RE: need advice about my relationship

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bestheadyet -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 4:39:38 AM)
i really think we need a separate support club[8\|].....this cherub is going thru the similar situation i had last year! And counseling found right here....and the friends i made thru reaching out on the forums really has helped me be strong. cherub please just cut him loose...find a friend you can cry with ...read my postings from july of last year....we are twinkies. sending you peace for your heart josie

RapierFugue -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:15:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss Excellent use of alliteration! <approaches podium> I ... I don't know what to say, this is all so unexpected ... I’d like to thank the academy for recognising my work, my writers for their material, my mother for her strength and fortitude in raising me right, my family & friends for their support through the wilderness years, and my agent for believing in me even after the sex-tape scandal. We played strong offence, a solid defence, and took it one alien at a time ... this award will have pride of place in my home, on the mantelpiece next to my employee of the month award from EXIT ... I just don’t know what else to ... <breaks down in floods of tears, a.k.a. "doing a Paltrow">

Elisabella -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:19:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: confusedcherub What do you all think I should do? Am I just being a bad slave in that I'm not trying to further modify my life for him? Or am I being naive thinking that this is any sort of M/s or D/s relationship? WTF kind of questions are these? Are you happy in this relationship? If so, stay. If not, leave. If I told you, yes you are being a bad slave, you should try harder, would that make you any more satisfied with the situation? Would you stay?

GreedyTop -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:21:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RapierFugue quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss Excellent use of alliteration! <approaches podium> I ... I don't know what to say, this is all so unexpected ... I’d like to thank the academy for recognising my work, my writers for their material, my mother for her strength and fortitude in raising me right, my family & friends for their support through the wilderness years, and my agent for believing in me even after the sex-tape scandal. We played strong offence, a solid defence, and took it one alien at a time ... this award will have pride of place in my home, on the mantelpiece next to my employee of the month award from EXIT ... I just don’t know what else to ... <breaks down in floods of tears, a.k.a. "doing a Paltrow"> snort (you make me do that a lot.... sick bastard ;) )

RapierFugue -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:24:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop snort (you make me do that a lot.... sick bastard ;) ) Hey! Don't put your drug problem onto me! I am not an enabler ;)

CherryNeko -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:30:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: confusedcherub What do you all think I should do? Am I just being a bad slave in that I'm not trying to further modify my life for him? Or am I being naive thinking that this is any sort of M/s or D/s relationship? I think I would leave him. Having a Master that claims that it's 'his way or the highway' is knowing your needs will never be filled. You know it's true, because you're living it now. If he won't get you what you need, then don't put up with him. You don't have to. You're not being a bad slave, you've modified your life enough, haven't you? The point is that no matter how busy a person is, believe me, there's time for a call, for a text message, for a breakfast together, for seeing each other more than just once a month... I don't know what's going on with him and his job, I wouldn't like to put my finger on something, but it's not good for you anyway. The kind of relationship you have can only be defined when there's an actual relationship, and I don't really see one. In what kind of relationship do you find this? Every Master says when they meet you, 'time can be worked over,' and you know that. So if HE is not working over his time in order to be with you, well it's his mistake and not yours. If I were you, I would dump him. However, if you still want to give him a chance for whatever reason, give an ultimatum. Either he convinces you that your relationship is worth-rescuing, or you leave. M/s and D/s are not 'his way or the highway.' If it was, he wouldn't need a sub in the first place. Be firm and don't let him play with you. Here I am, if anything happens ^-^

GreedyTop -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:35:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RapierFugue quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop snort (you make me do that a lot.... sick bastard ;) ) Hey! Don't put your drug problem onto me! I am not an enabler ;) giggle smartass ;)

RapierFugue -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:36:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop smartass ;) "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion" :)

GreedyTop -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:38:33 AM)
and you are excelling at that! grins

RapierFugue -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 5:43:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop and you are excelling at that! grins One does one's humble best ;) And now, off to deepest, darkest Cambridgeshire, to see a mate. If I never post again, the locals killed and ate me. Hopefully, in that order.

