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Dominantless - 1/15/2011 4:16:42 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		Well, last night, I bought wine (for me) and hairball medicine (for my cat) and went home and ate dinner in front of the computer. You know what that means. Sigh....I'm single again.

I want to be in love before I submit. That's important to me. I can't submit to just any dom on the block. But I don't want to fall in love with a man who can't take my submission.

Do I look for the kinky Dominant first and hope that love will follow? Do I look for the man first and hope he has a Dominant and kinky side? (And yes, kinky is equally as important as Dominance, in my world.)

I'm not fond of the thought of finding someone here, on the other side of CM. Been there, done that, and yuck. I know a couple of people in "the community" here but all that has resulted in is being hit on.

I'm in no rush. I'm taking the winter..and the spring...off and I'm going to, I don't know, clean my closets and paint my living room and stuff like that. Maybe watch bad chick flicks on the couch and eat too many Bon-Bons. (Do they even make them anymore?) But honestly, I don't even know where to start when I do get "out there" again. This man...he and I kind of fell into each other's laps with no effort - it just happened and it all worked. I didn't have to search.

No real question here, I suppose, that anyone can answer. I'm just verbalizing, wondering how it will all work out.

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 1/15/2011 4:17:39 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 4:33:16 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Why not simply look for the Man and see what comes naturally with him?    If you and he are a natural pair then it will fall into place.   You don't need to submit to a stranger to see if he is capable of taking your submission, you should be able to figure it out by HIM, his demeanor, his character, the way he projects himself, the way he interacts with people in general -- i.e., his co-workers, women important in his life etc, and how he interacts with you.

Right now its raw and overwelming, but when you do start getting to know them again, see the man first because that is what you will have -- the Dom will simply be who he is.  If you start trying to itemize that out of him, it will cause you trouble.

Maybe what you need to do also is learn to accept that your submission to a Man is natural not determinant,  Trying to be determinant about something that may be simply who you are will make the whole look/find concept very confusion and frustrating.

IN the end, find out what is natural to you and accept it, then allow yourself to find the natural man that compliments that naturalness in you.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to Kaliko)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 4:35:33 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Formulate your desire and determine that it will happen. Next, let the universe/God take care of your order and surprise you.

(in reply to Kaliko)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 5:23:21 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Figure out what you need in a partner and don't spend time on those with whom you are not compatible. When you want to explore compatibility, then date. It doesn't matter if you meet him here, a munch, or at your local coffee shop. Just date like normal people until you're sure you want to go farther.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 5:26:15 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I do not need to be in love to submit.  If that was the case I would probably never submit as my forays into love have been rare in my lifetime.  I do have to enjoy a man, respect him, and have a spark of chemistry and attraction.  Instead of instant love, I am seeking a relationship that will be lasting and grow into love. 

I think that you need to remain open to the possibility of something happening.  And then be positive and hopeful about it.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Rule)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 5:49:50 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		The other posters had some good thoughts/ideas. If it were me I'd start out by searching amongst the available Doms in my area on a site like this or by going to local events. It is important to me that my partner be Dominant, however that is a self-applied label. If I crossed paths with an interesting man who did not identify himself as a Dominant, I'd still take the time to check out the possibility that we'd be a match. It's a quality, not a label, I'd search within the group that is most likely to have that quality - men who call themselves Dominant- but that doesn't rule out the possibility that I'd find a man with Dominant qualities pretty much anywhere.

(in reply to Kaliko)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 6:26:27 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I would also add that you do not have to be on a kink site to find a dominant.  There are vanilla sites set up in such a way that it will be easy to recognize a dominant.  

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to lizi)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 6:32:03 AM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		I have the same problem from the other side :) The woman I meet has to be submissive. I tried the nilla thing , and have success flirting and meeting people but I try to insinuate the bdsm as early as possible and they get scared!!!! (even with the ssc talk and all).. In the lifestyle side of things, I am "picky" and didn't find a submissive I am attracted to that wants to meet me .. Yet.. SOooo. to come back to your post, from my point of vue, I would keep on cm and fet and go to local munches and meet kinksters.. I believe it will come in time :) Godd luck.

