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A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/21/2011 11:17:45 PM

Imacuriousdom

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/2/2009
Status: offline

Greetings everyone...

So, we are a new couple in the scene (no experience... except a little with each other). We will at times talk about our interests related to bdsm and power and the dynamic that comes along with it. Nevertheless, this is a new world for us and so it is a little uncomfortable at the moment.

Is there anyone else who has been in a situation wherein you are new to the scene, maybe a little uncomfortable... but pushed through?, or deal with it somehow. I have this image of being a dom where I should just be super confident and in your face if you fuck with me... but I am more subtle in my approach. And my switch wife, kind of the same thing. It is a new world and we don't know how to live in it yet.

TJ

Post #: 1

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/21/2011 11:38:07 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

I didn't think you are going to find a how to guide cut for your cloth. You have to do what it is that you do. Find your likes and dislikes together and piss on the rest of it. This site will expose you to things that maybe you haven't seen or experienced, but it's more like a bakery... OOH I like it... or meh.

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I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 2

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/21/2011 11:44:52 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

Ok, check my profile. Gotta be super confident.

Well, picture me, hands sweating, outside a Las Vegas hotel conference room door. Starting and stopping. Why? Because beyond that door is a meeting of Threshold, a California based BDSM group. I'd been through Marine Platoon Leaders Course, motorcycled across SE Asia in 1972, was a photographer at the Chicago Democratic Convention and there I was. Scared shitless.

I finally opened that door. It was the best thing I've ever done.

Don't confuse cowardliness with fear. Everyone is afraid. Just screw the courage to the sticking point and turn that brass knob.

You are in DC. The Black Rose (www.br.org) is right in your town. It's a wonderful educational/social club. You've also got The Crucible (http://www.the-crucible.com/front.htm). Admittedly a public dungeon can be daunting, but you are both safer there than walking the Mall. If it will help, when you arrive, ask if Fraiser is around and tell him John Warren sent you. He could make a turkey feel comfortable a week before Thanksgiving. (and the turkey has a LOT to worry about)

If you want to talk privately, feel free to email me.

< Message edited by JohnWarren -- 1/21/2011 11:46:16 PM >

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 3

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 5:21:15 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I would just like to add to the wonderful responses you've already had - at the start of every relationship, you're both 'new' to each other.

I've been in various kinds of D/s relationships for 10 years now, and I feel that same fear and nervousness every time. Am I going to be able to do what is asked of me? Will he measure up to my own mental image of Domliness? Will I measure up to his own mental image of subliness?

And having discussed this with various D-type partners and friends, they've said the same.

For me, the overwhelmingly successful Dominant has just been confident. He's done what he wants to do, and ignored all the stuff he's not interested in. He's talked to me about my likes and dislikes, and incorporated them into what we do. But ultimately, he's been the Boss. Not a dictatorial fiend (although that can be hot...lol), but an intelligent human being who wants what's best for us and our relationship.

If that means at times I'm punished for infringing a rule we have agreed, then so be it. But he's not 'in my face' with it, he'll just state calmly what the problem is, allow me to understand what it is I've done wrong, and then explain the punishment. Never is he rude, overly aggressive or a dickhead. But I respect him totally all the same

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 4

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 5:30:23 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

please forget the bollox you read on the internet and be youreselves. have fun. xx

mos: - whats up wiv da bunny!! - tell me its just having a snooze!

< Message edited by lally2 -- 1/22/2011 5:31:46 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 5

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 5:35:25 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Imacuriousdom

Greetings everyone...

So, we are a new couple in the scene (no experience... except a little with each other). We will at times talk about our interests related to bdsm and power and the dynamic that comes along with it. Nevertheless, this is a new world for us and so it is a little uncomfortable at the moment.

Is there anyone else who has been in a situation wherein you are new to the scene, maybe a little uncomfortable... but pushed through?, or deal with it somehow. I have this image of being a dom where I should just be super confident and in your face if you fuck with me... but I am more subtle in my approach. And my switch wife, kind of the same thing. It is a new world and we don't know how to live in it yet.

