RE: "Training" relationships?

RE: "Training" relationships? (Full Version)

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NocturnalStalker -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 1:33:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep Before you get all skin-crawly over the word "training," hear me out. =p Have you ever gotten into a relationship for the experience of it? Like if someone engages in different levels of protocol, etc? I am interested in a lot of things and sometimes I feel that it doesn't make sense to say i don't like it if I haven't tried it. Have you ever thought about trying out a type of relationship, maybe for a contracted period of time? I have only done this once when I was eighteen/nineteen with another woman significantly older than me (by that I mean ten years age difference). It was like an "introductory" course to BDSM.

62704 -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 1:45:40 PM)
There seems an awful large number of new-to-the-lifestyle who want to go for complete slavery/TPE from the get go, and I have to wonder if they're idiotic or just blinded by the fantasy of it. So I usually suggest (if I'm feeling at all inclined to spare them the trouble) a less complete transfer of power and test the waters, so they can better gauge their feelings and process it all. Find a dom/me and date. A couple of times it wound up being me, and I think of that as training or mentoring with the option to keep if chemistry happens. I'd do it again, though I prefer subs who've gotten over that initial bit of self understanding. Teacher-student isn't the relationship I'm looking for, per se. I'm not sure I'd care to go into a teacher-student relationship for the sake of learning a specific kink or tradition. I'm perfectly fine with making my own rules and protocols, thank you. And kinks can be learned through books, munches, the intarwebs, public dungeons and good old fashioned talking.

stcotton -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 2:08:36 PM)
It is ironic that you have posted about this exact topic. I would love to experience the opportunity. I hope to learn and grow from the experience, but I have no problem to say enough is enough when it gets there. Thank you for bringing up the topic. It is interesting to see everyones difference of opinions on this.

DesFIP -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 2:52:37 PM)
He does stuff that I certainly wouldn't put on my top ten list. But I like the fact that he gets off on it, so I enjoy it indirectly. In a relationship just to try stuff out, there wouldn't be this kind of intimate relationship and I wouldn't enjoy the stuff at all. Because his response wouldn't send me. In fact, doing this, would mean I would decide against all kinds of things that I'm willing to do for him, because I wouldn't have enjoyed it at all with someone whom I did not share an intimate relationship with. For me, it would have the opposite effect the op hopes it will have for her.

littlewonder -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 3:53:58 PM)
try out a relationship just to say "hey I tried it"? No To me that reeks of using someone and manipulation. I couldn't wrap my morals and values around it.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 4:29:50 PM)
wow okay it's not "just to say 'hey i tried it'" good grief =p it's simply a passing idea to try something to honestly try to understand it and see if it works for me. with BOTH PARTIES being aware that that was what it is. sheeeeeeesh. it's like people here go out of their way to be pissed off.

HisEvelyn -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 6:43:50 PM)
Hi Lilly. :) I've so far only been with my Master in what I would consider a 'relationship involving BDSM'. I would never want to, nor would I expect Master to want, for me to be in any sort of sexual training relationship with another. I serve him alone sexually. However, if Master wished me to see another Dominant or Masterwe were friendly with to learn some sort of service or high protocol skill to better be the slave he wishes me to be? I could see myself gladly doing so, as long as I had some modicum of respect and like for the dominant in question. I'm relatively sure that if Master's mentor was still alive, he would have liked for me to possibly bottom to his mentor in a non-sexual fashion in order to learn a few things. Of course, that is entirely my own speculation, I do not speak for Master here.

preytolife -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 7:30:13 PM)
Actually...yes, I have. I originally got involved with a Dom like that, and we did sign a contract. He was a good friend at the time and he invited me to spend the summer with him since I was having a hard time and was single. Of course I was told later he had no intention of ending it after the summer. I was involved with him for some time after the contract was originally supposed to end. It's not something I'm generally open to as a rule, but he was someone I trusted and we meshed well. In the end it was not necessarily a good experience, but it was a learning experience. I probably would not try a relationship for that purpose again. I've found that most people, and my former Dom included, have ulterior motives for "training" and that combined with the lack of a committed bond make them unappealing to me.

Palliata -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 8:38:45 PM)
Most of what I do in life can be loosely defined as "for the experience of it." You can never truly understand something without going through it, so satiation of curiosity is a perfectly good reason for being with someone for a while. If it doesn't work out, you both gain some experience, and if it does it could be something special. That said, you should obviously be very clear with the person up front.

IronBear -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 8:50:43 PM)
About half of what I do, I've done before so I continue to do the same thing until I either perfect it or an satisfied that I understand it.So it continues to be a learning experience and at times a teaching experience if I am training some one.

