Low Libido

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Sunnyfey -> Low Libido (2/4/2011 2:34:13 AM)
Well kind of. I just haven't been feeling up to sex lately. Sure, using a vibe before bed to get some easier sleep is fine. But actually having sex with the boyfriend? It's like.....I don't want to bother. And he's mentioning or asking for sex like every other day, and it's causing fights. I'm not really sure what to do right now. It's not him, he is not bad in bed, he's actually very GOOD in bed. I just don't feel like putting out the effort to deal with sex before bed, and during the day is not on my list of wants. I'm irritated by my lack of sex drive, but I'm also irritated that he is almost constantly right behind me. Like, wants to cuddle all the time, every time I turn around he wants a kiss or to hug me or something.....I know horrible problem right? I need space, and I do get alone time when I can. I seriously thought (only thought) of head butting him today because I couldn't stand his whining and pouting. (because I wasn't giving him any and didn't want to cuddle or not really have much human contact today.) And I was sick of hearing the "sigh geeze baby I just want to cuddle, sigh geeze baby I just wanted a hug." "geeze I just wanted ....." UHG!!!! What should I do?

hlen5 -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 2:43:21 AM)
What do you think is behind your lack of libido? Are you under a lot of stress? Are you feeling OK physically? That might be the first thing you want to think about. Secondly, when I'm continually pressured to do something (anything) I really don't want to do, it makes me want to dig in my heels that much more. Do you feel the same way?

Sunnyfey -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 2:48:43 AM)
Work has been pretty stressful lately. We've lost 3 waitresses and I'm doing double duty on shifts, especially with the snow storm..... Yeah I'm stressed, though I don't think its that. Generally when stressed, I need sex more. The constant badgering is definitely annoying, but this has been going on for about 2 months now. For a little bit...a week or two after a big fight, he stopped asking me for sex. Now he's throwing that in my face when we talk about it. Which just compounds the problem even more. His problem is me not "initiating sex enough". And my problem is he never shuts up ABOUT sex or something along those lines.

hlen5 -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 3:03:34 AM)
I got this tip from "Can This marriage Be Saved?". Take turns initiating sex. Once he's asked you and you've said no, he waits for you to initiate. If you ask him and he says no, then you wait til he asks you. I realize that doesn't do anything for your general lack of interest. Can you think of anything that was going on when you first felt that way?

IronBear -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 3:36:14 AM)
Next time he slides up behind you, whip around and knee him as hard as you can in the balls. Follow through with a solid boot in the painful testes and even stomp on them. As he doubles up give him the infamous Liverpool Kiss. Smile sweetly and tell him to go fuck a sheep or you'll buy him a blow up one. Might be a good move to relocate to distant pastures.

hlen5 -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 3:37:38 AM)
What's a Liverpool kiss? ETA: Nevermind, I googled it.

IronBear -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 3:44:09 AM)
The "Liverpool Kiss" is a head butt smashing the opponents nose or forehead splitting it open.

DesFIP -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 6:28:08 AM)
Welcome to winter. Sounds like you're dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder. Take one Vitamin D III pill daily in the morning and see if this doesn't help after a week or so. Better would be to go to Florida for a week.

DarkSteven -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 7:04:52 AM)
Sunny, there are two problems. 1. Your lack of libido. 2. His insistence. I recommend that you get a full physical. Admittedly, you have kids, a relationship, and a draining job, but there still might be something wrong. If nothing shows up wrong, time for a chat. I suspect your refusal to have sex is frustrating him, which he is acting out inappropriately. Vicious circle. Be willing to give more than you'd like, and he has to be willing to as well. Also... if you're so tired and he's not, he may need to shoulder more of the things that are tiring you out.

SexyBossyBBW -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 8:00:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear Next time he slides up behind you, whip around and knee him as hard as you can in the balls. Follow through with a solid boot in the painful testes and even stomp on them. As he doubles up give him the infamous Liverpool Kiss. Smile sweetly and tell him to go fuck a sheep or you'll buy him a blow up one. Might be a good move to relocate to distant pastures. Nice joke. Ha ha quote: Sunnyfey I just haven't been feeling up to sex lately. Sure, using a vibe before bed to get some easier sleep is fine. But actually having sex with the boyfriend? It's like.....I don't want to bother. And he's mentioning or asking for sex like every other day, and it's causing fights. I'm not really sure what to do right now. It's not him, he is not bad in bed, he's actually very GOOD in bed. I agree with posters who say look within: did something happen around the time you lost your interest? Is he working hard, and helping you at home with that work and those stressors? Maybe you're having a little SAD, and after checking in with your doctor, a simple extra vitamin might be helpful. Ask your boyfriend to be patient, take care of himself, help support you emotionally, and see what happens. For myself, the only time my libido has been gone, it had to do with an unhelpful mate, for whom I eventually lost all respect, and divorced him. M

