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RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 5:10:06 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: 81song

Wow, really, that fast? I must be a bit of an odd ball once again.
Meeting someone in real I think one has to slow way down and think the other person does have feeling and the sub should not come with a "I want to do" list.


I agree about real time being slower than online time.


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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 5:45:04 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		The real question is:

But you learned something out of this past relationship, right? (Hopefully)

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 8:07:08 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the responses. And to Barelynangel, I very much liked what you said about a natural Dominant compelling submission.

I do intend to be open to whatever the universe makes available to me, as Rule said. That's a practice I'm...well...practicing. My mind was wandering, and I was missing my love, and wondering if I will find that wonderful combination of best friend and Dominant again. And yes, as I think a few people said, it's no different, I suppose, than anyone looking for "the one", D/s or otherwise.

But, I am concerned about "scaring off" a man, as was referenced, if I start to drop hints about my preferences.

In the end, I suppose that if it is the right man, that he won't be scared off - assuming he's not already way ahead of me.


(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 8:19:01 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

The real question is:

But you learned something out of this past relationship, right? (Hopefully)



Oh yes. Regrettably, I think I will have to really struggle the next time I see a posting about "Can a long distance relationship really work" to not pounce all over it as a form of purely personal and selfish therapy. I'm sure it can and I don't want to deter anyone. We gave it a good go - several years - but, I suppose for all my crowing about how happy I thought I was, in the end, seeing him only every two months or so is really not...well...I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

Another much more meaningful lesson learned as well, but ... not be shared.

So, you see - it's not that he's a dick or I screwed up or anything like that. It's just...bad timing and too much distance for too long in the foreseeable future. (9 years more - until both our kids are grown and can change locations. I just can't do it.) I know the reason for the breakup is irrelevant to this thread, but damn, turns out my mother was right about me and a long-distance relationship. I hate it when she's right.

(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 8:25:57 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Thank you all for the responses. And to Barelynangel, I very much liked what you said about a natural Dominant compelling submission.

I do intend to be open to whatever the universe makes available to me, as Rule said. That's a practice I'm...well...practicing. My mind was wandering, and I was missing my love, and wondering if I will find that wonderful combination of best friend and Dominant again. And yes, as I think a few people said, it's no different, I suppose, than anyone looking for "the one", D/s or otherwise.

But, I am concerned about "scaring off" a man, as was referenced, if I start to drop hints about my preferences.

In the end, I suppose that if it is the right man, that he won't be scared off - assuming he's not already way ahead of me.




i wouldn't say any woman scares me off, i may decide that we are not compatible but it's not out of fear

just my frame of reference


well maybe if she is one that insists on packing a gun in bed



< Message edited by osf -- 1/15/2011 8:26:58 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Dominantless - 1/15/2011 11:43:02 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
Oh yes. Regrettably, I think I will have to really struggle the next time I see a posting about "Can a long distance relationship really work" to not pounce all over it as a form of purely personal and selfish therapy. I'm sure it can and I don't want to deter anyone. We gave it a good go - several years - but, I suppose for all my crowing about how happy I thought I was, in the end, seeing him only every two months or so is really not...well...I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

Another much more meaningful lesson learned as well, but ... not be shared.

So, you see - it's not that he's a dick or I screwed up or anything like that. It's just...bad timing and too much distance for too long in the foreseeable future. (9 years more - until both our kids are grown and can change locations. I just can't do it.) I know the reason for the breakup is irrelevant to this thread, but damn, turns out my mother was right about me and a long-distance relationship. I hate it when she's right.


Well, it's good you've learned something about relationships from your experience. Anything you've learned something about yourself is even more valuable.

People tend to change over time and long-distance relationships don't give much of a chance for them to grow together.

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 3:53:20 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		First, let me say that I'm sorry that things didn't work out, Kaliko. I wish you healing and peace.

