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So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/12/2011 11:55:17 PM   
ThePeripatetic


Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline 		I know this is nothing new but what is it with so many folks posting on the forums throwing out lines like, “Why can't I find a Mistress?” or “Where do I find a slave?”

My initial reaction is “Check out your local community!!!” Most all metropolitan areas have something happening on a monthly if not weekly basis. Collarme is not the 'kink-be-all, end-all' as shocking as that may sound. In fact, I would venture that CM is not that effective in actually finding a partner for the vast majority of people. There are definitely a number of exceptions on here who have found exactly what they were looking for and good for them, these lucky bastards hit the jackpot! But for everyone else... your best hope lies either in meeting someone in the 'vanilla world' or attending events put on by your local BDSM community.

Now a number of things have crossed my mind:
1. Some people are nervous about attending their first event. ~ My Response: Understandable to be nervous (I can relate) but attending an event isn't that bad, really! Most communities host plenty of “munches”. These are social events where no play is involved, people wear street clothes (usually), and they are a great opportunity to interact with like-minded individuals. Very laid-back and friendly settings to meet great people!

2. “Going to a fetish club or public play event means I have to play but I don't have much experience.” ~ My Response: It's perfectly okay to stick to the sidelines and observe (just don't be creepy about it). And again, like the munches, this is a great way to be surrounded by like-minded kinksters. Meet some people, ask questions, and maybe someone will take you under their wing.

3. You are one of the unfortunate ones who lives in an area with no thriving community. ~ My Response: That sucks (but again, I can relate). I'd say just be patient and put a little extra thoughtful effort into your online search.

4. Final thought... some people are just looking for some easy jack-off material. ~ My Response: Stop wasting space on the forums. Find some porn!

Am I completely off-base here? I know some of you have been at this a lot longer than me, what are your thoughts?

(I'm sorry if this topic has already been brought up on the forums. I did an archive search but just came up with more of the same, “How do I find a blah, blah, blah....”)

_____________________________

"The Journey is the Destination" - Dan Eldon (One of my heroes. R.I.P.)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 12:01:45 AM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline 		People aren't here, online, because they want to be told to go elsewhere. They're here because this is where they want to search, in my opinion. So telling them to get off the computer seems counterproductive at best.
Agreed that it would be nice if people would stop using this site as a place to wank, but I won't hold my breath!


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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 12:13:59 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThePeripatetic

I know this is nothing new but what is it with so many folks posting on the forums throwing out lines like, “Why can't I find a Mistress?” or “Where do I find a slave?”

My initial reaction is “Check out your local community!!!” Most all metropolitan areas have something happening on a monthly if not weekly basis. Collarme is not the 'kink-be-all, end-all' as shocking as that may sound. In fact, I would venture that CM is not that effective in actually finding a partner for the vast majority of people. There are definitely a number of exceptions on here who have found exactly what they were looking for and good for them, these lucky bastards hit the jackpot! But for everyone else... your best hope lies either in meeting someone in the 'vanilla world' or attending events put on by your local BDSM community.

Now a number of things have crossed my mind:
1. Some people are nervous about attending their first event. ~ My Response: Understandable to be nervous (I can relate) but attending an event isn't that bad, really! Most communities host plenty of “munches”. These are social events where no play is involved, people wear street clothes (usually), and they are a great opportunity to interact with like-minded individuals. Very laid-back and friendly settings to meet great people!

2. “Going to a fetish club or public play event means I have to play but I don't have much experience.” ~ My Response: It's perfectly okay to stick to the sidelines and observe (just don't be creepy about it). And again, like the munches, this is a great way to be surrounded by like-minded kinksters. Meet some people, ask questions, and maybe someone will take you under their wing.

3. You are one of the unfortunate ones who lives in an area with no thriving community. ~ My Response: That sucks (but again, I can relate). I'd say just be patient and put a little extra thoughtful effort into your online search.

4. Final thought... some people are just looking for some easy jack-off material. ~ My Response: Stop wasting space on the forums. Find some porn!

Am I completely off-base here? I know some of you have been at this a lot longer than me, what are your thoughts?

(I'm sorry if this topic has already been brought up on the forums. I did an archive search but just came up with more of the same, “How do I find a blah, blah, blah....”)


I think you are generally right on target.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ThePeripatetic)
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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 12:19:31 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I'm never quite sure what the logic is that suggests to people that refining your searching to only the people that would be at a select local event on the day you go is somehow a more likely and productive method for finding a potential partner or play-person than scanning the wide breadth of potential contacts that can be made online.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 12:27:45 AM   
ThePeripatetic


Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

People aren't here, online, because they want to be told to go elsewhere. They're here because this is where they want to search, in my opinion. So telling them to get off the computer seems counterproductive at best.
Agreed that it would be nice if people would stop using this site as a place to wank, but I won't hold my breath!