CreativeDominant -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 8:07:35 AM)
I think Dark has given you good advice... It's been stated on here that one major reason for the split between My ex-wife and I was due to the lack of a sex life. That started in much the same way as you describe. When I finally convinced her (remember, I was living with someone who did NOT want to be told what to do, even if it was the right thing) to go to the doctor...she was found to be suffering from a combination of an anxiety disorder and depression. As an aside, the M. D. suspected that the depression was due in part to the birth of our second child which IS about the time this all started. He started her on a a combination of meds. Unfortunately, the meds used to treat depression often result in a worse loss of libido. Knowing that was part of her/our problem, he strove to find a combination that would not do that and actually succeeded. When even that did not seem to work, I moved on to the next step...as suggested by Dear Abby. I suggested counseling. She would not hear of it. I went by myself and began to realize some things about myself and her. When she continued to refuse and the sex became almost non-existent, I left. This is where I am going to sound harsh. If you are in a relationship with someone, sex IS a very important part of the relationship. A lot of people seem to deny this and yet, without that physical touch...that intimate touch that happens with your romantic partner and no one else (and yes, that DOES include cuddling...NOT just sex), what have you two become, essentially? Friends...and worse yet, friends who are at odds with each other because only one of you REALLY holds the key to opening the door to setting things right. Men seem to need it for a physical connection to their partner, though the emotions touched within men by sex with their partner DO come into play. Women seem to need it for an emotional connection to their partner, although their physical needs are also satisfied. In denying your partner, you are also denying that connection for both of you.

Sunnyfey -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 8:18:24 AM)
I appreciate the opinions everyone. The only thing that happened around the same time was, I moved in with him because my ex-roomate asked me to leave 28 days before I was ready to move and I lost all the money I had saved for my own place. And it's not like I dont sleep with him. It's only been like 4 days since the last time we were together.

RapierFugue -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 8:23:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey I seriously thought (only thought) of head butting him today because I couldn't stand his whining and pouting. (because I wasn't giving him any and didn't want to cuddle or not really have much human contact today.) And I was sick of hearing the "sigh geeze baby I just want to cuddle, sigh geeze baby I just wanted a hug." "geeze I just wanted ....." UHG!!!! What should I do? Ditch the whiny little prick? :)

SexyBossyBBW -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 8:47:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey The only thing that happened around the same time was, I moved in with him because my ex-roomate asked me to leave 28 days before I was ready to move and I lost all the money I had saved for my own place. Financial worries can affect one's feeling of well-being. Are you feeling okay living with him? At least long enough to save some money, that if you want to leave, you will be able to? Did you not want to move in the first place, because the relationship wasn't where you wanted it to be, in order to advance the commitment to that level? quote: And it's not like I dont sleep with him. It's only been like 4 days since the last time we were together. Good, but it sounds like you did it to shut him up, not because you desired him? quote: CreativeDominant If you are in a relationship with someone, sex IS a very important part of the relationship. A lot of people seem to deny this and yet, without that physical touch...that intimate touch that happens with your romantic partner and no one else (and yes, that DOES include cuddling...NOT just sex), what have you two become, essentially? Friends...and worse yet, friends who are at odds with each other because only one of you REALLY holds the key to opening the door to setting things right. Men seem to need it for a physical connection to their partner, though the emotions touched within men by sex with their partner DO come into play. Women seem to need it for an emotional connection to their partner, although their physical needs are also satisfied. In denying your partner, you are also denying that connection for both of you. Now that I'm older, sex is not huge to me, in terms of frequency, but I still like the emotional connection that results from sexual intimacy. So I do agree with CreativeDominant, regarding the importance of this connection, and the meaning of witholding by one partner, frustrating the other. I'm not suggesting any woman (or man), allow her body used sexually, if she doesn't desire it, because that would probably leave a gross feeling, and cause resentment. I am suggesting, that intimacy is important, and when that disappears, there is a good chance, a relationship is going to begin/continue to unravel. M

Sunnyfey -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 8:52:24 AM)
No, the last time we were together it was by my doing. It's just that he threw it in my face during the fight we had last night, that really hurt my feelings.

