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Compliments - 1/16/2011 4:49:26 AM   
allthatjaz


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Status: offline 		This thread has been inspired because of a friend of mine. It isn't a long term friendship but someone we get on well enough to invite to barbecues and dinner parties within our group. I noticed a little while back that she never compliments. She just happened to be one of the first people to see my wedding dress and her response was 'hmm'. When she comes for dinner she always clears the plate and often has second helpings but whilst everyone else says 'thanks Maria, that was a lovely meal' she says nothing. I could think its just my cooking but I have noticed her doing this when we go to other friends for dinner.
I had a group round for dinner last night and I confessed at the start of the meal that this was a new recipe and so your going to have to let me know how it is. I wasn't fishing for compliments off anyone else but I confess that I wanted her opinion good or bad. Again she refused to give it but once again wanted second helpings.
On the other hand, when its her turn to cook she asks everyone what they think of her food and always apears pleased when we compliment her efforts.

Why is this frustrating me so much? If someone invites you and bothers to make the effort is it not polite to be complimentary or am I being old fashioned?

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 5:24:25 AM   
LillyBoPeep


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Status: offline 		it is a little odd... being complimentary isn't really required i guess, but it is kind of a "good manners" thing... if something is good, you let the person know, or you at least thank them for sharing with you...
it's odd that she doesn't do this herself, but expects compliments when it's her food in question...



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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 5:42:38 AM   
purepleasure


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From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		if she is polite and likeable otherwise, i would try to not let it bother me. some people just are not raised with certain social graces.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 5:56:30 AM   
CaringandReal


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Status: offline 		To me, it sounds honest and also not ingratiating, which is actually the opposite of a social grace, at least from my perspective. Because I am a coward and always socially lubricate, I'd find a lack of the need to suck up refreshing, and I'd take her actions (seconds) as my compliment. But I'd also be curious about this behavior and proble more directly, although with a touch of self-deprecating humor, "So, what did you think of dinner? Thumbs up, thumbs down, time to throw up and then go get McDonald's?" and see what she said. It might be interesting! Or if she said "Hmm..." about my dress, and I really wanted her opinion, I'd encourage her--with a smile to let her know I meant her no harm--to say more: "Is that a good hmm... or a bad hmm?" Maybe she just needs a little encouragement.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 5:57:13 AM   
RapierFugue


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From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Why is this frustrating me so much?

Because it's rude and thoughtless.

Kill her and dump her body in a lake. We won't have lost a cure for cancer, but the world will be just a tiny bit more cheery and pleasant ;)

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 6:24:06 AM   
SexyBossyBBW


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quote:

ORIGINAL: purepleasure
if she is polite and likeable otherwise, i would try to not let it bother me. some people just are not raised with certain social graces.
I agree with this.    A lot of women are just very competitive, and wouldn't dare let you think you are a great cook, possibly superior to her cooking.   
I don't often cook, but when I do, I get compliments; if I don't, there tends to be many months, I don't cook, because I can.    M

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 7:28:59 AM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		My take on this is that she's highly insecure. She's afraid of saying anything because her family of origin always jumped on her opinions. IE "What the fuck do you know, you're just a punk kid". Unfortunately I've known too many people who are from those kinds of homes.

As a result she's afraid to say anything but she's also desperate for validation since she never got any. Talk to her outright, tell her you want her opinion. "Hey Jane, what do you think of this? I can't tell if it needs more salt or not" and then thank her for giving you an honest answer.


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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 7:38:22 AM   
allthatjaz


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Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for your replies.
Steve tends to think like purplepleasure, SexyBossy and Caringandreal. Like you said Caring, if she finishes whats on her plate that's proof of enjoyment and of course your right.
I on the other hand tend to think more like RF and Lilly. I think its the height of bad manners and I certainly don't think that complimenting something that has obviously had effort poured into it, tastes good and is served with a welcoming smile is sucking up.
My ex partner never complimented me at all and I got used to living with a man who couldn't show appreciation but like SexyBossy, I stopped making any effort with food and I rarely cooked up anything special. Steve on the other hand is very complimentary of my cooking and I have regained my love of the kitchen and my collection of good recipes. Its a confidence thing, at least for me. We have people round for dinner quite a lot. Steve tends to invite them with no idea of what we are going to eat and I am the one that plans and buys for a good supper. If none of my guests ever paid my meals a compliment its likely I would stop having them round for dinner. Not because I didn't want them round but because I would lose confidence in my ability to cook something tasty.

Perhaps it is a competitive thing SexyBossy! We have an awful tv programme here called 'Come Dine With Me' where people take it in turns cooking for their guests. Everyone takes a vote and the best host/hostess wins. The guests become hugely competitive and seldom compliment the cook. I find that sort of programme cringe worthy.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 7:43:52 AM   
RapierFugue


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From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Perhaps it is a competitive thing SexyBossy! We have an awful tv programme here called 'Come Dine With Me' where people take it in turns cooking for their guests. Everyone takes a vote and the best host/hostess wins. The guests become hugely competitive and seldom compliment the cook. I find that sort of programme cringe worthy.

I utterly detest that programme. I'm a huge fan of home cooking* but that programme seems to bring out the worst in people - I stopped watching it after 3 episodes, when one person actually admitted to voting tactically in order to try and win. And these people are often supposed to be friends! The way some folk behave when offered their 15 minutes of fame disgusts me sometimes.

