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Transitioning - 2/6/2011 6:10:43 PM   
HisEvelyn


Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline 		Hello all! I'm exceptionally excited right now. Reason being that after a year of a cross-country LDR (him in Utah and me in Connecticut), Master is coming to spend a couple of months with me. He's coming to stay with me for a couple of months to check out the job market here and also to test-drive us living together, intending to make it a more permanent arrangement if it goes well and he is able to find work in the area that can support us.

So this leaves me with a question, as I prepare for his arrival, both emotionally and with copious amounts of housecleaning. Master and I have always had a 24/7 M/s dynamic to our relationship, even long-distance. We flowed into it very naturally, and I always defer to him and obey him.

However, I also understand that 24/7 over long-distance and 24/7 in real life is quite different. We've had multiple 4-5 day visits together over the year we were together LDR, and during those visits we were always 'on', even if it was simply snuggling together and watching Tv while enjoying pizza. But I always was ready to obey when he decided to exert authority, no matter what.

So anyway! My question is... while I have lived with significant others before and know generally how day-to-day living with a person goes, I've never before actually been in a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic in a live-in situation. I'm well aware of the general idea of it, that it isn't a stream of constant scening and that much of it is mundane and just like vanilla life. And also that much is about catering to his needs specifically, rather than general 'slave things'.

But I'm curious to hear about the not-so-obvious things about living with a Master as his slave that I might not know about. The little nuances that someone who's only lived with others in a vanilla sense might not even consider, going into this for the first time. Little snippets of experience or advice that could be given to help me slip into this new phase of my life more smoothly.

Thanks in advance for any little nuggets of wisdom people care to impart!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 6:16:16 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		have you talked to him about what his expectations are?
some Ms have their slaves get up earlier and fix them coffee/breakfast before waking them, while others let the slaves sleep in.
some have lists of chores to be done before leaving the house, while others are more lax.
if you talk to him about his expectations it will give you a more concrete heads-up than any of us could give you.

the only thing i could really say is that you have to be more mindful and accountable. you may have to change the way you've gotten used to doing something because it better suits his preferences, OR he may not even care HOW you do it, just that it gets done.

(in reply to HisEvelyn)
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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 6:26:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		What I can tell you is that for us, all d/s stopped entirely when he moved, until he had acclimated to here. He got a job transfer but still needed to find places to get lunch, make friends among coworkers, find the best route to get to work, integrate his stuff and mine in the house, and not least - find a coffee shop that remembered him as a regular, would see him walk in and get his coffee ready just the way he liked it. For some reason, that last one took forever and until it was accomplished, his day just never settled into a good routine.

This was quite the surprise to both of us as we had assumed it would be the other way around. It probably took six months before things began to include more control.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 6:36:02 PM   
HisEvelyn


Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for the replies so far. We are definitely having discussions about his expectations and such. Last night we had a long discussion about punishment, actually, as now that we will be living together, it's much more likely there will be mistakes made and he'll need to correct me on certain things. We're also talking a lot about how we tend to operate on a day-to-day basis, and setting up understandings about some things (ie, I'm a student, so when I'm working on schoolwork, I am exempt from having to jump when he calls).

I'm not really expecting the M/s angle to disappear entirely when he arrives. Though that's definitely something to think about, and I'm glad you mentioned it, DesFIP! He's intending to take a week or two to acclimate before starting serious job searching, so we can have time together and get used to being with one another. As we haven't seen each other in about five months, I'm expecting some serious kink during that week or two, lol! Though, perhaps the more structured part of our dynamic won't kick in until we settle a bit. Something I hadn't considered, thank you.

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 6:40:50 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I would toss out the idea that you've had a 24/7 relationship that involved the two of you in different states (which is not the same as if you were living together and then had to be separated for the military or something like that).  You have not had a 24/7 relationship.  You have had a long-distance relationship.  Visits of 4 to 5 days are more like vacations than real life (my husband and I did this for months before we got married; we started with him in NY and me in CA).

To illustrate this, you said you both were always "on" when you were on these mini-vacays.  On?  Is it a role or is it who you are?  You have a power-exchange relationship or you don't.  How you relate to each other can ebb and flow with the circumstances, as Des mentioned. 

So, having said that, be yourself, take your cues from him, and communicate.  He does want you for you, right?  And not a role that you play?