Sorry, let me clarify... I don't want to push people away from Collarme. Not at all. I would just prefer to see more constructive discussions taking place on the forums sections rather than seeing the same sad story of people saying "Where do I find him/her". I know what it was like to be a complete wide-eyed newbie to the kink world, it can be intimidating. But I just think for a lot of these folks, it would do them more good to sit back and read what people have to say and/or ask some thoughtful questions rather than the typical one liner of "I want a Mistress!"

Granted, there are some people here who are never going to change, won't listen to any solid advice, or are just straight-up wankers. But I know there has to be some lurkers who are curious as to how to get involved or are legitimately wondering how do I meet someone. My advice to them is to check out their local kink community and not just rely on CM.

_____________________________

"The Journey is the Destination" - Dan Eldon (One of my heroes. R.I.P.)

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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 12:32:54 AM   
ThePeripatetic


Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

I'm never quite sure what the logic is that suggests to people that refining your searching to only the people that would be at a select local event on the day you go is somehow a more likely and productive method for finding a potential partner or play-person than scanning the wide breadth of potential contacts that can be made online.


Point taken. However, it's just like building your network in a business setting. The more people you connect with the more potential there is for expanding your network. It's true that you may not find a compatible partner within the confines of one munch group but those people you just met have friends, those friends have friends, etc. Furthermore, why limit yourself to one munch group or one area's BDSM community? Travel a bit, check out the neighboring city's munches, etc.

Edited to also say... again, I'm not saying to give up altogether on finding someone through CM. It's definitely possible to find someone and worth some thoughtful effort. But the function of the forums is not to be a personal Classifieds area, that's what the other side is for...

< Message edited by ThePeripatetic -- 1/13/2011 12:36:14 AM >

_____________________________

"The Journey is the Destination" - Dan Eldon (One of my heroes. R.I.P.)

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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 12:36:29 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThePeripatetic


Point taken. However, it's just like building your network in a business setting. The more people you connect with the more potential there is for expanding your network. It's true that you may not find a compatible partner within the confines of one munch group but those people you just met have friends, those friends have friends, etc. Furthermore, why limit yourself to one munch group or one area's BDSM community? Travel a bit, check out the neighboring city's munches, etc.

The more avenues the better, surely. Fair point about the 'degrees of kevin bacon' connections you can likely make. I just tend to see munches and group meetings as much more oriented to people already coupled or not specifically/actively looking. And, unless you are the social butterfly, it can become a defeating experience. Granted, going in with less expectations and just hoping to make friends and friendly acquaintances is much more likely to be productive.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to ThePeripatetic)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 12:49:52 AM   
ThePeripatetic


Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero


quote:

ORIGINAL: ThePeripatetic


Point taken. However, it's just like building your network in a business setting. The more people you connect with the more potential there is for expanding your network. It's true that you may not find a compatible partner within the confines of one munch group but those people you just met have friends, those friends have friends, etc. Furthermore, why limit yourself to one munch group or one area's BDSM community? Travel a bit, check out the neighboring city's munches, etc.


The more avenues the better, surely. Fair point about the 'degrees of kevin bacon' connections you can likely make. I just tend to see munches and group meetings as much more oriented to people already coupled or not specifically/actively looking. And, unless you are the social butterfly, it can become a defeating experience. Granted, going in with less expectations and just hoping to make friends and friendly acquaintances is much more likely to be productive.



Yeah I get that. I'm not exactly the bubbly extrovert-type (INFP on the Myers-Briggs if that means anything to you). However, speaking from personal experience, I found my former Mistress thanks to a munch. First munch I attended in fact. We met up for drinks afterwards and just totally hit it off. And I went to the munch with absolutely no expectations, planned on just finding a seat in the back and minding my own business. Granted they aren't for everyone but I think people would have better luck looking for a partner in person than posting a desperate plea on the forums. Just my two cents.

Edited for typos

< Message edited by ThePeripatetic -- 1/13/2011 1:06:45 AM >

_____________________________

"The Journey is the Destination" - Dan Eldon (One of my heroes. R.I.P.)

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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 1:28:22 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm actually inclined to think the OP is right.

If somebody is really wanting to meet someone, isn't the most logical thing to try as many avenues as possible to achieve that goal?  Literally since people have been meeting in social circles, meeting people face to face does have a track record of success.  Seems to Me that the more ways you try, the more likely that you're going to find what you might be looking for.

Granted, CM doesn't have a very positive attitude about munches and events.  If I were a betting woman, I'd be willing to say that this thread is going to include folks expressing all kinds of reasons why going to the local munch isn't an option for them.  I'm sure there will be those who will come along and talk about their social anxieties (something most people don't have) or their perceptions about why it won't work for them (like NZ stated above).  I guess I'm just one of those who has an old adage stuck in My head that applies for the situation.  You never know until you try.  In contrast, if you tell yourself it won't work so you never give it a shot, it's a guaranteed fail.

Even if you don't meet the person at your first munch who is a perfect match for you, there's still a lot to be gained.  If nothing else, you open the door to friendships, education, support, social activities, and all kinds of other things that have potential benefits to life.  I don't see any of those as bad things.

