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RE: Defiant sub - 2/4/2011 8:52:53 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

good thing she doesnt live in the UK then. here doctors give you ten minutes, a bottle of pills and show you the door with the dubious advice that rest and less stress will help.

here in the UK we just own our shit and get on with it - we dont have a choice really, lol.

funnily enough we are going to a friends house for dinner tonight and she is a consultant psychiatrist. She tells us that doctors are referring more and more people to psychiatrists but openly admits that she is probably more insane than most of her patients!

We do have plenty of private therapists and I think that's a much better option than trying to fish for a mental illness when your just a bit down about something.

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Post #: 21

RE: Defiant sub - 2/4/2011 2:34:07 PM

DesFIP

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I'm also wondering if she doesn't become defiant when things go bad because she's expecting him to cut and run again. After all, he did that when she had problems last year so why wouldn't she believe he's going to do it again? I would.

And I would also put up a wall to protect myself from being hurt again. Anger's pretty common to use as a defense mechanism when you're afraid.

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Post #: 22

RE: Defiant sub - 2/5/2011 12:10:20 AM

subsfaith

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quote:

ORIGINAL: matttrick

She likes when I take charge. She likes to be dominated. However, she is very defiant. If I don't overpower her mentally, she tries to take charge. I get flustered.

She has told me I need to be more assertive, but when I am it is met with resistance and it confuses me. How would you deal with this?

This isn't about her being defiant, this is about her controlling the situation and you.

She has told you to be more assertive? Hang on... she is telling you what to do and you are the dominant - how does that work then?

It is all games.... perhaps you could point this out to her. Perhaps you could ask her why she takes control. There are lots of things you could do.

But to answer your question, in our house if I try and take control I might get punished, but it is more likely I will get ignored and he will do as he damn well pleases.

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Post #: 23

RE: Defiant sub - 2/6/2011 4:36:03 PM

GrinnerMcWolfe

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There are several good points that others have made in regards to this, though I do feel like adding to them. Remember, these are just suggestions, take them as you will.

First and foremost, as several people have said, you need to sit down and talk to her. Not only about your relationship with her, but about anything else going on in her life that might be affecting her. Job, family, personal issues, stress levels, all of those can have an adverse affect on any kind of relationship, and more so on a D/s relationship. It doesn't need to be done all at once, as that will be incredibly stressful for her, but it does need to be done. Take it at your own pace. Offer to be a sounding board, or offer advice, but do not solve her problems for her. Offer to assist if she asks, and nothing more. They're her problems, she needs to solve them herself.

Secondly: You need to discuss with her your desires in the relationship. Based off personal experience, even if someone claims to be a submissive, it doesn't mean they actually are, or are even really willing to become one. Actual, honest to goodness submissives are more then perfectly happy to discuss their relationship expectations and desires, as well as ways for a Dom/Domme to effectively gain their submission. Really sit down and talk with her about it. As others have said, if it turns out that she really isn't into the D/s relationship, then abandon it, but don't abandon your relationship with her. You're going to have to shift your dynamic a bit, but if she's what you're looking for in a partner, and you care for her, then stay with her. Perhaps in the future you two can try a D/s relationship again.

However, if things don't look like they're going to work out between the two of you, even after sitting down and talking with her, then the best piece of advice I can offer is to move on. If the relationship doesn't feel like it's going to work, even after you've taken steps to try and ensure it will, harsh as it might sound, it'll be better for the both of you if you just cut your losses and moved on with your life. You will find someone else out there that will click with you, and when that occurs, you'll find the D/s aspect of your relationship most enjoyable. But, and this is key, don't go into every relationship with the mindset of turning it into a D/s relation. There are plenty of people out there that are dumber then a truck of bricks and would view your tastes as sick, twisted, and dirty.

Regardless of what you chose to do, you need to make the choices that feel right for you, and your partner. In the end, everything will work out, one way or another.

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Post #: 24

RE: Defiant sub - 2/6/2011 5:09:59 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: matttrick
She has told me I need to be more assertive, but when I am it is met with resistance and it confuses me. How would you deal with this?

I would tell her to grow the fuck up. And no, I am not kidding. Then I'd be asking myself whether I wanted a submissive or a dominant wearing my collar.

Honestly, this is some sort of weird game. You're confused for a reason.

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Post #: 25

RE: Defiant sub - 2/6/2011 6:44:05 PM

SourandSweet

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quote:

Offer to be a sounding board, or offer advice, but do not solve her problems for her. Offer to assist if she asks, and nothing more. They're her problems, she needs to solve them herself.

Just curious here - if your sub had some sort of problem that you could solve for her, why wouldn't you? I'm sure you have your reasons, but I can't see any situation where if I had a problem that my dom could solve and I couldn't where he wouldn't do so.

:-)

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Post #: 26

RE: Defiant sub - 2/7/2011 1:20:55 AM

GrinnerMcWolfe

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SourandSweet

quote:

Offer to be a sounding board, or offer advice, but do not solve her problems for her. Offer to assist if she asks, and nothing more. They're her problems, she needs to solve them herself.

Just curious here - if your sub had some sort of problem that you could solve for her, why wouldn't you? I'm sure you have your reasons, but I can't see any situation where if I had a problem that my dom could solve and I couldn't where he wouldn't do so.

:-)

If it was simple problems that I can solve, or at least assist with, of course I'd help my sub by either taking care of it for her, or offering to help her with a solution. However, based upon the limited information that was given, it sounds like more deep rooted personal issues that need to be addressed, and those sorts of problems aren't something that someone else can just take care of.

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Post #: 27

RE: Defiant sub - 2/7/2011 4:47:20 AM

lally2

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...... besides, from what i can make out, theyre working from a first base platform where she isnt exactly cooperating within the, presumably, agreed relationship status of Ds.

a submissive goes to her Dominant or Master with a problem because it is expected for her or him to do so. that expectation is based on the fact that the sub is wired to do so and the Dominant is wired to sort the problem out, one way or the other.

if you have someone who is questionably submissive and not, apparently, accepting the direction and leadership of her Dominant the expectation of help sought for and given becomes faintly erroneous. if she does not respond appropriately to his guidance and leadership then his offer of help is likely to be rebuffed also.

... but as a friend offering support and help it may work.

for now at least id say theyre version of Ds isnt working for them.

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Post #: 28

RE: Defiant sub - 2/11/2011 5:40:20 PM

Dnomyar

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Poster listen to OsideGirl. lally2 if you knocked the snot out of her here you could land up in jail.

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Post #: 29