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RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 10:20:18 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: confusedcherub
. . . When he does come over, we have fairly vanilla sex for around 30mins and then he leaves.  He is too busy to call me and respond to text messages.  There is no longer any D/s aspect to the type of relationship we have. . .

What do you all think I should do?  Am I just being a bad slave in that I'm not trying to further modify my life for him?  Or am I being naive thinking that this is any sort of M/s or D/s relationship?

Option 2 sounds about right.

He's married and just using BDSM as an excuse to get a piece on the side, right?

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to confusedcherub)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 10:25:46 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		OP,

This is tough, I know. My recent long term relationship went the other way; we were together in both vanilla and D/s for years. Then he started acting like an asshole in the vanilla part of our life, so it degenerated into only the D/s part.

I was still into it, so I stayed and tried to pursue other relationships to get my needs met.

After a VERY long time of this, I realized that I cannot be in a relationship that is only D/s, however exciting our times were together.

It was very very difficult to extricate myself totally from the situation, but I finally realized that staying in the remaining half of the relationship was interfering with my efforts to connect with someone who might be able to give me everything, so I ended it.

He calls constantly and tries to get me to see him using the old, "I still love you, you know you want to see me, you know what we have, I need you" crap and I have successfully been ignoring him (believe me it is very hard).

You need to just dump him especially if he is not being honest with you and in your case, you want to be a slave and you only get vanilla from him. I was justifying seeing my ex because I was still getting the sub part fulfilled, but in the end, they are not giving us what we want, so you need the confidence and self esteem and belief in yourself to move forward, without him.

Good luck.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 11:46:54 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

'his way or the highway' and that he doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are.

You have your answer.

The two of you are obviously incompatible; you want to be his everything, he wants you to be his convenience. Nothing wrong with either one, just that they don't mesh with each other.

You have two choices. Either accept his 'way', or make your own way apart from him.




_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to confusedcherub)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 12:54:05 PM   
oceanwynds2


Posts: 66
Joined: 1/8/2011
Status: offline 		Hello Cherub
You received a lot of good advice. The only other thing that I wish to add, is to not make excuses for someone's behavior. A turd is a turd and it just will not end up as a crystal. What is, is? I know it is easy to make up excuses, but actually all you are doing is delaying the outcome, and numbing your pain with hope. Excuses do not go away, the turd is still there, and you are spinning your tires.

oceanwynds2

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 2:11:42 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: confusedcherub

Hi to all the subs and slaves out there... I'm hoping you can offer some advice and an ''outsiders perspective'' to my situation. 

I have been with my Master for almost two years. We started off long distance & I've moved interstate twice for him during this time.  Essentially his work is very important to him but its started to take over his life; to the point where I now only see him once a month if I'm lucky.  When he does come over, we have fairly vanilla sex for around 30mins and then he leaves.  He is too busy to call me and respond to text messages.  There is no longer any D/s aspect to the type of relationship we have.  We were supposed to have a holiday together over Christmas but he cancelled at the last minute, leaving me stranded at our holiday destination.

I have tried to talk to Master about my concerns but he cuts me off and says something to the effect that its 'his way or the highway' and that he doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are.

What do you all think I should do?  Am I just being a bad slave in that I'm not trying to further modify my life for him?  Or am I being naive thinking that this is any sort of M/s or D/s relationship?

I appreciate any thoughts you all have.

from a very confused and sad cherub.


It really doesn't get any simpler than this....

I don't care how much someone is wrapped up in their job, you make time for those who are important to you. And sorry, you're a "whistle-stop" when he's got an itch that needs scratching.

A healthy relationship is one where *both* are getting their needs satisfied. And you're just a drink of water when he gets thirsty.

Take back control and piss him tha hell off out of your life - wonderful feeling to get back your self-esteem. That or change your nic to 'usedandconfused"

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to confusedcherub)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 6:32:26 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

My first thought is he is married, or at least in another relationship.

Value yourself enough to kick his ass to the curb.

That was pretty much my thought, too.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 6:36:08 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:


What do you all think I should do?


Choose the highway, that's obviously what he wants you to do, and he's making it easy for you.  Why would you relocate twice for this guy?


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to confusedcherub)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 6:47:49 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		DarkSteven, i know a lot of men and women who don't like the local "scene."  I am one of them.  I was a slave for 8 years and never once did we venture into the local BDSM or other scenes in Chicago.

A Man saying no to the local community isn't necessarily trying to hide something, the local scene doesn't appeal to everyone.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/13/2011 7:13:13 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: confusedcherub

Hi to all the subs and slaves out there... I'm hoping you can offer some advice and an ''outsiders perspective'' to my situation. 