On top of that, let's face it.  The numbers are totally stacked against some when dealing with the online gig, especially if you are male.  Even more so in the electronic realm than they are in the BDSM community.  If I were a man, and I realized how few of My emails were answered, or how few women actually looked at My profile, or how rare it was that women contacted Me that weren't pros or some sort of scammer, it wouldn't take Me that long to figure out that I need to do something to improve My chances.  While it's true that some people do find each other here, it doesn't work that way for everybody.

I'm just not the type that I only try a little to make something happen.  I don't have fantasies.  I have goals.  I'll do what it takes to make that happen.  Even if that means I have to leave the comfort of My home.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ThePeripatetic)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 1:37:36 AM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

I just tend to see munches and group meetings as much more oriented to people already coupled or not specifically/actively looking.

Not at all, in my experience. Perhaps it depends where you live.

As for why people recommend RL interaction over the internet:

-At social events people are positively predisposed to you, as long as you've got basic social skills. Not so much on the net, where people start neutral at best.

-People (myself included) tend to filter meaninglessly on kink sites - we'll get overwhelmed and disregard someone for the stupidest of reasons that would never even occur to us in person. (A couple of times I've had the disorientating experience of meeting someone I've ignored online and being *really* attracted to them in person, so I know I'm guilty of this.) Meeting in real life reduces the risk of being arbitrarily discarded by someone you might be a match with.

-IMO, people on the whole are not good at representing themselves accurately in text form. I know amazing people who can't write a decent profile for shit. Sites like this prioritise the ability to write in a way that's disproportionate.

-If you're a physical, tactile person like me then internet dating is hard. I don't really care what kind of music someone likes or what six things they couldn't live without (to use examples from OKCupid); I want to know how they smell, if they give good hugs, how soft their skin is...

It's a hell of a lot of work to find that out from someone you're talking to on the internet

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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 1:44:40 AM   
ThePeripatetic


Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact



I'm just not the type that I only try a little to make something happen.  I don't have fantasies.  I have goals.  I'll do what it takes to make that happen.  Even if that means I have to leave the comfort of My home.



Exactly!!! You need to be able to ask yourself, "How much effort am I willing to put into achieving this?" Unless you do some soul-searching in this area (and have some patience) ultimately you only have yourself to blame.

_____________________________

"The Journey is the Destination" - Dan Eldon (One of my heroes. R.I.P.)

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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 4:55:05 AM   
salemartist


Posts: 195
Joined: 12/17/2010
From: Salem
Status: offline 		that all seems like alot of work, I just sit in my fancy chair and women come and grovel at my feet... happens nearly every day

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 5:12:18 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*snort*

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 5:13:18 AM   
CherryNeko


Posts: 330
Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
Status: offline 		I agree.

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How many mornings do we have
Before this night ends?
I'm dying surrounded by white flowers
Which scatter in the sky...

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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 6:09:24 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

I'm never quite sure what the logic is that suggests to people that refining your searching to only the people that would be at a select local event on the day you go is somehow a more likely and productive method for finding a potential partner or play-person than scanning the wide breadth of potential contacts that can be made online.


Because the people at local events are:

1. Local.  Relocation is not a trivial matter, and the number of potential online contacts is much smaller if you include willingness to move.
2. Serious.  Some people prefer online because it's less of a commitment. Some of them actually think they're ready for an in-person commitment, but they're not.
3.Sane.  The deranged whacko that won't show his/her face at any local event?  He or she is online.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 7:20:37 AM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

3.Sane. 

Heh. Um, maybe not so much.

I've met some real nutjobs at events. The crazy online fuckers can't follow you out of the munch and down the street at 2am demanding to know your name (which happened to a friend last month).


_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 7:35:29 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		While I agree with going to munches (and I do) I actually met my Sir here on CollarMe just before I hid my profile. It is possible to find someone here though I've been on CM for many years and this is the first time things have worked out for me with an on-line person. But it is much easier to meet people at munches and parties than on here. IF you really want a real-life, honest-to-God, living/breathing person to be in a relationship with.

_____________________________

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Collared June 19, 2008
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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 7:40:10 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I think you brought up some valid points, I also think looking online is a viable avenue provided you aren't assuming that being on a site such as CM is going to automatically provide you with a partner.

The key to finding someone is always putting some work into it - using basic problem solving skills to get what you want. After all the person who is working towards obtaining something is probably going to get it at some point as opposed to the person who does nothing.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 11:23:12 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: salemartist

that all seems like alot of work, I just sit in my fancy chair and women come and grovel at my feet... happens nearly every day






< Message edited by kalikshama -- 1/13/2011 11:30:23 AM >

(in reply to salemartist)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: So you want to find a Mistress (or slave).... - 1/13/2011 11:28:14 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

-If you're a physical, tactile person like me then internet dating is hard. I don't really care what kind of music someone likes or what six things they couldn't live without (to use examples from OKCupid); I want to know how they smell, if they give good hugs, how soft their skin is...


CM has been much better for me than OKC (maybe because I refused to answer that section) and I expect my local community will be even better.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 20
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