Looking for a dynamic or a person? (Full Version)

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Elisabella -> Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 4:52:23 PM)

I finally figured out what's been bugging me about most of the profiles on the other side of the site. So many people just put the type of relationship they're interested in, instead of describing the type of person they want.

Does the relationship style take precedence for people looking for a relationship here? I'm addressing only people looking for a LTR...for hookups it's the same in vanilla, you describe the type of hookup you're looking for and a bit about yourself, but for LTR's it seems totally different.

Is being interested in BDSM the same as prioritizing BDSM?



0ldhen -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 5:34:18 PM)


It is like shopping. You go to the shoe dept versus the furniture dept. Then you find your size. Then you pick boots, flats, slippers. Then you try them on until you find the pair that fits you.

It just is not possible to cover everything on a internet site. Even those searching for a ltr have to begin their sorting with something.

Personally I list zero kinks, only vanilla interests. If those mesh when i speak to somebody then I will discuss kink. After all you can only spend so much time playing.



gungadin09 -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 5:38:36 PM)

Does my profile specify the person or the dynamic i'm looking for?

Neither. It doesn't seek out certain people or kinks, so much as try to eliminate certain people or kinks.

My profile doesn't list what i desire to find. It lists what i desire NOT to find. (i.e. limits). As far as i'm concerned, anyone not eliminated by that list is worth looking into for a LTR. i tried to be explicit as possible, in the hopes of saving time for everyone involved. i don't subscribe to the notion that submission is an act of pure altruism. i admit, i want something in return.

The list of proscribed traits includes kinks (i.e. Daddy-daughter dynamics), personality traits (extroversion), as well as issues of morality (cheating husbands).

pam



mummyman321 -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 7:09:26 PM)

I would argue that I am looking for the Dynamic in a Person. First I am going to look for a person who has similar interests as me. Of those people then I look for the dynamic in that person.

Interests, wants and needs are easy to state in a profile. Defining the dynamic in person would be a challange. And I am not sure I would try. Eacg person is different in their own way, unique and one of a kind. So I am not really going to know that dynamic until I see it :)



NihilusZero -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 8:15:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Is being interested in BDSM the same as prioritizing BDSM?

A pleasant surprise to run into you on here again. :)

There's a certain degree of inter-mingling with this, for me. The views on dynamics relationships of someone else will give a very big clue about the likelihood for their compatibility with me in such a relationship. The specific characteristics after that, however, are not necessarily relevant to BDSM-related stuff as much as they are related to "the type of person I'd enjoy being partnered with" stuff.



DarkSteven -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 8:18:32 PM)

I assume whenever I pick a cm profile for a submissive straight or bi woman, that the dynamic will be pretty close.  So I put in most of the effort in finding a compatible person.



InvisibleBlack -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 8:26:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

I finally figured out what's been bugging me about most of the profiles on the other side of the site. So many people just put the type of relationship they're interested in, instead of describing the type of person they want.


Interesting this, as I was considering re-writing my profile entirely this weekend to solely describe the person I want, sans dynamics beyond simply D/s. Unfortunately events intervened and I didn't have the time, but I still may go that way.

quote:


Is being interested in BDSM the same as prioritizing BDSM?


I would argue that no, it's not. For some people, the BDSM dynamics in their lives don't work if they're not with the right person. There are others for whom, I believe, the dynamics supersede the person they're with and would be workable with most anyone willing.



gungadin09 -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 8:59:11 PM)

i tried to express my own personality in my profile, in the hopes of attracting the kind of person that i want to talk to. For example, the photos are mostly of animals or nature. The journals are all creative writing related to BDSM but not sexual. There is no kink or activities list, but i tried to be humorous, and the limits list is as detailed and precise as i can make it. In general, i'd say it has worked pretty well. i don't get hundreds of emails like some women, but the people who do contact me seem to be a higher caliber than what's average for the site.

pam



CeriseNin -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 10:00:20 PM)

In the essay part I put up a little about me as a person, not what I was looking for in a person. Though I did say something about my dating preference, I didn't talk about my kinks at all. Hopefully my tiny essay of moi showed a little of my personality - a peek into my world.



myotherself -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 11:12:43 PM)

When I was looking, I changed my profile quite a few times in response to the sort of messages I was receiving.

To start with I used my profile to describe me, and try to get my personality across. I then spent a fair amount of time politely saying 'no' to guys who didn't share my particular kinks (D/s and s/m), or who thought that I could suppress my masochistic side and become their service slave.

Then I tweaked it again to mention my kinks in a little more detail. The HNG mail multiplied exponentially, and I got a lot of 'you say you don't do casual play, but pleeeeeease play with me!' messages. That got really gross and creepy really quickly, so kink detail was quickly removed!

A further rewrite...and fortunately I started to meet the kind of guys I was looking for. It was a lot about who I am, a fair bit about the kind of man I was looking to find, and something about my kink.

Thankfully that worked [:D]



sexyred1 -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/24/2011 11:33:08 PM)

I like what my profile depicts about me and yet I still get a ton of emails from unsuitable men. That is because many do not read beyond the word submissive; insisting that because one is a Dom and one is a sub that is the basis of every relationship and nothing further needs to be determined.