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._



(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 7:01:08 AM   
salemartist


Posts: 195
Joined: 12/17/2010
From: Salem
Status: offline 		yes they still make Bon Bons

(in reply to Buzzzz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 7:35:01 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		actively searching is weird. my last relationship sort of fell into my lap, too, so i don't really have experience with this. but i think that's the point -- you just have to be happy with your life and wait for something else to fall into your lap. =p be open to experiences with people that may not be exactly what you think you want, but are exactly what you need. you never know when or where you'll find the right person; you might already know the "right" person, but you haven't become right for each other yet, you know?

it's true, you don't need to submit straight out of the gate to figure out if someone is dominant, but when you're in this situation, you wonder "will i find someone like that again?" i also want a functional relationship with love and the whole shebang, but there would be something missing for me if there wasn't a power exchange component. so sometimes you're wary to go out and just try "regular dating" because you think you'll only meet vanilla guys, but you seriously never know where you'll meet people. people have met on myspace, craigslist, at the grocery store -- when you're ready, you're ready, wherever you happen to be.

personally, i'm taking the time to really understand my motivations for being in the lifestyle, what i want out of it. brushing up on service stuff and learning new things. being alone is always a little difficult, vanilla or not.



(in reply to salemartist)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 7:42:04 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I looked for a man who is a dominant personality. Kink wasn't important to me.

I just coincedently found him here on c.com (and only because I wanted a free coffee lol ) but I could have found him anywhere.

For me it's always been about a personality that syncs with my own, someone with morals and values similar to mine, someone that could lead while I followed and actually wanted it that way.

If he liked to beat and bind me was just an extra bonus.


(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 8:32:03 AM   
pachel


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline 		I can understand what the op is saying. Several of you have said that there is no need to submit right away, but the majority of the men I talk to online do expect that immediate submission. Most won't even meet in person unless I agree to obey them as soon as we meet, which just doesn't make sense to me.  How can I promise to obey someone I don't know? Needless to say, I don't meet many in person. 

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 8:44:28 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pachel

I can understand what the op is saying. Several of you have said that there is no need to submit right away, but the majority of the men I talk to online do expect that immediate submission. Most won't even meet in person unless I agree to obey them as soon as we meet, which just doesn't make sense to me.  How can I promise to obey someone I don't know? Needless to say, I don't meet many in person. 


You know in all the years I have been online I have never talked to men who wanted me to submit right away in real life and the ones who wanted me to online during the first email I just deleted and never bothered to even respond.

Maybe it's the type of men you are responding to. I didn't read your profile so I don't know if maybe it's something in your profile that are drawing such men to you. Maybe take a look at what you have there.

There's no need to respond to every single email someone sends you and if you don't have some kind of rapport with them online why bother meeting them in person?

Talk to men online like you would to men anywhere you meet them. Get to know them as a person and if they don't want to do that then pass them by and move onto the next.


(in reply to pachel)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 8:55:40 AM   
salemartist


Posts: 195
Joined: 12/17/2010
From: Salem
Status: offline 		One more reason I hate being lumped into the group of "Dom"

quote:

ORIGINAL: pachel

the majority of the men I talk to online do expect that immediate submission. Most won't even meet in person unless I agree to obey them as soon as we meet, which just doesn't make sense to me.  How can I promise to obey someone I don't know? Needless to say, I don't meet many in person. 




A view from the other side of the fence:

Sometimes I feel like being a lifestyle dominant is a curse, where the dating pool of women that I would find attractive is shallow enough and filled with mindless bimbos, it becomes even more difficult to find a woman with kinky and submissive desires within that pool, then factor in the fact that a percentage of those outwardly labelling themselves as "sub" are either scooped up quickly or have self confidence or self worth issues. before you get your guard up girls, this is not an attack, just my local observation. I will say I have met some fascinating and wonderful women on this site and others, but they tend to be outside of the state of Massachusetts or generally unavailable. As I mature I limit myself even more not only to single women with personality, self confidence and submissive /kinky desires, but also a kindred soul who has passion for something. compound that with the fact that many of the women that would be interested in me and are in thise lifestyle are probably a bit jaded by failed relationship attempts with moronic dom types that lay down an agenda and rules before they even meet, and well... yes... im single still. pass the bon bons