MaamJay -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/7/2011 9:09:21 PM)
Unlike many here, I don't get the collywobbles when faced with the word 'training'. But then, being a born teacher who has been involved with teaching ever since I was 13 (starting with teaching the guitar, including to the music teacher at high school!) it would be a bit odd for Me to fear training! In bdsm terms, I do not find it odd at all for someone to want training in some specific activities or skills or way of behaving (such as high protocol). As long as all parties are on the same page AND keep on communicating in case anyone's feelings are changing ... there's nothing wrong with it in My opinion. I have had wonderful experiences with subs who couldn't possibly have been 'keepers' (due to age, work circumstances etc) ... those experiences trained Me as a Domme every bit as much as I trained them as a sub. I have always been at pains to explain that My way isn't the only way ... for eg, I like a sub to keep his eyes fixed on Me but I have always explained that other Dommes might like their subs to be eyes down. Now, there has to be some sort of chemistry (however ill-defined that is, thinking of the other thread!), we have to like each other as people and feel comfortable together on a bodily basis for this to work. I don't see bdsm as a purely sexual activity so I don't have any problems keeping it from being overtly sexual. On that basis I have also run "bdsm 101" for newbies to give them a taste of what it's about to help them decide whether this is definitely something they want/need to explore further, or whether it best remains a fantasy for them. Particularly when going further would mean significant life changes for themselves or another, better they dabble a bit and be sure this is what they want to risk everything for, than burn their bridges and jump in the deep end with a full on relationship with someone and regret it very quickly. I'm also not a believer in the idea that you can learn everything worthwhile in life from just one teacher ... I know that has not been the case for Me in many aspects of My life ... so negotiating teacher-student relationships with different people along the way is natural for Me. Good luck lilly! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

kalikshama -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/8/2011 7:43:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep Before you get all skin-crawly over the word "training," hear me out. =p Have you ever gotten into a relationship for the experience of it? Like if someone engages in different levels of protocol, etc? I am interested in a lot of things and sometimes I feel that it doesn't make sense to say i don't like it if I haven't tried it. Have you ever thought about trying out a type of relationship, maybe for a contracted period of time? I'd be open to the experience. My concern would be that I tend to get emotionally involved with people despite knowing they have no long term potential and that I'd miss Mr. Right while involved with Mr. Right Now.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/8/2011 7:47:49 AM)
thanks for that post MaamJay kalikshama and DesFIP - you both raise interesting points that i've thought about -- though it's not necessarily a "Mr. Right Now" situation (the way it works in my mind is that the two parties are aware that it's honest but also experiential, and that you're not necessarily forbidden from continuing the search for Mr. Right), sometimes you do get distracted by whatever is going on right now, and you miss something that you shouldn't. and true -- when i was with M there were all sorts of things i did with him that i thought i'd never do, just because of who he was to me. so if you have a casual relationship, and say "okay now i know i REALLY don't like that," you might actually like it with a different person, but you've pre-prejudiced yourself to it by trying it in a non-permanent or non-serious relationship.

CreativeDominant -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/8/2011 8:27:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep thanks for that post MaamJay kalikshama and DesFIP - you both raise interesting points that i've thought about -- though it's not necessarily a "Mr. Right Now" situation (the way it works in my mind is that the two parties are aware that it's honest but also experiential, and that you're not necessarily forbidden from continuing the search for Mr. Right), sometimes you do get distracted by whatever is going on right now, and you miss something that you shouldn't. and true -- when i was with M there were all sorts of things i did with him that i thought i'd never do, just because of who he was to me. so if you have a casual relationship, and say "okay now i know i REALLY don't like that," you might actually like it with a different person, but you've pre-prejudiced yourself to it by trying it in a non-permanent or non-serious relationship. The problem with continuing to look for Mr./Ms. Right while dealing with Mr./Ms. Right Now is that, in many cases, the potential Mr./Ms. Right is turned off by the fact that you ARE involved elsewhere. And that turn-off tends to come up because you are honest enough to state that you are involved elsewhere and state what you are doing and yet, many do not believe that there is not a sexual element involved when play is involved. High Protocol? O.K. Things such as Ma'am Jay mentioned = the teaching of elements of (forgive the term here) "generalized" ritual such as eyes up/eyes down. O.K. How to respond to a whip. Not so O.K. Learning to tie sexual response to pain. Not so O.K.. I dealt with a submissive who had been mentored. I've spoken of her before so not going to go into long explanations. Suffice it to say that he was "teaching" her where her pain levels were...how a "GOOD" dominant should play her (hand or paddle or belt or whatever first)...how to tie in each stroke or bit of pain to some sort of sexual response...the "proper" way to be verbal to express pain, the proper way to beg for orgasms caused by pain. Ummmmmmmmm yeah...that sounds like "mentoring" to Me. Oddly enough, the way I found out about it was her letting it slip one time that this was going on. When she first mentioned she had a "mentor", I figured another submissive...PERHAPS a friend who was dominant (someone like Ma'am Jay, in My naive thinking at that time). She found it odd that I was upset about the revelation "since it is only 'training'...after all, he's married".

LillyBoPeep -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/8/2011 8:36:33 AM)
on submissiveguide.com there's a great post about mentoring, and the author believes mentoring should be non-sexual. i have to agree with that -- i dont understand how teaching you how i like something will help you learn how to find someone else. a lot of mentoring is used as a sneaky backdoor and becomes more about grooming. or it is simply a way for people who don't want commitment to get the sex and play they want while pretending to be in it for altruistic purposes. mentoring may or may not be what i'm talking about, though. i guess that depends on your definition. nothing in my OP is automatically about sex. there are lots of people in non-sexual M/s dynamics, and while they may feel something for each other (nothing in my OP specifically says there can't be any feelings between the people involved) they are non-sexual. so i think you could become a contracted slave to a high protocol house, for instance, without having any kind of sexual relationship involved.

DesFIP -> RE: "Training" relationships? (2/8/2011 4:17:38 PM)
I don't think you could even identify Mr Right as long as your needs are being met by Mr Right Now. You aren't truly open to another relationship while you're in this one. Plus most dominants aren't going to want to compete with the guy you are with. Most good guys won't want to be seen as poachers, they'll just walk right by.

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