I have been with my Master for almost two years. We started off long distance & I've moved interstate twice for him during this time.  Essentially his work is very important to him but its started to take over his life; to the point where I now only see him once a month if I'm lucky.  When he does come over, we have fairly vanilla sex for around 30mins and then he leaves.  He is too busy to call me and respond to text messages.  There is no longer any D/s aspect to the type of relationship we have.  We were supposed to have a holiday together over Christmas but he cancelled at the last minute, leaving me stranded at our holiday destination.

I have tried to talk to Master about my concerns but he cuts me off and says something to the effect that its 'his way or the highway' and that he doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are.

What do you all think I should do?  Am I just being a bad slave in that I'm not trying to further modify my life for him?  Or am I being naive thinking that this is any sort of M/s or D/s relationship?

I appreciate any thoughts you all have.

from a very confused and sad cherub.


It really doesn't get any simpler than this....

I don't care how much someone is wrapped up in their job, you make time for those who are important to you. And sorry, you're a "whistle-stop" when he's got an itch that needs scratching.

A healthy relationship is one where *both* are getting their needs satisfied. And you're just a drink of water when he gets thirsty.

Take back control and piss him tha hell off out of your life - wonderful feeling to get back your self-esteem. That or change your nic to 'usedandconfused"

Focus.


Frankly, you can't get better than these *thoughts*. ^^

Nicely put as usual, Mr Focus.

agirl



(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 1:14:51 AM   
confusedcherub


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/13/2011
Status: offline 		I just wanted to say thank you to you all for helping me see the light.
 
I've been going through journals from the start of this "relationship" and this has been going on since the beginning. 
 
Let's hope I've learnt something and things will be different next time!
 
I'm also sorry to hear that some others of you out there have had similar experiences... would love to talk to you about it more, maybe work out where we went wrong.
 
Cherub xo

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 3:39:04 AM   
alandra2


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline 		He is not a Dom, he is a guy, probably married that is using your submission to use and control you. Is that not what being Dominant means?..... No, it is not. A Dom has a duty of care over you, both physically and mentally. This guy only has his own agenda at heart, he sees you as an easy lay, available to him at his whim.

You deserve better than that. When you meet the right guy there will be no doubt in your mind, until then dump this excuse of a Dom and have fun looking for a guy that fits your requirements. Remember that until you choose to give yourself to someone the choices are all yours.....do not settle for second best, do not settle for someone that does not see you as there equal, do not allow yourself to be used by anyone that obviously has no idea what this sort of relationship means.

I know you consider yourself as sub and as such you feel the need to submit, I know how hard it is to say 'no', I know how easy it is to just do as you are told and all that is fine once YOU have decided that this is the guy you want to submit to.

I looked at it as if it was the last decision I would ever have to make in my life and as such I needed to be sure it was the right one. I spent a year looking (and trying out a few would be Masters) until I found the right one for me. Please do not devalue yourself or your submission  by getting on your knees to the first guy that shouts 'kneel bitch'. At the end of the day it is a long term relationship you are looking for and that has to be right for both parties for it to work.

I wish you well in what ever you decide but if you want my advise then dump this junk and find the one thats right for you. Good luck xxx 

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 4:09:17 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

DarkSteven, i know a lot of men and women who don't like the local "scene."  I am one of them.  I was a slave for 8 years and never once did we venture into the local BDSM or other scenes in Chicago.

A Man saying no to the local community isn't necessarily trying to hide something, the local scene doesn't appeal to everyone.

angel


Point taken.  Not being involved in the local scene is not  a complete indication that someone is a pretender, but it should cause you to go more deliberately at first.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 4:28:13 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Hi Cherub,

We can talk about it here, or feel free to PM me.

I also made an interstate move (not the situation I mentioned previously.) In retrospect, there were warning signs before I moved that I ignored, because I was in luuuuuuuuuuuvvvvvvvvvvvvv. Now, I pay attention to warning signs right at the beginning, which often means I never even get to the vanilla meeting stage.

I think one should set clear boundaries and expectations in the beginning. I'm not sure how to do this without being overly assertive and thus perceived as "not submissive enough."

I think I'm good at expressing my needs neutrally and using "I" statements, but setting boundaries with one guy and expressing a concern due to a medical issue with another led both potential relationships to wither on the vine. I'm willing to accept whatever responsibility I own in this, but have been unable to find it.

One friend did suggest I "dumb it down", but that's a Hard Limit, lol.