**The rest of this is sort of a 'soap-box' thing -- so if someone isn't up to that, please feel free to ignore the remainder of this.**

quote:

I want to be in love before I submit. That's important to me. I can't submit to just any dom on the block. But I don't want to fall in love with a man who can't take my submission.



It's been my experience that people tend to use the word "love" in a way that doesn't really engender what they're looking for. I think that it is difficult to know whether or not "love" exists in a relationship prior to all of its aspects (including any dominance, submission, etc.) being revealed, because the foundation emotion most people call "love" is not the same as the romantic attraction that people look for in the early portions of a relationship. Let me repeat that for emphasis:  romantic attraction and love are not the same thing.

LOVE takes time to build. Like "character" it comes, not out of the happy, smiling, cuddly days -- but out of the "warts and all" days, and the recognition that the person one is with is someone who understands everything about you -- and is someone that one is willing to sacrifice and challenge oneself to nurture a relationship with.

I think it's important to know what one is looking for BEFORE one goes looking. Romance is a chemical process. Our body draws on pheromones, behavioral triggers, and physiological and psychological patterns we've created, and causes us to spark an attraction for another person -- but that romantic attraction fades. Part of what makes those feelings happen is wrapped up in the -newness- of the relationship, and eventually, that relationship is going to get old and familiar. Love is what happens when the relationship lasts beyond the newness, into the stage where the "blankie" is torn, tattered, stained, and smelly -- and it is still the place where we go for growth and comfort. It is impossible to know whether that will exist at the beginning of a relationship, because it is something that only happens as the relationship develops, and it depends on ALL participants to share that sense of development -- to become each others' "ratty blankie", so to speak.

So with that in mind, here are the guidelines that I keep in mind when I'm starting out a relationship --
  1. Know what you want -- what is important, what is a bonus, and what is intolerable...
  2. Be willing to take a leap of faith -- but pack your own chute.
  3. Be who you are -- and accept that you're not always going to be someone else's cup of tea. That's part of the process. Not every relationship is going to be "forever", and that's ok.
  4. Seek joy and compatibility first and be willing to take the time to grow everything else-- love is like a bonsai -- if it is going to come, it will come in its own time, but the shape it takes begins with what we've put the effort into. But like a bonsai, if the tree is weak, or we neglect its care, or the people involved are shaping it in two different directions, it may not take root.
JMTC

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 1/16/2011 3:54:35 AM >

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***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 4:29:33 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		~FR~

One of the few men I have ever fellt 'organically' compelled to submit to, I was not in love with (I thought I was for a minute). Then I realized that while I *did* love him, it wasnt a 'romantic' kind of love..hell, it wasnt even a lust kind of love.

I loved him (and still do) for the PERSON he is.. an honorable, intelligent, warm (if sadistict..LOL), vibrant, and WHOLE person.

I'd love to have the whole 'flowers and fireworks' thing with someone that I felt submissive to,

but ultimately, time is going to take it's toll.. I want someone I can cackle over coffee with, discuss the weather systems coming in based on joint pain, etc.  Someone I can share happy memories with when the possibility of bending/kneeling/impact play/etc just is NOT realistic, anymore

_____________________________

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 4:49:56 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		After experiencing a powerful relationship where all sorts of emotional and physical heights are reached with mutual respect it's a big comedown to start over at a place where none of that exists. Just remember, it's the accidental touch that may lead to something special.

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 5:16:13 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

~FR~
<snip>
....but ultimately, time is going to take it's toll.. I want someone I can cackle over coffee with, discuss the weather systems coming in based on joint pain, etc.  Someone I can share happy memories with when the possibility of bending/kneeling/impact play/etc just is NOT realistic, anymore




*wants to cackle over coffee with te monkeh*

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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 5:16:56 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

It is interesting to think that there may (according to you!) be as many subs unfulfilled out there as there are doms though - I used to think, given the way new girls get CMobbed by mail, that there were far more happy subs than doms, but recent and past conversations and mails lead me to believe that, while it's easier for girls to find a dom one-nighter whenever they want to, true, enduring happiness is just as elusive as for those on this side of the fence.