I am seeking both a person and a dynamic; I don't see how that can be separated. I think I clearly state the type of relationship I want and the qualities that I find most desirable. I don't feel it necessary to go on and on about particular kinks, some of them are listed in interests, but I am more interested in whether I am compatible with someone on multiple levels.

It is a crapshoot online. You can only make sure you are out there in all areas of your life being open to whomever you may meet and that, being selective and luck is all you can hope for.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 3:05:21 AM)

I don't see how a person and dynamic can be separated either -- people create the dynamic; i'm seeking a person who wants to build the type of dynamic that i want to be a part of. =p simply being a self-described Dom isn't enough, but neither is describing a fantastically functional BDSM dynamic. chemistry and compatibility between the people still matters if you're trying to work out an LTR -- even if you go into it without the intention that it will become emotional, there's still something about each other that must click in order for you to work well.
I went through the profile writing pretty quickly because, really, i was more interested in coming back to the message boards. =p i've been thinking of rewriting it though, but when they're TOO long, people don't read them, and when they're short, they just don't say enough. i have kink interests mentioned, stuff about myself mentioned, a paragraph about the type of person i like; though maybe i should add more to that. does anyone even READ them? haha

so for me, it's a person and a dynamic altogether.



lally2 -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 3:20:58 AM)

good question!! - ive been wondering the same thing myself for an absolute age.

people look for a dynamic mostly. the person almost doesnt feature in terms of who they are and the life that they lead.

i agree that certain things are important.  ive just had a cmail from a guy responding to me perving his profile, in which he said 'you wont like me im too strict and a sadist'.  well, the strict part wouldnt be a problem at all, damn i need to be stretched for sure in that department.  but sadism of an extreme kind i just wouldnt be able to satisfy someone who has hit a level i know i cant reach.

its what comes first i suppose.  do you figure in the BDSM to ensure a reasonable match before getting too emotionally involved with someone.  does emotional involvement come along with time, i guess so.

but yes.  i do think that some people are looking for a kink fix and the idea that it might actually have the potential for something more than just BDSM challenges some on all sorts of levels.




RapierFugue -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 3:49:26 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
It is a crapshoot online.


Oh hell yes :)



RCdc -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 3:59:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

I finally figured out what's been bugging me about most of the profiles on the other side of the site. So many people just put the type of relationship they're interested in, instead of describing the type of person they want.

Does the relationship style take precedence for people looking for a relationship here? I'm addressing only people looking for a LTR...for hookups it's the same in vanilla, you describe the type of hookup you're looking for and a bit about yourself, but for LTR's it seems totally different.

Is being interested in BDSM the same as prioritizing BDSM?


Mostly, I find that it has nothing to do with LTRs but more to do with the experience someone has had with online dating or social forums.
Usually, people with little practical experience of meeting others with any kind of success or are new profile peoples, have profiles that look for the relationship itself.
Those with successful practical experience or who even unsuccessful ones who have learned from their experience or those who have been around a while, tend to have profiles connecting more with the person they wish to meet.



DarkSteven -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 6:08:24 AM)

I rethought this.

I know many people from collarme.  For each one, I have a different dynamic, based on what they are like.  Some, I choose to have no relationship with whatsoever because I wouldn't like that dynamic.  Some, like Dommes or taken submissives, I maintain friendship only relationships, but possibly with some harmless flirting.

Any relationship should be based upon the needs and capabilities of both partners.

It's a chicken or an egg question.  I am pretty open as far as relationships go, but will select a person if the consequent dynamic will work for both of us.



osf -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 6:52:54 AM)

being interested in bdsm, etc. already reduces the pool of suitable partners tremendously

both dynamic and the person being necessary to the relationship, a little flexibility in the person dept might ease things

I was lucky with my Domme Miss Cillie Goos, I got it all



PeonForHer -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 6:59:35 AM)

I feel myself to be moving more towards 'person' rather than 'dynamic' as time goes on.  (Hell, I never even liked the word 'dynamic' anyway.)



NuevaVida -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 7:20:25 AM)

In my case, I wasn't looking at all.

However, in his case, he wanted a person who would fit comfortably into his life.  Someone who would fit comfortably in his life is someone who wanted the same relationship dynamic he did.  So he came here (dynamic) to look for "me" (person).  Hence (love that word), he looked for both, together.

I have encountered dominant men who have an ideal M/s or D/s relationship in their heads, and who query submissive women's profiles in order to to fill that gap.  Any submissive who responds will do, as long as he can turn her into what he wants.  While that worked with me in the past, it would not work with me now.  I need to be who I am, not what someone else wants me to be.



catize -> RE: Looking for a dynamic or a person? (1/25/2011 7:47:10 AM)

quote:

However, in his case, he wanted a person who would fit comfortably into his life. Someone who would fit comfortably in his life is someone who wanted the same relationship dynamic he did. So he came here (dynamic) to look for "me" (person). Hence (love that word), he looked for both, together.


^^^^What she said!^^^



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