Cali



_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 6:41:26 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Evelyn

Firstly congrats and I really hope this works out brilliantly for you both! I think you are going about it the right way by having this extended visit to see how well it works. Master and i (going to be writing the rest of this as my sub side, violet) only managed a 3 week longest visit ... and here we are, 6.5 years later after becoming 24/7! i'm going to say what i found the most challenging about transitioning to 24/7 ... may or may not be the same for you!

1. you already seem to have a handle on it, but after the first couple of weeks/months ... the obvious bdsm parts will ease back a bit! After a few years, it may ease back a whole lot! (Of course, you may not be in a caravan with a dog who freaks out at the sound of light spanking!) However, if the M/s is strong, that is ALWAYS there. Same with sex too ... for the first 6 months, it was night and morning! Then the next 6 months ... just mornings ... now ... well, let's say it's enough of an event to get mentioned in my journal But that's not to say the love and relationship is in peril, just moved to a different phase. There were also a few things we thought we would ALWAYS do that we decided were really not practical as well, but also some rituals that have stayed which we thought might have been temporary! So ... keep an open mind and work these things out together.

2. i found not being able to accept invitations to outside things without first checking with Master a psychological barrier at first. It was something i really had to think through and decide whether it was right for me as an intelligent and capable woman. i decided it was ... He has never used that power in a bad way against me ... and now it's second nature to say "Not sure, i will check and get back to you" ... people think i'm checking my diary/calendar

3. Sometimes it's hard to choose between just eating what He wants to eat ... or going to the trouble to make 2 meals! Master has never insisted i eat what He does ... but it's easier to do so, unless i really want something different enough to make it. There are times i get caught on the cusp LOL!

4. There are times when i'm just not in the mood ... not so bad now i seem to be through the menopause YAY ... but there were earlier occasions when i just couldn't get up any enthusiasm for doing what i should, being obedient etc. Luckily Master is human first, and a man who knows women, and He can read me like a book ... so He knows there are times to push it ... and times not to! There are things that He has generally given way on simply because, as He says, you are a woman first and foremost, and there are some things us guys shouldn't meddle with! (Such as my kitchen ... my domain!). He's also possibly too patient with my workaholic tendencies ... i get stuck into my academic work and He can say something about dinner ... i say i will finish this soon ... and an hour slides by! So it will be how you both handle these little everyday things that will take some working out ... there needs to be a way of doing things that doesn't cause resentment on either side. i KNOW i have to stop working when He appears at my study door, frypan in hand, saying "Should I start dinner?" (and of course, He knows that will galvanise me out of my chair LOL!). However, during the day i love it when He appears at my door with a sandwich on a plate and a drink for me ... He is awesome!

5. For me, probably the most difficult area of submission was to let Him be in charge of our musical work, as i had led every other musical group i've ever been part of! But it worked so well once i did! Obviously that may not specifically apply to you, but there may be some aspect of your life in which you've always been a leader ... it can be a challenge to then become a follower.

i will also just say a few words about your Master being the One to move, as mine was. It is a real challenge for Him ... to be cut off from His familiar place, people, family and friends, and move somewhere different. my Master had to get used to the sun coming up over the land and setting in the sea LOL! And the different skies (hardly any clouds in the west, lots more on the east coast), and weather ... it was quite an adjustment for Him. Meeting lots of people that i knew, both in bdsm and out of it ... i got into the habit of priming Him up with background on them as we were driving there so He wasn't totally at sea. It can be difficult for Him to feel confident with the mantle of leadership when He is also feeling like a new chum, so you need to be aware of that. In my Master's case, He was also coming in as Head of Household in a house He didn't own (as I was married to hub-trying-to-be-sub at the time) so it was extra difficult. i would recommend making sure Master has His own private space somewhere in the home or shed ... somewhere He can have His stuff and do His own thing from time to time! My Master is into racing remote controlled cars, so He got a curtained-off area in the very large shed which was HIS to leave the bits lying around with no worry of someone touching them or losing bits. i think that's important, for whatever your Master is into. Even here in the van, Master runs the "shed" ie the downstairs storage area ... i don't go near it, that's His!

Hope this helps!
violet[A] aka Maam Jay!



_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 6:43:56 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn

Last night we had a long discussion about punishment, actually, as now that we will be living together, it's much more likely there will be mistakes made and he'll need to correct me on certain things.



Correction is not the same as punishment.  Why would you get punished for making a mistake?