I've reached the conclusion that many (not all, not even most, just many) so-called doms are actually very weak, frightened people inside. It seems to attract totally divergent types to the same banner; thoughtful, purposeful and focussed men, and weak, bitter, dishonest, using, misogynistic types. And it seems almost impossible for the average sub to tell the one from the other.

Being fair, and not ever having faced the problem, I should imagine it’s a bloody nightmare; you’re placing your trust and well-being into the hands of someone who, with the minimum of research, can make all the right noises, while knowing, or having experienced, next to nothing.




This.

It's actually fairly easy to tell type B from A as long as I don't allow things to be rushed. But I have to put aside my "sweet, submissive, believing the best from everyone" nature and let the suspicious cynical me sort the wheat from the chaff. This one has only found chaff lately and I'm wondering if she's going overboard in risk management (better than the inverse, I suppose.)

Am I only seeing indications that he is [a married cheater, has bad boundaries, etc, etc] because I'm looking for them?

No, I think I'm pretty justified in concluding this action is a good indicator of that undesirable trait.

Every guy who has said to me, "Don't call me after 7 because of [BS excuse]" has turned out to be living with someone. Etc, etc.

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 5:17:09 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		ExSteelAgain is right -- it's quite a comedown.
having had someone who was not only an extremely naturally Dominant person, and who was also, quite simply, my best friend, i just don't want to "give up" and say that it isn't possible to find again. maybe i will be alone for a while, but anything worth having takes effort to find.

and i agree; finding someone like that takes more than a few minutes here and there in online conversations. for some reason the online component seems to make things move along too fast, or give people the belief that they can move along quickly. i'm beginning to realize that CM is probably not the place to find someone.

reaching out is hard, and often when i read a profile that sounds interesting and i write a message to someone, i don't hear back from them. =p men ignore/delete/don't read messages from chicks who don't fit their criteria, too, so i don't feel so bad when i do the same thing (though, perhaps i should, because it's an uncomfortable feeling for anyone). sometimes i feel like it's easier to see if someone's interested in me, and let them do the message-writing, because i'm always somewhat certain that i'm not what someone's looking for. =p hahaha


(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 5:25:04 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming


quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

~FR~
<snip>
....but ultimately, time is going to take it's toll.. I want someone I can cackle over coffee with, discuss the weather systems coming in based on joint pain, etc.  Someone I can share happy memories with when the possibility of bending/kneeling/impact play/etc just is NOT realistic, anymore




*wants to cackle over coffee with te monkeh*


*smoooches*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 5:59:06 AM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
This one has only found chaff lately and I'm wondering if she's going overboard in risk management (better than the inverse, I suppose.)

A timely warning:

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=89#comic

;)

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 7:04:16 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

A timely warning:

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=89#comic

;)



If I were to exclude men who lied about their height, weight, and recentness of their pictures, the pickings would be slim indeed.

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 7:09:22 AM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

If I were to exclude men who lied about their height, weight, and recentness of their pictures, the pickings would be slim indeed.

My own pet hate is the way that "attractive" as a self-description has somehow become synonymous with "fell out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down" in so many cases.

Hey! We're just oozing positive vibes eh? ;) Still, if you can't laugh, what can you do?*

*answers on a postcard please to ...

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 8:09:45 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenixpower


quote:

ORIGINAL: pachel

but the majority of the men I talk to online do expect that immediate submission. Most won't even meet in person unless I agree to obey them as soon as we meet, which just doesn't make sense to me.  How can I promise to obey someone I don't know? Needless to say, I don't meet many in person. 


lol, that is soooooooooooo true....

my recently "fallen apart" meeting wanted me to use make up when I get ready for him at the airport...quite frankly...I dont use make up...never really did and never got the concept of it either, to spend money on chemical stuff to cover my face with....he knows I am currently unemployed and instead of getting it considered that as "topping from the bottom" *snort*......

or another guy whom I met on the other side of the pond expected me to travel in a dress to him, where I made clear to him that I wont....it is a long flight and I took the risk and paid for that flight....and now I am expected to wear clothes during that flight which I don't associate with feeling comfortable in it...I don't think so....

not to mention the ones who think you are foolish enough to remove any clothes for them on webcam *snort*.

