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Disability - 10/3/2004 7:19:27 PM

mystyblue

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/17/2004
Status: offline

I am very submissive. I was married for 20 years to a vanilla man. I've been divorces 2 yrs and yearn for a D/s relationship. I am disabled but can do almost anything. I'm not paralyzed and can walk short distances. How do i prove to a Dom that He won't hurt me. I can take just as much as a "normal"sub. I am frustrated with people thinking that i will be hurt and i don't want to spend the rest of my life alone because of what people, Doms in particular, think. What can i do?

Post #: 1

RE: Disability - 10/3/2004 7:50:26 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Be honest. Tell him to start out slow and build up. That's what everyone has to do anyway. If they went all out assuming the submissive was a pain slut..well there would be a whole lot of the lifestyle in jail for abuse.
Find someone who doesn't mind taking on someone with a disability then move slowly.

(in reply to mystyblue)

Post #: 2

RE: Disability - 10/3/2004 8:45:27 PM

TahoeSadist

Posts: 176
Joined: 8/3/2004
Status: offline

mystyblue,
That is a good question, and unfortunately it is difficult. I have several submissive women with different physical limitations. What has helped me was them being honest and forthright not only about what they could not do, but what they enjoyed, were interested in, etc. I can only speak for myself, and I have always found the challenge of handling safely situations like you describe to be very fulfilling, as well as a deep honor that a person has that much faith in my abilities. That may be the approach that works, as I am sure that there are guys out there who feel the same way I do, and while finding them may be a little harder, it's also worth it.

Eric

_____________________________

As long as one of us enjoys it, it's not a total waste

(in reply to mystyblue)

Post #: 3

RE: Disability - 10/4/2004 8:46:08 PM

Nvernilla

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline

You should ask yourself if you want to be with a Dom who is so rough he is worried of hurting you first of all. This culture is so varied that whatever level of involvment you want is here somewhere I am sure. Just be careful and don't give up is what I'd say...Mike

(in reply to mystyblue)

Post #: 4

RE: Disability - 10/4/2004 10:11:27 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

You should ask yourself if you want to be with a Dom who is so rough he is worried of hurting you first of all

I don't think she is complaining about Doms who are too rough. She wants a Dom who will be able to overlook her disability and treat her as rough as she needs.

(in reply to Nvernilla)

Post #: 5

RE: Disability - 10/5/2004 1:21:28 AM

mystyblue

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/17/2004
Status: offline

That is exactly right Sir i want to be treated like every other sub. So i sit in a chair longer then others. Tha doesn't change that i am as submissive as any other sub. I want a Dom to see me not the chair i sit in or the cane i use but just me.

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 6

RE: Disability - 10/5/2004 7:38:31 AM

TahoeSadist

Posts: 176
Joined: 8/3/2004
Status: offline

That is exactly right Sir i want to be treated like every other sub. So i sit in a chair longer then others. Tha doesn't change that i am as submissive as any other sub. I want a Dom to see me not the chair i sit in or the cane i use but just me.
[/quote]

mystyblue,
I love your spirit,and think that what you said above is what you should tell any prospective Dom's. Another thought pops into my mind: do you attend play parties and other scene events? If so, do you have any friends you trust to play with at them? Not necessarily friends who you want a long relationship with, but someone who will play as you need, where others are around who may be interested but are concerned with what they perceive as your limitations? It may sound like I'm suggesting an audition, and while I do not mean to, I have seen this sort of thing work (hell I have been asked by sub females to please play with them so that person "x" will see how they like it and that they won't break in half).
Just an early morning thought.

