and the right situation".
I would not relocate at the drop of a hat however.

My former Domina and myself were 400 miles apart, Minneapolis to Chicago. We traveled back and forth many times, spending more time together than apart, at her residence. I would stay for a month or 2 at a time. go home for a few weeks to take care of my business there and go back to Chicago again.

We had plans for me to relocate there. Chicago being a 7 hour drive or less than an hour flight. It was close enough to test the waters and our relationship dynamic's without panicking. I would have completed the relocation process if my Domina's life would not have gotten extremely complicated involving having to care for 2 invalid family members, their emergencies and health care, a high stress job, a personal side business and from the drought in Chicago last summer the whole foundation of her home shifted so she also had to deal with everything around that mess, plus she is a high type A personality. So her time for a relationship became very limited even with all the work and help I was devoting when I was there, because it made everything so much more stressful when I left.

The relationship that we both desired would not have been as full and rich as we desired with-in the currant situation. She wanted me to be able to have what I deserved and she felt she would come up short on her end, so we decided that it would be best for me to move on and that she had would at this time tend to her life and not be involved in the lifestyle or even in a relationship at this time.

We still communicate and love each other but on a different level now. She is still supportive of me and is my friend and probably will be for life.
We know we learned and experienced what we needed to on our journey "together" and we want each other to be happy and as stress free as possible.

I, now in the future, probably would do nothing different. (except a longer distance I would give more thought to).
I would and I would advise others looking at LD or relocating to... First look at all those things you mentioned in your OP and if you can't see being away from and/or leaving any one those things behind, even with the thought that you can go back and visit, I would not even begin a try at long distance, it would not be fair to the other person involved because chances are you will not leave when the time comes.

Second, you need to get to know each other in real life on a daily bases making numerous trips for at least two weeks better yet a month at a time over a year or two span and things will become pretty clear if relocation is a good decision or if maybe moving on is a better road to take. I think this is especially true for the older generation of folks, younger people can bounce back more easily from a relocate if it dosen't work out than the over 40 crowd who are more set in their patterns.

For myself relocating would be a process and not a snap decision.

Taking the time to really know it's the right move takes effort and dedication to the other person and the respect for the truth and not how you feel in your heart.

When all things are good from most angles I definitely think things can work out and a person can transplant successfully. And maybe too a few can where people jump into it, but that is just not how I operate and I would say the success rate would fall dramatically.

Geeze, I didn't mean to rumble so long

but felt a need to express my take on it, if it helps only one couple it was worth it

.

*Brightspot

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(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 35

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/15/2006 8:02:38 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

As far as the time it takes to relocate, I think this depends on the "goal" of the relationship. There are studies that show that long courtships are not a predictor of relationship success in regard to marriage. In fact long term courtships before marriage seem to be less successful than short term (I mean longer than one year). Couples who cohabitate before marriage divorce more than couples that do not cohabitate before marriage. A sub/dom/me relationship is not a marriage, but I have not read the statistical info on them either (If someone knows of a study please tell me where to find it...lol).

My point is this, every situation is different so I could not predict how long or how short a courtship should be before I would relocate. I spent over two years getting to know someone, he lived 2000 miles away, and it didnt work out. Too much distance and too much time went by. It was a good thing I didn't move there, but perhaps there would have been a different outcome had I taken the chance? I will never know, and I am not regretting it for other reasons. Living life without regret is my thing, I do not like regret, and I notice I regret the things I did not do more then the things I have done. Life is a risk, calculate the risk you are willing and able to take and go from there. Every relationship is a risk, take it or don't.

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(in reply to brightspot)

Post #: 36

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/15/2006 8:09:37 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

brightspot, I adore you, as always VERY well stated, One can feel the passion and the feelings in the belief

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(in reply to brightspot)

Post #: 37

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/15/2006 8:17:05 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Master and I did everything wrong according to safety standards and every other standard, so I'm not a good one to speak to on this subject..........but here we are...and happy.

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(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 38

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/15/2006 9:08:07 AM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I did relocate-two years ago. And this summer, I will be relocating again to go to school. It isn't an easy choice, but sometimes, for some of us, it's the best choice. Of course, I'm used to moving :) I've been doing it my whole life.

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(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 39

RE: Relocation, be sure you know - 5/15/2006 9:10:10 AM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

And, no offense to Pita, but they are still in the very new beginnings of living together. Situations that last more than 2 years are even less likely.

Sometimes relocating is the best choice, but my advice is that there's really no reason to rush these things and plenty of reasons NOT to rush.

*raises my two year flag* Of course, things have changed a bit. No more D/s (but that was my choice)

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"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 40

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