Cali



_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 6:54:04 PM   
HisEvelyn


Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline 		Again, thanks for the responses. To clarify, Califchick, we had a discussion on punishment because of the fact that I've never had to be punished before. Making a mistake does not warrant punishment. And because an LDR is such a different arrangement than living together, we wanted to cover all the bases. Living together and being human, there's more of a chance I might do something really wrong, not just because I'm making an honest mistake, but because I have a bad day and turn into a disrespectful bitch for a short time. People fuck up. So therefore, so both of us are aware of how the other reacts in that sort of situation, we discussed our views on punishment and what it might entail. We communicate on everything, and always like to know generally where the other is coming from on a situation, even if it's a situation that hasn't yet affected us.

MaamJay, I don't even know where to start on your post. So much to think about, thank you so much! I will definitely keep in mind how much of a change it will be for Master to come to a new part of the country. It's one of those things that I know consciously about, but can't truly comprehend his experience with it because it's never happened to me. He will have his own bedroom, even though we will often share a bed together, so he will definitely have his own space. I made sure of that, because Master can be pretty solitary at times, and needs his space.

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 7:04:28 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Good to hear about the bedroom, definitely a wise move ... there were certainly aspects of the move that i had not realised would impact on Him ... yet when i later moved to Qld with Him, i too found the whole sun thing hard to get used to LOL! Another thing Master just chimed in with was finding things in a new city. Not so much the big obvious things, but the little things ... like the best shop to go to for odd nuts and bolts ... or to find interesting gifts ... that sort of thing. He was rather sad as He just felt He'd got the hang of Perth (after 3 years) and we moved! There are lots of things that can add to the feeling of displacement. But the good news is ... it's survivable!

Good luck again
violet[A] aka Maam Jay

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 7:46:08 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I've never lived with the Most Dreaded Person but he's here often enough for it to impact, He's owned my arse for more than a few years and the kids have thier own name for him.

What's different? Well, he can insist I do anything and everything. I don't think there's a great deal of difference between vanilla and M/s apart from that.

There's little *catering to his needs* as A) he doesn't require that B) if he did , he'd tell me C)I'm not quite built that way anyway.

I have to be honest here, you're going to end up living with a bloke. He's not going to resemble mine in any way , and anything I say, seriously, isn't going to be of any practical  help. The things I'm expected to do aren't going to resemble anything you'll be likely to.

You may well NOT have to hose your arse out to be fucked as and when. You may well not have to ensure it's clean and greased at a moment's notice.

You may NOT have to be prepared to be fucked anytime, anywhere..even if you look like crap, your hair is greasy and your make-up is fucked.

You may well NOT expect to have to, consistantly, over years, be fucked as and when, at any time and in any place.(yes, I know it sounds hot; it isn't always)

On the downside, you may have to make drinks when you'd rather not and have sex when you'd rather rest.
You may end up with a wildly exciting person that dominates your life; Well, that's how it is here. He infuriates, annoys, frustrates and pisses me off but BORING he ain't.

Do you REALLY know how much is all about him? Half my life is spent doing things that SEEM all about him, but we both know it's all about us. I'm actually FAR more catered to, than he is, because he is free to do that.

The not-so obvious thing about living with a Master is................He's going to do it HIS way.  You'd think that'd be obvious , but it really isn't.  Don't hang on to it being your way.  The Happy-Dance occurs when it's *OUR* way.

Easy to say , NOT easy to achieve. I hope my kids are all truly depressed now and stay celibate and attached to Mama.......Oh, the only one that isn't *attached* is about to fly off and do stuff in Czecheslovakia. Blinking Hell, what's a mother to do?

It all boils down to what you want and being honest about it. There's FAR too much crap written about being owned when it basically boils down to * Can you*, will you and do you?*

agirl











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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 8:35:02 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		as he is moving to you it will be hard to relax and just be with him, most of the little things will sort themselves out as you go along so enjoy and i hope many glad days to come

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LadyPact

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 8:52:03 PM   
HisEvelyn


Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline 		More excellent replies! Thanks so much for the good wishes, Clip. I'll do my best to stay relaxed, but it's hard when I'm so excited!

And agirl, thanks for your reply as well. I know a lot of it will come down to what works for us, but I also know there's sometimes little universal truths I may not know about when it comes to living with a Master as opposed to an equal partner.