DarkSteven -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 6:18:43 AM)
cherub, the only thing I'll add to what everyone else is saying about this dickwad is that your profile states that you're "curious" about the local BDSM community. Had you checked him with a few of the locals, you would have heard that he's done this before to other girls - misrepresented himself as a Master so he gets absolute say, no backtalk - and then simply uses them for vanilla sex whenever he feels like it. Lemme guess. You told him you'd like to go to local events with him and he always had some lame excuse. And I am a Dom, with nowhere near the experience to call myself a Master. You should NOT be referring to Mr. Dickwad as a Master. That's like calling the guy who leaves his kids to fend for themselves with no housing or care, a loving father.

GreedyTop -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 6:19:59 AM)
well said, Steven!

LadyConstanze -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 7:53:05 AM)
I don't see any D/s aspect in that, he's using you for sex while dangling a possible relationship in front of you, in 2 years it hasn't happened, it's getting worse - do you honestly think it's going to change? I'd say cut your losses, he's taking the piss.

petmonkey -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 8:16:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bestheadyet i really think we need a separate support club[8\|].....this cherub is going thru the similar situation i had last year! And counseling found right here....and the friends i made thru reaching out on the forums really has helped me be strong. josie i had a kind of similar problem, although i don't identify as slave at all. And he wasn't anywhere near-by at the end of . . . The Ugliness. The OP's "two interstate moves" stuff hits me right in the un-healed, still embarrassed bits, though. The Confused Cherub League has three. OP, These replies are wise. i took a liberty and heavily edited your own questions. How would you answer them now? Am I just being a bad friend in that I'm not trying to further modify my life for him? Is he being a bad friend in that he's not trying to further modify his life for me? Am I being naive thinking that this is any sort of. . . relationship? Is he being naive thinking that this is a better option than the highway?

lizi -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 8:52:53 AM)
OP, are you happy? Is this relationship the type of thing you envisioned for yourself? It would work for some people, however it doesn't seem to be working for you. In what you've written you seem to be sad and lonely. He's putting you second to everything else in his life, and I agree with the others that think you may not be his primary relationship. It's possible that is why his time with you is so limited. If he wanted to see you he'd make the time somewhere somehow - that's the part that you know in your heart. To make a relationship work both people have to work at it...it's not all 'you do as I say', because if you want more than that then it's not working for you. He may fit someone else perfectly, but for you it seems that this is not enough time to be with him, and it is not a good fit. It seems to work great for him, he's having his cake and eating it too, I'm guessing that he doesn't see much of a reason to change. For you...not so much. Do what would make you happy in the end. If that means moving on then do it, don't waste your time in something that is unsatisfying to you.

LadyPact -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 9:41:19 AM)
I'm strongly leaning towards the gals who asked if this guy has another relationship. Maybe one that came along during those past two years. I just don't see any reasonable person moving twice to be with someone who sees them one time a month for a thirty minute romp in the hay. There must have been more time invested on his part to start the relationship. Where did that time go? Even if it's not someone else, it would seem to Me that everything else in his life is a priority over you. I'm with Steven. Exactly how does that make him a Master to you? What authority does he really have in your life other than getting you to open the door when he shows up? I just don't see it. I'm not advising you to end anything. It's not My place. I am, however, asking you to use your own head.

