RE: need advice about my relationship (Full Version)

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tazzygirl -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 8:07:15 AM)

If you are happy, stay.

If you are not, leave.

If you are waiting for the situation to change, it wont. You are not his priority. He has told you this.

Take his comment of... "my way or the highway" as...

accept or leave. Those ARE your only options.

I feel your pain. I wish you luck regardless of your decision. Neither path will be easy.




kalikshama -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 8:12:37 AM)

While I will no doubt be corrected by statisticians, after compiling yet more anecdotes, I think I have enough data to conclude that:

1. I am more likely than not to have a positive experience with someone who has participated in the local scene at some point.
2. I am more likely than not to have a negative experience, neutral experience, or never meet someone who has never participated in the local scene.

I am therefore moving non-participation into the negative column.




RapierFugue -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 8:18:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
I am therefore moving non-participation into the negative column.

As you are entirely entitled to do.

I however, wouldn't, because my experience is different.

Edited to fix my minging grammar :)



Missokyst -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 9:17:18 AM)

My experience has been in the reverse.
I tend to have long lasting relationships with men who have never been in the scene, or who have only been introduced to the scene by me. To date, every man who has been romantically in my life has been kinky, twisted, perverted, sadistic, playful.. in a non prescribed fashion. Lucky me!



quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

While I will no doubt be corrected by statisticians, after compiling yet more anecdotes, I think I have enough data to conclude that:

1. I am more likely than not to have a positive experience with someone who has participated in the local scene at some point.
2. I am more likely than not to have a negative experience, neutral experience, or never meet someone who has never participated in the local scene.

I am therefore moving non-participation into the negative column.






windchymes -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 9:46:33 AM)

Here's some music for the road.....get yourself a sweet car like this one for the ride :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNOUNFNYAmA



Focus50 -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 1:22:11 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

While I will no doubt be corrected by statisticians, after compiling yet more anecdotes, I think I have enough data to conclude that:

1. I am more likely than not to have a positive experience with someone who has participated in the local scene at some point.
2. I am more likely than not to have a negative experience, neutral experience, or never meet someone who has never participated in the local scene.

I am therefore moving non-participation into the negative column.



The "scene" (community) is about as relevant to an intimate D/s relationship as an orgy or wife-swap party is to an intimate vanilla relationship.

I found community get-togethers (such as a private party) to be creepy for their largely uninhibited excesses. This is what it is to "belong..."? Felt like I was in a freak show, and that's just NOT who I am.

I like my women with some modesty and style; a little delicate; girly; a bit of mystery; an inhibition or two. Rarely saw more than one of those traits within community orientated fem/subs. Oh yeah, and monogamous. It's not enough that I won't play with a sub just 'cause she's willing and that none are playing with my girl - I found it creepy and grubby just being asked. ICK!

And that gets me stigmatised as one who isn't "true" or trustworthy blah blah. If that's how community really is (and it largely is), then I'll keep giving it a big pass....

Focus.



osf -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 2:17:11 PM)

you asked and he answered, what more can we add



kdsusa7894 -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 6:16:06 PM)

And OP, in your one post on here you stated "try to figure out where we went wrong", you didn't. He did. Hold your head high and shoulders back and walk proud. He's the one that made the mistake of taking lightly and callously what you were giving with a true heart. Walk away as he is not giving you what YOU need and is instead telling you that what he is willing to give should be enough, obviously it isn't. Just move on but when you walk away do it with pride as you gave it your all and you can't ask for more than that. I have been there as have most people. If you need a friend, ask..... I will do my best to help you through. Take care of you.



DesFIP -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/14/2011 6:22:07 PM)

People who play publicly are people I have no compatibility with. If what you want is to be an exhibitionist or a voyeur, or both, I'm not compatible. If you want to play with multiple partners, I'm not compatible. If you have to play casually in public because you're incapable of maintaining a long term, monogamous relationship - I'm not compatible.



sansa -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 2:18:51 AM)

To the OP: i agree with the others, he's been using you. Pick up the pieces and move on as soon as you can.

To those talking about the "local scene": Ok...my $.02....The "local scene" does not have to apply to just play parties. It can simply be those who get together in a vanilla setting to discuss the lifestyle, to form friendships with others within the lifestyle. It does not have to be orgies and multiple partners and exhibition. i've been a member of my "local scene" without playing publicly but a few times, over the last 7 years. i'm fairly modest and very shy. It takes a while to get me to break out of my shell. That, however, did not stop me from founding a munch group in my local area, and that is all it is: a munch group. The group meets monthly to have dinner together at a local restaurant and discuss what's happening in the community. The meetings consist of everyone introducing themselves, announcements of events in the area (meaning about a 300 mile radius around where we are), which might be demos or discussion groups, or, yes, play parties. Some members attend the play parties held by groups in the nearest two larger cities than our own. Some do not attend play parties or events at all, but they Still Attend The Munches To Be Part Of The Community. There's Nothing wrong with joining the community, the local scene, at all, and i have to agree with the one who mentioned she would consider a refusal to be a part of the community to be a negative point. If i were still looking, a refusal to at least try to form friendships with people local to you, who you can see, in person, face to face, on a regular basis, would be a serious red flag to me.





kalikshama -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 3:15:42 AM)

Thanks Sansa. I too was referring to the educational rather than exhibitionistic aspect of the local scene and did a terrible job conveying this.