There isn't a person here who didn't start out as a naive newbie. Not a single one! And for us older folk, there was no internet where we could at least dabble with new dynamics from the safety and anonymity of our own home.

In the end, water finds its own true level. For people, we get to choose - to seek out that which we need and desire or live in eternal denial....

You do at least have the greatest learning aid possible available to you - a complementing partner. There can be no D/s dynamic without both a dom and sub interacting. And I see you've been a CM member for over a year, so you have a current and first-hand resource available to you. I'd suggest making more use of the latter as the "confident and in your face" type persona is largely nonsense as a common dom trait. And you'd know that if you'd been reading the boards regularly....

Welcome to the forums and good luck.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 6

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 5:52:20 AM

SourandSweet

Posts: 66
Joined: 1/22/2011
Status: offline

We're new to CollarMe, but not new to BDSM, or each other.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'the scene'. Do you mean clubs/ munches etc, or new to a d/s relationship?

We're both 'non-scene', so if that's your meaning we can't help. But if you mean in a relationship sense maybe we can a little. Before we met we both had d/s relationships with others, and one thing you'll find is that each relationship is as unique as the people within it. We personally do not comply with the rules and regs of others. It's OUR relationship. The only person I (the sub obviously) obey is my dom.

You'll find crazies online and off who tell you that if you're not doing it THEIR way you have no right to call yourselves d/s. Ignore them. To us it's a sexuality - we're made this way and we fit together well.

As for confidence - well even doms are human! I don't expect my dom to ALWAYS know the answers, and he knows that he has a bright sub, with lots of commonsense and so asks for, and listens to, my opinions/ views (whether doing day to day stuff or bdsm stuff). Of course, the final decision is always his, but he has enough confidence in himself to sometimes change his mind in light of what I say. Only weak, insecure men stick stubbornly to something they know is wrong!

I suggest you read alot, talk to alot of people and take the advice you want to and ignore the rest. Be who you are, not who others think you should be.

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 7

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 6:00:30 AM

Awareness

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

Don't presume the scene is necessarily where you want to be - especially with an established relationship between the two of you.

BDSM doesn't necessarily imply performance art - decide for yourself. And unless you're explicitly poly, I strongly suggest you make a strong determination of what your own limits are in terms of sharing each other. Public play tends to bring out the poly types and you don't necessarily want to go there.

Essentially, your first task is to understand yourselves. And that's not something which requires input or association with anyone else. Indeed, the desire to find someone else to teach you seems to me to be counter-intuitive for a Dom.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 8

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 6:11:03 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Carol and I totally vanilla when we came to this. Yes, there appears to be a lot to be uncomfortable about. But the truth is that there isn't. Congratulations, you've successfully steered your marriage off the beaten path. What that means is that there aren't any road signs any more. It's entirely up to you two to decide what, exactly, you want your new relationship to look like. The only "bad" thing that's going to happen is one that you two decide to do, which begs the question of "why are you deciding to do bad things?" And anticipating the next concern... yeah, you'll make mistakes as the dom. But before you let nameless fears run amok, ask yourself what are the odds that you're going to do something truly tragically stupid AND that she won't provide any feedback about how stupid it is AND you'll ignore any feedback she does provide AND.... yada yada.

Really, the bottom line is that so long as you two walk this new path hand in hand as a team, nothing much can go wrong but a whole lot can go right.

Oh, insofar as the image of a Dom striding through his life shooting lightning bolts from his eyes.... I'm still working on that part myself.