*today I'm doing a nice Chinese, with special fried rice and juicy chilli chicken** :)
** http://www.five.tv/shows/chinese-food-in-minutes/recipes/juicy-chilli-chicken-with-cashew-nuts
... it’s a wonderfully warming winter dish. Nom nom nom :)

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 7:44:03 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Both Desfip and CR have given me some good advice here on how to get a reaction! Instead of whining about it I think I need to use this.
TY both

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 7:47:19 AM   
allthatjaz


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Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Sounds delicious RF but where do you buy Sichuan peppercorns?

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 7:59:20 AM   
RapierFugue


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From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Sounds delicious RF but where do you buy Sichuan peppercorns?

Any Chinese or “Asian” supermarket will have them. Google for "Chinese supermarkets" or "Chinese stores" in your area. They'll also have the chilli bean paste, which is also essential. Don't worry, the peppercorns are cheap as chips - I got a huge bag for £1.99 (and I mean, so large it'll take me about 2 years to get through them – thank god they last forever in an airtight container) and the chilli bean paste likewise - a little goes a long way, and stores really well in the fridge (germs seem to have a hard time surviving in high concentrations of chilli).

Oh, and tempting as it may be, DO NOT substitute western black peppercorns instead - they're a completely different thing entirely.

If you're in the middle of bunghole nowhere there are several online Chinese ingredient suppliers who will ship anywhere in the UK, and I've seen sites in the US that do the same. There are about a dozen or so Chinese "store cupboard standbys" that you should order at the same time, to do the authentic dishes, like black beans (get the ones in bags not tins if possible), with which to make Ken Hom's "Chicken Wings in Black Bean Sauce" (on YouTube) - it's streets ahead of those ready-made sauces you see. Ken’s recipe is also stunning in the summer, for picnics*

For the special fried rice I use a recipe I’ve worked out over the last couple of years, which I’m happy to share if anyone’s interested. CMail me in case the mods freak at off-topic talk.

Anything from Ching-He Huang’s "Chinese Meals In Minutes" series is superb; I've tried almost all the dishes and have yet to find a duff one. Thoroughly recommended.

* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd-EdJ6u01I

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 9:51:03 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Me being me, would tend to think more along the lines of the more positive posts. Unless she is purposely nasty or negative, I probably wouldn't give it a thought. To me, unless it's a negative, it's positive. Even then, I am likely to try and twist a negative into a positive.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 9:54:12 AM   
RapierFugue


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From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Me being me, would tend to think more along the lines of the more positive posts. Unless she is purposely nasty or negative, I probably wouldn't give it a thought. To me, unless it's a negative, it's positive. Even then, I am likely to try and twist a negative into a positive.

Rudeness *is* negative. In all seriousness, I'd tend to have a quiet word and ask why she was behaving that way then, if no good answer came, and the behaviour continued, I wouldn't bother with her again.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 10:03:44 AM   
LaTigresse


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Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Rude is also very much an abstract thing. It is very likely that what is rude to me is not always going to be so to you and visa versa. There are cultural differences, regional differences, community differences and even familial differences. For me to expect others to have the same value of rude or not, would only make my life more stressful.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 10:05:52 AM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
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From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Rude is also very much an abstract thing. It is very likely that what is rude to me is not always going to be so to you and visa versa.

Which is why I'd have the conversation, to make sure she wasn't falling foul of anything like that.

But I strongly suspect it's just rudeness born of selfishness and being self-centred.

Life's too short to have arseholes for mates :)

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 10:12:15 AM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		It could be rudeness.  Or it could be that she's uncomfortable saying anything.  Does she criticize?

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 11:40:07 AM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		i rarely praise, myself. It embarrasses me, and i also fear coming across as "fake" or "insincere". i tend to be suspicious of people who praise me for the same reason. i have never been comfortable giving or receiving praise. i rarely criticise either, at least in social situations, where i'm sure to come off as mild, reserved, or even shy. It's some people's way. Then again, it's other people's attempt at manipulation. Since she's your friend, you would be able to tell the difference better than we would.

If it bugs you that much why not talk to her? Maybe it would help her. Some people just need a little help seeing what they need to improve on.

pam

P.S.- i know people who thought that i DIDN'T like them because i never praised them. The funny thing is that's usually who i like the best. Good luck.

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 1/16/2011 11:46:35 AM >

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 11:59:29 AM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue
Which is why I'd have the conversation, to make sure she wasn't falling foul of anything like that.

But I strongly suspect it's just rudeness born of selfishness and being self-centred.

Life's too short to have arseholes for mates :)


It's funny, your automatic response is that she's self centered, mine is that she's afraid. Shows the differences in us, doesn't it?


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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 12:14:19 PM   
RapierFugue


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From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
It's funny, your automatic response is that she's self centered, mine is that she's afraid. Shows the differences in us, doesn't it?


It's funny, your automatic response is take everything I say as if I'm deadly serious and not ever having any kind of laugh or joke, yours is that everything you say is deadly serious, and to be treated as gospel.

Shows the differences between us, doesn't it? ;)


< Message edited by RapierFugue -- 1/16/2011 12:15:07 PM >

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