(in reply to pachel)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 9:02:29 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i can really relate to what pachel is saying. i had been having a fairly promising conversation with someone who wasn't just interested in a fuck-and-dump, who seemed to be on the same wavelength as far as "regular life" goes... but still you have that expectation that you're going to be calling him Master from minute one. he wants to pick you up, take you out, and fuck you all in one day (and then, i guess for my niche, i run into men who have racial stuff they need to work out and think i'll go along with it)
sometimes it's obvious from the beginning and i just don't respond, but other times it sneaks out after a few messages, which... eh.
it makes you feel sad because you thought you met someone nice, and then you kinda feel like you wasted a lot of time.

i don't understand how people form these complex expectations and requirements of someone they haven't met or gotten to know. but pachel is right -- a lot of men expect some sort of deep committment before they'll even want to meet you, or they expect unwarranted access to your chickbits; things they would never expect from a "vanilla" woman.

i don't meet many in person either.

(in reply to salemartist)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 9:09:01 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Pachel, to me its the concept of weeding out the men from the boys.  Only to me, the boys will DEMAND a woman submit to them especially prior to even meeting them.  However, MEN who are natural doms and/or Masters of women, tend to compel submission.  Their presence and character are simply a natural "action" so to speak which has an equal and opposite reaction of submission from a woman.  I always am amused when a guy starts talking about obedience and such without even knowing me.  I am not the type of woman who when a guy says jump i ask how high or just start jumping until directed. 

To me the problem is a lot is many times people mistake want for a natural inclination and it simply isnt the truth.  You can want, demand, ask, and expect a woman to be submissive towards you and obey etc, but if the natural inclination to be a dominant influence over someone isn't there -- its just not a "comfortable" fit to me and seems very forced.

This concept of D/s and M/s should not be a forced concept or one that is acted out instead of simply being.  Many guys and women don't get that being Dom or a Master or even a sub or slave isn't a concept of what you do, its a concept of who you are.  Its a natural state of being when you encounter the right combination.

This is why to me, women need to seek the Man not seek the Dom, and the men need to seek the woman, not the submissive or slave.  This is also why you get to know the man or woman, because that will tell you about the Dom or the Master or the slave or sub.
angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 1/15/2011 9:13:45 AM >

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 9:11:27 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pachel

I can understand what the op is saying. Several of you have said that there is no need to submit right away, but the majority of the men I talk to online do expect that immediate submission. Most won't even meet in person unless I agree to obey them as soon as we meet, which just doesn't make sense to me.  How can I promise to obey someone I don't know? Needless to say, I don't meet many in person. 


Damn, an insta-screen for the insta-Doms.  What will they think of next?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to pachel)
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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 9:12:28 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

MEN who are natural doms and/or Masters of women, tend to compel submission. Their presence and character are simply a natural "action" so to speak which has an equal and opposite reaction of submission from a woman.


This. 

A man who wishes to dominate a woman will take time to get to know her, this makes his work much easier, and in my opinion, more organic.  It is not forced, he is not barking out commands.  She wants to submit to him.  Because of who he is.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 9:23:57 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I'm in no rush. I'm taking the winter..and the spring...off and I'm going to, I don't know, clean my closets and paint my living room and stuff like that. Maybe watch bad chick flicks on the couch and eat too many Bon-Bons. (Do they even make them anymore?)


And one day, when you do find the right one, and you will, and he's leaving dirty socks in the living room and a bad smell in the bathroom, you'll look back on those days with fondness. So enjoy them while you have them....there's a lot to be said for temporary singleness :)

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 9:31:56 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

MEN who are natural doms and/or Masters of women, tend to compel submission. Their presence and character are simply a natural "action" so to speak which has an equal and opposite reaction of submission from a woman.


This. 

A man who wishes to dominate a woman will take time to get to know her, this makes his work much easier, and in my opinion, more organic.  It is not forced, he is not barking out commands.  She wants to submit to him.  Because of who he is.



totally agreeing with barelynangel and KatyLied on this -- when the Dominance is something innate about a man, it's really compelling. it brings the submissiveness out of you instead of demanding that you submit. really powerful :)

*swoon*

(in reply to KatyLied)
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