~Jeff

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 9

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 7:09:52 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Hi Imacuriousdom and welcome to the boards. I take it you mean going out onto the local scene? I read your profile and your advertising for a fem sub to share and so I take it you are both feeling comfortable with your own dynamic within the home?
JW has given you the chance of an introduction and I think that's a great starting place.
I think we all feel like a fish out of water when we attend our first scene event. Not knowing what to expect, feeling like you will stand out as the new kid on the block and all that.
Before I attended events I imagined it to be something like that video from the WMCA. That the guys would all be wearing leather chaps and showing their ass or looking like hells angels and that all the women would be of Playboy standard.
The truth is, nobody knows your new and nobody cares. Lots of new people going to these sort of events all the time. You won't be alone for long because scene people tend to be friendly. Its such a mixed bag of people, from young pretty people to people collecting their pensions. The BDSM scene isn't ageist or size-ist. People are suprisingly normal too

and you will soon team up with people who are interesting and have similar lives as yourself.

My advice when you get chatting to people is, be honest because when people find out your new to the scene they will introduce you to others and recommend other good places.
Understand the rules and protocol. Events normally have a web page with a rules and protocol section.
Look at pictures on their website to see what sort of outfits they wear. A lot of guys wear things like black leather trousers but scene new women tend to dress down and then spend the night feeling like they have underdone it. If its a dress up event then I really don't think you can go ott.

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to SourandSweet)

Post #: 10

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 7:15:56 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

mos: - whats up wiv da bunny!! - tell me its just having a snooze!

da bunny is just snoozing in safe hands

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 11

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 8:11:11 AM

strangedesire

Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

Don't confuse cowardliness with fear. Everyone is afraid. Just screw the courage to the sticking point and turn that brass knob.

As always, you're an inspiration.

_____________________________

On that other site as Exegesis.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 12

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 8:20:41 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I'm still fairly new, when I met my partner I had been actively involved for only a few months - I'm not in the exact same boat as you and your wife, but I wanted to encourage you in your search for information to look past the stereotypes and make things into what is most comfortable for your relationship. When you don't have a lot of experience, the stereotypes can be daunting because we don't all fit them.

I'd like to say like some of the other posters have, you'd never really know my Dom and I were not a vanilla couple. What suits his personality and mine best is to have a loving relationship at the heart of things and live a pretty normal life as a committed couple that goes grocery shopping and rides bikes together. I've never seen him do the crossed arm stance with a stern glare, or put on a pair of leather pants. I have never walked ten paces behind him with my head down, or served him from my knees in a public place. That is what works for US, if others want to do the leather pants etc, then please have at it and enjoy the heck out of it.

We belong to several activity clubs and a sports club (he's the social kind), I'd say every one of those people has no idea what we do when we're alone. The waitress that waits on us at our local restaurant thinks it's very gallant when he takes off my coat and orders for me. When I make sure to get him a refill on his drink, or ask her to bring his favorite hot sauce, she thinks I'm being attentive. He IS gallant, I AM attentive, and we're just being ourselves but also living the roles that we find works for our relationship.

The collar I wear is a collar to those people who can recognize it, but to my kids its a necklace I got as a gift and its hard to take off so I don't take it off. To reinforce the idea that it's a piece of jewelry for their sake, I switch the pendants I hang from it on a whim, or to match what I'm wearing. I'm not trying to hide who we are, if I were ever asked I'd not lie, not even to my family, but it's really no one's business and we're just more comfortable being a 'normal' couple because well...that's who we really are most of the time. We made our reality into something that was right for us and it was a process that took a little while. We're kinky as hell behind closed doors, we're more comfortable having that be private.

Feel free to gather up some knowledge and twist and turn things to fit what makes you and your wife happy. There is a wealth of information on this site and others like it, there are a lot of good books, go out and meet people. You'll finalize how you both feel about things and it'll become your reality, its an organic growth process like anything else. It's good to start out by asking questions but don't feel daunted, you are just as entitled to do things your way as anything else. Good luck!

< Message edited by lizi -- 1/22/2011 8:23:59 AM >

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 13

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 8:29:30 AM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

when i first went to a public dungeon i was a wallflower just observing and asking questions. i did find my Mistress but it took looking and asking questions. the 2 of you are new so have fun learning theres lots to see and do. go to some demos read some bdsm books talk it over and see what works for you. the lifestyle does not come with a set of rules or guide book so enjoy the learning.