I'm trying to avoid Mr "I don't go to demos because I already know all and there's no human being on earth who could possibly teach me a thing" rather than Mr "I don't go to the Fetish Factory Alter Ego parties because the dynamic is prevalently swing club members with costumes and toys".



RapierFugue -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 4:39:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Thanks Sansa. I too was referring to the educational rather than exhibitionistic aspect of the local scene and did a terrible job conveying this.

I'm trying to avoid Mr "I don't go to demos because I already know all and there's no human being on earth who could possibly teach me a thing" rather than Mr "I don't go to the Fetish Factory Alter Ego parties because the dynamic is prevalently swing club members with costumes and toys".

What you're "trying to avoid" doesn’t alter the fact that someone’s participation in a “local scene”, in whatever context, doesn't make them more, or less, worthy or suitable as a partner.



DarkSteven -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 7:54:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

DarkSteven, i don't understand the latter part of your sentence. Why would someone NOT a part of the local scene cause anyone to go more "deliberately?"



Okay, angel.  What I meant to convey is that if someone is part of the local scene, he's got locals to vouch for him (or against him).  That's a useful bit of info.  If he's not part of the scene, then you have one less piece of info about him and should proceed more slowly as a consequence.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

What you're "trying to avoid" doesn’t alter the fact that someone’s participation in a “local scene”, in whatever context, doesn't make them more, or less, worthy or suitable as a partner.


That depends.  If you're seeking technical skills, then scene participation is almost a must.  I became a much better spanker after observing others play, and cannot imagine someone submitting to a whipping from someone that had not learned from others.



KatyLied -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 7:57:13 AM)

I would not necessarily depend on people from munches to provide references.  Often munch members have their own agendas and battles with each other.  I think there is no substitute for getting to know someone over time and making your own decisions.  I would not depend on others' opinions.



RapierFugue -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 8:02:47 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

What you're "trying to avoid" doesn’t alter the fact that someone’s participation in a “local scene”, in whatever context, doesn't make them more, or less, worthy or suitable as a partner.


That depends.  If you're seeking technical skills, then scene participation is almost a must. 

Sorry, but you're talking out of your arse. While I've enjoyed some demos and participations in scene events, they haven't actually "taught" me anything I didn't already know about things I was most interested in, and had been doing for years. I've only ever learned one specific skill there that I wasn't already competent in, and that was fire play. If someone hadn't been specifically looking for that (and I wouldn't have, as I never do, profess to knowledge I don't have) then I would have been no less competent before I took part in scene events then I was afterwards.

I'll reiterate; I'm not saying everyone who hasn't been to scene events and had participations is competent, but it's wholly untrue to say that scene participation is even slightly a pre-requisite for competence or suitability as a partner. You're allowing your affection for same, or possibly your affection for those who participate in same, to colour your logic.




RapierFugue -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 8:07:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
I think there is no substitute for getting to know someone over time and making your own decisions.  I would not depend on others' opinions.

Absolutely. Plus, of course, so much of what goes on (as in so many things in life) is personal; from a technical perspective, what one person may consider perfect another might find extreme, or what one considers excellent another might think is laughably tame. Same goes for emotional content; some may enjoy a cold, dispassionate Dom/Master, another might find their needs better met by someone who tries to make more of an emotional connection.

It's simply too variable and personal a sphere of endeavour to attempt to bring any kind of merit-badge approach to bear. Otherwise, there would be universally respected qualifications, handed out by the University of Dominance, or the Further Education College Of Slavery.



IrishMist -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 2:57:52 PM)

quote:

What I meant to convey is that if someone is part of the local scene, he's got locals to vouch for him (or against him). That's a useful bit of info. If he's not part of the scene, then you have one less piece of info about him and should proceed more slowly as a consequence.


And that, for what it is worth, is a crock of shit.



paindrops -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/15/2011 3:52:37 PM)

I agree with those who state, that you may not be his primary relationship. I was in a similar situation with a "dom" who called only at night and when we did talk it was only about 5 minutes. Most of our communication was online, he "traveled" a lot, and the sex was quick. Well I found out that he was engaged and according to his finance never practiced or mentioned the lifestyle to her. In his mind he was a dom. He tried to keep the relationship hidden until she went through his cellphone. He has done this to several women.

Sometimes we ignore the signs because we are desperate to serve, be with someone, and have a warm body next to us. Therefore, we forget our heads and common sense. The signs are there. Even if he isn't married, creeping, or cheating you deserve better. Don't allow being submissive to give you a pass for falling for bs.



Firebirdseeking -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/21/2011 7:25:16 PM)

You need to get clear about something:  which is, how do you define a "relationship"?  what is important to you?  Do your values match his?  That is usually what happens in a healthy relationship.

And, as others have said, if he does not talk on the phone with you, and doesnt want to be with you, he either has someone else or doesnt want to be close with anyone, including you.  A D/s relationship is still a relationship.  That is, the needs of both people are important.



DesFIP -> RE: need advice about my relationship (1/21/2011 7:32:17 PM)

And some of us find a heavy scene participant to be someone we don't want. If what you demonstrate is years of casual play with multiple partners, then don't expect your claim to want to have a committed relationship to be taken seriously. People who want a relationship will have had one. Saying you do while doing otherwise brings up red flags.

Now if you're in your 20's then that's different. However I would still hope he would have had at least one relationship of a couple or several years lasting in his past. Without it I would doubt his true desire or capability of having said relationship.



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