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RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? - 1/26/2011 1:38:09 PM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I agree Des, I was just curious as to why others were surprised that many people have trouble actually seeing a person for who they really are, vs. a projection of what they want them to be.

I have seen that happen time and time again to friends of mine and I have also met people who had trouble seeing me, vs. what they wanted me to be.

I think there is a big difference between being self aware of what you need vs. failing to see the reality of the person in front of you.

You know it's weird red... that's why I am wondering if it's a cultural thing. My experience is different to yours and more akin to what Mr RF wrote. But I often hear from non UK people the opposite. Hmmmm....

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RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? - 1/26/2011 1:40:30 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I agree Des, I was just curious as to why others were surprised that many people have trouble actually seeing a person for who they really are, vs. a projection of what they want them to be.

I have seen that happen time and time again to friends of mine and I have also met people who had trouble seeing me, vs. what they wanted me to be.

I think there is a big difference between being self aware of what you need vs. failing to see the reality of the person in front of you.

I find self awareness to be rare. And those who have done the hard work to discover the truths about themselves are more likely to see others as people in their own right, and not lie to themselves about the reality of the other person./

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RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? - 1/26/2011 1:42:38 PM

RapierFugue

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Of course one can never assume what an entire planet thinks, but that is just semantics. I was curious to hear more of your thought process , but that is ok if you don't want to share.

Process? There's a process? I want my money back - I never got the paperwork on that one!

I can't recall if it was you I spoke to about the propensity some folk around here have for picking apart the "thought processes" of others (appallingly badly), but WTF ... as it's you :)

Experience teaches us (or should do) that if we imbue relationships with characteristics we are seeking, then the likelihood is that we will, in some way, colour our interactions with that other person, very rarely to the betterment or development of that relationship. Therefore, while we may, while younger, have plunged in with both feet, so to speak, in projecting either ourselves or our wants/needs/desires, in time we learn that things are what they are, and the best, and most rewarding, course of action is to merely see what is, and leave what may be to the actual, genuine interactions themselves.

Or, to put it another way, even if you paint it yellow that doesn't necessarily make it a canary. It might well be a duck. Better to sit back, enjoy it, and see if it quacks, or sings, in time.

Now you might say "but that's just you ... what about everyone else?", to which I would refer you back to paragraph 3 ;) My experience is that many people (though not all by any means) do genuinely do the same thing, but whether that's because that's what I do, and they reflect that, or whether it's because I attract people who do that, or whether it's because they believe the same thing, is left as an exercise for the reader ...

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RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? - 1/26/2011 1:44:17 PM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I agree Des, I was just curious as to why others were surprised that many people have trouble actually seeing a person for who they really are, vs. a projection of what they want them to be.

I have seen that happen time and time again to friends of mine and I have also met people who had trouble seeing me, vs. what they wanted me to be.

I think there is a big difference between being self aware of what you need vs. failing to see the reality of the person in front of you.

I find self awareness to be rare. And those who have done the hard work to discover the truths about themselves are more likely to see others as people in their own right, and not lie to themselves about the reality of the other person./

Nods. I find self awareness to be rare as well. That is why this entire thread is very interesting.

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RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? - 1/26/2011 2:12:40 PM

FukinTroll

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't think it would bother me for someone I met to have a pre-existing idea in his mind of what he needs in a partner. IF, and you know there has to be an if, he actually had enough insight and self awareness to really make an accurate representation of what he needed. I think we all have some idea of what we need in a partner and screen others to not waste their time and happiness, or our own, by getting involved in a relationship guaranteed to implode.

This.

I do not prescribe to a preconceived notion or glowing fantasy of how it is going to be. I know what I want and need, am very strait forward about it, very open about what my expectations are thus eliminating the chance of implosion. I am in no hurry to have said partner(s) join me. I would much rather miss an opportunity rather than invite disaster. I appreaciate the person or persons for who she/they are and not what I can turn them into.

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RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? - 1/26/2011 2:26:46 PM

Prinsexx

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Self awareness is the most fascinating process. Meditation brings awareness but, depending upon the practuce, can also create a detachment from the very awareness process itself.
But then even self-awareness doesn't necessarily give us the tools to stop projection (making others into what you need them to be) or introjection (making oneself into what others want us to be).
To stand in the middle path between those two is a harsh balancing act.
After the disappointment or indeed joy that seeing ourself in the harsh light of reality comes another hard learned lesson: that no matter how we try to change another they are simply who they are.
Bdsm and its roles and toys can be used either way: to fetishise who we are but also to strip us bear.
Blood, sweat, tears, nakedness, flesh, touch, sensation, pain, foorebearance, loyalty, and also pure love: that's what I seek and indeed have found in this thing call the lifestyle.
No I don't know how to answer the riginal question as I have never found a disembodied dynamic. Except ofcourse within my imagination and creativity. There anything can and often does happen. And all of it, some of it, can happen in a flash when meeting another person for the first time. Indeed there is biological evidence (don't ask me for the link right now) to show that we have already made our minds up about the other some six seconds before we become aware of what we are thinking about them. What level that happens on must be visceral and a matter of pure chemistry.
So was I looking for a person? probably. What has happened is I have found myself smack bang in the middle of a delicious chemistry all over again. Now let's see if they turn out to be the person I expected, assumed, wanted them to be.
There's no way off the roundabout.

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