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LadyPact

(in reply to strangedesire)

Post #: 14

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 8:44:20 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Imacuriousdom

Greetings everyone...

So, we are a new couple in the scene (no experience... except a little with each other). We will at times talk about our interests related to bdsm and power and the dynamic that comes along with it. Nevertheless, this is a new world for us and so it is a little uncomfortable at the moment.

Is there anyone else who has been in a situation wherein you are new to the scene, maybe a little uncomfortable... but pushed through?, or deal with it somehow. I have this image of being a dom where I should just be super confident and in your face if you fuck with me... but I am more subtle in my approach. And my switch wife, kind of the same thing. It is a new world and we don't know how to live in it yet.

TJ

Confidence is not the absence of Fear. It's the ability to believe in oneself in spite of it. If you ever stop feeling that uncomfortableness... I would say that you have stopping pushing yourself to grow beyond where you are at now.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 15

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 8:48:05 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Imacuriousdom
I have this image of being a dom where I should just be super confident and in your face if you fuck with me... but I am more subtle in my approach. And my switch wife, kind of the same thing. It is a new world and we don't know how to live in it yet.

Be yourself. There is no template or "right" way; what's "right" is what's "right" for you, and your relationship with her.

Read, learn, research by all means, but in the end what will happen is just what should happen - you'll both put your own slant on things as it pertains to your relationship.

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 16

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 9:03:15 AM

Imacuriousdom

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/2/2009
Status: offline

You all are very kind and welcoming; it is appreciated. When mentioning 'the scene,' I guess what was meant was more the 'lifestyle' although it would be a lie if I said we have not been at times curious about the Black Rose and other groups. Thanks for the reference, John. I think one of the perennial difficulties, and perhaps some can relate, is having grown up Catholic (and continuing to be Catholic) all the while trying to reconcile what is a bit of a disjunction between our desires and our religious identity (which, quite frankly, I am betting was a contributing factor to these desires... but that is for another post). Whatever the case, Focus50 is right when he notes that the alternative option is eternal denial. I suppose it is all a work in progress. Thanks everyone.

(in reply to RapierFugue)

Post #: 17

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 9:10:43 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Imacuriousdom

You all are very kind and welcoming; it is appreciated. When mentioning 'the scene,' I guess what was meant was more the 'lifestyle' although it would be a lie if I said we have not been at times curious about the Black Rose and other groups. Thanks for the reference, John. I think one of the perennial difficulties, and perhaps some can relate, is having grown up Catholic (and continuing to be Catholic) all the while trying to reconcile what is a bit of a disjunction between our desires and our religious identity (which, quite frankly, I am betting was a contributing factor to these desires... but that is for another post). Whatever the case, Focus50 is right when he notes that the alternative option is eternal denial. I suppose it is all a work in progress. Thanks everyone.

As far as I'm aware, at no point in the bible does it say "thou shalt not spank" ;)

If it does, can someone let me know, coz I'm in big trouble*

*not that I give a fuck, but it's better to know than not ;)

ETA: And yes, I've met/enjoyed a lot of Catholic (and lapsed Catholic) girls, so I think your theory may well be correct :)

< Message edited by RapierFugue -- 1/22/2011 9:12:00 AM >

(in reply to Imacuriousdom)

Post #: 18

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 9:22:28 AM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

Mel Brooks captured the truth of it man. Remember when Moses dropped the third tablet? My guess it was deliberate cuz they were kink unfriendly rules. Try an put yourself in his sandals... you're carrying around this cool stick that you can do more tricks with than a monkey can do with a mile of vine an here's five rules that say you cannot utilize the cool little stick for your kinky pleasure.

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to RapierFugue)

Post #: 19

RE: A new (fairly uncomfortable) couple here - 1/22/2011 9:22:28 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

OP, there should not be a rush at all to discover yourselves. Frankly, you have achieved the most difficult part of the journey...you already found each other.

Once you have that, everything else is a fun, wild experiment. Enjoy.

(in reply to RapierFugue)

Post #: 20

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