Eric

_____________________________

As long as one of us enjoys it, it's not a total waste

(in reply to mystyblue)

Post #: 7

RE: Disability - 10/5/2004 12:42:34 PM

Nvernilla

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline

Never said she was complaining about that just trying to help her in the selection process I stand by what I said

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 8

RE: Disability - 10/5/2004 1:31:01 PM

jillwfsub4blkdom

Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

i was just curious as to whether you ever attend any local munches? With the locale you are in i would think there would be plenty. i think that this would give a Dom the opportunity to get to know you, see your spirit, and learn to see past the disability. Good luck and i wish you the best with the search.

jill

_____________________________

"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to mystyblue)

Post #: 9

RE: Disability - 10/6/2004 5:16:09 PM

GoreanBob

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline

Hi,
As a Dom with a disability I can tell you many will say it’s this or that, but if you watch you'll see very few that can actually get past an infirmity. Its like a 400 pound person with 3 big macs eating, nobody says anything to him; but everybody sneaks a look or comments. Many equate a wheelchair to no sex or limited sex and just won't tell you that matters to them.
Robert

(in reply to jillwfsub4blkdom)

Post #: 10

RE: Disability - 10/6/2004 5:28:54 PM

mastrkink

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/24/2004
Status: offline

As a Dom who has a slave with some severe health issues that are quite disabling at times, I think my best advice is to be honest and be yourself. The Doms that can't handle your physical situation are only reflectiing their inability to cope with you as a person. I think that most Doms who truly appreciate their subs would only see it as a challenge to their capabilities and want to prove to themselves and you that slight imperections have no bearing on what you bring to a D/s relationship.

MK

(in reply to mystyblue)

Post #: 11

RE: Disability - 10/13/2004 2:33:42 PM

serenity2u

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/9/2004
From: MSN
Status: offline

I know how you feel in asking this question. I was put in hospital for two months when i met a Dom for a dinner and dance one evening. We were in a auto accident that night and i was hurt badly to where the police said I was DOA at the scene and to my witnesses.. Now I have a limp and i can't turn my arm too good..But I use it.. I worry about belonging to anyone because I left my life to One I was suppose to believe in and trust but never saw him again after that night.. I was lucky to make it but I did on my own with out help,but I would like to find one who will have the patience to understand my situation and help me to rehab more. I can do it alone and walk and clean house ,cook and make love lol.. But Its hard to have someone to understand our situations as disabled,but I donot feel I am ,I can move and do things just like before ,so the word is more of a wrong word to use. I look at it as a way to be above others that have not experienced the pain before and assume they are painlovers,They have no idea. I donot have pain but I know what it is while i was in hospital.. Now can a Dom accept a submissive as she is knowing her submissiveness is in her heart and soul.?? Many cannot but then they have that choice.. I hope i have not depressed anyone but being disabled is not being dumb and unable to do as expected. If that was so we would not be here at all. smiles thank you a great article I appreciate it very much serenity

_____________________________

serenity

(in reply to mystyblue)

Post #: 12

RE: Disability - 10/13/2004 3:24:08 PM

LadyBeckett

Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline

quote:

I hope i have not depressed anyone but being disabled is not being dumb and unable to do as expected. If that was so we would not be here at all.

I was at the hospital today to have a doppler test done on my leg and the technician kept yelling at me. Finally I asked her "Why are you yelling at me?" She apologized and lowered her voice.

I've noticed since the effects of this stroke have become mildly apparent, that people are speaking louder around me. lol You're right, having a disability doesn't make one "dumb", or "deaf" either.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to serenity2u)

Post #: 13

RE: Disability - 10/13/2004 3:36:38 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

I have a good friend of mine who is paraplegic. From the waist down, no feeling and very little muscle control so therefore she is most usually in a wheelchair, though now and then with crutches. From the waist up, 100% like any other able bodied person. No slurred speech, no lack of coordination, nothing.

A few weeks ago, we went out for dinner and the waiter kept talking to her like she was 5 years old. I got so fed up with it that I looked at the guy and said: "For your information dear Sir, the lovely intelligent woman sitting across the table from me who you insist on talking down to even though she responds to you quite eloquently happens to have a PhD. You might want to change your approach if you expect to gave anything more then a little copper penny for a tip." He apologized profusely.

Just goes to show how ignorant some people are.

-LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

Post #: 14

RE: Disability - 10/13/2004 4:08:27 PM

LadyBeckett

Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline

I don't think people are ignorant as much as perhaps they get confused in their awkwardness in the face of disability or physical imperfection/vulnerability. Maybe they don't know how to act, because certainly they can't believe that I "hear" through my toes, or that your friend "thinks" with her legs. Or...that we are any less than what we were because of this difference, even though when the difference first becomes apparent maybe we think so for awhile. It takes some getting used to, for all involved in the interaction.

< Message edited by LadyBeckett -- 10/13/2004 4:18:27 PM >

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 15

RE: Disability - 10/13/2004 5:21:33 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

The person that sees you as you ARE - won't be put off by your shell.

My partner and dominant (well when I can get into that mindset anyway - but that's another issue/story LOL) was born with spina bifada. He is paralyzed from the right knee down, and it is a few inches shorter than the working leg.

The achilles tendon was severed when he was a child, and so there is no muscle development at all. He's lucky he can walk considering how severe his spina bifada is/was. He doesn't think about it really - in fact, he's so used to it, he never brings it up, I didn't learn of it, until I met him face to face - and that was a shock for a few seconds, but really all it is is a shell, and that was pretty much how I handled it.

It doesn't make him less of anything. The REAL fact is here - the one that is RIGHT for you - will see YOU - and take the time to get to know you and what - if any - your physical limitations are, and then work with them,and TRUST that you will be honest and let them know if they might be expecting you to handle what you in fact cannot.

The REAL catch here is, don't allow yourself to use your disablity as a manipulation tool - and oh yes, most folks will state oh no, I'd never do that, but humans are complex creatures, and not all of us really SEE the subtle manipulations we all unconsciously pull. I know a lady that has a heart condition, but she desires a really intense interrogation/abduction scene, she REALLY yearns for this. However, she has used her condition many times to bail out on things she really could handle (she's admitted this to me) as a result her husband/dominant is scared shitless to either do it, or have it done, as he really loves her and wants to be a caring dominant, so he is essentially tied in a state of enertia (sp?).

So now she will complain that she thinks he isn't dom enough, because he won't just DO it, but she's manipulated him into a place where he's fucked if he doesn't, and if it goes wrong, he is fucked if he does - not a happy place to be, and I feel bad that he is in such a place. I've tried gently nudging her to see what she is creating, but she wouldn't handle the blunt hard truth and would feel I was being harsh and unjust, when in reality because I am not close to the situation, I see it pretty clearly, and it's not pretty and it IS an unconscious thing. I KNOW if she really opened her eyes, she'd realize her biggest obstacle is that she is crippling her dominant by getting him so worried about what she could handle, that he'd rather do nothig at all rather than risk losing her.

And at the same time, she will egg us all on, with oh you couldn't make this happen, or you see, it wouldn't work because, and etc. Basically coming up with every excuse she can find, but all the while going oh I would LOVE that but oh NO this COULD happen, and oh yeah the fact it could happen and I couldn't control this means that would be so very hot, and you get the picture. It's obvious she wants this very badly, but she is unconsciously putting up every obstacle she can to ensure it never happens and using her disability as a shield, and is making the very thing she wants so badly nearly impossible for her to experience. And all the while, placing her dominant in between a rock and a hard place.

So you see, sometimes we unknowlingly use our limitations as a shield, as an excuse, and when we *do*, it is VERY hard to be able to coldly and objectively look at that fact and accept that we ARE the obstacle and then STOP being the problem. It's human. It's common. And it's not supposed to be easy I don't think. So I'm NOT saying this is something you are doing, just putting forth a casual warning to perhasp let you check yourself to see if perhaps some of your obstacles aren't maybe ones you might be feeding into unconsciously.

And always realize - the right person wouldn't care about your shell, they'll see the REAL you - inside of it.

And just a word to the wise, there ARE those that would prey on disabled submissives - and they can be VERY smooth. Some predators out there DO target disabled submissives, so even if they SEEM perfect or too good to be true, SLOW DOWN and try to look at the whole thing objectively as much as you can, and TAKE YOUR TIME. Most predators want things to go very quickly, they get fidgety and pushy when things seem like they are taking too long to develop - the right person will wait til the cows come home because they give a fuck about you.