IrishMist -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 8:52:58 AM)
quote: What should I do? First, I would try and find out if there was a legitimate medical reason for the way that you are feeling. Go to a doctor, tell the doctor what the problem is, get a complete physical, and go from there. Second, I would sit down with my partner and instead of pushing him away, I would tell him EXACTLY how I was feeling about not only the sex, but him also. It may come as a surprise, but men are actually quite sensitive to their women about things such as this. They want to know what the problem is; but more than that, they want to know what they can do to HELP you THROUGH this. From the sounds of what you posted here, you are not even giving him that chance. All he is getting is no sex, no intimacy...nothing of an emotional nature from you at all except for 'get away from me'. In his shoes, I would be feeling pretty frustrated and desperate too.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 8:59:20 AM)
The winter season can be difficult for people. Some people get special lamps that emit light similar to sunlight in order to balance themselves out -- it's actually really common and can have a lot of impact on sex-drive. The financial worries, and being booted from a place before you were ready to -- that can challenge security and make you worry about everything. it's hard to believe it's worthwhile taking time out to do something "frivolous" like having sex, when you have so many other things on your plate, and you're concerned about those. being worried, distracted, frustrated, sad, etc. can all make it very hard to focus on anything deemed "less important." And his constant insistence and pouting is probably making you resentful -- when you resent someone, having sex with them is like the LAST thing on the list. You can come to a point where you lose respect for someone when you see them acting childishly (like pouting) or when you feel they don't care about you, your feelings, or what you're saying (constant insistence comes across as "didn't hear you the 500 other times you gave me this answer, so i'm asking again =p), and when you don't respect someone or feel they don't care about you, OR that they only care about you when they want something, i.e. sex, it's very hard to want to give it to them, on top of everything else you've got going on. try relaying this stuff to him, because it's unlikely that he understands. for a lot of men, sex is how they show that they care about you and love you. so he may take your rejection of sex as rejection of HIM and his feelings, which is why he gets so pouty. have a talk with him about your concerns and feelings -- if he listens to you, that can go a long way towards repairing resentments you may have brewing. and then yeah -- i'm a person with a HIGH sex drive. it seems to always be a little bit higher than anyone i'm with, and it's FRUSTRATING. having a higher sex drive than your partner can be just as frustrating because sexual desire can fuddle up your mind and make it hard to focus on other things. it's a little easier for me as a sub, because i don't feel like i need to insist on it. i find subtle ways to make my desires known and if the partner is into it, then we go for it, and if not, i figure "well he does have the power after all, it's his decision." that's often how i rationalize it to myself but it's STIIIILLLL frustrating! haha when you're in that situation, you can start to feel like something is wrong with you -- if you want sex all the time and the other person doesn't, does that mean you're a sex addict? is there something wrong with you? do you have a problem? lots of thoughts that can be destructive to your self-esteem. so you both really need to just have a chat about all of this; hopefully you can work things out.

LadyPact -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 9:16:06 AM)
First, I just wanted to say that it's nice to see you posting, OP. There is a lot of good advice on this thread. I don't think it's difficult for folks to imagine that some of your stress factors were a contributor, including the season, which basically started a cycle. I'm the first person to say that if I start feeling pressured, it's not going to go well. For Me, it actually compounds the problem. I hope very much that you'll listen to what some folks have said regarding SAD, your vitamin intake, and how much UV light you are getting. It's already been a long winter in some places (hope you didn't mind Me taking a peek for your location) and that might really be a part of this. The stress of the sudden change of plans on your move is already said and done. What are some solutions to not feeling pressured? Have you two thought of setting up some romance time where sex isn't the end goal? It might do some good. One other thing. I tend to think this is going to be a temporary problem, so don't put as much stress on yourself. More stress most likely won't help. Hopefully, talking it out here will be.

RCdc -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 10:23:18 AM)
Maybe it's just a compatability thing? I would suggest that from your post, it's not a case of having a medical issue (other than maybe stress) because you stated that vibing is fine, but you don't want to do the hard work. If he's highly sexed and your not... and if he is highly affectionate and you aren't, then that's an issue you will either have to both compromise on - so make time to talk to him about this - or end the relationship. It also sounds like you are feeling 'forced'... into a relationship your not overly happy with. What I mean by that is that you had to move in with him, not just because that was what you and he wanted, but because you had to(again a stresser). There is far more to this than just the libido IMO.

RapierFugue -> RE: Low Libido (2/4/2011 10:25:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RCdc It also sounds like you are feeling 'forced'... into a relationship your not overly happy with. What I mean by that is that you had to move in with him, not just because that was what you and he wanted, but because you had to(again a stresser). There is far more to this than just the libido IMO. You are The Wise Woman! 2 things must ye know about The Wise Woman ...

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