For the record, though, yes I am expected to be willing and accessible for fucking whenever he wishes it of me. This is one of my duties to him. I don't expect it will always be fun, lol (especially if I'm really not in the mood). It was always fun during our visits, and I never once turned him down. Didn't even think about it. It'll be harder to be so obedient on a day-to-day basis, but we both enjoy him having control over this aspect of our lives. I really prefer not having a say over when I have to spread my legs. Maybe I'll change my mind on that after having such responsibility and lack of control over the long-term, but it doesn't change that this is a service to him I am willing to provide.

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 9:41:53 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn
Little snippets of experience or advice that could be given to help me slip into this new phase of my life more smoothly.

It won't go smoothly.
It won't be pretty.
It won't be a twisted fairy tale.

Both of you are going to need to pull on your big girl or boy pants as appropriate and step up or step back. He'll need to have a lot more patience than he ever thought... and a lot more wisdom... and a lot more discipline. You'll need to have a lot more... malleability... than you ever imagined. He will find places that he wants to command that you're thinking, "You want to tell me WHAT?"

In the end, it can be whatever you two have the vision, courage, strength and commitment to build. But don't expect it to get built overnight... or in a few weeks... or a few months. The rule I had with Carol was that I was laying the foundation of the most important thing in my life (my marriage) and I had INFINITE time to do it right. I wasn't much interested in doing it fast. There was no prize I could discern for being superdom in a month but the price tag for screwing up badly enough is my marriage.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Transitioning - 2/6/2011 11:25:57 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn
Little snippets of experience or advice that could be given to help me slip into this new phase of my life more smoothly.

It won't go smoothly.
It won't be pretty.
It won't be a twisted fairy tale.

Both of you are going to need to pull on your big girl or boy pants as appropriate and step up or step back. He'll need to have a lot more patience than he ever thought... and a lot more wisdom... and a lot more discipline. You'll need to have a lot more... malleability... than you ever imagined. He will find places that he wants to command that you're thinking, "You want to tell me WHAT?"

In the end, it can be whatever you two have the vision, courage, strength and commitment to build. But don't expect it to get built overnight... or in a few weeks... or a few months. The rule I had with Carol was that I was laying the foundation of the most important thing in my life (my marriage) and I had INFINITE time to do it right. I wasn't much interested in doing it fast. There was no prize I could discern for being superdom in a month but the price tag for screwing up badly enough is my marriage.



It never has gone smothly, it has been pretty occasionally, and that twisted fairy-tale bit is the best bit!

Oh, the *fast part*...... well that is a bit unlikely...but keep an optimistic front!..

I still hate M a goodly amount of time..He's annoying! He makes me DO things! He pisses me off but I still glance at him and know he's the real deal....because he just keeps on doing the *right* thing. We look at each other and know we won't come across this again.

It's clear I have no decent advice..... but "give it your best shot" seems appropriate. Seems to be the *thing* we'd say. Far be it for me to mention the likely short-lived nature of whatya doing....... buttttttttt, I give it 7-9 months anyhow.:)

agirl






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RE: Transitioning - 2/7/2011 12:24:10 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Really it's not any different than moving in with someone who does not enjoi smacking his bitch around sheesh... Dom sub gay straight and everything in between, Same shit different day

BadOne

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RE: Transitioning - 2/7/2011 3:16:53 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		One of those rare moments that I agree with SailingBum

preparing emotionally? does that involve sayin hey baby n kiss him? or is there some..preparation to it?

...don't tell me there's a preparataion...gawd damn it no wonder I'm never gonna be on those kind of relationships

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RE: Transitioning - 2/7/2011 6:21:14 AM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn

Last night we had a long discussion about punishment, actually, as now that we will be living together, it's much more likely there will be mistakes made and he'll need to correct me on certain things.



Correction is not the same as punishment.  Why would you get punished for making a mistake?


Cali




That. I mean you guys are going to be newly living together and will BOTH be making adjustments and I am fairly sure he will be making "mistakes" as well. To punish you for something that you haven't even had a chance to adapt to yet is not the best course of action.


_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Transitioning - 2/7/2011 9:38:13 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		He and I are starting to make plans for my move (to him) later this year.  That said, we do spend every weekend and occasional week days together, and we're at the point where we're not "on" for each other when together.  We are just who we are.

