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new to this - 1/26/2011 10:15:03 PM

angelfire83

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/25/2011
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hey all i am new to this whole lifestyle. i am in an amazing commited relationship with a great guy who i have known for 9 years. we dated some when we first met before he was into te lifestyle. we split because of the timing just being off. sence then our timing has not been great we have stayed in touch the entire time. he has sence gotten into the lfestyle and is ow training me. i realize that i do have some sub tendancies. i like to take care of the person i love. i am posting this so that people can help me find ways to get comfortable with the termanology like master or sir. i also just want to learn from other subs about how they find ways to get past some mental barriers that are there just because it is all stuf i am not used to or have never experenced before. i am curious how you can fiure out your lmits like right now most things scaree in a way because it is all so new and i can be very shy and reserved and i have been hurt in many viallla relationships so i ae walls and e is dong a good job at helping me break down my walls in healthy safe ways so i was just looking to meet other subs who i can talk to and turn to for advice as i grow and learn in this lifestyle

any thing you think i should know or any advie or just any questions you hae that might help me grow to be a better sub for my domm would be appriciated

Angel

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RE: new to this - 1/27/2011 1:28:39 AM

XenoMaster

Posts: 40
Joined: 1/24/2011
Status: offline

Okay, the first thing you need to decide is if this kind of relationship is what you want. You seem really hesitant. Having sub tendencies doesn't mean you have to go into a BDSM relationship where he sets all the rules and all the boundaries.

If you feel that you want it and are trying to get over insecurities then you need to start working on yourself. First, you need to trust him. That is something that you need to work out for yourself.

To get over the insecurities and the barriers you've put up you need to fixate on him, not you. When asked to do something that makes you uncomfortable focus on his pleasure and trying to please him. When you are called upon to call him 'Sir' or 'Master' fixate on how happy it will make him, not anything you're worried about.

It's also okay to be scared at first. If you weren't nervous about it, I'd be more worried. Communicate your fears to him. These conversations should be enlightening and sweet. If you feel ignored in them or he tries to hide behind a facade of macho pride to avoid communicating with you, don't pursue adding this to your relationship.

If he is a skilled dom or at least one that is trying to pursue the relationship, he will help you work through your fears. Find your limits and the lifestyle you both want whether that means you sleep in a cage and obey his will 24/7 or you just add some rope and spanking as spice to your relationship during playtime or anything in between.

(in reply to angelfire83)

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RE: new to this - 1/27/2011 3:11:10 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You are as much a part of the relationship as he is. Which means that you get to set your own comfort levels and he doesn't get to break them.

Tell him to slow down. Google BDSM checklists and the two of you fill them out separately. Start with the stuff you both are into. This will make it enjoyable for you and make it easier for you to continue.

If you think calling him sir or master in front of your friends and family is wrong, then tell him that. If he wants to enact every sexual fantasy he's ever had with you and all this week, tell him no way. Go slowly, take time to think about an idea he's brought up, ask questions both from him and here. Research it to see if you think it's safe or not. He may get off choking you into unconsciousness, which doesn't mean you have to learn to enjoy it. You are allowed to say no.

Remember, you can always turn a no into a yes, but you can't undo a bad experience.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to XenoMaster)

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RE: new to this - 1/27/2011 9:28:48 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

hey all i am new to this whole lifestyle. i am in an amazing commited relationship with a great guy who i have known for 9 years.
Wonderful. You're already 2 dozen steps ahead right out of the gate.

i am posting this so that people can help me find ways to get comfortable with the termanology like master or sir.
Like anything else you just do it. New things frequently make us uncomfortable. I'm forced to remember when I first had to put on a suit to go to work. Man, did I ever feel foolish wearing clothes that were more appropriate to my father. But hey... I got used to it. Pretty soon they became MY clothes. If it helps you any, I felt weird hearing Carol refer to me as "master" early on.

I also just want to learn from other subs about how they find ways to get past some mental barriers that are there just because it is all stuf i am not used to or have never experenced before.
Trust. You and your partner build your trust slowly and carefully... approaching new things one at a time. In my mind, BDSM is one of those things that's always creepy in theory. EVERYTHING could go horribly wrong in theory.

i am curious how you can fiure out your lmits like right now most things scaree in a way because it is all so new and i can be very shy and reserved
You have an amazing partner that you've known for 9 years, right? So you and he explore together... as a loving team... hand in hand... nothing to fear at all.

any thing you think i should know or any advie or just any questions you hae that might help me grow to be a better sub for my domm would be appriciated
There's no secret sauce recipe. You become a good sub the same way that you become a good partner of any sort -- you care more about your partner than you do yourself -- you are more focused on what you can give into the relationship than what you can take from it. Other than that, do as your told and communicate regularly, clearly, and honestly.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to angelfire83)

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RE: new to this - 1/27/2011 8:02:25 PM

angelfire83

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/25/2011
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thank you all!

everything you have said is making things more clear.

thanks for all your advice and thank you for not critcizing i appriciate everything.

(in reply to leadership527)

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RE: new to this - 1/27/2011 8:17:15 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

/Walks in/
/Criticizes angelfire83/
/Walks out/

Huh? What?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: new to this - 1/28/2011 4:11:04 PM

Chulain

Posts: 283
Joined: 1/27/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelfire83
thanks for all your advice and thank you for not critcizing i appriciate everything.

And don't get bogged down in what others tell you about the way it's "supposed" to be. I mention that in response to your comment about "master or sir." I mean, really, that kind of stuff is up to you, because the submissive has final veto power in any scene or relationship regarding what does or does not happen. Let's say, for example, that you have some severe hang-up about calling someone "master" or "sir." There's no Giant Rulebook of D/s which states "Any submissive must refer to his or her male dominant as 'Master' or 'Sir'."

(in reply to angelfire83)

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