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ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose
I see a lot of Doms and subs on here preaching about how D/s should be pursued this way or that way like it's some kind of very specific predetermined Jedi religion or something. I just wanted to make a general post for all new subs in particular who are venturing into this world. There is no WAY of D/s. There's only what works for you and your respective partners. A lot of people seem to forget that for a D/s relationship to work it's just like any other relationship. You have to be compatible. You have to find someone with whom you have similar interests - someone in whom you can trust and for whom you can have respect.

So, if you're brand new, and someone starts out trying to "break" you (or whatever other nonsensical term a lot of doms try to use) and it doesn't feel like what you want. Guess what? It's probably NOT a good fit for you. And when they try to shame you and belittle you by saying, "this is THE WAY it's done." If it doesn't feel like the WAY it should be done with you then it's not right for you.

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Your formative experiences in D/s are going to really shape how you pursue all this so if you start out with abusive jerks who only know how to crush the existence of meek little doormats you're going to become one of those meek little doormats and miss out on a lot of what is really exciting and fullfilling about your journey...

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ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose
I see a lot of Doms and subs on here preaching about how D/s should be pursued this way or that way like it's some kind of very specific predetermined Jedi religion or something. I just wanted to make a general post for all new subs in particular who are venturing into this world. There is no WAY of D/s. There's only what works for you and your respective partners. A lot of people seem to forget that for a D/s relationship to work it's just like any other relationship. You have to be compatible. You have to find someone with whom you have similar interests - someone in whom you can trust and for whom you can have respect.

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ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Adults probably shouldn't need to be told that chemistry and compatability are really what's important, but in all honesty there's a lot of people who seem as if they could benefit from a refresher course. Hell, sometimes I need to remind myself of that. It is sometiems entirely too easy to want something badly enough you are willing to overlook a bunch of glaring incompatabilities to get it.

There's also nothing wrong with someone sharing what works for them, or throwing out a few crumbs of experience in the hopes that they might be useful to someone else struggling with relationship issues.

Man, we are a tough group sometimes!

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Thanks. It's not that they want to be squished. It's that they may have self-esteem issues (since a HUGE number of the profiles I see on here are from submissives that have a history of body-consciousness issues, or mental, physical or sexual abuse issues - clearly something leads submissives to this in most cases) and when that is exploited because a dom is too afraid to empower their submissive by treating them well then it continues that cycle of degradation and abuse.

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ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose

I see a lot of Doms and subs on here preaching about how D/s should be pursued this way or that way like it's some kind of very specific predetermined Jedi religion or something. I just wanted to make a general post for all new subs in particular who are venturing into this world. There is no WAY of D/s. There's only what works for you and your respective partners. A lot of people seem to forget that for a D/s relationship to work it's just like any other relationship. You have to be compatible. You have to find someone with whom you have similar interests - someone in whom you can trust and for whom you can have respect.

So, if you're brand new, and someone starts out trying to "break" you (or whatever other nonsensical term a lot of doms try to use) and it doesn't feel like what you want. Guess what? It's probably NOT a good fit for you. And when they try to shame you and belittle you by saying, "this is THE WAY it's done." If it doesn't feel like the WAY it should be done with you then it's not right for you.

Your formative experiences in D/s are going to really shape how you pursue all this so if you start out with abusive jerks who only know how to crush the existence of meek little doormats you're going to become one of those meek little doormats and miss out on a lot of what is really exciting and fullfilling about your journey...

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But they're firmly in the safe, sane and consensual crowd. I'm talking about the myriad others on here that aren't.

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1

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ORIGINAL: frazzle

Not sure where you're finding all these subs with esteem issues.

Nearly every sub i know has no problem with self esteem, and neither are they abuse victims.

Most are adults who've lived life, not 18 year olds looking for a first date.

This just reads to me, like "white knight" is going to gallop up and rescue us from ourselves.

Thanks. You just saved me some keystrokes. I think we should start a section of the forum called Warnings from White Knights. That way, there would be a clearinghouse for these types of threads and all the subs with low self esteem could have a support group there.

In my experience, adults do not need to be told that you need both compatibility and chemistry. Most adults learn from their mistakes and are able to discern these things without some guy preaching.

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ORIGINAL: osf

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ORIGINAL: alhamdullilah

P.S. to OSF.... (You can find me in Tucson as that pretty much describes me perfectly!! :)

-lillah

I'll come see you, leave a back window unlocked

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ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1

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ORIGINAL: frazzle

Not sure where you're finding all these subs with esteem issues.

Nearly every sub i know has no problem with self esteem, and neither are they abuse victims.

Most are adults who've lived life, not 18 year olds looking for a first date.

This just reads to me, like "white knight" is going to gallop up and rescue us from ourselves.

Thanks. You just saved me some keystrokes. I think we should start a section of the forum called Warnings from White Knights. That way, there would be a clearinghouse for these types of threads and all the subs with low self esteem could have a support group there.

In my experience, adults do not need to be told that you need both compatibility and chemistry. Most adults learn from their mistakes and are able to discern these things without some guy preaching.

Do you ever read the profiles on this site? You should to get an idea of what's out there. I know you probably have your whole coterie of "lifestyle" friends that are all perfectly well-adjusted and led idyllic lives growing up within the quintessential American dream family but take a minute to check out some of the dreck that's on CM.

The whole White Knight thing (new to me so thanks for that) seems a bit silly when all I did was express a point of view that all the so-called "lifestylers" out there who think their version of dungeons and dragons in assless chaps or whatever is REAL D/s and everything else isn't are as full of it as any other dogmatic crapola (like white knights perhaps.)

Don't get caught up in the hype. D/s is no more special or unique than any other life choice.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact


Seriously, I feel that most folks with lifestyle experience know this and don't need to be told these matters as though they were twelve.  All I'm asking is that you remember that folks on these forums come from a wide range of experience and most of us don't wish to be addressed as though we just fell off of the turnip truck.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

It's not that I disagree with your original.  What part of the problem might be is that most folks who are adults don't need to be told this.  You wouldn't have put such a thing up on a vanilla meeting site, so it's really not necessary to put it up here.

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Seriously, I feel that most folks with lifestyle experience know this and don't need to be told these matters as though they were twelve.  All I'm asking is that you remember that folks on these forums come from a wide range of experience and most of us don't wish to be addressed as though we just fell off of the turnip truck.

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ORIGINAL: IrishMist

You know, I have read quite a few profiles on this site since the time that I joined, and to tell the truth, I have yet to find one that says 'I am a victim of abuse, because of that, I am not able to make a rational choice in regards to my future relationships, therefore, I request that someone tell me how it should be done'.

And yet you claim to have seen profiles that in essence, are stating just this.

I REALLY would like to read the same profiles that you are.

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ORIGINAL: Choosingtochoose
And yet there are people on this thread who have said in their own experiences they've forgotten this simple thing. When someone comes into this and the first people they meet say "don't question anything. That's not what a sub does." And that's all they hear, they think "Oh that's the way it is." It's not like people coming into D/s have a basis for comparison. It's just like any other cult (to pick a word) where what you learn is what you grow to believe. A lot of subs think that even questioning what a dom says is wrong. My post is to them. If you're aware then good for you. But trust me, there are plenty of subs who aren't.

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ORIGINAL: DomNI
People in the vanilla world are especially stupid and these kinds of threads would serve them well, imo.

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Not everyone has lifestyle experience. If you do, then more power to ya.