It never fails to amaze me how they truly think to get away with that shit. If he can't meet me as person first then fucking sake, dont waste my time in the first place either



I fully agree you have to be careful with cams but what if, in the first two examples (makeup at the airport and wear a dress in flight), the person was someone who you were very amazed by or completely smitten with due to how your long-distance communications progressed (I mean you felt this person might be perfect for you) would you have then complied with instructions like that?

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(in reply to Phoenixpower)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 8:14:53 AM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		my 3 cents, submission evolves and is not a sharply defined line

it sneaks up on her and i bet she may not even realize when the relationship has crossed that frontier

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Dominantless - 1/16/2011 9:10:39 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW


LOVE takes time to build. Like "character" it comes, not out of the happy, smiling, cuddly days -- but out of the "warts and all" days, and the recognition that the person one is with is someone who understands everything about you -- and is someone that one is willing to sacrifice and challenge oneself to nurture a relationship with.

I think it's important to know what one is looking for BEFORE one goes looking. Romance is a chemical process. Our body draws on pheromones, behavioral triggers, and physiological and psychological patterns we've created, and causes us to spark an attraction for another person -- but that romantic attraction fades.
So with that in mind, here are the guidelines that I keep in mind when I'm starting out a relationship --
  1. Know what you want -- what is important, what is a bonus, and what is intolerable...
  2. Be willing to take a leap of faith -- but pack your own chute.
  3. Be who you are -- and accept that you're not always going to be someone else's cup of tea. That's part of the process. Not every relationship is going to be "forever", and that's ok.
  4. Seek joy and compatibility first and be willing to take the time to grow everything else-- love is like a bonsai -- if it is going to come, it will come in its own time, but the shape it takes begins with what we've put the effort into. But like a bonsai, if the tree is weak, or we neglect its care, or the people involved are shaping it in two different directions, it may not take root.
JMTC

Calla

Dear Calla:
In response to some, if not all of what you say.
I agree that love grows. And what has occurred to me during the last year is how love is therefore not a THING but a PROCESS.
When I look back I realise that I always got what I wanted, for example, a Master when I needed one, a dominant when I needed one, husbands when I needed them as father to my children, a vanilla 'friend' who is the love of my life but cannot be all I ask for (because of my predilection for this lifestyle), and currently as many submissives as I can swing a cat at....I also got teachers, gurus, friends and so on.
What I am saying is that nuch of what I felt as the pain of being alone wasn't actually pain and if it was at the time it certainluy wasn't anywhere near unbearable, life threatening or pain that couldn't be healed simply by the realisation of what I wanted next.
Part of my major change to the other side of the kneel was that ebormous realisation that I felt complete without having to submit and that I could therefore take the responsibility for controlling, (I am reticent to say owning) someone else.
So I have to agree with you that self-sufficiency, meaning I suppose not wanting or needing anyone else at all, came to me because I got clear on exactly what I wanted. paradoxical I know.
And bonsai's are like grass...greener of someone else appears to be respnsible for the caring.



_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Dominantless - 1/18/2011 9:00:24 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline
HIGHJACK ALERT!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Well, last night, I bought wine (for me) and hairball medicine (for my cat) and went home and ate dinner in front of the computer. You know what that means. Sigh....I'm single again.

I am so sorry but everytime My mouse hovers over this and I read that opening sentence, I can't get the picture out of My mind of what it would have been like if you got the liquids round the wrong way! Being the owner of 2 kitties (plus a dog who was doing the "herc ... herc ... HERCULES!" thing this morning, it's just there! Should I elaborate?

I do sincerely wish you the best in this time!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 60
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