KK

(in reply to confusedcherub)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 4:28:17 AM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

DarkSteven, i know a lot of men and women who don't like the local "scene."  I am one of them.  I was a slave for 8 years and never once did we venture into the local BDSM or other scenes in Chicago.

A Man saying no to the local community isn't necessarily trying to hide something, the local scene doesn't appeal to everyone.


Point taken.  Not being involved in the local scene is not  a complete indication that someone is a pretender, but it should cause you to go more deliberately at first.

Clearly the point wasn't taken, since angel said (and I agree with her) that membership of a local scene wasn't a prerequisite, which caused you to downgrade non-membership from "avoid" to "go more carefully".

I don't believe there's any correlation between scene participation and degree of genuine intent. The OP met a using arsehole, and if he'd been part of his local scene he'd merely have been a using arsehole with local scene contacts.

The “if you're not part of the local scene you're not worth knowing” concept is actually part of what feeds the egos of many scene members, further inflating egos that didn't really need the help in the first place. People are just people, and participation in scene events and activities has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with a person’s degree of commitment to a specific lifestyle, or indeed to their suitability as a partner. You'll find good and bad examples everywhere - as just one example of many, I've seen some very predatory doms at local scene events, and the assumption that such people become ostracised by said scene is not always correct; in some cases (and I've witnessed this myself) they use relationships they carefully craft with local scene "seniors" to ensure their reputation remains intact, even when sub victims of theirs speak out.

The scene is what it is; it's as good as the people taking part in it. Some are friendly, experienced and genuine, and others are frauds, aggressors, cliques, "professional victims" and idiots. Just like the rest of humanity, in fact.


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 5:17:01 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I think belonging to the local scene is more likely to be a good indicator than bad. Sure, there are predators. But using outliers as an example is like invalidating all AA participants because some people are there to 13th step.

When I am considering potential doms, I don't automatically put non-participation in the negative column, but I do put participation in the positive column. I'm just more comfortable letting myself be tied up by someone who regularly attends Shibari demos.

I've had three guys lie about their flogging experience. Once I had to stop the scene, one was scary but endurable and pleasurable, and one took the time to read up on it and practice first.

A much safer and saner choice would be for me to observe someone in action before entrusting him with my alabaster flesh.

KK

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 5:24:17 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		DarkSteven, i don't understand the latter part of your sentence. Why would someone NOT a part of the local scene cause anyone to go more "deliberately?"

kalikshama
Not everyone is into the scene, they are into the relationship between the two people.  And no, the local scene can't help with that because you never know what happens in a relationship no matter how much one wants to gossip about people they don't like.  There are no more predators in this way of living and no more victims i this way of living than there are outside of this way of living.  There is just as much abuse, death etc etc etc in this way of life as there is out of it.  I would actually say there is probably a little LESS in this way of life simply because of the caliber of people and what they seek to live up too.

Personally, i would take the word of a friend than strangers of a local scene.  And if someone is NEW, then yes the local scene are STRANGERS who simply are gossiping.  Sorry but i don't see how seeking information about a person i am getting involved with from strangers is safer or saner than getting to know the person i am getting involved with.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 1/14/2011 5:36:47 AM >

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 5:24:33 AM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I think belonging to the local scene is more likely to be a good indicator than bad. Sure, there are predators. But using outliers as an example is like invalidating all AA participants because some people are there to 13th step.


1. The "predator" issue is only one of several that scene groupings display.

2. By labelling as positive local scene participation you're doing exactly the same as using "outliers" as bad examples. Not that I'd describe many of the issues visible in local scene groups as "outlying", from what I've observed.

I’m not saying local scenes are “bad”, I'm just saying participation in one doesn't actually mean a great deal in terms of someone’s suitability as a partner, or indeed their qualities as a human being. What it might do (and this is just a chance) to some is indicate some degree of personal proficiency with a specific tool, toy, etc, but even then only if the person concerned has actually witnessed the prospective partner doing so.

So in other words, go along yourself to local scene events by all means, but don't take someone’s participation in same, or lack thereof, as any indicator as to their proficiency or personality.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 5:40:40 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		To continue with my admittedly statistically irrelevant anecdotes, the only time I have ever squirted was with a man with three decades of scene participation under his belt ;)

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 5:42:57 AM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

To continue with my admittedly statistically irrelevant anecdotes, the only time I have ever squirted was with a man with three decades of scene participation under his belt ;)

Thank you for labelling that correctly :)

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 5:48:09 AM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		  You're a booty call.  Launch him.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to confusedcherub)
Profile   Post #: 60
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