Phoenixpower -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 9:54:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: barelynangel It sounds from what you say that he is just not that into you anymore. Now, we are only getting your side so i am not going to say anything negative about him. But 2 years is a long time and it doesn't sound as if this has been an issue for the whole time as you said you moved twice with him. Taking your word that he left you stranded at your holiday destination over Christmas that should be a huge clue unless his reason was a life or death immediate emergency, even with work he would have known prior to your leaving for the destination that he wasn't going to make it.. However, he has laid down his views on this -- if you don't like it, you know where the proverbial door is. So he is leaving the choice to stay or go in your hands. He has pretty much told you that its not going to change. It sucks, it really does. But if this isn't what you want, then you need to change your circumstances. To me, if this hasn't been the norm for the 2 years you have lived near him, then something has changed for him and it really seems like he is no longer that into you. If there is no M/s aspect to your lives you really are no longer his slave. So its time to stop trying to be one and utilize the control he has given you over your life. It sucks. Good luck. angel My view is similar to hers. It reminds me on my ex whom I mentioned often on the boards and as much as I do value him I also know he can be a real arse in aspects which mean a lot to me....in 2005 I stayed in London as I dared to listen to him that it would not make sense for our relationship if I would move up further north...however, a year later I decided its time to stop that shit what he was playing. I know that he isn't in a relationship, so i don't join the view that your dom might have someone else, as that might not necessarily be the case, in my experience the case was more that he genuinly is happier to be on his own without the hassle of committment which a a relationship brings and he truly is married to his work. We had countless events where meetings have been cancelled due to whatever stuff came up which he had to sort out and the list with his big mouthed promises is just as big...and I told him not too long ago that if he and I would date ever again (which I don't think would ever be the case), he would get at first a to-do-list to clear all the empty promises he gave where he did let me down before I would even consider wasting my time to give him another chance. I value him these days as a genuine friend even when right now he is more a pain in the arse than a friend, anyhow, I think it is important to move on when it is not bringing you what you need and expect from a relationship.

littleone35 -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 9:58:56 AM)
If i were you i would kick him to the curb. The ony time he calls he wants phone sex and when you see him you have sex for 30 mins and then he leaves. Come on you are just a booty call for him. He does not want a relationship (well at least not with you) he just wants someone he can use for sex when he wants it. You have already doNE what you can the Moves and all. Now you got to find someone who will make time for you. Case in point my Master is very busy but he always makes time for me because our relationship is a priority for him. You are too good for him you did all you can as a good slave, but he is not interested on a D's relationship just a booty call. Matt's littleone

81song -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 10:11:02 AM)
I would agree with many and what kalikshama said also. In any kind of relationship there has to be some kind of time to put into it. If there is not much time , then there is not much of any kind of relationship.

Lockit -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/13/2011 10:18:38 AM)
confusedcherub, I hope you will not take my words as harsh, because they are straight and direct and believe it or not they are coming from a compassionate heart. In person they might come with a hug or facial expression that would let you know I wasn't beating you up, but understanding and telling you what I thought was best. You are not confused darlin. You are in denial and in victim mode. Those are very specific things and what comes with them is crying, begging, wounds and then anger and lashing out. Then you feel bad because you did all those things and maybe made a fool of yourself, which adds to the wounds and recovery. If you try to have closure as most people call it, that final talk, you are dragging yourself into a lions den with baby cubs to protect. You will get eaten. The healthiest way to do this is to admit he isn't doing you right and to hold your head up with pride, even if you are hurt and shed your tears privately, don't let that man see them, hear them or have any power. When he calls for his next booty call, do not answer. Do not answer your door. Do not give him anything. He doesn't deserve it. Fill your time with anyone that is close to you to talk to you. If you have no one and have no support systems, you can email me or get to know some women here that have been through this. If you calmly and with determination decide what you are going to do and don't back track into victim mode or stay there... you will feel much better about yourself and you will get through this much faster. If you need tools in which to carry this off... I am sure at least a dozen women here could give them to you. Hold that head high, stand firm and do not waiver. Stop the victim mode as quickly as you can. Victim mode continues whatever abuse was handed you and once you take your own power back, you are empowered and feel it. It strengthens you. Don't think of what you have lost with romantic and wounded eyes, but think of it as your growing process and he was just a stepping stone to a better self fulfillment and a new path to happiness. Thank him in your mind for giving you the reason to find that strength and move on to someone with a higher quality of honor. I wish you well, I really do.

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