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

Post #: 16

RE: Disability - 10/14/2004 9:54:37 AM

wishes1961

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

Am new to this board and and not Dominant but thought I would jump in. I am disabled due to a severe lung condition. There are many things I can no longer do, however there are MANY that I can still do with a little accomidation. I am very involved with the local community, as far as them being supportave, more then i care to count say they will help, but when asked to, do not or can not, There are however, those that have been very supportave, Just like anywhere else those of us that are disabled have to face the same probllems. Some are due to what they can obiviously see, such as being in a wheelchair. Others are those with invisable disabilties.

On a personal note I use oxygen 8-10 hours during the night. During the day I use it as needed. There is a difference in how I am treated when i am carring around an oxygen tank compared to when i am not.

To answer the question by mystyblue, my advise would be take your time getting to know him, As he comes to learn about you and your ilness, he will have a better understandig of what he can and can not do with you. I can not walk far but just walk slowly and take rests. Often a slow walk leads to interesting conversations.

I completly agree with ShadeDiva, do not let your disabilty be an excuse, if you can not do something find a way around it or find a different/modified simular activity. I once knew a sub that was paralized form the waist down, Her owner made a fully supportave stand simular to one that holds a doll up for display so she could experience a flogging standing up. so with acomidations many things are possible.
w
wished

(in reply to ShadeDiva)

Post #: 17

RE: Disability - 10/22/2004 12:05:53 AM

HadesJester

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/21/2004
Status: offline

Hi all, new to the festivities here.

Being disabled myself I know what you mean. Though I am a dom it is still a hurdle we have to get over. What I would do is let prospective partners know what the root of my physical problems are. Be open and honest, tell them anything that is pertinant to the situation. Lack of information causes fear. Shine a light on the situation and it often times makes things better.

There will always be those who won't accept you as is and there's nothing you can do about that. Acknowledge and move on. Keep on keepin' on and you will find someone willing to work with you.

Hope that helps.

(in reply to wishes1961)

Post #: 18

RE: Disability - 10/22/2004 5:19:19 AM

INSIDEYOURMIND

Posts: 483
Status: offline

I have wanted to reply to this thread for a time now, but was hesitant because it hits a hard spot with me.
I try and say to myself that I am open minded, and can handle just about any situation, but as a Dom, I would have issues with a person with disabilities as a sub for just the reasons mystyblue brings up, I would always question myself as to if I was going too hard, or too long. Not because I am abusive, but would be concerned for her fragility.

And now the issue is that I have become disabled, I have full use of my body, but I am in need of a heart transplant, it limits my strength and energy, and at some point, I will become dependant on my submissive for my daily care during the post operative recuperation. While our relationship is fairly new, I am convinced this is the woman I want to share my life with. I was completely upfront when we met in regards to my condition, and she has already dealt with a hospitalization, but she is a trooper and goes into this with her eyes wide open.
As a Dom, I feel that when I am incapacitated, I am weak, and less Domly, my sub has shown me that this is not the case to her, and she clearly sees the spirit, not the shell.
This sub has taught this old Dom a new trick, and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

quote:

Learn to ask for what you want....The worst people can do is not give you what you ask for—which is precisely where you were before you asked.
—Peter McWilliams

< Message edited by INSIDEYOURMIND -- 10/22/2004 5:32:59 AM >

(in reply to HadesJester)

Post #: 19

RE: Disability - 10/22/2004 9:03:09 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I hope you can find the heart you need, and fast too. I wish you a speedy recovery Inside.

As for not being Domly, it seems amny have issues with that. Isn't it a bit of ignorance to think Dominants don't have down days as well? It would be the same ignorance that submissives only have down days and cannot stand up and be strong when the time comes.
Anyway, I'm happy you learned that tidbit of info about ourselves. Now how do we teach the masses?

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)

Post #: 20

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