These are things I'm thinking about, about joining his household:

  • Where does he like the thermostat set?  We prefer different temperatures, so that needs to be flushed out.
  • Do either of you have pets?  I will be bringing my cat, who is rather rambunctious.  We need to talk about his willingness (or unwillingness) to adapt to this, and about installing screen doors so the cat doesn't get out.
  • He uses a fresh bath towel every day.  This means lots of laundry.  What are your master's laundry habits/preferences?
  • He likes the dishwasher loaded a certain way, which is much different than the way I load my own.  I will need to do it his way.
  • How is the home decorated?  Will he want to change some or all of it?
  • Living alone, I'm used to my quiet time.  I can watch what I want to watch on TV, or turn off all sound (TV, radio, phone) and read a book.  This will have to change, to a degree.
  • He leaves the lid up.  I like it down.
  • He likes to buy only the groceries he needs at any given time. I like to stock up.
  • I like dirt, and gardening outside.  He likes concrete.
These are just general "living differences" things, and I am preparing to adapt to his way of living, as most of those items above aren't a big deal to me.  He will be making some adaptations, as well.  While I agree to a certain degree with Sailing Bum that in many ways it's no different than moving in with someone who doesn't like the slap & tickle, I disagree in that at least my relationship dynamic, there's an authority based arrangement that doesn't have anything to do with slap & tickle.  He will be in charge of me in all things, and I've spent the last 5 years being in charge of myself around the house.   Having sex when he wants isn't an issue for me; I experience that now.  But living under his authority 24/7 will definitely be an adjustment.  Things will come up, and we'll work through them as they do. 

In your case, he's moving to your home, and you might be surprised at thoughts that come up, like "This has been MY home all this time, and now you're coming in here and telling me what to do." 

Just be totally honest about everything, don't let things build up until you're resentful, and be open to change.  And what leadership said - it's doesn't have to come together overnight.  Be OK with the transition taking time to smooth out.  Making too many changes too fast could become overwhelming and cause added issues you wouldn't otherwise have.   Just remember you're on the same team.  

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Transitioning - 2/7/2011 10:43:04 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisEvelyn

Hello all! I'm exceptionally excited right now. Reason being that after a year of a cross-country LDR (him in Utah and me in Connecticut), Master is coming to spend a couple of months with me. He's coming to stay with me for a couple of months to check out the job market here and also to test-drive us living together, intending to make it a more permanent arrangement if it goes well and he is able to find work in the area that can support us.

So this leaves me with a question, as I prepare for his arrival, both emotionally and with copious amounts of housecleaning. Master and I have always had a 24/7 M/s dynamic to our relationship, even long-distance. We flowed into it very naturally, and I always defer to him and obey him.

However, I also understand that 24/7 over long-distance and 24/7 in real life is quite different. We've had multiple 4-5 day visits together over the year we were together LDR, and during those visits we were always 'on', even if it was simply snuggling together and watching Tv while enjoying pizza. But I always was ready to obey when he decided to exert authority, no matter what.

So anyway! My question is... while I have lived with significant others before and know generally how day-to-day living with a person goes, I've never before actually been in a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic in a live-in situation. I'm well aware of the general idea of it, that it isn't a stream of constant scening and that much of it is mundane and just like vanilla life. And also that much is about catering to his needs specifically, rather than general 'slave things'.

But I'm curious to hear about the not-so-obvious things about living with a Master as his slave that I might not know about. The little nuances that someone who's only lived with others in a vanilla sense might not even consider, going into this for the first time. Little snippets of experience or advice that could be given to help me slip into this new phase of my life more smoothly.

Thanks in advance for any little nuggets of wisdom people care to impart!

Oh wow many congratulations.
We make what we make of our experiences.
Or rather you will allow him to make of your experiences what he makes of your experiences.



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RE: Transitioning - 2/7/2011 10:53:52 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Hey HisEvelyn,

I am very happy for you, I know how excited you must be.

My best advice to you is not to overthink or overanalyze any of it.

Living with someone full time takes a lot of getting used to, whether vanilla or not and if you are LD it is even stranger I would imagine, never having been in a LDR.

The only thing I would say is to be yourselves, give each other patience, space and both of you need compromise and flexibility to become part of your vocabularies.

Oh, and don't have overly high expectations of the kink thing. When you get together once in a while, everything is so hot when you see each other. When you are living together, things are not always perfectly hot since instead of having a date, you are living your lives together, and that is not always fun and games.

Enjoy.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 2/7/2011 10:55:37 AM >

(in reply to Prinsexx)
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